Written In The Stars
Jamie didn’t cut her hair. She just went off to college a couple of weeks after. Turns out it has a similar effect.
It’s funny her whole entire life she pictured herself living so close to her town forever, hell she never pictured herself leaving. When she chose a college she wasn’t sure what was calling her away from it. It’s not so far, only a couple hours drive, Effie does it almost every other weekend to go check up on her, and Regulus takes the drive with her most of the time. He could drive himself, and he has before, but he goes with her whenever she does. He’s always preferred to be a passenger than a driver. None of her friends followed her, she chose it on her own. It was only a backup really. She never planned on going, but she doesn’t know. There was something there. Something about getting away from everything. She was anxious about it for months. Wondering if she made the right choice. Wondering why she made the choice at all actually. Then well the party happened and all she wanted to do was get away. It was like it was a prophecy or something. She predicted it.
She spent most of her time over at Regulus’ or the diner before she left and her father never complained. He never asked to be with her before she moved away. Effie did, of course, she did, and she made Jamie hang out at the Inn with her almost every day at least for an hour or two. She didn’t want to miss out on any more time. They packed up her room together, and she took the rest of her old clothes and gave them to Regulus, packed in a little box, because she knew she had to. She didn’t want to take them with her. And she knew she’d wear them later anyway. She never liked wearing those clothes, but she loves wearing Regulus’ T-shirts, even if it’s the same exact thing.
She left the town and looked back while she did it. She didn’t stop looking back until she was on her own again, and then she called Regulus and made him stay on the phone with her for the first few hours. It got easier eventually though, bit by bit. Now it’s October and she can honestly say she’s happy with everything. She can say she can look in the mirror and just see herself. She’s not a jigsaw anymore, she’s Jamie—just Jamie.
The autumn leaves are beginning to fall again as October rolls on, and she’s driving through the town for the first time in two months. It’s the longest she’s ever been away, and yet it all looks the same. Whenever you go away you assume it’s all going to be different. That those few months will change everything and you won’t know what’s right or left, but Jamie knows everything. Nothing has changed here, that’s how small towns go.
“You want to go to the diner don’t you?” Effie asks.
Jamie bites the inside of her cheek, “No.”
Effie rolls her eyes with a smile of her own, she makes a right, “Alright but only for a little bit.”
“Sirius is home,” Jamie explains quickly. “I haven’t seen him.”
Of course, Sirius and Remus both picked a school in the completely opposite direction as her. Almost four hours if you really measure it out, and none of them have cars they’re not allowed to take them. Yet another reason why Jamie was uneasy about the move, but it’s all turned out right anyway. And Sirius FaceTimes her at random times of the day anyway, it’s like she never left.
“Tell him hi for me,” she says, parking right outside.
“You’re not coming in?” Jamie questions, stepping out.
Effie shrugs, “I’ll give you two some time.” She adds, “Plus your Dad’s back from his long trip I’m gonna help him unpack.”
A few weeks after Jamie left for school Monty left too. She’s still not exactly sure why, she’s tried not to ask. Well, she hasn’t spoken to him. Regulus says that’s good for her. Stepping away from him for a bit, and she can’t say it hasn’t been hard. There’s still that missing chunk in her heart. She still longs for his approval even after all of this. It doesn’t matter. She’s still her Dad, but she’s tried her hardest to step away. She’s tried to separate herself. She thought, hey, if her Dad really wanted her he’d reach out. She hasn’t gotten any calls. So there’s that.
Anyway, he left. Leaving Effie alone in the house, which Jamie is a little angry at him for. She knows it’s been hard on her, with her being away and everything changing. Monty should’ve been there for him, but he’s never been the best at that, Jamie guesses. He said it was for business, and maybe it was, it probably was, it just took a while. He’s been gone a month.
Jamie nods, not caring to ask questions, “I’ll meet you home.”
“Don’t be out too late,” Effie says, “You gotta get your sleep.”
Jamie rolls her eyes, “Stop acting like we have a shot.”
“You do have a shot!” Effie argues, as Jamie is shutting the door, “You gotta work on that confidence, babe!”
