Somebody to Love
Sirius Black
Tuesday | September 2nd, 1975
Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.
Sirius had a crush on Moony. Merde! It was so obvious too! And now that he knew it was okay (thanks, Potter), he had no way to stop these emotions.
Sirius had always known that the way he felt for his friends was a bit stronger than what was considered ‘normal’. He knew as soon as he met the other three boys (specifically Potter) that they weren’t just his friends, they were his brothers.
He had always been more curious about Remus though. Especially in first year. James and Peter both came from good, honest families, and were as see-through and honest as windows. James was an open book and Peter didn’t keep secrets well, so Sirius learned a lot about them rather quickly. It helped that Sirius (like James and especially Remus) was a knowledge seeker. He had to know everything about everything; the same rule applied to his friends. So, imagine his distress when one of his new friends– his new brother– wasn’t as keen to be honest with him as he was to him.
Even from the beginning, when Remus’ lack of information giving was due to his shyness, it frustrated Sirius. Remus just never opened up like the rest of them. Even now, in fifth year, Remus Lupin still wasn’t the kind of guy to tell you about himself. You had to learn it. You had to study him… which he hated. But that’s how Sirius figured his friend out. That’s how he figured out that he was a werewolf by the end of first year, he couldn’t read properly by October in second, and that he was much better of an actor and prankster than he let on in third.
Remus was one of Sirius’ best friends. So, of course Sirius had to go and muck it all up by crushing on him.
It started in fourth year.
It was late September. Sirius and Remus had gotten into a bit of a row because Remus had found out that Sirius and the other marauders had started the animagi process, despite Remus’ protests. They had fought about it in third year. Remus hated the idea, he thought it was stupid and that they shouldn’t be risking their lives on a theory. Of course, the marauders never listened to reason and continued the complicated process over the summer. They had just revealed to Remus that they had finished and had done so correctly. Remus yelled at them because they had done it against his wishes. He especially yelled at Sirius because Sirius was the one he had specifically told his concerns to. In the end, Remus made them promise not to join him on that full moon. He said that he’d think about them joining the next.
They didn’t think about the fact that the fight would affect their friend’s transformations. They had learned in at least second year that if pre-moon Remus is angry or upset or sad, Moony (werewolf one) is extra agitated. And extra-agitated Moony, took more out of Remus.
Sirius remembered the moment he had entered the hospital wing and instantly knew something was wrong. Remus had almost died that night because of the fear that the marauders would ignore his wishes, join the moon anyways, and get killed. Sirius remembered the fear that Remus wouldn’t wake up because he almost didn’t. He remembered Poppy’s response.
“Why won’t he wake up?” Sirius had asked, his mask gone and tears falling down his face. “He’s usually up by now. Madame Pomfrey, why won’t he wake up?”
“He has to want to.” She had answered. “Sometimes, he’s too tired to fight.”
Sirius’ heart had sunk. “He doesn’t want to wake up?”
Madame Pomfrey had just smiled sadly at him. “That sometimes happens. It happened in first year as well. I thought he was getting better. “ She patted Sirius’ shoulder. “Tell me if he wakes up, yeah?”
As soon as she left, Sirius had begged. Sirius begged Remus to wake up. He pleaded with him.
Sirius didn’t and doesn’t cry. He didn’t as a child, even when his Maman beat him and Father yelled at him. He did once right before he left for Hogwarts because he was so scared about what might happen to his Reggie while he was gone, but he did then. While he begged Remus to wake up, tears ran down his face.
That’s how he thinks he knew. Because when Remus woke up and the first thing he said was, “Fuck. Who died?”, and Sirius jumped up and hugged him, he knew it was different. Peter was his friend and James was his brother but Remus was… something else. If Remus didn’t wake up, Sirius doesn’t know what he would’ve done.
After that, Sirius started to notice the signs. How he felt the need to stand whenever Remus walked into the room. How he automatically drifted to Remus in groups and situations and always looked to see if Remus had laughed at his joke or reacted to whatever was happening. How he cared more about Remus’ opinion than anyone else's. How protective he got over him on moons.
He knew it. He just didn’t accept it. He ignored it. He pushed the feelings away and shoved them out of sight. Every feeling and thought even slightly directed at Remus was ignored. Everytime Sirius even slightly thought about Remus as anything other than his friend his brain would shut off.
