The beginning?
They had been together for... a year? He couldn’t believe it had been that long already. Time seemed to pass so quickly these days. It surely hadn’t been that long since they all had started Hogwarts, and now the fifth year was already coming to it’s end.
It was late Spring, and they were walking by the lake enjoying the warm and soft summer wind, that gently swayed the green leaves of the trees. Sirius always enjoyed spending time with his three best friends, especially now that it was so close to the summer break, and he probably wouldn’t see them for the next two months at all. Of course they had talked about it and thought, if they could in any possible way sneak into Sirius’ house or other way around sneak Sirius out of the house, but knowing his parents, it was going to be a very hard and nearly impossible mission.
“Hey dreamer! Could we move on already?” James yelled from a little distance away. Sirius hadn’t even noticed that he had stopped walking along the others, just staring at the calm blue water of the lake, which slightly reflected the white clouds in the sky.
“Yeah, I’m coming!” He just answered and caught the others up. They just continued their walking, James and Peter talking about everything cool they should do on the holiday. Sirius didn’t really even listen to the conversation between those two, he was still bit in his own world. He noticed someone walking by his side, and when he looked up, he just saw Remus’ kind brown eyes looking at him with a slightly worried expression.
“You feeling alright?” Remus asked in a kind tone. His voice was so smooth and kind and gentle... it always made Sirius smile a bit, even if it was a bad day.
“Yeah, I’m alright.” Sirius just answered, smiling a bit. Remus just looked at him a bit like he didn’t really believe that answer.
“Moony, I really am just fine. Okay?” He tried to sound a bit more convincing this time, still smiling.
“Okay. You just look like you wouldn’t really be here.. you can always talk to me if something bothers you.” Remus said kindly, still looking a bit worried, but not as much as a couple of minutes ago. Sirius looked down before looking up and speaking again. He didn’t sound too serious, but he definitely wasn’t smiling so happily anymore.
“I’m just thinking about this summer again. I don’t really know how am I supposed to deal with my parents for like two months straight.. you know they can be a bit.. well.. not so nice. And I can’t even see you for the whole summer.” Sirius sounded a bit sad, and he was, especially because he knew that he was going to miss Remus more than anything beginning from the first day of the break.
“It’ll be alright.. and Autumn will come faster than you’ll expect, and we’ll see each other in the train again. Then we have the whole semester together again.” Remus was trying his best to seem happy, but the sadness was still pretty clear in his voice. He wasn’t the best at hiding emotions.
“It still won’t be the same Moony, you know it...” Sirius didn’t really want to sound too anxious about it, since the last thing he wanted was to worry Remus even more.
“I know Pads.. I know...” there was few seconds of silence before Remus opened his mouth again.
"What if I sneak in, and hide in your room? Then we could be together, and no one would ever have to know.” Remus suddenly sounded a bit hopeful, and it made Sirius feel a bit hopeful too.
“I-I don’t really think that would be a good idea Moony... It would be easier with James or Peter... but you know how my parents think of people like you... they would give dozens of galleons to help werewolf hunters find and kill more of you... They know that you’re a werewolf, and they would kill you in no time if they would find you even near our house. It’s already too much for them to know that we’re dating, and they’re never gonna accept that. Please, Moons don’t put yourself in so big danger just for me.” Sirius really sounded desperate to convince Remus not to do that. His parents had told him even when he was young, that werewolves should be killed, and when they found out he was actually dating one.. well, he didn’t want to think about it anymore.
“But Sirius please, you know it isn’t just for you, and I promise to be careful. Nothing will go wrong, and I can always just leave if it starts to look too bad, okay? You know it would be better for both of us.” Sirius had always been weak. Not weak physically, just weak for Remus pleading him with those really kind brown eyes that always made him smile.
“You promise you’d be super careful?” Sirius asked, still doubting a bit.
“Super careful.” Remus promised.
“Okay, but if anything goes wrong or if you’re in any danger because of thi-” Sirius was quickly cut out by soft warm lips being pressed against his own. The kiss lasted for only a few seconds, but it still was enough to keep surprised looking Sirius quiet after it.
