Chapter 15
Winter holidays were quickly approaching, and Regulus was not looking forward to it at all.
Usually over the break, he’s forced to go to France and visit family he’d prefer to never see again. It used to be much more tolerable when he was a child, but he wasn’t forced to talk up future business partners back then, nor was he actually obligated to be at shitty company parties. That all changed when he was fifteen for obvious reasons.
He remembers the whispers that year; the gossip surrounding the Black family was strong seeing as they hadn’t shown up the year prior and were now showing up with a new heir and a missing son. It was difficult for him to not scream at the top of his lungs every time his parents pretended they never had another son. Sirius wasn’t an easy person to erase, but they somehow managed it, and the topic had been off of everyone’s tongues by the end of the night.
He knows that this year will be dreadful, because he’s almost old enough to legally marry, which means wealthy people willing to sell their daughters like meat on a hook will be kissing his ass. He had seen his cousins go through it, and he remembers having to comfort Narcissa even as a child, because her fate had been sealed. It makes him sick to even think about.
Sirius, of course, had invited him to stay at his new apartment over the break, and as tempting as it was, he knew it would be stupid. His parents would be seething, especially if they had known where he had gone to, and that wouldn’t make for an amazing home life after the holiday was over. Still, incredibly tempting, especially when James had asked him to stay as well.
Oh, James.
He had been lovely the past month, not asking further questions about what they were whenever they would hang out with one another. Most weekends, Regulus would go to Remus’, then go to the Potter’s from there, so he would at least give the illusion of being at his friend’s house. It was a much easier stay after Sirius moved out, because there weren’t judging eyes following him whenever he would walk into the kitchen to talk with Effie and Monty.
James did have a few slip ups, though, because James Potter is an affectionate lover if nothing else. It was mostly during school hours, where he would walk up and place a quick kiss on the top of Regulus’ head during lunch hour, or stare at him longingly during writing club. Oddly enough, Regulus didn’t mind as much as he thought he would. Then again, they had yet to be caught.
Now, he was sitting in Barty’s bedroom on his beanbag chair, which had been pushed to the side a bit since the last time he had been here. Evan and Pandora were also here, and this time they had two new guests involved in their hangout. One being the boy of the hour, James Potter, because he had asked Barty to give him a tattoo, and from there he was invited to come over next time their small group got together.
The second guest was Lily Evans.
That’s right, she had moved up from sitting at the lunch table to hanging out with everyone. As previously stated, Regulus doesn’t mind Lily. In fact, he’s kind of in awe of her, seeing as she runs three clubs and still gets top marks in almost all of her classes. It’s different right now, though, because James is here. James is here with him and he’s talking to her. That’s the issue at hand.
Pandora seemed to be the same amount of cautious when it came to Lily and James, which made sense, because Pandora had recently announced that she and the redhead were dating. She was much better at pretending to be calm about it, because that’s just how Pandora is, but she’s also slightly possessive when you get to know her. Regulus remembers the glares Pandora used to shoot at Barty when he and Evan started dating.
“I’m glad he and Sirius are doing well,” Lily smiles brightly. “It only took them, what, four years?”
“Just about, yeah,” James lets out a light laugh from where he’s laying on his back on top of Barty’s bed. He hadn’t told Regulus what he was getting done, but now he can see that it’s something on his hip bones, which means the boy is completely shirtless, dark skin wrapped around tight muscles on full display. Regulus resists the urge to bite him.
“I mean, who could even put themselves through something like that? Just fucking for fun, you know? It seems miserable,” Lily’s words are spoken with a sigh, and Regulus feels himself freeze, something cold dripping down his spine. Everyone else seemingly freezes for a second, too, and James’ eyes glance over to him.
“Well–”
“Like, what’s even the point? Just be together! Don’t be pussies about it!” Lily lets out a small laugh, and James does the same, though his comes out much more awkward. “What is there to be afraid–”
“I’m going to get some water,” Regulus cuts her off, standing up before she can finish her statement. He doesn’t mean to sound as annoyed as he does, but how could he be anything but that? James’ ex just called him a pussy–very indirectly, but still.
“Reg–”
He’s out the door before James can say anything else. He just needs a drink of water, and he’ll be fine. A drink of water. All he needs is that, a drink of water. Water.
He takes a sip, not quite remembering filling up the glass, but choosing not to focus on it. He’s nothing like his brother. He’ll never be what his brother is. Nothing about him is anything like his brother.
A drink of water. A sip.
Everything’s fine with him and James. They’re happy. They’re comfortable. He’s happy doing what he’s doing. He has James. He has him to himself. He’s happy.
A drink of water.
Him and Sirius are complete opposites, and he would never make the same mistakes. He’s nothing like his brother. His mother loves him, really, she does. Everything she does is for him. He’s nothing like Sirius, not really.
A drink.
What he and James have is nothing like what Sirius and Remus were going through. James and Regulus talked about it, so it’s completely different. They’ve talked. They talk about it, honestly. They’re honest. They’re honest about–
Water. Sip. Drink. Water.
