Every Scar Has Its Secrets

He was great. The best he could ask for in a time like this. Remus was more than Sirius ever dreamed of.

He needed to leave the room, it's christmas eve for fucks sake, but he can’t bring himself to do it. He can't bring himself to look Regulus in the eyes, not without losing his shit that is.

Regulus has always looked like Walburga, it’s part of the reason Sirius distanced himself, it was easier than looking into eyes that resembled hers, it’s been better recently, the fear of her started fading, but its back now, and the thought of seeing her every time he looks at Regulus makes him nauseous.

“Maybe I should go out tonight. At least during the party.”

“Sirius if you're not feeling up to it you don't have to.”

“If it's up to when i feel up to it i'll never leave this stupid fucking room…” He paused for a minute, playing with his necklace, the chain was getting old and rusty, only a matter of time before it breaks. “Maybe it would’ve been better if she killed me.”

He knew it was a stupid way to think, but he’s been thinking about it more, he hated the way his brain worked, but sometimes he didn't want to live through what she put him through.

“Sirius-”

“No. Dont. Don't say anything about it. I don't wanna hear it”

“But-”

“No. Remus stop”

“Okay. If you wanna go you can, I can talk to Effie too if you'd like.”

“I’ll be fine. I’ll wait until the party has started a bit, I'll drink until I feel better. I’ll live.” Sirius leaned into Remus, not fully realizing what he was doing.

“That's not…you’ll do it anyways, even if I tell you not to, won’t you?”

“Probably.”

He sighed and put his arm over his shoulder. “Just be careful, okay?”