“I promise I’ll be careful, and nothing will go wrong.” Remus sounded enough convincing, that Sirius (for now) let himself believe that everything was going to be just fine.
“Come, James and Peter are probably already in the castle, and we’re soon gonna be late from our class!” Remus took Sirius’ hand and together they ran back to the castle trying not to be late. Everything was perfect. Alright and perfect, at least for now.
-----
It was a bright sunny day, very good weather to end the school semester. It was around 8 a.m. and Sirius was awake lying on the bed watching his boyfriend sleep calmly next to him. Because it was the last night that they had a chance to sleep together, the two had decided to use it and sleep in one bed, even though it was against the rules. Nobody there even cared about it, so it really didn’t matter, and Sirius himself didn’t actually believe that most of the professors even would say anything against it if they knew.
It always brought him peace watching Remus sleep in the morning, knowing that at least in that moment, when Remus was asleep, he could forget all the bad things in his life and just have peace for those few hours before waking up to the messy world again. Sirius himself hadn’t slept a lot. It happened always when the school year was about to end. He was just too stressed of the thought that he was leaving Hogwarts and going back home again after nearly a year. At least looking at the sleeping form next to him helped. He knew it wouldn’t take long till the other would wake up and start heading down to the Great Hall.
The sun was already shining brightly from the sky, as it had been for a few hours now. Sirius personally didn’t like Summers as much as Winters, one of the reasons was probably the light. At Summer the sun never seemed to go down, and there was not a single part of the day where it would’ve actually been dark. Sirius liked dark and rainy weather. Especially if he got to spend it with Remus who was often wearing one of those soft sweaters, curled up on the common room couch right in front of the fireplace. He smiled softly at the memories, that were now slowly filling his thoughts.
Near Christmas, they always used to sit around one of the wooden tables of the common room and talk late to the night with the Marauders, and of course a few of the Gryffindor girls, that were the same year as them. Remus would always fall asleep onto his lap at some point of the night, and then when they all finally decided to go to sleep at some point of the night, Sirius didn’t dare to wake Remus up anymore, so he would just carry him into bed and softly kiss him goodnight.
A slight movement next to him brought him back from his daydreams. He looked down and saw that Remus stirred a bit, he was clearly waking up soon. Sirius used those few minutes to watch his beautiful boyfriend sleep before he would wake up and Sirius wouldn’t be able to do that for Merlin knows how long. It really didn’t take Remus a couple minutes more to open his eyes as he let out a small sigh. Sirius just looked down at him, and they both slightly smiled warmly at each other, connecting eyes.
“How did you sleep?” Sirius asked softly, still smiling.
“Good.. Even better now that I got to sleep next to you.” Remus answered, still a bit sleepy.
“You didn’t get much sleep last night, did you?”
“No... you know I really can’t sleep when it’s the last night..”
“Yeah, that’s what I guessed.” Remus curled up to him just a bit closer. Sirius really liked sharing a bed with him, it made him feel not so alone.
“Should we get dressed and go down to eat the breakfast or do you wanna stay in bed for a while longer?” Sirius asked softly, while stroking Remus’ hair a bit.
“I like it here... it’s so warm and comfy.” Remus answered, eyes closed.
“You’re not falling back to sleep, are you?” Sirius asked, giving a little laugh.
“No... just resting my eyes.”
They laid in bed late, laughing at good memories from the past months, thinking of how the summer would go, and just cuddling.
When they finally got up, it was around 12 p.m. and the other students were already outside swimming, playing quidditch and just hanging around with their friends for the last time before summer.
“I’m literally starving... there’s probably no breakfast left anymore.” Remus said as he put his brown (probably oversized) t-shirt on.
“Let’s just go to the kitchen and steal something from there. Then we can have a nice little picnic by the lake somewhere that’s quiet and peaceful.” Sirius suggested, though he definitely already knew that Remus was going to agree with him. They both liked to go somewhere to the lake where they got to be all alone, just the two of them.
“Let’s go then!” Remus said and left the room Sirius following right behind him.