Jamie shakes her head as she walks over to the diner’s door, the little bell ringing as she steps inside. There’s an event going on this weekend, it’s why they’re all back. The annual 24-hour dance marathon, it’s a big thing. Everyone gets all dressed up in old-timey outfits and dances till their limbs fall off. It’s all for charity and they do it every year. Jamie went with Peter last year, they lasted five hours. Sirius went with Remus and didn’t even last one. The year before that it was Jamie and Sirius and together they got to ten, but couldn’t make it past that. This year, is different, Jamie’s going with Regulus, so she’s guessing it’ll be somewhere in the middle, or maybe they’ll get out as soon as they walk through the door. Either way, she’s been looking forward to it.
“Jamie!” Andy calls out from the counter, “If it isn’t my favorite customer.”
Jamie laughs, she’s missed this, this part of town anyway, the nice kind. She slides up the counter, “I missed you too.”
“You have to tell me everything,” Andy says, pouring a cup of coffee for her without her even asking. “Sirius gives me no information.”
“And Reg?” Jamie asks, taking a sip. She’s tried all the coffee they have on campus, but nothing is as good as this. Maybe it’s the nostalgia talking, but she swears it’s true.
Andy scoffs, “Please,” she says, “He tells me absolutely nothing.”
As if he called Regulus walks down the stairs, his eyes on his phone, before he looks up Jamie feels her back pocket vibrate. She bites her tongue.
“I get back and you don’t even say hi to me,” she calls out, “What kind of boyfriend are you?”
Regulus looks up, his eyes wide, “Jamie.”
“Hi,” Jamie’s cheeks hurt.
They saw each other last week.
But it’s different.
Regulus rushes over to her anyway, taking her into his arms and she lets him. She’ll let him do anything.
“You know you’re the only person I’ve ever seen him act like that for,” Andy says into her own coffee cup.
Regulus flips her off.
She only laughs and moves on, bringing coffee to the people flagging her down.
Regulus pulls away, acting as if he wasn’t just smiling a second ago, “Why didn’t you tell me you were here?”
“Surprise,” Jamie pouts.
Regulus shakes his head, “I hate surprises.”
“It’s better this way,” Jamie points out, “See now your all excited to see me,” she reaches out, poking his cheek, only for him to slap her hand away.
“You’re infuriating,” Regulus tells her.
“Love you too,” Jamie leans forward, kissing his cheek.
“Jamie!” Sirius runs out of the doorway, practically pushing Regulus aside to get to her. “You say hi to my brother before me?” He scoffs, wrapping his arms around her shoulders, “You asshole.”
Jamie shakes her head, “He came down first!”
“You should’ve run up to come get me,” Sirius argues, pulling away. He takes a second to look her over before he decides, “You look good.”
“Do I?” Jamie questions.
“Yeah, really good.”
“Stop flirting with my girlfriend.”
“I’m not—“ Sirius sighs, “I just mean you look happier than when I saw you last.”
Sirius doesn’t know anything. Jamie couldn’t tell him, not after everything. Just like she couldn’t tell her mom either. As far as anyone knows, besides Regulus, Jamie and her Dad are on perfectly good terms, and she’s just been busy and hasn’t answered his texts. It’s always his fault and never his, and she’s gotten used to that, or at least as used to it as she can. The point is Sirius doesn’t know, but it’s not as if she was very good at hiding it towards the end, but she moves on.
“You’ve seen me since I left,” Jamie points out.
“Not like this,” Sirius says, taking a seat next to her, “The camera distorts your face.”
“Oh does it?"
Sirius hums, “So you're happier then?”
“I’m happy,” Jamie answers, and she means it. She feels free. Her knuckles are no longer white holding onto something that was never really hers to hold onto to begin with.
Sirius pouts, “It’s because you’ve moved away from me now isn’t it?”
Jamie scoffs lightly, “That’s exactly it.”
After a beat, Sirius jumps off his school and says, “Remus is waiting upstairs. I think Peter should be coming in soon.”
Jamie follows him, “Yeah he says he hit traffic.”
“So he left late.”
“Exactly.”
When Jamie reaches the doorway she realizes Regulus isn’t following behind her, instead, he’s still waiting by the counter, “You coming?”
