The first thing he noticed was that his door knob had been turned at least thirty degrees to the left. Regulus made it a self-enforced rule to always leave the door knob perfectly straight and currently, the diagonal was itching his skin. The door knob was enough to awaken his mind to the other inaccuracies with his apartment. The one glaring up at him was the multiple shoe prints on his welcome mat. The pattern was now disturbed and had him staring it down. Regulus’ keys stab his palm as his hand curls into a fist and anger swirls in his stormy eyes. He takes a deep breath in and closes his eyes, slowly uncurling that fist, inserting his key into the top lock and then the bottom, perfectly aligning it with a click. He bites his lip as his hesitant hand curls around the door knob. One exhale and the knob is turning. Two exhales and the door is cracking open. Three exhales and his foot is in the door. Four exhales and he’s fully in the house, shutting the door, and placing his key on the shelf. Five exhales and his body is turning and he’s mentally bracing for-
“SURPRISE!”
Lights up. Regulus knew what was to come but still couldn’t stop his body from jumping at the explosion of sound. He looks among the sea of smiling faces, meeting each of them with his own blank expression and just as he suspected, right dab smack in the middle of them all is his stupid well meaning brother in a stupid party hat holding a stupid confetti popper at his stupid party and it’s all so… stupid.
He’s ready to express his opinion but his eyes land on a face he’d miss in his initial scan of the room and his breath catches in his throat. While Regulus knew that Sirius could be idiotic at times, times such as throwing a surprise party for someone who explicitly forbade it, but there was no explanation, no justification for allowing him in his home. He doesn’t meet Regulus' eye because he knows he doesn’t belong. Everything about him being here is wrong and Regulus needs to put a stop to it, needs to kick everyone out and spend the rest of his day attending to the bottle of wine that laid at the bottom of the grocery bag in his hand right hand as originally intended but-
Sirius is wrapping his arms around him, knocking the air back out of him and causing him to drop the bag and he hears the crash and just like that all sound and breathing is back on. A pop song Regulus would never pick is playing and he has a sneaky suspicion that Sirius knew that. And Regulus is still angry but Sirius is hugging him and his wine is gone but Sirius is hugging him and there are people Regulus doesn’t know in his house but Sirius is hugging him.
Regulus sighs in defeat and allows his heart to let go of the wine just as his hand had and he reciprocates his brother’s hug, dipping his head in his shoulder and avoiding his face. Regulus can feel Sirius’ grin and barely even grumbles when his brother begins to ruffle his hair like he used to when they were much younger.
“Happy birthday, Bear:” Sirius whispers for him. He pulls back from the hug and grabs one of those god awful hats from a table filled with food and drinks that Regulus can’t admit he was happy to see. He finagles the hat onto Regulus’ head and stands back to admire his work. And though Regulus’ eyes remain dead, a small smile crosses his lips.
“Thanks, Siri.”
Sirius’ grin somehow grows and he attaches himself to Regulus’ side, slinging his arm around his shoulders. He turns to address the partygoers. “Somebody clean up whatever was in the bag because it is time to get my baby brother shitfaced!” Several stifled giggles and not so stifled scoffs, including one of Regulus’ own, travel throughout the room but Sirius ignores it and instead passes Regulus a shot glass filled with clear liquid. He grabs his own and raises it toward the crowd. “A toast to Reggie! Now a twenty year old man taking on the world!” Whoops and cheers erupt and Sirius quickly throws the drink back, his face fighting the drink’s effects. He looks at Regulus expectedly as do the rest of the party. Regulus eyes his glass in deep contemplation and then looks out to his ‘guests’, his gaze quick to find him . And with a roll of his eyes, he too downs his drink, in a much smoother fashion than his older brother. His active participation in the event results in another round of cheers and is all the permission needed for everyone to disperse. Some find their way to their own drinks while others ambush Regulus to offer him more congratulations on another year of not yet dying but Regulus' vision is still on him as he moves in the complete opposite direction. Regulus takes a deep breath in and accepts the next shot that someone passes him. As the drink makes its way down his throat, his eyes involuntarily shut and when they open, he is nowhere to be found.
The party goes on still without Regulus’ total approval and through the sea of strangers who must’ve been Sirius’ friends, Regulus eventually finds one of the masterminds behind all of this. And he’s currently doing a horrible job at beer pong. Regulus scoffs and makes his way to the table where his best friend and roommate now watches his opponent line up a shot with his tongue sticking out his mouth. The ball smoothly glides into the cup, causing his roommate to groan a bit more than necessary and the opposing team to celebrate along with everyone else surrounding the table. Regulus finds himself on the right side of Barty and once the drink is lowered from his face, the two are looking each other in the eyes, Regulus with his everlasting unimpressed eyes and Barty with his shit-eating grin. “So,” Regulus starts, crossing his arms, making sure not to break contact with Barty who out of the corner of his eyes was fiercely watching his opponent's next move. “You let them throw a party at our house.” There was no question, no accusation, simply a statement.