Which is probably why Sirius did what he did at the end of fourth year…
It was Sirius’ biggest mistake in life, his greatest regret. Sirius and Snape had a fight in potions (something about Snape’s potion being “sabotaged”, not that Sirius knew anything about that) around Easter time. It got out of hand really quickly, even more so when ‘Snivellus’ had yelled that he knew the marauders had a secret and that he’d find out what it was. Sirius learned later that Snape had thought it was James that had a secret (he hated James the most due to their shared crushes on Lily). That didn’t stop Sirius though.
He was alone, walking away from his secret meeting with Regulus (they had them weekly), when Snape cornered him. Snape was trying to sniff out the secret and Sirius thought that he was talking about Regulus and panicked. The whole reason that Sirius and his brother had to meet in secret was to protect Reggie. If any Slytherins or any distant Black relatives found out that Regulus was meeting up with his blood-traitor brother, he’d be in for it. So, in order to protect one secret, Sirius led him away… to the shrieking shack. He didn’t think about it being a full moon. He didn’t think about the fact that Remus was there because that would involve thinking about Remus. He told him how to get past the Whomping Willow, and hinted at something dangerous being there or that it was their secret hideout (Sirius did one or the other, he couldn’t remember).
It wasn’t until Sirius got back to the dorm and saw James waiting for him so that they could go to the shack together, did he realise what he had done (Peter had a detention that night). That was the second time he had ever had an “attack” at school (he had them at home a lot). James, seeing his best friend’s condition, told him to get Pomfrey or Dumbledore while he went and saved Snape.
James did end up saving the nosey slimeball, but they were both injured (no bites, thank Merlin). Remus, of course, blamed himself and additionally Sirius. He didn’t talk to Sirius for weeks. He immediately left the room when Sirius entered. He ignored him completely. It wasn’t just Sirius he was avoiding though (even if it was Sirius specific), he, being Remus Lupin, self-isolated because he also blamed himself. For what? Sirius couldn’t tell you. It wasn’t like he chose to be a werewolf, but that didn’t matter.
Eventually, through what Sirius could only assume was a lot of coaxing from the girls, Remus started to not leave the room when Sirius entered. It was a small change, but a start. He still refused to talk to Sirius and ignored him at all costs.
Sirius would also like it to be known that he was apologising profusely after the “prank”. He did everything in his power to make it up to Moony. And by the end of the year, they were talking again. It was clear that Remus still didn’t trust him, Sirius wasn’t sure if he ever could again, but at least, they were best friends again.
It had been torture for Remus to ignore him. Sirius had thought that it at least it would help his ‘attraction’ to the other boy, but if anything it just hurt more. He should’ve been happy that they were friends again. He was happy they were friends again. He just also silently and pathetically wanted them to be more.
But he was fine now. They were friends again and Sirius was okay with that. He was okay with being just friends with the werewolf. He had accepted it.
And then fucking Remus Lupin had to come back from the summer looking hot as hell. He grew like a whole half-foot and is now taller than all of them and the perfect height for Sirius to rest his head on his shoulder comfortably (not that he could because Remus isn’t exactly the most touch-loving of their friend group). Remus let his curls grow out more over the summer so now he had the fluffiest of fluff of hair. He had also clearly spent more time in the sun; he was tanner and more freckles had appeared– and they looked like little paint splatters on his skin and Sirius loved it.
All of this is why Sirius hadn’t taken a single note in Transfiguration when they were dismissed.
“McKinnon!” Sirius called. He quickly patted James’ arm and ran to catch up with the girls.
“Sirius.” Marlene nodded. Sirius smiled, just happy that his friends knew better than to call him ‘Black’. “Can I help you?”
“Quidditch tryouts are this Saturday.”
“Indeed they are.” Marlene rolled her eyes. “Astute observation, Sirius.”
“Don’t be mean. I just have a question.”
“Okay, then ask.”
“Are you going to try out for seeker?” He asked.
Marlene bit her lip. “I don’t know. What’s the point?”
“Come on!” Sirius chided. “You said that you liked seeker!”
“I do, but I’m a good beater and what’re the chances that I’d actually get it?”
“High! The chances are high!” Sirius exclaimed. “Johnson was our seeker (and a shit captain) but he’s gone! We have an opening and you should go for it. Come on!”
Marlene groaned but Sirius knew that he had won (he could see that mischievous glint in her eyes), “Fine! Fuck it. Let’s do this.”
“Yes!” Mary cheered, turning around so she could face them while walking. “Finally! Let’s go!”