Regulus brushes it off, “You haven’t seen them in a while.”
“I haven’t seen you either,” Jamie pouts.
“In a week!”
“Too long,” Jamie walks back over to him, putting her arms around his waist, “I think you need to come up there with me. I’ll be all lonely.”
Regulus rolls his eyes, “You’re ridiculous.”
“Oh, I know,” Jamie drags her hands down to his to tug him over, “Now come on. I know we’re scary but it’s okay.”
“Oh, shut up,” Regulus grumbles, going up ahead of her.
⟡⟡⟡⟡
Being back home is a different kind of pain. Even just walking up the driveway is different. Regulus offered to walk her home, and even come inside with her, but she turned him down. She needs to do it by herself. She finds her Dad’s car in the driveway, a sight that used to paralyze her before, especially in the dress she’s wearing, but she doesn’t care this time. She walks right past it. The house is the exact same as she last left it, down to every picture hanging on the wall. Besides one of Jamie and Regulus Effie took while they were up at campus a few weeks ago, it joins all the others on the mantel.
Jamie walks passed it to her room to find her bag inside, but besides that, there’s almost nothing else. Only the few childhood things she didn’t take with her. Effie hasn’t touched the room since she’s been gone though, everything is exactly how she left it, everything looks new, and yet she’s known it all her life. She’s not really sure what to do with it honestly. She’s not sure what to do with herself. She moves the bag passed to sit on her bed and stare at her bookshelf, there are little stars painted over the sides of it. She got it when she was ten and they just moved into his house. She used to love to draw on the wood, and her Dad used to get mad at her for it, but never Effie. She let her do it, saying she needed to put all that creativity somewhere, and as long as Jamie knew it was permanent and only did it on her things she didn’t mind. She’s always been able to shut down Monty like that. No one stands in the way of Effie Potter, few have tried and they’ve all failed.
She’s about to take out her phone when her door creaks open, and that feeling sinks back into her chest. It’s not as bad as before, she can’t even feel the water on her anymore, but the air smells strangely salt.
“Hey,” Monty steps in sheepishly.
“Hi,” Jamie looks over at him, and he looks so much smaller than she remembered him being.
“Your mom went out to the store,” Monty says, scratching the back of his neck, “She wants to do a movie marathon tonight, we needed snacks.” '
Jamie nods, “I figured we would do something.”
“Right yeah.”
Jamie sighs, she used to hate this, and she still does but it doesn’t feel the same. Yeah, that voice is still in the back of her head, screaming at him to say something, for once in his life, but it doesn’t come out. It’s crickets. “Did you need something?”
“No, I just—“ Monty pauses, “Can’t I just come in here to talk to you?”
Jamie shrugs, “You never do this.”
“That’s not true,” Monty scoffs lightly.
“You haven’t in a while,” Jamie corrects.
“Right, that’s my fault,” Monty says, it’s not told as a joke this time, but weirdly enough it doesn’t feel any better.
Jamie nods, “Yeah.”
Monty looks away, he’s hurt, it circles around his eyes, “I’m trying here, Kid.”
Jamie feels empty, it spreads across her skin, “I see that.” He only looks at her, he’s not saying anything. She always thought it was his job to be the one good at talking. Isn’t that what a father is supposed to do? He’s supposed to be able to have the tough conversations. He’s supposed to be the older one. She looks away, back at the bookshelf dripping with the pictures of her youth.
“What do you want me to do?” Monty asks.
That’s the question. She’s wanted him to ask that question to her so many times over the last year. Her knees have turned blue from it, and yet now that she has it it’s lacking taste. She doesn’t care at all. She doesn’t want him to do anything. “ I just,” She pauses, “I just wish you liked me.”
It’s not a wish she thinks she’ll get. It’s not even one she’s asking for, it’s just the truth. It would be nice if her Dad could like her. A dream almost, painted in the hazy hues of adolescence.
“Of course, I love you,” he answers.
A sting, barely anything, like a pinprick. She looks over at him, “But do you like me?”
Monty stumbles, only for a second, “I want you to be the very best version of yourself you can be.”
She nods, “What if this is the best version?”