Sip.
Drink.
Water.
Sip.
Drink.
Water.
Sip.
Touch.
Regulus jumps when he feels the hand on his shoulder. It’s much heavier than hands should be, and he can’t shake the sight of his mother.
“Reg–”
Oh, that’s not his mother. She only calls him by his full name. Never anything nice. Same as Sirius. He and Sirius are different, though. His mother loves him. They are different.
“Regulus, amor,” a soothing voice. A warm voice. Warm and bright and soft. “Hey, breathe, okay?”
Sip.
Drink.
Water.
Breathe.
Sip.
Drink.
Breathe.
Water.
Breathe.
Sip.
Breathe.
Drink.
Breathe.
Water.
Breathe.
“Just like that.” Warmth along his back, tight arms around his front.
“I’m nothing like him,” Regulus reassures himself, not knowing if he’s speaking aloud or not. It doesn’t matter. He’s nothing like Sirius. His mother loves him. “She loves me. I’m nothing like him, I promise.”
Silence.
Sip.
Drink.
Water.
“Regulus–”
“She does love me, my mother. Everything she does is for me. I’m nothing like Sirius, and that’s why she loves me. I’m nothing like him,” he continues to blabber, and he can’t decide if it’s that or the relaxing squeeze of his body that’s calming him down.
“You’re nothing like him, Reg,” the sun is back. Brightness. His chest feels so much lighter, and his eyes burn. Oh, the sun. “You’re nothing like him, okay?”
“She loves me, that’s why,” Regulus nods, agreeing with whoever is speaking to him. Everything smells happy, because this is the sun. Oh, the sun. “She does, really.”
“I know, love,” he agrees, the sun. The sun agrees with him, and isn’t that just amazing? He must be right, then. He feels the arms around him shift the slightest and his chest grows heavy again, his hand grabbing whoever’s holding onto him.
“Don’t leave, please,” Regulus only notices now that he’s crying, and why is he so pathetic? What would his mother say? “Please.”
“I’m not, don’t worry. I’m just–” Regulus closes his eyes shut tight right as he’s turned around. He doesn’t want anyone to see how ugly his eyes get when he cries. “Look at me, love.”
Regulus shakes his head, feeling a sob rack his body as he goes to grip some sort of fabric, only to discover that there isn’t any. He just squeezes warm shoulders instead.
“Please? Just look at me,” the voice is quiet, and soft. Something Regulus is now used to hearing on lazy weekend mornings. Something so incredibly comforting to him even now. Trusting the voice wholeheartedly, he opens his eyes, and is met with the sun. James.
“James,” the name comes out as a sob and Regulus feels himself crumble, leaning forward and letting himself be swallowed whole by James’ arms. Strong hands card through his hair and sweet nothings are whispered into his ear. He feels a few soft kisses be pressed along the side of his face. It’s so nice to be comforted by James.
“I’m starting to think I just make you cry,” James jokes after a while, when Regulus has no more tears to spill and is a mess of stuttering breaths and swollen eyes, still being held together by strong arms.
Regulus shakes his head, letting out a small laugh, then a sniff before pulling back the slightest. He just needs to see his face. He’s somewhat embarrassed that James Potter has now seen him cry three times.
“Oh, there you are,” James says softly, lifting one of his hands to wipe tears from Regulus’ face, and the urge to cry comes back, but is pushed down.
“I’m so sorry, Jamie,” Regulus feels his mouth wobble and absolutely not. His head already hurts from the amount of strain his eyes just experienced. “I didn’t mean to freak out like that. Just forget about all of it, please.”
James looks down at him, his eyebrows furrowed, and a hint of sadness smeared across beautiful hazel. “You don’t need to apologize, Reg. Never apologize for something like that. It’s okay to be upset.”
“It was such a stupid thing to be upset over, though,” another stuttering inhale. “And the things I said, oh my God. Ignore everything I said during that little episode.”
James is quiet, a concerned furrow between his brows that Regulus wants to smooth, because he’s the one who put that look on his face. It’s not fair that James is expressing concern for Regulus. Regulus, who is fine, really. Sirius needs more care than he does.
Regulus remembers being jealous that Sirius had found friends to confide in, because they had only ever confided in each other. Sirius had people and Regulus had no one. Sure, Barty was there, but he wasn’t Sirius. Hell, not even Remus could live up to that role.
Now that he has what Sirius had, it feels odd. Almost like there’s a spotlight on him and he’s digging his fingers into his chest and cracking it open, all for James Potter to look inside and examine him. He thinks he’d rather do that than truly be vulnerable, yet here he is; organs still intact and freshly broken down.
“Do you want to leave?” James asks gently. “We don’t have to stay here, Reg. We can go back to my house and give you more time to calm down.”
“No, go get the rest of your tattoo done,” Regulus sniffs, a gross attempt to clear his nose. “I’m properly embarrassed, so I’m going to go hang out with Sirius to make me feel less embarrassed.”
James laughs, playfully rolling his eyes but planting a kiss on Regulus’ cheek nonetheless. “Okay, I’ll send you a picture when it’s finished. Any chance I’ll be seeing you again later?”