“What are we cheering about?” James asked, appearing on the other side of Marlene.
“Marls is going to try out for seeker.” Lily added. Unlike Mary, she still faced forward while she walked in front of them. She was also holding onto Mary’s arm, steering her away from walls and other students.
“Yes, McKinnon!” James gushed. “Now, we just need a good replacement beater.”
“Who all is on the team again?” Lily asked. James opened his mouth to answer. “I’m asking Mary. Not you, Potter.”
James sighed while Mary laughed. “Last year, it was Frank as keeper, Marlene and Sirius as beaters, Johnson as seeker (but that pig’s gone), James and Alice were chasers with McCormick, and me as backup chaser.”
Lily hummed and turned back as they entered the Great Hall for lunch. “Remus?”
“Yes, Clover?”
‘Clover’ aka the nickname that Remus gave Lily in third year for reasons Sirius doesn’t know. They weren’t actually friends with Lily in third year (the rest of the marauders, that is). She still hated their guts in third year but she and Remus had classes together without the other three boys and she took a liking to him. Then, Mary and Marlene joined the quidditch team in that year as well, which led them to hanging out with Sirius and James more. And, Marlene already knew Peter and James from when they were kids, so Lily had no other choice but to be civil to the boys. She still wanted to hate them (she still does hate James), but if she wanted to hang out with her friends (Mary, Marlene, Remus, and almost Peter) then she had to deal with the other boys as well.
“We’re on duty tonight.” Lily informed him, sitting down. “Please, don’t forget.”
Remus groaned. “I won’t.”
“Please wear your pin as well.” Lily added. “You forgot it today too.”
“Sorry,” Remus rolled his eyes, not looking at all that sorry. “I won’t forget.”
Lily, satisfied, turned to her food and started talking to Marlene and Mary.
“Do we have to watch tryouts this year too?” Peter asked. James forced (though he refused to use that word; he preferred ‘convinced’) Remus and Peter to watch tryouts each year.
James looked affronted. “Yes! Of course!”
“But, why?” Remus asked. “We know that you’ll make it already.”
“Don’t you want to see Marlene be ace at seeker though?” Sirius nudged his arm.
Remus rolled his eyes. “Where did you learn ‘ace’? Was it me?”
Sirius blushed. “Maybe.”
Just as Remus had been copying his friends' accents for years, Sirius had been copying Remus. He hated sounding as posh as he did. So, whenever Remus or Mary or Lily used a word that clearly came from the muggle world, Sirius tried to copy it.
“Can I bring my book at least?” Remus asked James.
“Fine,” James sighed dramatically.
~ ~ ~
“Oi, Evans!”
“Piss off, Potter!”
James slumped back into the couch, watching the head of red hair go up the stairs to the girls’ dormitory.
“Never happening, mate.” Sirius laughed, not moving his eyes away from the chessboard. He was in full belief that Peter cheated somehow.
“I have faith.” James said, grin clear in his voice. There was a moment. “Moony?”
Sirius heard Remus sigh. “Yes, Prongs?”
“Do you think that Lily will ever like me?”
“Why are you asking me?” There was a page turn.
“You’re the closest to her…”
“Correct.”
“So… you might know?”
“James.”
“Moony.”
“She hates you.”
Sirius could hear James deflate. “Oh.”
“But, that might change.”
“Oh!?”
“If you stopped pestering her.”
“What?”
“You annoy the living shit out of her, Prongs.” Remus said. “You consistently embarrass her in front of the whole school. You bully her childhood best friend all the time. You don’t care about how she feels when you make these loud confession spectacles. You haven’t even tried to be just her friend first.”
“Oh.”
“She has every right to think that this whole crush thing that you have is just a prank or a joke.”
“Wait what?!” Sirius whipped around to look at Remus and James from where they sat behind him. “Evans thinks that James is just doing this all as a joke?”
Remus raised an eyebrow. “You really want to talk about ‘jokes’, Sirius?”
Sirius looked down. Right, Sirius thought. That.
Remus turned to James. “She doesn’t just think that you’re making a joke. She thinks the joke is that you’re making fun of her.”
“What!?” The other three marauders exclaimed.
“What’s the fuss over here?” Mary asked, sitting next to James on the sofa.
“Does Lily think that I’m making fun of her?” James asked her frantically.
“Yeah.”
James deflated. “How could she think that? I’m in love with her.”
“We know that, James.” Mary patted him on his shoulder. “The rest of us know that you’re as whipped as a show horse, but we don’t know how to convince her of that.”