They found a couple pieces of leftover cakes from breakfast, and a few peanut butter sandwiches from the kitchen, and then ran out of the castle and down the school grounds to the forest next to the lake. Last Autumn they had found a little square, that was in the middle of the forest, and right next to the lake, so Sirius got to go swimming anytime he wanted to while Remus watched from the shore of the lake. There also was a nice little stream that they had to cross to get into their place, but it sounded pretty nice. They both loved that place, and it was so perfect that they got to spend the last few hours there together. Sirius of course wanted to try swimming in the lake for the last time before the summer break and tried his best to get Remus to join him but failed at that. Remus really didn’t like swimming too much, and he rather just stayed on the solid ground.
Too soon it was time to go back to the castle and leave the place for a couple of months. They still had to pack their stuff before going to the final meal that would officially start the summer break, the students would walk to the train station, and go back to London by the Hogwarts Express. Sirius and Remus took all the time they needed and walked slowly back to the castle holding hands and still thinking about the memories. When they finally got to the castle and went up to the common rooms, James and Peter were already there packing their own things up. Those two had of course been playing quidditch all day, and their clothes definitely looked like it.
They finally got everything packed up and were ready to go to the Great Hall. The others turned to leave, but Sirius stayed behind, looking around himself, trying put every single wall and corner into his mind, so he could think of it at Summer. Remus walked back to the room, of course he had noticed that Sirius was dreaming his own things again.
“I wanted to give something to you, maybe it can help you.” Remus took one of his favorite sweaters from behind his back and gave it to Sirius.
“I made spell that should keep it warm and the scent in it shouldn’t go away by time... I hope it works.” Remus smiled a bit, waiting for a reaction. Sirius had to take a moment to progress what just happened, even though it seemed small to Remus, it meant the world to Sirius. He really didn’t want to end up crying, but of course he failed it right that second. Sirius just hugged his boyfriend really tightly and let out a few quiet sobs alongside the words “thank you” which he was just repeating over and over again with a voice that was nearly a whisper. Remus just hugged him back, and they stayed there like that for a while before James opened the door and informed them that they had to go downstairs now. They broke the hug (of course kissed again too) and left the room hand in hand.
The meal went by extremely fast, and everyone was just talking of Summer and having a great time. This year the House Cup went to Hufflepuffs, and Slytherins were the seconds. Ravenclaws came third this year, and Gryffindors were the last ones for the first time in years, which truly didn’t surprise Sirius at all, since the Marauders (or just him and James), had been pulling extreme pranks and doing mischief all year. Sirius himself thought it was completely worth it, you don’t turn 15 every year, do you? Of course, Professor McGonagall really did not think the same way, and Sirius didn’t even know anymore had he seen her more in the transfiguration classes or in detention. Despite everything, Sirius still liked Professor McGonagall a lot, since she also knew how to get the joke, and her classes were quite interesting.
The meal was over way too quickly, and before any of them noticed, they were already sitting on the train, travelling back to London. Sirius, Remus, James and Peter of course shared the same cabin, Peter and James sitting on the other side, and Sirius sitting on the other with Remus. Or Remus wasn’t actually fully sitting, since he was half laying and half sitting leaning on Sirius’ chest, and again sleeping. It had been a full moon just a few days ago, and it had been a bit worse than usual, so it left Remus really tired for a while. Sirius was a bit worried how Remus would be able to handle the moons during the summer break, since there was no dog, or a stag to help him with it. He just prayed that the brown-haired boy would survive it without any too deep wounds.
Sirius must’ve fallen asleep himself too, because the next time he opened his eyes, he could see that they were nearly at King’s Cross Station. He didn’t want to leave his Moony yet, let alone wake him up, but he knew he had to before his parents would see Remus too. He didn’t want to even think what would happen then... He gently woke Remus up by kissing him softly on his forehead, and then they together left the train taking their stuff with them. Nearly as soon as they stepped out of the train, Sirius saw his parents in the loud crowd. He just turned at Remus and kissed him deeply one last goodbye.
