Chapter 23; December 5th, 1974
Ten days. He’d been doing okay, really, he has amazing friends and a great boyfriend, but when someone mentioned the ten days until they’re back on that train, going home for christmas, everything he’d worked to fix fell apart again.
He thought he was over being scared. He knew it was childish, but he couldn’t help it. He was fucking terrified, and he wasn’t good at hiding it.
Remus had picked up on the fact that something was wrong, he wasn’t pushing Sirius to talk, but he knew that eventually he would have to. He knew he would break, and this time he couldn’t go crying to Regulus. Regulus is in the same situation. Usually it's only Sirius that has to be home. She’s mad this year.
Sirius had barely said a word all day, and that didn’t go unnoticed. People have started asking Remus if Sirius is okay, which only made him feel worse. James stayed quiet with him. He didn't change much around other people, but when he wasn't talking to anyone else he usually had a hand on Sirius’s shoulder or was rubbing his back, Remus barely let go of his hand all day. They were being careful, which was nice, until Sirius realized why they were doing all this. Part of it was because they care, and part of it was because he was on suicide watch.
It had been over a year since his last attempt, which was his birthday last year. Things had gotten better. He still had the thoughts, those were hard to get rid of, but he had gotten better. He made promises. This was a promise he really couldn't break. He saw how much it had hurt James and Remus and Peter, he’d feel worse if he did it again. He’s never kept a promise for himself, but he always tried as hard as he could with them. He still cuts from time to time when things get really bad, but as long as the marauders were still in his life, he wouldn’t attempt again, or at least he’d try his hardest not to.
Lessons felt like they lasted forever, all the teachers kept droning on and on, nothing sped up but nothing slowed down either. The first thing Sirius said that day was in between astronomy and divination.
“Pads, are you sure you’ll be okay if I go? I can skip care of magical creatures if you want me to.”
“Moony, go to class. I’m fine, promise. I wont do anything stupid.”
“You sure?”
“Yes moons. I promise.” He locked their pinkies together and kissed him quickly, not knowing another way to prove that he’s okay.
“Okay. Come get me if you need me. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
He walked into the classroom slowly, taking his seat next to James, staying quiet again.
“You’ll be okay right?” James asked around halfway through the class.
Sirius nodded, avoiding eye contact as much as possible.
He went to his bed as soon as lessons were over, closing the curtains and putting up a silencing charm, the only way he could get away from them. He loves his friends, and he loves that they care, but with things like this it only makes it worse. He won’t do anything, but constantly having eyes on him makes the urge stronger.
They tried to avoid the room, it seemed, someone came up every twenty-thirty minutes, usually to grab something and go back downstairs, never saying anything, except for one time. They didn’t leave this time, he could feel the presence of another person in the room, but he didn’t know who it was. They were laying on James's bed. He could hear them breathing if he focused hard enough. He was comfortable around them, but it wasn't one of his roommates. He wasn’t gonna be the first to talk, and the other person didn’t seem to want to talk, so there they sat, on separate beds, curtains closed between them, in comfortable silence.
Sirius doesn't know how long it’s been, but the silence was getting too loud. He flicked his wand and started the record player, Remus was the last one to use it, his favorite album was still on the turntable.
The other person turned the volume down, not all the way, but enough that it was just background music. They took a couple deep breaths, like they wanted to say something, but they always gave up.
Someone else walked in, whispering to the other person, too quiet for Sirius to understand, he assumed it was Remus by the way the voice sounded, the other person stayed a mystery.
“Do what you want, just be careful. That goes for both of you. Sirius, I brought you stuff from dinner, it's on the table by your bed. I’ll be downstairs if you need anything.”
Sirius took off the silencing spell to thank him, but he was already gone by the time the spell fully broke.
“He really cares about you, you know.” The other person said, breaking the silence between them.
“Hm.” Sirius responded. Out of all the people he didn’t want to talk to, he was towards the top of the list.
“You don’t have to respond. I know you’re not gonna want to talk. You don’t even have to listen, but no one else would understand. We’re all scared, and we all handle it differently, I know that, but something’s off about this time, it's so much worse than before. Hell, Evan was fucking crying last night and i haven’t seen him sober in over a month. Him and Barty know something, and they won’t tell me, and I know you probably don’t know anything either, but I feel like not knowing is scarier. I accepted the fact that we were getting beat the second we get into that house, but there's something else now too, and I don’t know what it is.” He trailed off, sniffling slightly.
Sirius felt like he couldn’t move, he knew he could, but he couldn’t. He wanted to tell him it’s okay, he wanted to promise him that he’s overthinking and that nothings gonna happen, but he couldn’t bring himself to lie to him like that. Not about this, not to Regulus.
“Sorry, I’m probably not making you feel any better, I didn’t know who else to go to.” He mumbled, standing up.
“Reg, don’t leave. I don’t want you going back to that dorm right now.” Sirius responded. “I don’t know what to do about anything yet. I’ll figure it out.”
“I don’t want to go back. She’s mad and I can’t get out of it this time.”
“I know Reggie. We’re fucked. There's nothing we can do about that. We’ll make it through though, yeah? We’ve done it before.”
“But what if-”
“Don’t do that. It only makes you feel worse.”
He sniffled again and sat back down on James’s bed. “Sorry.”
“It’s alright, stay here tonight, we’ll figure everything else out when we need to.”
“Can I go downstairs? I wanna ask James something.” He asked softly, hesitating before saying James’s name.
“Yeah, just don’t go back to the slytherin dorms, they tear you apart even more down there.”
He sniffled again as he walked out, closing the door softly behind him. Sirius was alone again. That's what he wanted, but now it feels wrong. He got used to the comfort of another person being there, especially someone who understands.
He took a deep breath before getting up and walking to the bathroom. He knows it's a bad habit, but it makes him feel better, even if it destroys him in the process. He needed to feel something, and he only knows of two ways to feel something, and one of them involved someone else, so there's only one option left.
He unscrewed the top of his razor, pulling the blade out and setting the pieces on the counter. He held his breath as the blade touched the skin on his hip, sliding across it easily. He liked watching as the blood pooled out of it, covering his hip in drips of red. He made a few more cuts before putting the razor back together, some of the cuts were deeper than was probably safe, but if it gets bad Remus will fix it, and no one else will have to know.
He walked downstairs slowly, sitting down next to Remus.
Remus kissed the side of his head and put an arm around his waist, pulling him in closer.
“Be careful, please.” Sirius whispered, leaning into him. His hip was starting to burn more, and his pants kept rubbing against it.
“Why? You okay?” Remus asked.
“I'm fine. Just don’t move your hand any lower.”
“Sirius.”
“It's not that bad. I’ll be fine.”
“Promise?”
“Mhm.”
“Promises don’t work without real words.”
“I know.”
Remus took another deep breath and relaxed his arm, grabbing Sirius’s hand.