“Mhmm.”

~~~

Everything was loud, there were at least thirty extra people in the house, and it wasn't even everyone. Remus had left a little earlier, helping set up and talking with James, Peter, and Regulus.

Sirius walked downstairs, grabbing a drink and leaning against a wall, wanting to be at least a little tipsy before having to talk to anyone. He took a couple shots of firewhiskey and filled up a glass, sitting down next to Remus. He could feel everyone staring at him. He knew there had been reports in the papers about him and Regulus running away, but he wasn't ready for the fame that came with it.

“Pads, are you sure you should be drinking?” James asked, Regulus stopped him before Sirius had a chance to answer.

“Jamie, it's fine. If it was you, you’d want to be drunk too. He’s clearly uncomfortable. He’s fine.”

“Thanks Reg.” Sirius didn't look up, he couldn't look him in the eyes. Not yet.

“Yeah. You okay?”

“Yeah.”

Sirius had a bad feeling about something, but he couldn't place it. “Reggie. Do you feel off at all? Like am i just insane?”

“No, no I know what you mean, something is weird for sure. Andy should be here in a few minutes though, we’ll be fine.”

Andromeda showed up behind them a few minutes later, her husband holding her daughter a few feet back. “Hey, do either of you know where mr. Potter is? I need to tell him I put his wards back up. I know it’s the middle of a party and all but I don't wanna risk it, especially with you two staying here.”

“Andy, nothing happened right? You’re just being extra careful?”

She nodded, looking at both of them. “Yeah everything's fine. Just a bit paranoid. Sorry”

Sirius put a hand on her arm, trying to calm her down. “It's okay. I get it. Mr. Potter should be somewhere over there”

She nodded again and smiled as she walked away.

Remus looked at Sirius, clearly worried about something. “You feel it too right? Somethings wrong”

“Somethings always wrong moony”

“No. No, that's not what I meant.” Remus kept looking around the room, trying to find anything that could be wrong.

“She said everything's fine. So everything's fine. She's the one person here I know we can trust.”

“Right. Right…” He paused, clearly forcing a smile. “Maybe we’re just paranoid.”

Sirius smiled and kissed him quickly. “Just a bit.”

Remus smiled into the kiss and lightly pushed back on Sirius’s shoulder. “Don’t do that here.”

“Why not?”

“Because. People will see.” Remus’s smile didn't fade.

“What if I want people to see?” The alcohol was starting to hit.

Remus’s smile faltered slightly, but never fully left. “Are you drunk?”

“A bit.” Sirius giggled.

“How many drinks have you had?” He was eyeing Sirius’s glass now.

“A couple shots and half of this.” He held up the drunk in his hand.

“Pads…love, what is a couple in your eyes?” Remus crossed his arms over his chest.

Sirius looked away, still smiling. “...Four…”’

“Four?” Remus laughed. “You had four shots and half a drink and you're only ‘a bit’ drunk?”

“Yeah.”

Remus shook his head and grabbed the cup out of Sirius’s hand, putting it on a nearby table. He took a moment before he spoke again. “Babes…you can’t drink anymore. You're already drunk and the party just started.”

Sirius glanced around the room before turning back to Remus. “At least I don't have to deal with all the questions sober. James hasn't taken his eyes off me. It's like he thinks I'm gonna fall back under the curse any second.”

Remus sighed and leaned back against the arm of the couch. “He’s just worried. You can't blame him. What happened really rattled him.”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “You say that like it didn't rattle me too. I was the one who had to live through it.”

“Of course I know that. I'm not saying it's not affecting you too. I know it is. All I'm saying is that…” He paused for a minute, holding eye contact with Sirius. “I’m worried about you. Just as worried as James. The drinking isn’t good and you know that.”

“I'm fine.” Sirius said sternly. Wanting to drop the topic completely.

Remus shook his head but made sure to keep his tone even and gentle. “No. Sirius you're not. You’re drunk. And you're hiding behind the alcohol. I know you're not fine.”

Sirius felt his heart drop to his stomach. Remus could see through him and it sucked. And now he's mad. “But now you're mad at me.” He mumbled, looking away and messing with his necklace. “I basically took away your Christmas because you insisted on staying with me. And as soon as I leave that room you get mad at me.

“I'm not mad at you.” His voice got softer as he took Sirius’s hand, intertwining their fingers. “And I'm okay. I'm not worried about some stupid fucking holiday.”

He leaned into Remus’s arm, still playing with his sleeve. Remus wrapped an arm around him and pulled him closer and he relaxed.

“Come on.” Remus said softly as he stood up. “Let’s get out of the middle of everything, yeah?” He led Sirius over to a couch by the fireplace that was currently unused.

Remus was looking over Sirius’s shoulder, clearly distracted by something. Sirius followed his gaze and saw James and Regulus. They were laughing and talking and seemed to genuinely enjoy each other's company.

“Do you think he's happy?” Remus whispered.

“Which one?”

“Regulus.”

“Yeah. I've always said he needs to find his James. He’s been…better since James has been around. I don't know if James has seen how bad he’s gotten, and I expect he’d freak out, but Reggie seems happy. I feel like James will help.” Sirius didn’t want to think about how Regulus gets when he gets bad, but knowing that he has a support system that will do anything possible to help makes him feel a little less bad about it.

“Yeah…That makes sense.” Remus smiled and put his arm around Sirius again. “I'm proud of you.”

“For what?”

“For recognizing something like that. It’s nice seeing you care like that even after everything that's happened with you two.”

“I've always cared. There's shit no one knows about, and when Reggie gets bad, he gets bad. He needs someone like James to keep him grounded.”

Remus played with his hair mindlessly as they sat in comfortable silence.

“There's weed upstairs.” Sirius mumbled

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“I'll go grab it. You stay here.” Remus got up and stretched a bit.

“Thanks babes. I love you!” Sirius called after him

Remus laughed and looked back. “I love you too.”

Remus sat back down a minute later and put an arm around Sirius again as he lit the joint.

Sirius took a drag as soon as it left Remus’s mouth, still making Remus hold onto it.

Remus ran his hands through Sirius’s hair as they took turns with the blunt, both of them getting high relatively fast.

“I wanna go look at the stars…” Sirius mumbled, the mix of weed and alcohol really calming him down.

Remus laughed and stubbed out the joint before standing up, they made their way out to the backyard and Sirius immediately laid on the grass, putting an arm behind his head.

Remus laid down next to him and turned on his side, looking mainly at Sirius. “The stars are beautiful…” He whispered.

Sirius raised his hand up and pointed to one of the brightest stars. You could see the full Orion constellation around it if you knew what you were looking for, but based on Remus’s astronomy scores he probably didn't see it. “I’m over there.”

Remus smiled and grabbed the hand Sirius was using to point, lacing their fingers and pulling down so their hands were on Sirius’s chest. “Is that right?”

“Yeah. Regulus is behind us. If you look hard enough you can see my full constellation.”

“I kinda see something, yeah…” He trailed off, looking back at Sirius. Sirius looked back this time, admiring the way the moon glowed in Remus’s eyes. There were only a couple more days until the next full. “You’re more pretty than the stars though.” Remus finished, smiling stupidly.

“You're high." SIrius laughed.

“Damn right I am. But I'm not lying.” His voice was soft and tired, the weed was definitely getting to him.

“If that's what you wanna believe.”

“I love you.” He laid down on top of Sirius, putting his head on his chest.

“I love you too.” Sirius ran a hand through his hair.

“I love you more.”

Sirius laughed. He loved this game. “Oh we’re fighting now? I’ll always win that one, my love.”

“Nuhuh. Not against me you wont.”

Sirius laughed, clearly enjoying the childish banter between them. “Mmm, yeah I will.”

“No way.” Remus picked his head up and looked at Sirius, tracing one of the scars that were on Sirius’s face.