Chapter 9 Fear and Comfort
Lucius had business to attend to and left Harry with the promise of lunch the next day. Both agreed to spend some time together, getting to know each other and hopefully forming a friendship so they could handle a lot of time together when the baby was born.
Harry was all smiles when Lucius left, having enjoyed the man's company even with Sirius glaring at the blonde.
It wasn't missed by Tonks, who pulled Harry aside just before dinner. 'Spill.'
'Spill what?' Harry asked.
'Blondie, how'd it go?' Tonks asked.
'Um... he told Narcissa and Draco. Narcissa agreed to a divorce and Draco said he'd like to try and be friends.'
'Not that that's not great,' Tonks said with an eye roll, 'but I meant the little scene we walked in on.'
Harry frowned. 'What do you mean?'
The witch smirked and folded her arms. 'Don't play coy with me, Harry Potter; you were both flushed and looked like you'd jumped away from each other. So...?'
Harry fidgeted with his shirt and looked down. 'Nothing happened.'
'Bull.'
'No, really,' Harry said. 'He saw me rubbing my stomach and asked if he could... you know, feel the baby. I said yes and he was doing just that before you walked in.'
Tonks raised her eyebrows. 'Are you sure?'
Harry nodded vigorously. He didn't want to mention the feeling of lust that had speared through him, the need to have Lucius touch him and in much more inappropriate places. And Lucius... he'd looked like he was going to strip Harry on the spot.
The teenager licked his lips and Tonks burst into laughter. Harry burned red but was saved by Remus. 'Dinner you two, stop your gossiping.'
'We don't gossip!' Tonk squawked.
Remus grinned and disappeared into the kitchen before his wife could curse him. Tonks smiled knowingly at Harry before steering the teenager in before her.
Sirius was still pouting and had Teddy in his arms, feeding the baby with a little spoon. He shot Harry a look but didn't say anything.
'Sirius, I'm sorry,' Harry tried yet again, sitting heavily. 'I didn't mean to sleep with him, it just happened.'
'Harry,' Sirius said quickly, 'you don't just happen to take your clothes off. You don't just happen to let him stick his co-'
Remus shut him up with a smack to the back of the head.
'What?' Sirius fumed.
'Stop swearing in front of my son,' Remus scowled.
Sirius glared at him before going back to feeding Teddy.
'Harry, you have to understand that this is hard to process,' Remus said. 'We were just getting use to the fact that you were gay and pregnant, now to learn that Lucius Malfoy's the father...' he sighed and rubbed his eyes.
Sirius looked up at him, Teddy gurgling in his arms. 'I just can't believe it's Lucius Malfoy,' he said the name like it was poison. 'I mean, you couldn't pick anyone else?'
'Leave him alone,' Tonks said, seeing that Harry was getting upset. The teenager was holding his fork tightly, knuckles turning white.
'What, you can't say you're okay with this!' Sirius said, gesturing at Harry with one arm. 'Your first time and you pick Malfoy? Seriously, Harry, he's a Slytherin! He was a Death Eater!'
'That's in the past!' Harry snapped, trying not to let his anger take over. Sirius had been like this all afternoon; sneering at Lucius, making snarky remarks, and all while Lucius had been perfectly polite.
'You can't just forget the past!' Sirius growled. 'Did you forget he attacked us at the Ministry?'
'He never attacked me, he didn't cast one spell until he had to defend himself,' Harry said angrily. 'He even stopped Bellatrix cursing me.'
'Oh, and that just makes him okay?' Sirius demanded.
'I didn't say that!' Harry snarled, close to yelling. The pregnancy was already affecting his hormones, making him angry one minute and tearful the next. Sirius wasn't helping. 'He's taken responsibility for what he did, he's going to be a good father!'
'Oh yeah, great,' Sirius said sarcastically as Tonks took the baby from him. Remus looked like he was going to interfere but the Animagus continued. 'Just look at that son of his; manipulative, evil, just like him.'
'Draco's made mistakes, but he's moving on!' Harry said. The plates and goblets began to shake and Remus reached out.
'Harry, calm down.'
'No!' Harry shouted. 'Lucius has been nothing but good to me since he found out!'
'Yeah, just because he wants to get his reputation back,' Sirius sneered. Harry stood angrily, chair toppling back, and Sirius stood too. 'He's using you! He doesn't care about the baby or you!'
