“Crucio!” that cursed word that he had heard so many times before. It spilled out her mouth so easily, the way it slithered and flowed out with so much ease, leaving nothing but a cold dark trail of hatred behind. She almost made the curse sound deathly calm, a sense of normality. A normality only known upon within the house of black, if it wasn’t for what followed.
His mother yelling at him. “Filthy blood traitor, defending Mudbloods and Gryffindors.”
If only she knew how much of a traitor Sirius really was, he welcomed her punishment. Bathing in the pain he knew he deserved. Pushing Walburga’s buttons until she would finally snap.
A shattering cry broke through the shouts of curses through 12 Grimmauld place, his body seizing, convulsing in pain. He could feel the punishment he had had to endure so many times before, yet it ran through his whole body like a foreign poison, intruding his veins and breaking his mind. The pain was known but felt new each time, waves after wave crashing into him, stripping him bare, breaking his mind. The curse echoing within the empty shell of his lifeless body.
“Blood traitor.”
Each word sharply emphasised with a cut to his calf.
“Diffindo!”
His body went into a second fit of spasms as pain shot through his limbs, but this time he couldn’t keep fighting. He could feel his body loosing consciousness as he faded unfocused in and out of reality.
*****
Lying on the cold splintered wooden flooring, trying to ground himself, he could barely lift his head. It was a feeling he had felt countless times before but only this time he had stopped trying to fight back, no longer trying to spite his mother and be the brave Gryffindor his friends used to assure him he was, the big strong brother Regulus counted on. He was fading away and he could feel it, every ounce of life had been ripped away from him, stolen and burnt.
From his mother and father, the standards he could never live up to. To Regulus, his own brother who time after time he let down, who seemed to rightfully hate him after he ran away. To Snape, the stupid git who knew just what words to say to mould and taunt Sirius into playing whatever mind game he wanted. And to the Maraurders, to Remus, his beautiful Moony, who’s anger hasn’t faded since that night, who’s look of betrayal only got stronger with time aging like wine, who he could no longer seek comfort from, who’s seething words no longer sought him out. Until silence was all he knew.
Truly alone and lost, like the times before Hogwarts, his friends. Sirius black knew that he had truly fucked up.
He lost control of the muscles struggling to hold his head, as he heard a dull thud breaking the silence, only this time he welcomed the feeling of his body loosing this ongoing fight, too weak to keep his eyes open, his breathing became shallow and scarce, only the ghost of life haunting his cold shell of a body.
*****
Jolting awake, he gasped for air, the intense need for it invading his throat and opening his lungs. But as he lay there frozen in place unable to move, the only sounds that could be heard throughout the dorm room were his laboured breaths contrasting the peaceful snores of the Maraurders. Clammy with sweat his duvet stuck to him, hugging his body, and making shadows fall in hypnotic dances across his bed sheets.
After what felt like hours, Sirius managed to muster up enough energy to get up, slowly he dragged himself to the shared bathroom, locking the door and turning on the shower. Stepping in he winced as the water hit him, small Pinpricks of pain erupting over his legs and arms. He welcomed the stinging sensations, letting them ground him as he sunk to the floor, water running into his eyes as he gripped at the lines between nightmares, flashbacks and the cursed reality he had brought upon himself, a result of his lack of thinking.
*****
James wouldn’t even look at Sirius anymore, let alone speak to him. Too torn between worry for his brother and loyalty and anger for Moony.
No, James never spoke to Sirius anymore, never directly looked at him. But he still watched him, watched as he got thinner and thinner, cheeks sunken and skin pale. Watched as he spent hours on end in the bathroom, only ever changing there and covering his arms at all times. Watched as his old friend drifted to old habits he swore he would never do again, as he slowly faded away and lost his spark.
The spark the Maraurders had spent so long relighting.
*****
‘That’s the problem with you Black’ Remus sneered, an edge to his voice so unknown, juxtaposing every thing Sirius had ever grown to know about Remus, it would have put him on edge if this had been the first time he had heard it since that night.
But Sirius had grown used to it, just like how Remus had grown used to his heart breaking.