James groaned.
“Maybe you should just stop asking her out every other day.” Peter suggested.
“Just try being her friend.” Mary told him.
James just nodded. Sirius decided to change the topic. “Oi, Mary, can I borrow your notes from Minnie’s class today?”
“Why don’t you have them?” Mary raised her eyebrows. “You were in class with us.”
“I wasn’t paying attention.” Sirius shrugged.
“What were you paying attention to?” Mary leaned forward. “Or who?”
Merde.
Mary had always been able to read him really well. That’s why they made such a good couple in fourth year, and why they remained friends after. She could read him just like he could read her. Maybe they weren’t ‘best friends’, but they were the same. They both hid their real emotions behind smiles and being loud. They both flirted with everyone to cover up when they did like someone. They both used their beauty to their advantage and ran away from relationships as soon as things got too serious or there was a chance of them getting hurt.
“Oh.” Remus said. “It is someone.”
“How d’you know?” Peter asked.
Remus shrugged, but as soon as Mary turned back to Sirius, he mouthed ‘tell you later’. Peter nodded.
“So… who is it?” Mary teased, biting her bottom lip. “Who has caught the rare eye of our very own Sirius Black?”
“No one.” Sirius grumble-groaned.
“Is it-” Mary tilted her head to peer at him. She seemed to have a person in mind but didn’t want to say it outloud. Her eyes, with no trace on the rest of her face so that the other boys couldn’t see, flicked to Remus. Sirius felt his heartbeat race. How did she know? How could she know? How was she so okay with it? Does it not matter to her that he’s… that he likes boys? Sirius felt his mask go up instantly. She smirked. “Yes! You know! I knew it! Sorry, boys, but I’m stealing Sirius. We’re going for a walk. Bye.”
Mary grabbed his arm, forced him up, and led him out through the portrait and into the hallway. They sped-walked a few hallways away before she pulled him into an empty classroom. He recognized it as one of the ones that they would sneak into to snog in.
“Oh my god!” Mary exclaimed, letting go of his arm and spinning in the empty room. “You finally know! Thank Merlin!”
“Excuse me?” Sirius felt a little lost.
“You’re aware that you have a crush on Remus!” She laughed. “Oh my god!”
Sirius’ mask strengthened. Mary noticed.
“Hey, hey.” She lowered her voice to a normal volume, stepping closer. “Are you okay? Is this about liking guys? If so, it’s okay.”
“It’s okay?”
“Well, I’m not in any position to judge.” Mary shrugged, smiling slyly.
Sirius’ eyes went wide and his mask fell. “Wait! You?!”
“Yeah,” Mary smiled. “I’m bisexual.”
“That means you like both genders, right?” He asked. She nodded, and something clicked in Sirius’ brain. “Wait. Why- how did-”
“How did I know about your crush on Remus?” Mary leaned back, hands on her hips. “I’m honestly surprised that you know about your crush on Remus. It’s been around since what? Fourth year?”
Sirius gaped at her.
“I mean, even while we were dating, it was so clear that you liked him.” Mary continued. “You stare at him like a lost puppy, perk up whenever he talks, always look at him after you make a funny joke to see if he finds it funny, and you literally stand up whenever he enters the room. It’s obvious really… if you’re looking. The problem was that you seemed to just not understand it. I even tried to hint at it last year. I’d make little comments about the two of you and hope that you’d realise that what you felt for ‘your Moony’ wasn’t platonic at all, but you were so hopeless.”
“I feel very offended.” Sirius laughed.
“You should!” Mary declared. “You literally call him ‘my Moony’.”
“We all do that!” Sirius said, trying to defend himself.
“No, you don’t! James and Peter say ‘our Moony’, you say ‘my’.”
Sirius opened his mouth to try to rebut that but closed when he realised that he had no defence.
“Ha!”
“Oh, whatever.” Sirius rolled his eyes, but he was smiling. He sat down on the desk.
She sat next to him. “Does James know?”
“Nope,” Sirius said. “He knows about the ‘gay’ part; he was the one to tell me that it was okay.”
“Someone had to.” Mary laughed.
“I’m gay, by the way.” Sirius told her. “Not bi or whatever. I’m sorry.”
“What are you sorry for?”
“I don’t like girls,” Sirius explained. “At all. But, we dated. I feel like I used you.”
“Maybe.” She shrugged. “I used you too. We used each other.”
