When James opened the door and stepped inside the astronomy tower, it was empty. He had half-expected to find Regulus curled up on the floor with a book in his hand. Glancing at the time – he started carrying a watch because Regulus hated him being late – and he saw that he was not early, in fact, he was even 10 minutes late because he had to shower after his quidditch practice, and if Regulus was here he would have definitely scolded him for being late.
He frowned to himself while taking a seat near the railing. Yes, there have been times where Regulus was late, or sometimes he did not even bother coming, but that was before they started doing whatever it was they were doing. James did not even know what they were doing, or what they were.
He tilted his head up and started looking at the stars while waiting for Regulus to arrive. Ever since he started coming up here every night, he began to learn more and more about the stars. He could spot Sirius easily, it was the brightest star after all. Sirius was the first star he learned to find.
It was dark inside the tower. James felt surrounded by silence, like a thick blanket wrapping around him. The only sounds were the faint sound of snow falling to the ground. It was cold outside, so he cast a quick warming charm.
Suddenly, the creak of the door shattered the silence, jolting James to his feet. By the door stood Regulus. He was wearing a black jumper that James knew was his favourite. He was also wearing a jacket because Scotland is freezing mid december. Regulus started walking towards James and James offered a warm smile.
"Hi."
"Hi James."
But when Regulus smiled back, James could see the strain in it. Regulus sat next to him and his head dropped onto James’ shoulder.
"Everything alright?" James inquired gently. Regulus was not a person that talked about his feelings freely.
Regulus was quiet for a few moments. As if he was deciding whether to tell him or not. When James sensed that he was uncomfortable and was going to change the conversation topic, Regulus sighed,
"I saw Sirius." Regulus did not lift his head up and his voice was quiet. "I ran into him when I was coming up here." Regulus confessed. His tone was quiet
This was a topic that they usually did not talk about. It was uncomfortable for both of them, seeing that Sirius left Regulus and went to live with James. James knew they had different opinions on this particular topic, he knew that Sirius had to save himself. He couldn't live there anymore. He was aware that Regulus also knew this, in the back of his mind. But Regulus was mad at Sirius since last year, and he never told anyone why.
James did not know how to answer. Was he supposed to ask if something had happened? He knew that Regulus was in a bad mood, and him running into Sirius was probably the reason. But sometimes Regulus did not want to talk about his feelings, especially regarding Sirius. But, James thought, if he mentioned seeing Sirius, maybe he did want to talk about it. So he asked.
"Yeah? What happened?"
"He told me that I should come to yours for christmas." He scoffed, a bitter edge creeping into his tone. "You know how he is, always trying to force me to leave my house and come live at yours. Just like he did."
James was silent. He really did not want to get between his best friend and the man he loves. He knew all too well the complex relationship the brothers had, especially after Sirius ran away last year. But because Sirius was living with him, he knew what was happening behind closed doors at the House of Black. He could not stand and watch as Regulus was becoming more closed off every year after he returned from holidays. Also, James couldn’t really help it. This was a problem of his, always wanting to help people. Especially if it was Regulus. His Regulus.
"Maybe you should." he said before he could think, his words tumbling out in a rush. Regulus lifted his head up and stared at James.
"What do you mean?"
James took a deep breath. He tried to find the right words so that this did not turn into a fight.
"Reg, he wants the best for you and you know it. That house is making you miserable. We can all see it. Don’t blame him for looking out for you. It would do good for you if you came over to my house. You know my mum has been asking about you."
"That place is my home, James. My family, my parents—they're all there."
"But Sirius is your family too." James encountered.
"But he left me!" Regulus raised his voice. "He just fucking ran away when things got hard. He always does this. Running away when things get hard."
James felt a spark of anger inside him. How could Regulus be mad at Sirius for saving his life? He remembers that night his mum found Sirius. Sirius was laying on the floor, bleeding. He was not even replying. He was unconscious. James remembered fearing for his best friends’ life.
"Of course he ran away! We both know what your parents are like!" he forced himself to be calmer, "He had to run away Reg, and you know it. That house was causing him too much harm and pain."
"You don't know what you are talking about."
Regulus was closing himself off. Just as he always did when the conversation turned towards his family, his brother, or the war.
"Don't I? I was there that night, Reg," James's voice trembled with emotion, his memories still vivid and haunting. "I saw the bruises, the cuts. I stayed with him until he finally regained consciousness. It was terrifying, Reg, the scariest night of my life. He looked so close to—"
"Don't," Regulus interrupted, his voice strained. "Don't make this about that night. It's not—"
"But it is, Reg," James insisted, "You can't ignore what they did to him, what they're still doing to you."
Regulus’ voice was quiet when he said
"It’s not like that with me. It was not just my parents’ fault. He practically did everything to piss them off! He never listened to them. He always got in screaming matches with mother, always-"
"I don’t care!" James yelled. Maybe later he would feel bad for snapping at Regulus like that, but for now, he could not stand there and let Regulus defend their parents when they were clearly in the wrong. Because he always did that.
