Chapter Thirteen
It’s sometime before noon when Regulus wakes up, the soothing warmth of a strong arm wrapped around his middle wanting him to close his eyes and fall back asleep all over again. He doesn’t, though, because he knows that he can’t stay here. Whoever he had in this bed with him would want to talk about it and–
A low, tired groan cuts his thought process off completely, and his eyes widen the slightest as he remembers exactly who he was in bed with. Oh fuck, oh fuck, ohfuckohfuckohfuckohFUCK. He shifts the slightest, only to bite back his own groan when he realizes just how sore he is. This is insane. What was he thinking?
Regulus wasn’t lying when he said he wasn’t drunk last night, he really was just tipsy, because he does know how to handle his alcohol. So, it doesn’t shock him that the memories of last night suddenly replay in his mind, each one as crystal clear as the next. Oh, that was actually crazy. Sirius is going to kill him.
“We can just have each other like this. That’s okay.”
“No fucking way,” Regulus accidentally says aloud this time, panicking a bit when he feels James start to stir behind him. To his relief, they are both fully clothed. He remembers James having handed him a pair of pajamas after they showered.
“Reg?” James mumbles against the back of Regulus’ neck, sending shivers down the boy’s spine.
“I just need to use the restroom,” Regulus responds, his voice low. He has a churning feeling in his gut that is telling him to leave as fast as he can.
“M’kay, love,” James’ tone is still laced with sleep, and Regulus can feel the lazy grin pressed against his skin before the arm around him is lifted and he’s free to move again. As he slides out from under the covers, he watches a shirtless James with focused eyes, observing the way his muscles move as he turns to lay on his other side. “Don’t be too long.”
Regulus wants to cry, because this is bad. Terrible, actually. A situation like this with James is impossible, because there’s always been strings attached. As it turns out, there’s strings attached from both ends . That part, Regulus refuses to process, because that will actually send him into a spiral.
Despite his panic, Regulus can’t exactly say he regrets his alcohol-induced decision. Because it’s James Potter .
Thinking about it, this is probably the closest Regulus will get to what he really wants with James. His spotlight in the public because of who his parents are wouldn’t allow for a secret relationship, which means whatever they were deciding to do was the best outcome between them. This way, he gets to at least have James Potter some of the time, though he’ll never get to experience what it’s like to be his boyfriend. This is insane.
After washing his hands, Regulus stands in front of the bathroom mirror, supported by the porcelain sink as he stares at himself in the mirror. His short curls, usually so refined, are flying every which way as a consequence of sleeping with wet hair. His neck, usually so blank and white he sometimes wonders if he’s made from porcelain, is covered with violet blemishes blooming up from his exposed collarbones. He’ll later find more scattered across his body, some more hidden than others. He’s a mess.
Without a second thought, he rushes out of the bathroom and carefully collects his things from James’ room; his phone, his shoes, his boots, and the costume he had ended up throwing all over the floor last night. After he’s done, he stares at James, wondering if he should say something before leaving.
A part of him says yes, because it’s James, and he’s so sweet, and he deserves so much better than a wordless goodbye.
A part of him says no, because it’s James, and he will absolutely want to talk about it, and Regulus couldn’t handle that at the moment.
He ends up writing a note and leaving it on James’ computer desk.
Afterwards, he makes his way to Sirius’ room, knowing that’s where his best friend would be. Whether he would be asleep or not, Regulus doesn’t know, but he’s hoping not. He doesn’t want to accidentally wake his brother and send him into a fit of fury because of his poor decision making.
Slowly creaking the door open, Regulus peeks in. Sirius lays in his bed, his eyes closed and his shoulders falling at a slow, steady pace. Next to him, on the left side of the bed, Remus is sitting with his back against the headboard, his legs crossed and a book in his hand. From here, Regulus can’t see which one it is, but Remus is writing small notes on the sides of the pages, so it must be new.
At the small sound, Remus’ head snaps in the direction of the doorway, and Regulus makes eye contact. He suddenly feels sick, because he knows that he’s about to get scolded into next Tuesday, but he has to talk with someone about this all. He could talk to Barty and Evan, but they would likely make fun of him more than anything.
“Reg, you okay?” Remus asks, folding the top corner of his page down and sitting up straight. “I thought you went home with Ev and B.”
“Can we go get coffee, please?” Regulus asks, keeping his voice low so as to not wake Sirius up.
“Yeah, let me just grab my keys real quick,” Remus nods, shuffling out of bed.
When they’re sitting in the car, it’s initially in silence except for the music playing softly through the speakers. Regulus doesn’t know what to do. Doesn’t know what to say. Doesn’t know how to start a conversation that he knows will go badly. He’s talked to Remus about other people he’s slept with before, of course, but never about someone he slept with who also happens to be his crush of nearly six years.
He knows how Remus will react. He’s going to be annoyed, and he’s going to tell Regulus that he’s stupid. Regulus already knows this information, and those exact words have been replaying in his head from the moment he woke up wrapped up in maroon cotton sheets. So, really, what could Remus say that he hasn’t already told himself ten times over?