“That doesn’t sound entirely healthy.”
“Maybe not.” Mary laughed. “But, we’re teenagers. We know nothing. We’re supposed to be figuring ourselves out, so I think it’s okay that we used each other a bit.”
“Only us, Macdonald.” Sirius nudged her shoulder. “Only we’d think of dating each other, despite not liking each other romantically, as a good thing.”
“We’re justifying our decisions a bit, yeah.”
Sirius huffed out a breath, looking at the ceiling. “We probably have to go back to the common room.”
“Probably.”
“Yeah.”
“Or we could get high.”
Sirius turned to look. Mary was now holding a joint.
“I’ve never gotten high before.” Sirius informed her, taking the joint.
“Why not? Remus and Peter and I've been getting high since what? End of third year? Beginning of fourth?”
“I’m a little scared.” Sirius confessed. “I kind of like being in full control.”
Mary hummed, knowingly. “You’re scared that you’re going to lose your mask. That you’re going to show you real emotions or be honest about something.”
Sirius nodded, staring at the joint in his hands.
“Well, how about this,” Mary takes the joint, setting it between her lips, lighting it, and breathing in before taking it out. “Being high typically lasts a couple hours or so. We won’t go too heavy and we’ll just wait in here for the effects to dial down. Okay?”
“Yeah, sure.” Sirius took the joint. He was just about to breathe it in when Mary’s hand lowered it.
“You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”
“I know.” Sirius smirked and breathed in.
~ ~ ~
An hour later, Sirius and Mary were on the floor. They were entangled a bit but it was comfortable. Sirius sat against the wall with Mary’s head resting on his thigh. Her tie was now around her head like a headband and his was so loose that it might as well have been a necklace. Her sweater was off and was being used as a blanket for her, leaving her in just a white button-up, and Sirius’ top buttons were undone.
“I want a piercing.” He somewhat whined.
“Ask Remus to do it.” Mary suggested, really focused on spinning her wand with her fingers.
Sirius groaned. “That’s been your bloody suggestion for everything. ‘I feel weird’. ‘Go to Remus’. ‘I’m cold’. ‘I bet Remus could help with that’.”
Mary giggled. “Yes, but seriously. Don’t make the joke. He can actually help with the whole piercing thing. He did us girls’.”
“What?”
“He pierced my ears,” Mary pointed to her ears. “Lily’s nose, and Marlene’s helix ones.”
“Really?”
“We were bored.” She shrugged.
A moment passed (or an hour, it was hard for Sirius to tell).
“I’m glad that you don’t straighten your hair anymore.” Sirius confessed, twisting one of her thick braids around his finger. Mary used to have really straight hair in first and second year. It was quite a surprise when after Christmas third year, she had shown up with short, fluffy curls. Sirius remembered that when they were dating and she’d rest her head on his shoulder, that the coils would both itch his cheek and soften her weight on his shoulder like a pillow.
“Me too!” Mary giggled (she was very giggle-y when she was high apparently). “Fucking hell. I hated relaxing my hair so much.”
“Then why’d you do it?”
“To fit in.” Mary said. “I don’t know if you noticed, Sirius, but there aren’t exactly a whole lot of black kids at Hogwarts. I’m not even black! I’m Cuban.”
“But-”
“Don’t you dare say that I ‘look black’. I swear to Merlin, Sirius.” She threatened, pointing a harsh glare at him before turning back to the ceiling. “I’m something called ‘afro-Cuban’. I’m not going to bore you with my ancestry, so just know that I’m latina through and through, even if I don’t exactly look it.”
“Okay, Maisie.” ‘Maisie’ was a nickname by Remus as well (like Cherry and Clover for Marlene and Lily). “So why’d you straighten your hair though?”
“To fit in with the white girls, I guess.” Mary shrugged. “It was a stupid, futile effort though. I’m never going to look like them or fit into their standards or anything. Just like being a muggle-born.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Eh, what can you do, yeah?” Mary blew out a breath. “This topic is depressing. Can we switch?”
“Mm, sure.” Sirius rested his head against the wall. “Are you excited for tryouts?”
“I don’t know.” Mary said. “ I used to be. I love flying and love quidditch, but it’s not like I actually got to play last year.”
“You played in our match against Hufflepuff.”
“Yeah, because we were almost 200 points ahead!”
“You scored five times in the ten minutes you were out there though.” Sirius reminded her. “It was very impressive.”