"You always defend your parents! I know that you must know that it would kill him to stay. They were already almost killing him that night." James saw the pained expression in Regulus’ face, before he hid it. "I know that there are many complications between you two, but you can’t blame him for running away. Not when it was the best decision he has ever made."
With each word, the tension in the room increased. It was almost impossible now, not to get into an argument.
"But it was a selfish decision! He only thought of himself! He just left. Left me."
Regulus whispered the last sentence, but James heard him. He always heard him. He took Regulus’ hands into his hand.
"Reg. Is that how you really feel? He never wanted to leave you, never. But he–let me ask you a question. If he had asked you to run away with him, would you have gone?"
They were both staring at each other. In the back of his mind, James already knew Regulus’ answer.
"No." Regulus admitted quietly.
"So how can you blame him for leaving, love? You wouldn't have gone either way, and he knew that."
They were both silent. James was tracing patterns into Regulus’ hand. He knew it was pointless, Regulus never changed his mind. But James had to ask.
"Please. Look I know you will be angry with me for asking, but I–I have to. Just one Christmas Reg. Please come with us. With me."
James could hear the desperation in his own voice.
"James"
"Please, love. You are almost seventeen. Your parents won’t be able to control you after that. Just one year. Please let me help you." James pleaded.
Regulus suddenly pulled away his hand. James was confused about what happened.
"Help me?" Regulus said with a cold expression. And yeah, James realised what he said wrong. He shouldn't have mentioned the ‘help’ thing. Regulus hated people trying to help him. He did not want pity.
"Help me like you helped my brother? I am not Sirius, James. I don’t need help. What makes you think I need help? You can’t help but fucking try to save everyone. Is that what I am to you? Someone who needs help? Do you want me or do you just want to save me?". Regulus stood up.
"Of course I want you." James said hurriedly while also standing up himself. Surely Regulus didn’t think James only wanted to help him, did he?
"Then can’t you just respect my decision for once? We had this conversation many times. I said I don't want to go. I quite like living there. As I said, it is my house after all."
Their voices grew louder with anger and hurt, and as Regulus fidgeted with his zipper, sliding it up and down.
"I want to respect your decision. I do. But I also can’t stand here and watch you close yourself off more and more after every holiday. It’s like everytime you go there, they take away a piece of you."
"I am fine." Regulus insisted stubbornly. But James saw through it, remembering years ago, his best mate who had claimed the same, only to fall apart before his eyes.
"Sirius, your leg." James pointed out at the locker rooms after Quidditch. It was empty because they had wanted to stay behind to fly around some more. Sirius glanced down at his legs and hurriedly pulled on his trousers.
"It's nothing. I am fine." Sirius lied.
After three years of sharing a dorm, James knew when Sirius lied. He knew everything about his best mate. He knew him inside out.
"Are you sure mate? Those cuts look bad. Who did that to you? Why didn't you tell me?"
"No one did anything, and I don't have to tell you everything, what are you my mother?" Sirius snapped.
At the mention of his mother James remembered that they had just returned from summer holidays. He also knew that Sirius did not like going back home. But surely his parents did not do this to him.
"Was it your parents?" James whispered, hoping he did not sound like he was prying. He was just concerned for his best mate.
"I SAID IM FINE JAMES!" Sirius yelled and stormed out of the locker rooms. James was lost on what to do. He knew that the cuts looked bad and that they needed Poppy to heal them. But he also did not want to aggravate Sirius more than he already had. So he did not mention anything to anyone, but he asked Remus for some healing salve and put it next to Sirius’ bed. That was one of the things he liked about Remus, he did not pry. That night, Sirius opened James’ curtains, slid into his bed and cast a silencing charm, then apologised for yelling at James. That night, James learned everything about the House of Black. He held Sirius while he cried and he learned that Sirius was, in fact, not fine.
James knew that Regulus was also not fine. It was funny and ironic how much alike they were, Regulus and Sirius. Everything about them was similar. Their eyes, the look in their eyes when they are angry, their smile. They tried so much to be different, but they were so alike. A faint chuckle escaped James's lips at the thought of it all.
Regulus looked at James with a look in his eyes that said ‘you can’t be laughing in this moment’, and yeah, he was right.
"Sorry. Hah. It’s just…did you know Sirius said the same thing to me years ago, when he was so far away from being fine."
Regulus scoffed,
"Well, as I said, I am not Sirius. I actually am fine."
Regulus’ face was blank. There was no emotion there. This was one of the differences between the Black brothers. Sirius wore his heart on his sleeve, a big contrast to Regulus. It was so easy to know what he was thinking, what he was feeling. But Regulus, he could erase every emotion off his face instantly. When he did that, there was no way to know what he was thinking. James would give millions of dollars to be able to read Regulus effortlessly like he could read Sirius.
A better man would have left it alone. A better man would have steered the topic away from a fight. It was clear that Regulus was already in a bad mood, so there was no way this could end without a fight.