“I hate it when you’re overthinking. Just talk to me,” Remus blurts, breaking the silence. Regulus realizes they have been driving for about twenty minutes now, which means they’re going to the coffee shop in town. His favorite.
“I did something really dumb, Remus,” Regulus sighs, rubbing his face with both of his hands. “I don’t regret it, either, which makes me a terrible person, I think.”
“What the hell did you do?” Remus raises an eyebrow, sending a short glance Regulus’ way. This is all crazy.
“I slept with James,” Regulus says before he can think about it properly. Remus’ face lights up with joy, and it doesn’t take long for Regulus to realize that he misunderstood. “I slept with James, and we agreed to not be in a relationship.”
Remus’ face falls and his jaw clenches. His look thoroughly unimpressed and annoyed, and Regulus waits. Waits for him to say anything. For him to confirm what Regulus knows is going to happen. Just waiting–
“Are you kidding me, Reg?” Remus sighs, and this is somehow so much worse. This is an expression that Regulus was used to seeing painted on his parent’s face. A tone that he used to get all the time when he was younger. This was disappointment.
“I know. I know I’m stupid, and I know that it was–”
“You don’t even regret it?” Remus asks, though the question seems a bit rhetorical. Regulus shakes his head, anyway. “Regulus Arcturus–”
“Don’t you dare,” Regulus cuts him off. “You played this game for years with Sirius. I just want to have him for a little bit before I lose the chance to do so.”
“Why can’t you just date him like a normal person?” Remus quizzes, and Regulus just scoffs. Because surely Remus knows that he would love nothing more than to date James like a normal person. The problem is, he isn’t a normal person.
“People would catch wind of it quickly, and then mother would hear of it, and then I’d most likely either be disowned or killed,” Regulus explains, playing with the hem of his–James’–shirt.
“Why don’t you just leave, Regulus? Leave that house, be with James,” Remus’ voice softens when he says the next bit, “be happy .”
“It’s not that simple,” Regulus crosses his arms, bringing his knees to his chest.
“Why? You’re afraid of being like Sirius? There’s no reason for you to be afraid of that anymore, Reg! Sirius is–”
“Sirius is covered with both emotional and physical scars from the night he left, Remus,” Regulus cuts him off, because of course he wouldn’t get it. Regulus would be confused if he did. Remus’ mouth shuts so fast that his teeth make a sound. “I’m afraid of my parents, and I’ve seen what they do to their children that want to be free. I was forced to see what would happen if I had ever decided to disobey them like that. So, pardon me for being fucking afraid of them!”
Remus is quiet, so Regulus continues.
“I’m sure Sirius has told you about that night, but he doesn’t know what happened to me after he left. I wasn’t allowed out of the dark room for nearly a week, even through Christmas. I was punished because he left, and he had called me a coward for refusing to go with him once the holiday was over. It was terrible, Remus,” Regulus has never opened up to anyone about this. Barty had only heard bits of pieces, because that’s the benefit of having friends with equally fucked up parents, but he hadn’t heard the full story.
Remus is quiet for a moment more, taking small glances at Regulus. By now, the two know what not to say when the other opens up. Apologies were an absolute no, because what the hell were they apologizing for? Speaking further on the subject was usually a no. Silence was better than the previous two options, but also wasn’t preferred because both boys had a tendency to overthink.
“Look at your fucking neck, Reg,” Remus spoke with an airy laugh. Regulus rolled his eyes.
“You should see the other guy.”
***
“What the hell happened to you, Prongs?” Sirius’ voice was loud, and that’s not something that James wanted to wake up to. “Did you fuck a vampire?”
“Pretty much,” James mumbled without thinking, tucking his head underneath his pillow. Usually he would be up and at ‘em, ready for a protein shake and a mile-long run. Today, though, he was exhausted and somewhat sore.
“Wait, what?” Sirius exclaimed, then James groaned as the pillow was lifted from his head. He wasn’t hungover, because he had only had one drink, but the lights still seemed to be far too bright. “You fucked someone? Like, in here?”
“No, Pads, in the sitting room in front of everyone,” James responded sarcastically. “Obviously in here.”
“Woah, attitude. Reg is really rubbing off on you,” Sirius said it innocently, because he didn’t know, but it still sent James into an instant coughing fit. He was definitely awake now. “You alright, mate?”
James looked up at Sirius, and how was he supposed to lie to him about this? What would he do? Would he freak out? He seemed pretty cool with them being together, but they weren’t technically together, were they? Just fuck buddies.
James suddenly feels sick.
“Prongs, who did you sleep with?” Sirius’ voice dropped a little, and his grip on the pillow grew tighter. “Answer wisely.”
Was there even a wise answer? If James said it was Regulus, then Sirius would most likely get angry, then cheerfully ask if they were together, then get angry all over again. If he said someone else, not only would he be throwing someone random under the bus, but his best friend would also think he was betraying Regulus. He was stuck.