“I know!” She complained. “I’m a damn good chaser but it doesn’t matter if I never get to show it. I just hope McCormick isn’t as racist or sexist as Johnson. Though, they were friends.”
“Hold on,” Sirius straightened and looked down at her. “What do you mean McCormick? What’s he got to do with anything?”
Mary lifted herself off his legs to look at him. “He’s our captain this year.”
“McCormick? Chad McCormick? He's the captain?!” Sirius gaped. “What about Frank?! We all wanted Frank!”
“Yeah, but the old captain gets to pick the new one and, like I said, they were friends.” Mary shrugged.
“But, we wanted Frank!”
“I know. I was there. I’m on the team too.” Mary rolled her eyes.
“Ugh!” Sirius groaned, slumping down to the floor to lay his head on Mary’s lap. He played with the long braid that fell in his face. “I like your new hair though. These braids? They’re really cool.”
“They’re called cornrows and thank you.” Mary smiled. It looked like she wanted to play with his hair too but knew better.
The classroom door opened. “Padfoot? Macdonald?”
“James?” Sirius didn’t move his head from Mary’s lap but did turn it to face James. He smiled dopily. “Hiiii!”
“Are you high?” James gaped.
Sirius giggled. “Maybe.”
“Oh, Merlin.” James sighed, dragging his hand down his face. “Why, Mary?”
“She knows I’m gay!” Sirius exclaimed. “I’m gay, Prongs!”
A huge smile grew on James’ face. “I’m happy for you, Pads.”
“Did you know that Frank isn’t our captain this year?”
The smile fell off James’ face in a blink. “What!?”
“Yeah, it’s fucking Chad McCormick, the fucking bitch.” Sirius pouted.
“Why didn’t Frank tell us?!”
“Because he’s been busy with other things like I don’t know… being Head Boy?” Mary raised an eyebrow.
“The sass is unnecessary, Maisie.” Sirius poked her chest.
“Wow,” James joined them. “He’s really high, isn’t he?”
“Not even that bad.” Mary laughed. “Remus and Peter have been much worse.”
“Hey, Pads?” James dropped to a crouch to look into Sirius’ eyes, speaking in a bit of a baby voice like Effie or any other mother. “It’s late.”
“How late?”
“It’s nearing eleven.”
“That’s past curfew!” Sirius giggled.
“Remus and Pete are going to love this.” James joked with Mary before turning back to his best friend. “Do you want to go back to the room? Maybe go to sleep?”
“I’m not that sleepy.” Sirius lied. His eyes were feeling very heavy. “I’m more hungry.”
“Pete went to the kitchens a bit ago. He might have some snacks, but we won’t know unless we go back to the dorm.”
“Okay, fine.” Sirius let James hoist him up. “Mary, come on! We’re going to bed.”
Mary giggled.
“Not together of course.” Sirius added. “Because you’re a woman. And I don’t like women.”
James and Mary laughed.
“No, you don’t.” Mary stood up and they started sneaking down the hallway back to their dorms. “So, let’s all go sleep with some men.”
“Yes!” Sirius exclaimed, shooting his hands up and losing his balance. Luckily, James caught him. From then, James half carried Sirius to the common room, arms around each other easily for balance.
“I’ll cheer to that.” James laughed.
“You too, Potter?” Mary asked.
“Pan. You?”
“Bi. Lovely little group of queers we have here, isn’t it.”
“It is.”
“Loud Hippogriff!” Mary called when they reached the portrait.
“There you are!” Lily exclaimed, standing from where she sat Marlene and Peter and walking over to where Sirius was practically hanging off the two of them with her arms full of paper and books. “What on earth? Whoa… you all smell awful. How much weed did you lot smoke?”
“Hey! I didn’t smoke anything!” James huffed.
“Me and Sirius are the ones that are high, Lils.” Mary giggled. She looked at where Peter and Marlene were in the middle of homework. They were all the only ones in the common room. “Pete? Do you have any food? I’m starved.”
“You got high without me?” Peter gasped. “How dare you, Mary! Traitor!”
“Do you have food or not?”
“He does.”
Sirius instantly turned to the boys’ dormitory staircase, where Remus was leaning against the doorway. He had a book tucked under an arm and was raising an eyebrow. He looked so hot, Sirius thought. In the light firelight, his eyes looked like molten gold and his hair like honey. Sirius just wanted to melt into him.
Remus sniffed, despite being on the other side of the common room. “Hold on. Maisie, did you get our very own Sirius Black high?”