There’s still a hole in the middle of her chest. She knows it’ll never close. Skin will cover the weathered chest, but it’ll never remove the chunk of her heart that was ripped out in July. It’ll never erase the bruised knees and failing breath. Monty doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t argue against it. He doesn’t reassure her that there’s better out there. He doesn’t tell her she can go more good.
She sighs, and it’s the outpouring tide, “I needed you, and you weren’t there.” She says, her voice somehow steady, after all of this. “I finally figured out who I am, and you don’t like me anymore.”
“It’s just different,” Monty says. “You’re different from who I remember.”
“I’ve always been your daughter, Dad,” Jamie tells her.
He falters, “No, I know.”
“I don’t think you do,” Jamie tells him, after all of this her chest still hurts, and a little part of herself still wants to cut herself up just to find that better version he’s talking about.
He takes a deep breath, “I know you’re my daughter, Jamie.”
It’s the first time he’s said it, and it’s still so laborious, it shouldn’t be. “Then why is it so hard for you to say it?” Jamie questions.
He doesn’t have any answers for her. She doesn’t have anything for him either.
The front door creaks open, “I’m home!” Effie’s voice travels through the crack in the door, “I brought pizza!”
Jamie looks over at her father one last time, and he’s not looking back at her. She’s not sure what she expected. Things have never gotten better. With a sigh, she stands and walks from the door without looking back. Some things aren’t worth looking back for.
“What’s the movie?” She asks as she reaches the living room, tucking herself onto the couch and pulling one of the blankets from the back of the couch.
“I’ve got options!” Effie puts everything down, before settling down with her, “Every time I thought I saw something good I wrote it down and refused to watch it if you weren’t there with me.”
Jamie doesn’t wait for her dad to join them, she reaches over to pick up the remote, “What’s first?”
⟡⟡⟡⟡
“It’s so early,” Regulus grumbles, hiding his face in Jamie’s shoulder.
Jamie just laughs at him, keeping them walking straight towards the school. “Yeah, it’s a little early.
“No sun.”
“Well, the sun's not up yet,” Jamie kisses the top of his head. The dance marathon starts at seven am, but they have a lot of things to go through before. There are physicals and everything, stuff everyone has to do if they wanna get in even if they’re in perfect health. With that and getting all dressed up they had to get up very early for this. And yeah, maybe Jamie left that part out when asking Regulus to be her date for this.
“I hate you,” Regulus grumbles, sitting up as they reach the check-in counter.
“Don’t worry, you’ll really be loving me when we’re on hour ten of this thing,” Jamie tells him.
Regulus scoffs, leaning down to sign his name, “We are not making it to hour ten of this thing.”
“Have a little faith in us,” Jamie tells him, walking off to the dance studio as soon as he’s done.
“I’m in this to beat Sirius and then I’m out of there,” Regulus says.
Jamie pouts, “But I’ve never won one of these things.”
“I am not getting jet lag for this stupid town,” Regulus argues.
“But wouldn’t you get jet lag for me,” Jamie asks, making her eyes all wide.
Regulus shakes his head, walking up the stairs to the tables. The physicals don’t take very long, it’s all the basic stuff, but they don’t want anyone passing out. Well… they don’t want a lot of people passing out anyway. With how much time they have to be awake for it’s pretty impossible for no one to pass out, but they have the measures so it’s harder for people to actually get mad at them. They’re one of the first ones in, so they’re one of the first ones at the gym. McGonagall stands on the stage, with her megaphone prepped and ready, Jamie waves at her as they walk towards Andy with the coffee. She never participates, at least she hasn’t in all the years Jamie has, but she’s always around cheering everyone on.
“Please tell me you have some,” Regulus says as he walks up to her.
“For the general public no,” Andy answers, pulling out a thermos from behind her she adds, “But for you two of course.” Regulus takes it first, looking around as he takes a sip. “If you see Sirius and Remus anywhere let them know I have one for them too.”
Regulus hands it over to Jamie as he says, “Can we just have his too? I’ll give it to him.”
“Uh huh,” Andy says, “I can trust that.” After a beat, she adds, “So how long do you think you’re staying in?”
“The full 24-hours.”