If he was a better man, the conversation would have gone like this:
"Okay"
"Okay?" Regulus repeated, the surprise clear in his voice.
"Yes, okay. If you say you’re fine, then you are fine. I trust you."
"Thank you for not pushing." Regulus would have smiled sweetly at him and James would’ve kissed him.
But he is not a better man. So the conversation went like this:
"I don’t believe you Reg."
It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Regulus, he did. He trusted him so much. But he did not trust his parents.
Regulus recoiled, taking a step back and stared at him.
"You don’t believe me? When have I ever lied to you James?"
James smiled sadly.
"You’re lying to me right now, love. By saying that you are fine. By saying that going back is not going to hurt you."
Regulus looked away.
"Well. If you don’t trust me, there’s no point in continuing whatever this is we are doing." Regulus said coldly.
Panic surged within James. "What? What do you mean?"
Regulus’ gaze was sharp and cold when their eyes met. "I mean, it is obvious that you don’t trust me and I can’t waste my time trying to get you to trust me. So I can’t keep doing this with someone who doesn't trust me."
James’s voice was barely above a whisper when he said
"No. No, I do trust you. Of course I trust you. You–you can’t say that. What do you mean you can’t keep doing this?"
"How slow are you James? I mean we are done." Regulus scoffed. He could be really harsh when he wanted to.
In the back of his mind, James knew that Regulus was only doing this because he wanted to take the attention away from his house and his parents. But right now, the only thing James could focus on was how Regulus was actually ending things.
"Tell my brother not to bother me anymore. I don't care how you tell him. Just tell him that you ran into me on your way or something. And don’t bother coming up here anymore, because I won’t be here."
"Regulus…please. Don’t" James pleaded. He reached out to touch Regulus’ arm, but Regulus took another step back. His hand was on the doorknob, waiting to open the door and get out. James ran his hand through his hair, messing it up more than it already is.
"I did not mean for this to happen. I didn’t want to fight. I will be here tomorrow night. Please come. I will wait for you."
"Bye James." was the last thing Regulus said before opening the door and leaving James stranded.
With a heavy heart, James sank onto the cold stone floor, the weight of Regulus's absence pressing down on him, as he fought with the thought that their relationship might be permanently damaged. He didn’t want to believe that. He felt his cheeks dampen, when had he started to cry? And why couldn’t he stop crying?
After staring at the empty space that Regulus stood mere moments ago, he headed for the Gryffindor common room. Taking big steps, the only thing he could think of was Regulus.
Regulus who had left him.
Regulus who had stolen a golden snitch for him.
Regulus who had left him.
Regulus who had read his books out loud for him.
He barely registered the journey back to his dormitory. Pushing open the door, he found Sirius sprawled across the floor, listening to some music he and Remus loved. At that moment, James realised how desperately he needed Sirius.
"Pads." he choked out.
Sirius looked up, and when he saw James, his eyes filled with worry.
"Prongs." he quickly rushed to his feet. "What happened?"
Sirius wrapped his arms tightly around James, as James’ tears dampened his shirt. He felt a wave of gratitude that the dormitory was empty—Remus studying elsewhere, and Peter off with his girlfriend for the holidays.
Sirius led James to his bed, and they sat there, Sirius’ hands still wrapped around him, giving him comfort. After James managed to calm down, he knew Sirius would want to know what happened.
"The guy I was seeing," James began, his voice shaky from all the crying. "You remember I told you about him?"
Sirius nodded.
"He ended things," James continued, "We had a fight."
This was the simplest explanation James could offer. He couldn't tell Sirius about Regulus; it wasn't something Regulus would want.
"Oh, James." Sirius murmured, his voice filled with sympathy.
"Can we please not talk about it? I would feel better if we didn’t."
James didn’t want him asking questions about it. If he happened to have asked questions about why they had a fight, James couldn’t bear lying to his face. Sirius wasn’t a person to let things go, but for James’ sake, he did.
"Okay. Of course." Sirius agreed.
"Can you stay with me tonight? I mean if you don’t want to sleep with Remus. If you wanna sleep with him, that’s also fine, obviously."
"James."
"Oh nevermind. You probably want to be with Remus. For Godrick’s sake, why didn’t I think about that before I asked? Just pretend I never said anything."
Sirius chuckled. "James. Shut up. Of course I’ll stay with you."
"But, Remus?"
"He will probably stay up all night reading." Sirius replied with a grin. Ever since he got those muggle books from Lily, he reads all the time. It’s quite annoying actually. Never without a book in his hand"
James laughed, already feeling a lot better in Sirius’ presence. "Aww Pads, are you jealous of books? Are you not getting enough attention from Remus?"
Sirius flicked his head, but James could hear the smile when he said "Oi. Shut it."
It is crazy how fast Sirius managed to make him laugh. He instantly became happier next to Sirius.
That night, as he drifted off to sleep to the sound of Sirius's soft snoring, James resolved to make things right with Regulus. He couldn't bear the thought of them being apart. He knew he had to talk to him.