“How can you even tell?” Mary gaped.
Werewolf senses, Sirius giddily thought.
Remus tapped the side of his nose, walking towards them. “It’s a skill.”
“You just have an addiction.” James sighed. “Like those little hellsticks.”
“Wait, Remus.” Lily turned to him. “You smoke?”
“Yeah, a habit he picked up from a muggle friend.” Sirius wrinkled his nose. He doesn’t know exactly why he hated this muggle friend so much. It could be jealousy. That would make sense because of his… ‘attraction’ to the werewolf, but Sirius didn’t even know if Remus and his muggle friend were even like that. They could’ve just been friends. Or coworkers. Sirius just needed to bite his tongue.
Remus eyed Sirius suspiciously, tilting his head a little to the side to peer at him. Remus did that a lot. Whenever he studied something or was trying to hone in on his heightened senses. Sirius felt analysed, like scarily so; he could feel the heated blush rising on his neck to his face. Merlin. Sirius felt hot. He couldn’t even help but freeze under Remus’ wandering eyes.
“Really?” Lily asked. Remus turned to her and nodded. “Me too.”
“What?” James’ mouth fell open. “But you hate it when Mary and Peter do it.”
“I don’t like getting high.” She glared at James. “I don’t like the smell but my dad smoked.”
Oh.
Lily’s dad had died third year before Christmas. She didn’t stray away from mentioning him though. It was well known among their friends and other Gryffindors that Lily’s dad was American and the reason behind part of her odd accent. He also was the one that used to send her vinyls every month or so.
“I’ll get you next time I want to smoke then.” Remus said, smiling nicely. Remus had such a nice smile. It was such a shame that it took them too long to find it. It was almost like he was scared of it first year. Sirius loved it. He hadn’t seen it in a while. It made his heartbeat faster.
Remus looked over to Sirius as if he were able to read his thoughts. Remus’ eyes ran over Sirius, making his skin prickle, cheeks burn, and heart beat even faster.
“How’s being high?” Remus asked, smirking a little.
“It’s very hot and dizzy.” Sirius giggled. He doesn’t know why he found it so funny.
“He’s very touchy.” Mary told him. “More than normal.”
“Hey! No, I’m not.”
“You do realise that you’re literally hugging me and James right now, right?”
“So?” Sirius huffed. “I hug you all the time.”
“You also wouldn’t stop touching me the entire time we were in the classroom.”
James and Remus’ eyes went wide, but while James looked shocked and appalled, Remus looked like he was just given the very information he needed to make fun of Sirius later.
“Maisie, dear, you’re going to need to rephrase that.” Remus laughed.
“Oh!” Mary’s mouth made an ‘o’ shape. “Right, sorry. I just meant that we were laying on each other almost the entire time.”
James choked and Remus snorted.
“Not much better.”
“We were cuddling, but, like, very platonically.” Mary giggled. “Like using each other as pillows and that kind of thing.”
“Wow.” James coughed.
“Don’t be such a prude, Pronngsie!” Sirius grinned. “Mary and I are loooong over.”
“He’s also very clingy.” Mary informed Remus.
“Am not!” Sirius pouted.
“Really?” Mary challenged, sliding out from under Sirius’ arm. Sirius didn’t want her to leave though. He liked her presence and she was helping him stay up straight, so he clung to her arm (without really thinking about it). Mary clearly didn’t expect this and stumbled into Lily, which made all of the papers and books Lily was holding scatter around. “Point proven.”
“Here let me help.” James passed Sirius over to the general direction of Remus, so that he could crouch down and help Lily. “Remus, help him.”
Sirius was swaying, unable to stand up properly without any support. It didn’t help that the room was tilting as if Sirius was in a boat. He wanted to lean onto Remus. He wanted to hold onto Remus and for Remus to hold him, but Remus wasn’t like that. Remus was okay with the occasional arm around the shoulder, or even the more occasional hug, but he wasn’t the kind to just hold his friends unless they needed it (like they were crying or something). Sirius did want Remus to hold him but he wasn’t going to initiate it.
Sirius looked around for some kind of table or chair that he could lean on, but the action just made him dizzier. The room was tilting to the side when a hand grabbed Sirius’ arm, pulling him somewhere else.
“Come on,” Remus huffed lightly. His hand travelled up Sirius’ arm onto his back (an action that made Sirius shiver). With help and instruction from Remus, Sirius rested his head on Remus' shoulder.