'Shut up!' Harry shouted. 'He does, he wants this baby!'
'No he doesn't!' Sirius said equally loudly.
'Sirius, sit down!' Remus tried.
'Why him?' Sirius demanded. 'I get that you were confused, maybe a little drunk, but honestly, you couldn't find anyone else to fuck you in a cleaning closet?' Sirius asked. 'Even Draco would have been better!'
'Shut up!' Harry screamed again and a pitcher of iced water exploded.
'Harry, please,' Remus begged as Tonks backed away. The lights were flickering on and off and Harry was shaking. 'You have to understand where Sirius is coming from,' he said, 'this is all just so hard to take in.'
'How do you think I feel?' Harry demanded. 'I'm eighteen! I slept with a guy twenty years older then me and broke up a family! Do you think this is easy for me?'
He'd been feeling tense all day, especially with how Sirius was acting, and felt all his emotions finally pour out.
'Half the Weasleys hate my, my godfather can barely look at me, and soon I'll be all over the goddamn papers again! I never wanted this but I'm trying to make the best of it!' the teenager continued angrily.
'Am I annoyed that I went and got knocked up to someone I don't love? Yes, of course I am. But Lucius has been nothing but nice about it. We've both accepted our responsibilities and we're going to raise this baby together. Would you people just get off my back! I'm so sick of being judged for everything! I fucked up, I get it, just stop throwing it in my face!'
He ran from the kitchen, storming upstairs and into his room. The door slammed shut behind him and Harry felt a locking charm go up.
He threw himself onto his bed, grabbed his pillow, and cried.
Harry supposed this was a long time coming. He'd been so focused on getting his life together that he hadn't had time to really cry about what had happened. He had accepted that he was going to be a father, that he'd cheated on Ginny and all that...
... but he hadn't really had a good breakdown about it all.
So he did just that. He screamed and cried and hurled his pillow against the wall. Lamps exploded and the window shook, the panes of glass threatening to break free. Remus and the others knocked on the door, tried to get it open, but Harry wouldn't let them in.
'Why me?' he cried out, slamming his fists into the mattress. 'Why can't I ever be normal? Why can't I have a normal relationship with anyone?'
His dresser went flying across the room and smashed into the wall, spilling clothes all over the place. Fresh tears coated Harry's cheeks and he pushed his face into the mattress.
There was another knock on the door and Harry shouted, 'Go away!'
'Harry,' came the smooth voice of Lucius Malfoy.
Harry sniffed. 'What do you want?'
'Can I come in?' Lucius asked. 'Please?'
The door clicked open and Harry sat up, twisting around on the bed. Lucius quickly crossed the room and sat beside him.
'Harry-' he began, only to be cut off when the teenager threw himself into the blonde's arms.
Lucius looked down at Harry in surprise before wrapping his arms around the Gryffindor and pulling him onto his lap.
'What's wrong?' Lucius asked.
Harry sobbed into his shoulder, body shaking and face wet with tears.
'Why can't anything in m-my life be easy?' Harry demanded. 'Why does this a-always happen to m-me?'
Lucius realized the boy was having a breakdown about the pregnancy. 'I thought you would have got this out of your system already,' he said.
Harry shook his head against Lucius' chest. 'I've b-been so b-busy having checkups and g-getting my school work in o-order and trying to d-deal with S-Sirius and... and everyone e-else,' he choked out. He wailed suddenly and said, 'Lucius, I can't raise a baby! I'm just a kid, I'm not strong enough, what if I hurt him or ruin him?'
He cried harder and wrapped his arms tightly around Lucius' neck.
Lucius never thought he'd be in this position; comforting a hysterical and pregnant Harry Potter. He'd apparated right over after Remus Lupin had fire-called him to say Harry was blowing up his room.
He knew the boy's emotions were being twisted by his hormones, but also be genuine anger (about his godfather's stupid remarks) and fear. Lucius himself had worried that he'd wreck Draco, that he wouldn't be a good father. He was just surprised that he was the one Harry would let in.
'Harry,' he said softly and the teenager's sobs reduced to sniffs. 'I understand that you're worried; all first time parents feel this way. You're scared you won't be good enough to raise our son, yes?'
Harry nodded.
'I felt the same way when Narcissa was pregnant with Draco. I wondered if I'd be strong enough, if I'd mess up, if Draco would hate me. But at the end of the day you have to pull yourself together. You're about to be a parent, you're responsible for another human life.