“I’ll try to send you an owl, okay?” Sirius said with a little panicked tone
“Okay. Go now...” Sirius didn’t even nearly hear Remus’ answer when he already turned around and quickly went to the way he had seen his parents go so he could lead them away from where Remus was as fast as possible. Gladly, or not, he found his parents before anything bad happened, and they quietly left the station.
-----
It had been a week, and Sirius had already cried himself to sleep three times. He hated this house, his parents, and everything related to those things. He just missed his friends and Hogwarts so much, and most of all he missed Remus. The sweater he had gotten really did help, though his mother had nearly burned it when she had found it for the first time. Luckily Sirius had been able to save it. His parents were burning all the letters that came for him, even though none of them even was from Remus. Mostly just James, Peter or Lily asking how his summer was going.
After three weeks he had finally had enough, and at night, when everyone else in the house was sleeping, he finally wrote a letter to Remus, asking how he was doing and literally pouring a big part of his heart into that letter. He also suggested that if Remus really wanted to try coming over, he could do it just a few days after the next full moon which was only a week away. Sirius’ parents had planned a trip to the Malfoys, and of course Sirius wasn’t invited. Sirius was only happy about it, since he absolutely hated the Malfoys, especially Lucius.
He didn’t like that Remus would do something that dangerous right after a full moon, but if the two wanted to see each other (which they both really needed) it would have to be that time. And at least then Sirius could check that Remus didn’t have any too severe looking wounds or that anything else wasn’t wrong.
The days seemed to go by extra slowly. Sirius usually just spent the day upstairs in his room listening to music and maybe doing something useful, like going outside for a walk, but mostly he was in his own room sitting on the ground hugging the sweater. He was raised to not be emotional. He wasn’t allowed to have or show any emotions, and crying was one of the deadly sins. Still, he did it nearly every day. He tried his best to fight it and hide it, and usually he was successful, but always he didn’t have luck, and his mother, or in the worst-case scenario father, would walk in, and that didn’t lead to anything good. His body was still aching, and the bruises never seemed to go away. Few of them were from last Summer, when his parents somehow found out the fact that first; he was dating without permission, second; he was dating a boy, and third; that boy he was dating was a werewolf.
The days passed by like years, and after what had felt like an eternity, it was finally the full moon. It was the first full moon in months that Remus would spend completely alone. Sirius actually had no idea where his boyfriend even lived through the Summers, since they never really spoke anything about his family or home. Does Remus even have a family? Or a home? Suddenly Sirius felt a massive mass of concern fill up his stomach, that made him want to throw up right there. He laid in his bed quietly (now wearing the sweater and hugging himself), looking outside of the window and just hoping that his Moony would be alright. He couldn’t hold the tears back anymore. He knew how angry the beast could be. He knew how the beast could react to being alone. He also started thinking that if Remus actually didn’t have a home, where would he get anything to eat? Was he actually starving to death? With that Sirius cried himself into sleep, again...
A few days later it was finally the day he would see his sweet kind Moony again, and he was trying hard not to jump around the walls, so he wouldn’t be too suspicious, but it was getting kind of hard. At the same time, he wasn’t sure at all did Remus even ever get his letter? Did he ever even see it? Will he even come? Hours went by so slowly, but finally the evening came, and Sirius just waited for Remus to come. He waited... and waited... and waited... Suddenly there was a sound as if a rock had been thrown into the window, and Sirius of course ran straight up to look what the sound was. He slowly opened the window, and right down below him in the rain stood Remus, completely wet. Sirius just sprinted downstairs and opened the front door, letting the boy in, and Remus instantly just came inside, and half jumped, half ran into Sirius’ arms locking him into a tight hug. Sirius hugged him back so tight that he was afraid he was going to accidentally choke him right in there. The next few minutes were full of hugs and kisses, but after that, Sirius decided to open his mouth first;
“Oh Merlin, I’ve missed you so so so so much..” His voice was barely louder than a whisper.
“I’ve missed you too Pads, more than you think.” There was a few seconds of quiet before Sirius spoke again.
“Let’s go upstairs, I’ll show you my room.” The boys climbed the stairs to Sirius’ room and sat down on to the floor right next to each other.
“Have your parents been too cruel to you again?” Remus asked, sounding concerned, and referring a bit to last Summer.