‘You never seem to fucking think Black. You always do things acting on impulse and stupidity, only ever caring for yourself, thinking of yourself. You selfish prick, do you ever think of anyone else, think of the consequences? No. Of course you don’t, because little Sirius Black can always rely on his inheritance to fall back on, you know for someone who claims to hate his family, you do a real good job of acting like them! I really did love you Sirius, I thought that you loved me too. What we had going on here, I thought you could feel it too. I can’t believe how fucking stupid I ever was, how vulnerable I was to you and yet you took that from me and threw it right back, causing nothing but pain in your path” his voice breaking on the last sentence, Sirius wanting to do nothing more than wrapping him up in his arms and begging for forgiveness, but he had forgotten how to speak to Remus long ago.
Sirius knew that this was all true, that Remus had every right to lash out at him, to be in pain, willing the tears away, he would not let himself cry, not now. He finally realised that he needed to fix this.
*****
His feet dragging him up the stairs of the astronomy tower, Sirius felt like a ghost, possessed by his past as he opened the door that promised him a future of forgiveness, and walked up to the railing.
The taste of fire whisky still burning his throat, and the remnants of smoke on his tongue. If Sirius tried hard enough, he could almost imagine it was from the cigarettes Remus smoked before kissing him. The whisky Remus had drunk at the last common room party.
But as he stepped forward from the railing. His grip sliding away, slipping off and plunging into the darkness of the light. Sirius knew that he would never experience the comfort of Remus ever again. He had lost that long ago, when he had broken his trust and in doing so himself. He only hoped that in the morning Remus could finally forgive him, finally see how sorry Sirius was, how much he had truly punished himself.
He felt relieved for the first time in weeks, giddy and drunk on the idea of finally feeling free, empty, the pain lifted from his shoulders.
Fingers loosing grip, Sirius smiled to himself, the first smile since that night.
Sailing through the air, in what felt like slow motion, his body landed on the ground below, a sharp cracking breaking the silence of the night. No one who was sleeping in the castle above knowing what was happening to the boy outside. Sirius’s shallow breathing filling the metallic air.
*****
They say that when you die, your brain lives on for seven more minutes. It lives on even when you can’t, it struggles and grasps your mind and body for your happiest memories. Comforting you as you slowly fade away, trying to remind you of the good times, trying to reel you back to life.
However for Sirius Black this was not the case, and as his body cut through the air he felt betrayed, maybe this was how Remus felt after he fucked up he thought bitterly. Because he didn’t feel empty or free. No. Sirius felt more heavy than ever, a heavy that no amount of starving could fix. A heavy that no amount of begging for forgiveness could fix. And a heavy that was all from regret. Regret of his actions, the one he has just done and the ones that had caused him to jump.
Regret for the things he could never change no matter how hard he wished he could.
And as he lay there, body twisted, facing the sky, searching for Reggie and his’s star one last time, vision blurred from silent tears falling down his face, no memories ran through his brain.
Sirius waited and waited to no avail. All his memories were polluted, contaminated, dirty.
Memories of his baby brother were tainted from his mother, from him leaving Regulus in that Hell they call a home, he has the scars to prove it, her stupid curses, yet most self inflicted.
And all the precious memories of his newfound family at Hogwarts, the family that he had always hoped he and Regulus could one day have, had been poisoned and ruined by his own dark nature of being a Black, his new family ruined by his old. Guilt trickling down each and every one of them. Each memory shadowed by the pain he painted Remus with, James, Peter too.
For he knew that what he had done was the right thing to do, even as he heard foot steps that sounded just like Reggie’s running to his lifeless body, dull eyes, sickly pale skin, even as he heard the body wracking sobs of what sounded distantly like his brother’s. Remus kneeling down by his side, forgiving him at last as he tucked a stray piece of hair out of Sirius’s face, telling Sirius how he knew how sorry he was, how he had punished himself. James finally looking him in the eyes again. And Sirius’s mother telling him how sorry she really was, how his father was proud of him, and how truly, they always loved him and just wanted to protect their first born from the cruel world.
And lying there outside, the wind cutting him and ground breaking his bones on impact. Sirius finally grasped that none of those things really happened. His brother hadn’t spoken to him in months, resenting him for leaving. His friends hated him, boyfriend never forgiving him. And his parents always ashamed of the heir they had to disown.
Seven minutes. That’s all that Sirius ever wanted. Seven minutes of comfort, yet all he got were wishes that could never come true. Reminders of the pain he always seemed to inflict on those he held closest to him.
And as he lay there, fading out, Sirius realised that he truly was dying, and he was the most alone he had ever been.