Sirius’ forehead aligned with Remus’ chin so his shoulder was at the perfect height for Sirius to rest his head comfortably on. They were facing each other like they were hugging but their only contact was Sirius’ head and Remus' hand, which was rubbing circles on Sirius’ upper back. Sirius’ sank into the touch. Who knew Remus’ was so warm? And smelled so good? It was a mix of chocolate and cinnamon, in fact, it just smelled ‘warm’. There was a light parchment-y smell but Sirius was sure that it was only the dog in him that could smell that.
Sirius was vaguely aware that his friends were cleaning up the mess that he technically made but he didn’t care. Remus was so warm and his jumper was so soft… How was it so soft? Sirius wanted to curl inside of it. Maybe he’d steal it later; it wouldn’t be the first time. All of the marauders stole Remus’ jumpers.
Remus' hand travelled upwards and slowly he started to massage Sirius’ scalp, slightly playing with his hair.
Here’s the thing, Sirius hated, absolutely hated anyone even touching his hair. Not even James or Regulus was allowed. It was a well known fact of their entire friend group: ‘don’t touch Sirius’ hair’. And yet…
Sirius loved Remus doing it. Sirius melted into the touch, humming appreciatively. He wasn’t even sure that Remus was fully aware that he was doing it. Sirius was sure that he could fall asleep right there.
“Here, sorry.” James said. There was a sound of paper being passed and then a pause. “Sirius?”
Sirius hummed.
“ ‘You good?”
Sirius hummed again. He was too relaxed to speak.
“You want to go to bed? Want to go to sleep?”
I want to sleep with Remus, Sirius indignantly thought. Sirius shook his head, never moving it from Remus' shoulder.
Remus’ hand fell. Sirius didn’t like that, making a noise to tell him so.
“Wow, he is clingy, isn’t he?” Remus laughed, somewhat breathlily. Remus grabbed Sirius’ upper arms with each hand and somewhat pushed him away and towards James. Sirius didn’t want that though and made a soft whining noise as James put an arm around Sirius and began to lead him upstairs.
“I want his jumper.” Sirius whispered to James even though they were alone in the stairwell.
“Oh, do you?” James whispered back. “Just ask him for it then. Moony always shares.”
“He’s nice like that.” Sirius said, mostly to himself.
“Yeah, he’s nice like that.”
“I like him.” Sirius told him. “Moony, I mean. I like him quite a lot, I think.”
James let out a little laugh as they went down the hallway to their dorm. “I know you do, Pads.”
No, you don’t. Sirius thought. Not how much I actually like him.
“Do you still need your transfiguration notes?” James asked, guiding Sirius into the bathroom to wash his teeth.
“Oh, yeah. I forgot about that.” Sirius quickly washed his teeth and let James set him in bed.
“Good night, Padfoot.”
“Wait!” Sirius whined. “I want Moony’s jumper!”
“What?” James asked. “Right now?”
Sirius, much like a child, nodded. James sighed, walked over to Remus’ bed, dug around through his trunk, and pulled out a random brown jumper, which he threw at Sirius.
“No,” Sirius shook his head, tossing the jumper back. “I want the one he’s wearing.”
“Wha- why?”
Sirius didn’t want to tell the truth, which was that he wanted the jumper Remus was wearing then because he wanted it to smell like Remus, so he just crossed his arms and pouted.
James sighed and walked over to the doorway to call down the stairs, “Moony! We have a needy, high person up here! I need your help!”
A few moments later, Peter and Remus emerged.
“I’m needed?” Remus drawled, running a hand through his fluffy curls and looking tired. He looked so comfy.
“Sirius wants your jumper.” James ran his hand down his face.
Remus glanced over to Sirius, who was still pouting like a spoiled little kid, and back at James. “What’s wrong with the one that you’re holding?”
“I don’t know.” James sighed. “He wants the one you’re wearing.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know, Moony.” James sat down on his own bed. “High-Sirius is a mystery to me. I’m not used to it like how I’m used to High-Remus and High-Pete. Please, just give him it. I want to go to bed.”
“Whatever.” Remus pulled his jumper over his head with one hand and tossed it to Sirius, leaving him in just a school shirt. “I’m going to go to the bathroom.”
James nodded.
Sirius closed the curtains around his bed and hugged the jumper, taking a huge whiff of the soft fabric. It did smell like Remus, all warm and sweet and chocolatey. He slipped it over his head and fell asleep before Remus even exited the bathroom.