“Not that bad... Mom nearly burned this sweater and they have also burned all of my letters so I’m sorry if you have sent something.”
“It’s alright, really. I didn’t even send anything, and I can give you another sweater, so if your mother burns this one, you can use the other one.” Remus’ voice was just filled with empathy and understanding.
“No, really... Moons I can’t just take all of your favorite sweaters. It’s too much to ask for.”
“Nothing’s too much if you ask it, really.” “You sure?” ”I’m absolutely sure.” Sirius just looked at Remus with the most grateful and loving look no one has ever seen.
“Here, I have one with me.” Remus pulled out a nice brow-striped sweater from his backpack, and then put the same spell to it. Sirius took the sweater happily and hid it deep into his closet.
“Thank you Moons.. really.” Sirius hugged him again, trying hard not to cry (again). Now already dried up Remus flinched a bit of the sudden touch, which made Sirius back off a bit
“Moons? What’s wrong, did I do something??” Sirius really sounded panicked and there was a bit of guilt in his voice.
“No, no Siri, really, it’s alright. It wasn’t you, okay?” Remus tried to calm him down and hug him again, but this time Sirius pushed him away himself.
“No, no, no. Something is wrong, Moons... please tell me what it is.”
“It’s really nothing, okay?” Then the realization hit Sirius like brick straight onto his face.
“You got hurt on the full moon, didn’t you?” Sirius asked, suddenly even more concerned about his boyfriend.
“It’s.. It's really not that bad...” Remus was looking down, and his voice was a lot quieter now.
“Show me.”
”What?”
“Show me the scars.” Sirius sounded very determined to help Remus, and Remus also knew he had no way to get out of the situation.
After a couple of minutes silence, Remus finally took his t-shirt off revealing his already scarred light skin. There were a couple of deep bites, one on his right shoulder, and another one on his left arm, that were still looking like they could start bleeding at any minute. There also were many deep and long red cuts and wounds all over his back, chest, arms and stomach. Sirius just looked down checking out every single wound and line that was on his boyfriend’s skin. Had it ever been this bad? Was this the first time it had been this bad after they started helping him? Sirius slowly realized that he really hadn’t ever seen Remus this bad after a full moon.
“It really isn’t that bad...” A small voice brought him back from his own world again. Sirius really wanted to just hug Remus, say that it was alright, or at least going to be alright, and that he was safe now. He just was too scared to touch him, scared that he would break him even more.
“Please..” That quiet voice just literally broke a part in Sirius. He was just looking at his boyfriend, all broken right in front of him, and he was just frozen. He couldn’t think properly. But that small world, that literally just broke his heart into pieces, was enough to bring him back again.
It took him just a second or maybe two to get a little closer and hug Remus tightly, cradling him gently against his chest, and whispering reassuring words while Remus just cried into his shoulder. They stayed like that for a long time, until Remus had finally calmed down a bit. Sirius hadn’t even noticed that he had started crying too, he just felt the tears fall down on his cheeks.
“It’s gonna be just alright, okay? You’re gonna be alright...” Sirius tried his best to sound sure and soothing, but he really didn’t succeed too well.
“Does it still hurt much? Please just tell me the truth this time, okay?” Sirius had never pleaded for anything from anyone before. But this was so different. This was something he had to know the true answer. He just needed it.
“I-it’s n-not as bad a-anymore.. It still h-hurts of course, b-but n-not as m-much...” Remus’ voice was still very quiet, and it sounded broken, as if his throat had been ripped out and then sewn back together.
“D-do you want me to give you something? I think we have some meds somewhere around here. We must have. Or I can try to heal the wounds by a magic, maybe they’ll heal, maybe the scars won’t even be that visible.” Sirius was ready to get up and turn the whole house around if that meant he could help Remus in any way. He was stopped before he even had a chance to get up.
“N-no! Please... Just stay here, please..”
“Okay, okay.. I’ll stay here, don’t worry... I won’t leave you.” Sirius tried his best to calm down and not to worry, but it was surprisingly hard. At least he had to calm Remus down so the wounds wouldn’t start bleeding again.