'Is it scary? Yes, of course it is. Raising a child is the greatest thing you can ever do with your life. But you have to realise that you will make mistakes, nobody's perfect after all...' he trailed off and smiled. 'Besides me, of course.'
Harry choked out a laugh and Lucius rubbed his back.
'Harry, I understand that you're scared,' Lucius said. 'You're so young and this pregnancy... we both know what that night was.' Harry nodded slightly. 'But how the baby was conceived won't change anything. We will love him, care for him, and raise him. Remember that I've been through all of this before; I know what to do. You're not alone in this, Harry.'
'I've always been alone,' the teenager sniffed, rubbing his eyes. 'All the time, I've always had to do things by myself. I had to live with the Dursleys, I had to deal with the pressure of being the famous Harry Potter, and I always had to fight Voldemort.'
He whimpered again and Lucius' arms tightened around him.
'I don't want to be alone,' Harry whispered. 'I can't do this alone.'
'You won't be, you aren't,' Lucius said firmly.
'Sirius said... said you didn't care,' Harry cried. The blonde sighed. 'He s-said you were u-using me...'
'Harry-'
'Just tell me if you are,' Harry whimpered. 'Please, just t-tell me.'
'Harry, I'm not using you. Knocking up the Saviour isn't going to make the public like me.'
Harry sniffed.
'Your godfather is upset, no parent wants their teenager to end up in this situation,' Lucius continued. 'I understand he said some hurtful things?'
The teenager in his arms nodded.
'He's worried about you and scared,' Lucius said. 'He hates me because I'm the one who did this to you; I've changed your life forever. He'll calm down eventually and see that I really do care about you, Harry.'
'Y-You do?' Harry asked quietly.
'Of course, how could I not?' Lucius asked. 'You're carrying my child, you've given me a chance to be part of his life. You've handled this all so well, I respect you greatly.' He hugged Harry tighter, patting the Gryffindor's hair. Harry sighed and wriggled closer to him. 'I'm sorry things had to happen this way but I'll always be here for you,' Lucius told him. 'Whether that's as a friend, another parent, or a lover, I'll be here.'
Harry pulled back to look up at him. His bright green eyes were wide and red-rhimmed, tears streaked down his face. 'L-Lover?' he gaped.
Lucius smiled warmly. 'Harry, we already know that we're sexually compatible,' he said, 'and I remember Narcissa's needs during her pregnancy; she was willing to jump me, a gay man she's not particularly attracted to, just to get off.'
Harry turned bright red and Lucius chuckled.
'I'm not asking you to love me,' he continued softly. 'But it might happen, Harry. We'll have a child together, will always be in each other's lives. One day we could end up together.'
Harry nodded slowly. 'I guess...' he said. 'I mean... you're the one I can talk to about s-stuff. Sirius is too... erm...
'Gryffindor?' Lucius supplied.
Harry smiled slightly. 'Yeah. And everyone else... Hermione and Tonks are great but... they're not you,' Harry said and looked back up at him. 'I don't even know what that means.'
'Doesn't matter,' Lucius said. 'We'll take each day as it comes, Harry. If you're scared, or want to cry or hit something, I'll be here for you. It's not only my duty but I want to do it; I don't want you doubting yourself. You're a brave, smart, amazing man, and I want to help. I know we have a past, but I will be here for you, please believe that.'
Harry smiled slightly. 'I do, Lucius.'
'Really?'
The teenager pulled back to look up at him again. 'You're already here for me.' He smiled and rubbed his eyes before looking around at the room, at the destruction. 'Oh Gods.'
Lucius chuckled. 'You threw a bit of a tantrum.'
'I did not,' Harry pouted.
Lucius smiled and pulled Harry back down, rolling the teen until they were lying on the bed together.
'What are you doing?' Harry gasped as Lucius pulled him in.
'Comforting you,' Lucius answered, running a hand down Harry's back. 'Don't worry, I won't ravish you... yet.'
Harry giggled and let himself be pulled further into the blonde. He snuggled down and realized how nice it was; just being held, soothed, having someone take over so he could just think.
Harry was still scared, terrified that he'd screw up... but Lucius was right... Harry wasn't alone.
'Thank you,' he whispered, eyes drifting shut. He was asleep before Lucius could answer.