Barty seems to find something about it funny because he barks out a laugh. “Please, I’m the one who suggested it.” Another ball splashes into a cup. “Shit!” Barty exclaims and his teammate groans but still graciously accepts his defeat in the form of bitter beer. Regulus glares at the cups who take the attention of his best friend and makes a deliberate move that puts himself back in Barty’s eye-line. He grips onto Barty’s hand, paralyzing him from further movement.
“And you let him into my house.” The venom and implications of Regulus' words freeze the rest of Barty's movements even as another ball comes flying at him and misses its target. His eyes turn cold and his attention is ripped from the table.
“Reg, you know I had no say in that. That was all Sirius.” He bites back, missing the celebration of his teammate’s victory. As his turn begins, Regulus studies Barty’s face. His jaw tenses and his imperfect form leads to another wasted ball. Barty grunts and turns back to Regulus. “Just try to enjoy yourself, okay. I haven’t seen him anywhere all night, so it’s like he’s not even here.” Though his roommate’s words make sense, it’s not advice that Regulus can follow because he knows he’s here, he can feel his presence all around and it was impossible to ignore. Regulus doesn’t point this out, instead choosing to nod as though he understood. He sticks around to watch the game’s unsurprising end with his roommate’s opponents emerging mostly sober and victorious. And despite his mood, Regulus can’t help but laugh at his now not so sober roommate’s unceremonial loss.
There’s no universe where Regulus could forget but he could at least pretend that Barty’s advice was worth anything and pretend. “Set up another game, I’m gonna show you exactly how to play this game.”
With a teammate as horrible and inebriated as Barty, Regulus' loss is surprisingly minimal with his opponents just about on the same level of tipsy as he is. As the party rolls on, Regulus comes to the realization that the alarming amount of strangers in his apartment actually serves a purpose. The realization came after about the fourth guy his brother had not so subtly introduced to him with an entire dating profile biography at the ready and Regulus could not pin his game for the life of him. Obviously he understood there was a suggestion to mingle and potentially start something but he couldn’t figure out why Sirius would invite his ex and then try to introduce him to potential suitors. He remembers the brief moment of outrage his brother experienced when he first found out about their dating and guessed that some overly controlled part of Sirius was delighted to have a list of Sirius approved men at the ready. Regulus also remembered the lack of outrage when his heart was broken by someone Sirius calls his best friend and the thought leaves a knot in his gut.
Three more guys come after Regulus’ realization and he’s done. He was doing everything in his power to escape but his brother found him anywhere he went. Regulus suspected spies or superpowers and at this point he was tipping past the point of tipsy. He had just barely dodged his brother not even a minute ago and he could see his head peeking out in the crowd, moving toward him with an unknown body attached to a head of blonde hair. Regulus searched for a quick escape and dived for the window leading to the fire escape. Cold December air hits Regulus’ face and he hadn’t realized just how much the mass of hot bodies had affected the air in his apartment but as the fresh air mixed with his lungs, a part of him felt at peace. He can hear Sirius getting progressively louder and hurries push himself the rest of the way through the window. The harsh air pricks at Regulus’ skin and he finally feels as though he can breathe. He sits himself on the cleanest stair and wraps himself in his own body heat. He wasn’t quite sure if it was an affinity for the month he was born or if his naturally cold personality left him susceptible to favoring the season but Regulus had always found undeniable comfort in winter. And though his mind seems to always be in honey filled summer mornings with heat all around him, in the body next to him and the golden smile of a boy, Regulus’ heart belonged to the winter.
He’s able to enjoy only a few moments of himself before there’s the sound of heavy feet and the feel of a body behind him, invading his space. Regulus can only assume that Sirius finally found his rather uncreative hiding spot and had come to retrieve him but Regulus was absolutely done. He turned to face the body, a few choice words of where exactly he could shove a certain part of his body but words die in his throat and choke him as he’s met face to face with him .
“Hey Lionheart.”
James’ stupid golden smile heats up the world around them and just like that Regulus is brought back to those summer mornings. Regulus can see the air in front of both of them and it serves as a reminder that he can breathe, he is breathing. He turns his body too quickly and winces both from embarrassment and the whiplash.
“Hi James.”
Regulus forces his eyes to find entertainment in his thighs and makes the choice to ignore the warm body that was now sitting next to him. He can’t force his own body to ignore it as well and he doesn’t appreciate the betrayal of his relaxing limbs. Regulus couldn’t blame them entirely, they were only doing what they became accustomed to. They would always remember, no matter how hard he wished to forget and that was why his heart was melting and his face was red and he couldn’t-
“Quite a party you got going on.”
The blood pulses in his ears. “Yeah,” He nods slowly and the stupider part of him doesn’t want to end the conversation there. “I didn’t ask for it.” He finishes, stating a blatantly obvious fact and leaving a few unsaid words. The message of ‘I didn’t ask for you to be here' clear in his mind.