“With me?” Regulus questions.
“Who else would it be with?” Jamie smiles.
Regulus shakes his head, “We’ll stay in for at least three hours.”
“We can do better than that,” Jamie argues.
“You’re in heels,” Regulus points out.
“I can stand in heels for longer than three hours!”
Regulus gives her a pointed look, “Alright.”
“I can!”
Before the arguing can continue Sirius and Remus are bouncing over. Sirius way too energetic for this early in the morning, not that Jamie is any different. It’s how they carried it so far in their year together doing this. The only reason they lost was because Jamie accidentally twisted her ankle and was told not to dance on it. She probably still would have if McGonagall hadn’t forced her off the floor. She’s always determined to win it just never works out for her. It won’t work out for her either this year, she knows that much, but she’s okay with that. That doesn’t mean she won’t be very competitive until they tap out though.
They don’t have that much longer before Effie is walking over to her. She’s dancing, but with Monty so they’ve never won. Their longest was seventeen hours, but even that wasn’t enough to make it in the end. “You snuck out before I could see you,” she says quickly, pulling Jamie out of the group to look at her. “You’re beautiful as always.”
Jamie rolls her eyes, “Thank you.”
“Well, it’s all my genes,” Effie jokes, “You should be thanking me.”
Monty creeps up behind her, he doesn’t say anything, his hands in his pockets. Jamie’s eyes are still dragged over to him, but only for a moment, before her Mom’s her focus again. “This is gonna be our year I can feel it.”
“We’re on opposing teams,” Jamie points out.
“Doesn’t matter,” Effie says, “If one of us wins we both win.”
Jamie looks over at Sirius who’s currently hitting Sirius over the head for trying to take a sip from their thermos. “I don’t think I’m getting close to winning this year.”
“Oh I don’t know,” Effie says, “You can crack him. You’re just that powerful.”
“Everyone on the floor!” McGonagall’s voice breaks over the room, “We’re starting in three minutes, everyone!”
“Oh,” Effie jumps up, “I need my number, give me a second!”
Jamie watches as she runs over to the table, grabbing their two number. Monty doesn’t follow her, he’s still looking over at Jamie. She looks at him now, he looks the same as he’s always looked. He’s still her father, after everything. “You look nice,” he forces out.
She forces a smile, “Thanks.” It sounds empty. It all does.
“Come on,” Regulus appears beside her, dragging her out to the floor.
“What happened to you not caring about this,” Jamie laughs tripping over her feet to meet him in the center of the room. Without Regulus even replying Jamie has the answer, “Sirius got to you didn’t he?”
“He thinks he’s going to win!” Regulus explains, looking over at his brother he shouts, “He’s going down!”
Jamie shakes her head, “We’ve got this.”
Regulus looks back over, something passing over his face, an emotion she can’t place, “Have you talked to your Dad since you got back?”
Jamie looks over to find him in the crowd, he’s on the entire other side of the room helping Effie put her number on her back. It’s such a sweet moment, it’s so simple. It’s got claws too. She looks back over to Regulus instead, “Nothing is different.”
A whine breaks through the back of his chest, “I’m sorry.”
Jamie shrugs, the gentle ache wracking her chest, “I can’t force him to love me.”
“He doesn’t deserve you,” Regulus tells her.
She drops her forehead down on his, closing her eyes around it. She still misses him, the father she used to have, the one she used to know. If she thinks about it too much she spirals, and she’s not sure that’ll ever go away. She thinks she’s stuck with it forever. She’s spent most of her life with a father who loved her, and now she has to live with one that doesn’t. She always thought it was impossible before. She thought she’d die without his love, and hell, maybe she has. He’s never going to force her to change, but she’s never going to change either.
She opens her eyes again, pulling away, “I can’t change him. It’s over. It’s done.”
“I’m proud of you,” Regulus tells her.
She shakes her head, “I’m not doing anything.”
“You’re doing so much,” Regulus tells her, “And I love you.”
Her heart's exploding in her chest, she can feel it. “I love you too.
“Alright everyone to your places!” McGonagall’s voice echoes through the gymnasium. “Let the 75th annual 24-Dance Marathon Begin!”