“I really hate that you’re not answering a simple question,” Sirius’ eyes narrowed into a sharp glare, and the urge to be sick suddenly swirled around James’ stomach again.
“You have to promise not to be angry,” James moved himself to sit up completely, resting his back against the wall on the far right side of his bed.
“Oh my God, there’s more,” Sirius’ eyebrows furrowed. “You better give an answer quick or else I’m just going to assume you had sex with a fucking mosquito.”
James let out a deep sigh, closing his eyes tightly, that way he didn’t have to see Sirius’ reaction. “Well, Regulus–”
“I knew I should’ve taken Toxic off the party playlist!” Sirius exclaimed, and James’ eyes snapped open because how did he-?
“How did you know that?” James tilted his head.
“Who the fuck do you think taught him that shit?” Sirius asks as if it’s obvious. “Not Remus, that’s for sure.”
“I was thinking maybe he learned it on his own?” James answered. “It makes sense, though.”
“Yeah, what else are two gay brothers going to do besides learn Britney Spears choreography when their homophobic parents aren’t home?” Sirius sighs, a grimace taking over his expression as his eyes scan over the bruises scattered across his chest and neck. “So, you two finally got your shit figured out, then?”
“Uh, I guess you could sort of say that?” James lets out an awkward laugh, attempting to run a hand through his hair, but flinching as one of his fingers gets caught in a tangle. Sirius raised an eyebrow, motioning for James to go on. “Feelings were definitely discussed, and tears were involved.”
“Oh, God,” Sirius brought both of his hands to his face and dragged them down. “Dramatics, I assume? Before things were set to be official, of course.”
James barely stops himself from flinching, instead wrinkling his nose and tilting his head side to side. “About that…”
“James, please tell me it’s an official thing,” Sirius took a step closer, crossing his arms over his chest. “Please do not tell me that you and my brother are making this a one time thing. I think I will go insane.”
“Okay, I, uh, won’t tell you?” James’ expression soured, and his stomach felt as if it had been flipped inside out.
Sirius did, in fact, look like he was going to go insane. He lifted his hands to the sides of his head and bunched his hair in between his fingers, dark curls sticking out from pale hands. He closed his eyes tight, tugged the roots of his hair, then took a deep breath. And another. One more for good measure, James assumed.
“What sort of feelings were discussed, James?” Sirius asks, keeping his eyes closed and his hands tight around strands of black.
“Well, he’s afraid of dating me, because Walburga is terrifying, which is valid. Like, you saw what she did to him for defending Remus against Snivelus! You’ve experienced her wrath! He started crying and I–”
“Prongs, love of my life, please tell me if that’s what you want,” Sirius exhales quickly through his nose before opening his eyes and smiling tightly. It was sort of scary.
Sirius knows. Of course, Sirius knows that this isn’t what James wants. Anyone could tell that James Potter was not the type to hook up on occasion. He liked to show those he loved just how much he loved them, and he liked to do so loudly. This was not a secret whatsoever. For Regulus, though, things were different.
Regulus didn’t like it when things were too loud, and James was more than willing to quiet down for him. If Regulus wanted to love in private, then that’s what they would do. If Regulus wanted to do nothing but love in the dark–in the sheets–then that’s what they would do. As long as James had him in one way or another.
“It could be worse,” James’ voice is quiet, contradicting the scream Sirius lets out. “He said he’d rather have me like this than not at all, and I can’t help but feel the same way.”
“It isn’t what you want , though, Prongs!” Sirius exclaims, waving his hands like a mad man. Everything about him was exuding mad man energy, actually. “It’s not what Reggie wants either, and I know that for a fact! You’re both settling for scandalous rendezvous’ instead of actual happiness.”
“He’s afraid, Sirius,” James argues. Sirius freezes, then lets out a shaky sigh.
“I understand that he’s scared,” Sirius’ voice is low, “It sucks that he’s scared, and I get it more than anyone, but he’s letting it impose on his freedom. That’s not okay.”
“He doesn’t live the way you did in that house, Padfoot,” James starts, pushing the blankets off of his legs and standing up to walk over to his wardrobe. “He’s scared to do the things you did because he saw what happened when you did them.”
Sirius is quiet, and James can’t see his expression while he looks for a shirt, but he can feel the tension flowing through the room. He wishes that the brothers would have these conversations themselves so that he didn’t have to deal with this part. The realization of it all. The hitting moment.
“I just wish he’d come here,” Sirius’ voice is strained, and a small sniffle follows his words. “I really thought that if you two were to become a thing, then maybe he’d decide to live with us. He’d break free from that hell hole he’s stuck in.”
James doesn’t know what to say to this. He whole-heartedly agrees with Sirius’ wishes, because nothing would be better than having two of his favorite people safe and sound from the dangerous, cruel world they grew up in. Despite his strong yearning for Regulus to run off, James is at a complete loss for words. So, instead, he walks over to Sirius and pulls him into a tight hug. It’s then that he sees a small piece of paper with the prettiest handwriting he has ever seen written all over it. He’ll read that later.