the cold air is nipping at their ankles and they’re both silent.
regulus came up on the roof with james about an hour ago with a chocolate bar that james won’t take.
it’s not unusual for them to just sit together in silence, it’s actually quite normal for them. james never knew what to say to regulus and he understood that, so they didn’t say anything at all.
although now it’s different. because now they have something to talk about. which seems like a good thing but it really isn’t.
“how did you get away with it for so long? i mean, you’re not exactly the most secretive person alive.” regulus spoke bluntly, fiddling with the candy wrapper.
james lets out a humorless laugh, “no one really notices anything if you’re loud enough.”
his cold fingers are suddenly being covered by regulus’ equally as cold ones. james finally looks at him and can’t help but feel bad for him.
which doesn’t make any fucking sense, he’s not the one who just got back from hospice but still something hidden in his stormy eyes he feels bad for.
“i guess i was so loud all of the time because if i got quiet people would notice the weight loss, obsession with food, and the overall lack of energy.”
his counselor said james was very aware of his feelings, like concerning aware.
maybe she was right.
they stayed staring at each other till regulus spoke again, “i miss you.”
“i’m right here.”
his head started to nod ‘no’ vigorously, “james, you haven’t been here for a long time, even before you went to hospital.”
regulus’ eyes well up with tears and god does james hate it.
“i wish i could promise you that i’m coming back but.. i don’t think i want to.” james admits selfishly.
he pauses hesitantly before continuing, “i should want to get better but i hated who i was before.”
“and now you don’t?”
they’re still staring at one another, regulus’ expression is soft and empathetic while james’ is full of guilt.
james finally looks away staring at the grass below.
“no, i do.. but now it feels too good to care.”
it’s silent for a beat.
“james..”
he hums, still not looking at him.
“i think i loved you before all of this.”
when james finally does look again his vision is blurred with tears, “reg.. i think i loved you too.”
it’s only them in this moment and james slowly starts to realize why he even accepted help in the first place.
because it wasn’t just about him anymore, this stupid fucking disorder is affecting everyone around him too. maybe recovery is difficult but losing the people that he loves is even harder.
james finally grabs the chocolate bar, unwrapping it and taking a bite. he feels relief and something else he can’t name entering his body as he chews more.
it’s good.
it’s so fucking good.
he doesn’t realize it’s gone till regulus’ hands grab the empty wrapper, shoving it in his pockets.
they won’t be the same for a long time but maybe that’s good? maybe that means james and regulus will both have time to heal.
and be better for each other.