“Depends on how good that picture is.”
—
“I cannot believe Lily would talk about us that way!” Sirius places a hand on his chest, letting a dramatic huff of air that caused Remus to roll his eyes.
“I can,” the taller of the two stated, a smug look on his face. “You were pretty avoidant when it came to emotions.”
“Doesn’t give Lily the right to–!”
“No, this isn’t a Lily Evans hate party, Sirius,” Regulus stopped his brother before he said something he regretted. “This is a Regulus Black hate party.”
“Oh, well, that I can definitely do,” Remus shifts on the couch, now leaning away from Sirius and facing Regulus wholly.
“I will fight you,” Regulus sticks his pointer finger up, straightening his scrunched posture on the lounging chair he’s sat on.
Of course, when he had called Sirius and asked him to pick him up, they went to his flat, where Remus was making tea in the kitchen. Earl Grey, Regulus’ favorite.
He shouldn’t have been shocked by this, because now that Sirius has his own place of living, he and Remus are practically attached by the hip. At this point, Regulus wouldn’t be shocked if Remus was living here full-time by Christmas. He has always hated being stuck in a big, empty house, so it would only make sense for him to want to live somewhere much cozier. Sirius was a bonus, it seems.
His apartment was very nice, but not so nice that it seemed snobby. It felt lived-in, despite Sirius not even having lived there for a month. He always had found a way to make a house feel like home, though, so it made sense.
It had two bedrooms and two bathrooms, which Sirius had said was for when James finally decided to move in(Regulus doesn’t think too much about how his chest tightens at that statement). Attached to the living room was a small balcony, or the ‘designated smoking area,’ as Remus had described it. The kitchen was fairly sized, with enough counter space for Regulus to jump up and sit down while two or three other people walked around. They also had just enough room for a four-seater dining table.
It was nice.
Comfortable.
“She sort of has a point, Regulus. Why are you doing this, not only to yourself, but to James?” Remus asks, hand raising when Sirius looks like he’s about to intervene. This works, shockingly, and now Regulus has earned a pointed look from his best friend, encouraging him to explain.
“You know why, Remus,” Regulus glares. “We’ve had this conversation at least a million times.”
“I get you’re scared, Reg, but if you’re going to do this whole ‘no strings attached’ thing, then you can’t get angry when someone complains about it,” Remus glances at Sirius, who just crosses his arms and leans into the back of the couch.
“I know, I didn’t mean to get angry,” Regulus also leans backward into the chair cushion, but props a knee up to sit under his chin. “I don’t think I was angry. I just sort of…freaked out, I guess. Not on Lily, though!”
“How many times has James seen you cry now?” Sirius has a teasing tone laced in his voice, and Regulus wants to throw something at him.
“About as many times as you’ve passed a test,” Regulus shot back, and Sirius actually did throw something at him. He was about to throw something back, but Remus’ voice stopped him from doing so.
“Do you even want to be with James, Reg?”
And Regulus freezes. He can’t move, because can his best friend really not tell? The person who knows him better than any other, and not even he can tell that Regulus wants nothing more than to officially be with James Potter? How does this all come off to James, then? Does James also think Regulus doesn’t want to be with him?
Not again.
He won’t spiral again, not in front of Remus and Sirius.
He opens his mouth to answer, but words don’t come out. He realizes this probably isn’t helping his case, but he cannot force a single sound out of himself at the moment. The thought of James not realizing how badly Regulus wanted them to be them makes his chest clench, and he thinks he might throw up.
“Moony, I love you dearly, but are you fucking stupid?” Sirius takes both of them off guard, and Regulus can’t help it if his eyes widen a little. “Of course Reg wants to be with James, you asshole. He just has shit he needs to work out first. If he had no interest in a real relationship, then he wouldn’t bother with any of this.”
The room is silent apart from the angry huff of breath Sirius releases. Regulus looks over at Remus, who also appears to be in shock from the boy’s outburst.
“I didn’t mean to–”
Regulus’ phone buzzing cuts his best friend off, which he’s somewhat thankful for. The last thing he needs right now is for his best friend and brother to fight, let alone in front of him. That would likely unlock some sort of memory that he won’t ever be ready to confront.
He picks it up, seeing that it's a notification from James and sliding it open without a second thought. This was, admittedly, his mistake seeing how he knew what kind of picture he was meant to be receiving from the boy. He sees the photo and instantly gapes, his eyes widening and his heart quickening in pace.
The photo is of James’ lower torso, where his muscular hips stick out right above the top of his jeans. Along the defined line that led down below that upper hem were two tattoos, identical to each other. A filled in antler lined each of James Potter’s hip bones, and Regulus couldn’t help it if his mouth watered a little.
“Everything okay, Reg?” Sirius asks, concern lacing his voice.
“I need one of you to drive me to James’ place immediately,” Regulus said, standing up from his spot on the plush chair, the blanket that was previously covering his legs falling to the floor.
“You are so fucking disgusting.”