“It’s alright... just go to sleep, it’ll be alright.”
It took time for Remus to calm down again, but finally he fell asleep. Sirius was still sitting on the floor at the same spot holding Remus tightly in his arms. A few silent tears fell down his face, but he didn’t really care anymore. The floor was cold and definitely uncomfortable, the house was surprisingly cold even mid-summer, another reason for Sirius to hate the house. Even though the floor was cold, hard and uncomfortable, Sirius just couldn’t get up. He couldn’t move, not even an inch. He wanted to just stay in that moment, having his boyfriend sleeping in his arms again just like the rainy days in the Gryffindor tower. He had missed that, even if it had been just a month, it was still way too long time for him not to be able to even know if Remus was doing alright.. He was scared that if he moved again, it would be over. He also was scared to wake Remus up, because he had looked so tired, and it had been full moon just a few days after all. Sirius had no idea what Remus had been doing all summer, or where he had been or slept or anything at all. It really worried him because what if Moony had been living in the forest for the whole summer? or out on the streets? His Moony on the streets where anyone could easily hurt him or do something bad? Never. Sirius knew he had to ask about it once Remus woke up again, but now he just let him sleep soundly.
He finally got up from the floor when his lower back started aching so much that he just couldn’t sit there anymore. Gently, he laid Remus down on his bed, and got a blanket to cover his scarred shirtless upper body. Sirius didn’t know what he would do when his parents got home, but he couldn’t really bring himself to think about that yet. For now, he was just going to sit next to the bed and watch his boyfriend sleep.
-----
Sirius must’ve fallen asleep at some point, because when he woke up again the sun was shining brightly outside, and the sun rays brought light into the dark room. His back was aching a bit from sleeping on the chair for the night, but he didn’t really care. Remus was still sleeping in the bed, but soon the morning light would also wake him up and bring back all the shit that happened in their real world. Again, Sirius found himself just looking at the sleeping form on the bed, while thrifting in his own troubled mind. He was scared of what would happen if his parents would come home now. They hadn’t said anything about how long they would be gone, or at what time. Even though the feeling of being scared always stayed somewhere in the back of his mind, he couldn’t find himself to think about it now.
Sirius watched Remus sleep for a while longer, but then decided to go downstairs and make some tea. When he came back from his little trip, he found Remus sitting on the bed, looking down at his arms, going through his whole body with his eyes, scanning every single scar, wound and mark in his skin. Even though Sirius couldn’t fully see Remus’ eyes, he could feel his look and thoughts heavily filling the room. Even from the door Sirius could see that Remus’ hands were shaking a bit, like he would’ve been having a small panic attack. Quickly he put down the hot mug of tea, walked over to the bed and got down on his knees right in front of Remus. Sirius took Remus’ both hands into his and looked up into his teary eyes.
“Oh Moony, love, what’s wrong? Does it hurt again?” Sirius tried to sound as gentle and supportive as possible while trying to keep himself from breaking again.
“N-no.. It d-doesn't hurt much... j-just the... just the s-scars a-and... everything...” Remus’ voice was still quiet and hoarse, and sounded a bit wrong as he was fighting back tears.
“It’s alright Moons.. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Don’t be so hard on yourself or blame yourself for something that you can’t control. And the scars don’t matter. Your past doesn’t matter. Because despite everything, it’s still you.” It really was true. Bad things happen and when they do, it’s important to have people around you. And everything bad that has ever happened is not something to be ashamed of. It’s a thing to be proud of... Surviving all that, and still being able to love people around you. Being able to stay who you are. Sirius got up from the floor and sat to the bed next to Remus and hugged him really tight.
“It’s all gonna be just fine... Do you wanna tell me about it? Or where have you spent all summer?” Sirius actually did succeed to turn Remus’ thoughts into something else, like all the fun they could do when they got back to Hogwarts. Remus also explained a bit about what he had been doing all summer. They just talked, laughed and cuddled together in the bed for many hours, enjoying the time they finally got to spend together.
Everything was so nice and warm at first, but before anyone noticed, it had already turned cold, like the tea on the wooden table.