James chuckled and there are absolutely no butterflies in his stomach, that’s just the alcohol because that lie makes sense to Regulus. “I know.” His voice is smooth like whiskey and sweet like syrup. It leaves a sour taste in Regulus’ mouth and a warm feeling in his heart. Regulus is suddenly fearful, for the first time in a long time, that if they don’t stop here, he is going to die for sure. Either all the blood in his body would rush to his head or he would push himself off the escape and come to a swift clean end whilst simultaneously leaving James in almost as bad of a state as him. And because he wants nothing more, James continues on. “I’ve heard you are quite the belle of the ball. You have all the potential suitors swooning over your beer pong skills. They’re all falling at your feet for just a chance to make the ice prince smile.” And it sounds so good that Regulus has to remind himself of an empty autumn that never seemed to end.
A bitter part of his brain wonders if that’s why James finally made his presence known. A possessive jealousy of something that was once his, a dog pissing on the dingy toy that he hasn’t played with in months all because another hound came sniffing around. He briefly questions if this was Sirius’ real plan, baiting James into a state where he couldn’t stand the thought of Regulus with another. In this world, James would rush to his side, declare his never ending love and apologies and once again Regulus may be happy. But that world couldn’t exist, because in that world James actually had something to be sorry for.
“It’s only Sirius’ ridiculous attempt at setting me up with someone.” He offers the unearned explanation. James hums and his fingers creep toward Regulus’ leg. His breath hitches and his mind stutters. “I, I don’t have any interest in any of the idiots.” He defends himself though there’s nothing to defend. Even if there was a future with any of Sirius’ dumb friends, it wasn’t any of James’ business because Regulus wasn’t James’ pissy toy. But it still comforts him to see James’ red stained lips curl into a smile. And that alone has Regulus thinking of kisses that always tasted like peaches and peppermint.
“Oh really?” James muses.
Regulus finds his head nodding, a small ‘uh huh’ pushing past his lips. “Interesting.” And that’s the last of the commentary James has to offer. Regulus can see the opportunity to be free, to end this here and now with his body still above ground. All he has to do is walk away, go back to his party and-
“I’m sorry to hear about you and Lily.” Oh well. To die is to live and to live is to risk death.
James shrugs his shoulders and Regulus searches for the same hurt that comes across his own face when someone mentions him and James. He is only able to see it briefly in his honey eyes. “Some people aren’t meant to be, some people are.” His eyes trail down to Regulus’ fidgeting fingers and his next course of action is to place his hand atop of Regulus’. At that moment, Regulus feels the warmness all over and thinks he can hear angels.
“Yeah.” He breathes out an agreement that his head isn’t fully comprehending.
For the first time all night, deep gray meet hazelnut smooth eyes. “Are you enjoying your party?” James’ question feels more complicated than it should, than it is. He wonders if James is hoping to change his night around somehow or if this is just niceties, something Regulus isn’t too familiar with.
“I,” Regulus stops himself, trying to find enough power in his head to not jeopardize the hand on his with a wrong answer. He gives himself a moment more to think. “I haven’t had a birthday party in a long time.” He effectively dodges the question. “I haven’t been to a birthday party in a long time.” He voices a thought aloud. James licks his lips and the hand travels. It doesn’t go away like Regulus had feared, instead it moves up to his thigh, finding its home. He blames his full body shiver on the cold.
“So this is the best one you’ve been to then.” He says. “In a long time.” James adds on for unneeded clarification. Regulus nods.
“Yeah” He says, for unneeded clarification.
And they sit for just a moment of bliss. Regulus’ eyes flutter as James squeezes his thigh. “Well, I have to head out,” The disappointment hits like a ton of bricks to the heart. His head dips to look at his lap but Jame’s hand isn’t there anymore. It’s currently in the process of lifting Regulus’ head, forcing the two of them to lock eyes. “but I figured I’d offer the birthday boy my congratulations before I go.” Regulus begins to slowly nod and starts to say something that’s completely forgotten because there’s a pair of lips on his. A pair of lips that…
…that taste like strawberries…and vanilla
Lips that taste nothing like sweet Georgia peaches or mighty mint tea.
Lips that are stained red, not from any liquor.
Lips that… don’t belong to James.
The kiss is brief and though he’s looking at warm hazel eyes, Regulus knows the lips he was just kissing did not belong to James.
“Happy birthday Reggie.”
And suddenly the warmth is gone. The world is dim and it goes back to being unforgiving autumn for a split second until Regulus remembers.
It’s almost the end of December, today is Regulus’ birthday. It’s winter.
His head is fuzzy. The world is fuzzy. He registers the sound of feet and whips himself around with a flutter of hope in his heart.
It’s Sirius. Sirius with a big stupid grin on his face.
“There you are! Come on, it’s time for cake!”
The world is fuzzy and Regulus is being dragged inside.
His vision is fuzzy and people are surrounding him.
His ears are fuzzy and somebody- no everybody is singing ‘Happy Birthday’.
His face is fuzzy and all Regulus can think about are strawberry stained lips on his own.
His heart is fuzzy and Regulus wonders whose lips he was really kissing..
His mind is fuzzy and Regulus realizes James’ absence is even more blaring than his presence.
The world is fuzzy, the song has ended, and Regulus is closing his eyes.
He blows all the air out of his lungs and wishes for a world without summers, autumns, or winters. A world with no peaches or vanilla or strawberry or peppermint. A world without hazel.
A world with no more sugar sweet nothings.