All the things yet to come are the things that have passed
Like the holding of hands, like the breaking of glass
Like the bonfire that burns, that all words in the fight fell to
Wasteland, baby
I'm in love
I'm in love with you
And I love too
That love soon might end
Be known in it's aching
Shown in the shaking
Lately of my wasteland, baby
-Wasteland, Baby! (Hozier)
It was their last ever night at Hogwarts, and Remus and Sirius were very much not asleep, facing each other in Remus' bed, legs tangled together and fingers entwined. James snored softly in his bed, which had annoyed Sirius to no end in their first year, but now he could hardly imagine a night without the knowledge of his best friend there, but feet away. He stared into Moony's eyes, the most beautiful coffee brown, now wistful and sad.
"This is it," Remus whispered. Sirius swallowed, not really trusting himself to say anything back. They had been talking about it for ages, been waiting for it even longer, but now that it was real...
"Yeah," he managed, a little strained, "It really is," he laughed a strangled little laugh, took a breath, and continued, "I don't know, it's just all coming back to me in waves. It's like your life flashing in front of your eyes when you die except I'm still alive."
Remus smiled, "Maybe when you die you'll see this. Now. It's a weird thought, isn't it? Think about it. Everything is so real right now, but one day, when we're old and wrinkly it'll just be a memory, and when we die, it'll just be gone. Poof."
"I'll never die, Moons."
"Promise?"
Sirius really did laugh at that, "Yeah, or at least, I'll go after you, so you don't have to be alone."
"Hey, remember that time in, shit like, fourth year or something, when McGonagall caught us in the bathroom setting up a prank?" Sirius screwed up his face, trying to remember, and vaguely succeeding. Remus continued, "I don't even remember what the prank was, but we were both in one stall and she thought we were snogging?"
"Oh, yeah! I remember that! I don't think she believed that we weren't to be honest, all the teachers were looking at me funny for ages. It was fun to watch Snivelly lose his shit over it though."
"Yeah, well, I know we only started going out the next year, but really, I did want to kiss you then. I didn’t know it though. I think that was the start of it for me. Well, not really, we've been us since the start, but that was when we became us. At least in my mind."
Sirius considered this. He hadn't consciously known, at the time, not exactly, but somewhere deep down there had been an understanding that he wasn't what he thought he was. However, he had been stealing glances at Remus long before that.
"I don't know, for me there wasn't really a start, as such. It was just always there and I didn't know. Like, once, in transfiguration, maybe, oh I don't know, early third year? Yeah, must have been. Anyway, we were in transfiguration and you had just turned your rabbit into a watermelon, and I was nearly there, couldn't let you be top of the class in my favourite subject, you know? But you looked so proud of yourself, and you smiled like that and, I don't know, I lost it. All my work was gone and McGonagall was furious, but it was worth it, if I got to see you smile like that again."
Remus buried his head in his hands, and Sirius pried them away, and exclaimed, "There it is! You're doing it again!"
"Dramatic sod."
"Thank you."
Remus sighed. He reached his hand out to Sirius's hair, coiling a finger around one of his curls. His eyes glinted with a look Sirius knew all too well.
"What is it?"
"How do you feel about one last trip around the castle?"
"Think we can steal the invisibility cloak off James without waking him up?" Sirius asked skeptically, "He sleeps with that thing under his pillow."
"No need. What can they do? Give us detention? We're leaving tomorrow morning."
Sirius needed no more convincing. He leaped up and pulled Remus with him, making for the door.
"At least put some shoes on," said Remus in a stage whisper, "And don't be so loud! You'll wake the others." Sirius paused, hand on the door, grabbed a pair of shoes, waited impatiently for Remus, and, when he had joined him by the door, bounded down the stairs to the common room and flung himself over his favourite armchair. Remus grabbed his hand and dragged him to his feet and out of the portrait hole.
"So, where to first?" asked Sirius, safely in the corridor.
"Dunno. I suppose I didn't think that far. Somewhere important."
"What a way to narrow it down. This whole castle is important." A hint of sadness had reached Sirius's voice. Remus didn't blame him. He too was struggling to keep his cheeks dry.
How was it possible to squish seven years of memories into a single night? Remus had had so many firsts here. His first friends, his first time sharing a room, his first good grade, he had discovered Bowie, listened to all of his albums. He had picked up a bass guitar for the first time, performed to the school two months later. He had kissed Sirius for the first time in the hallway afterwards, riding the adrenaline rush from being on stage. He had formed bonds not only with the Marauders, but so many others that would last a lifetime. Even some of the teachers. He'd developed a fondness for professor McGonagall, and despite her strictness, he could tell she had a soft spot for him as well.
"We should start from the very beginning." Remus finally declared.
"You're gonna need to elaborate on that one." Sirius had clearly also been daydreaming.
"The beginning! The great hall, it's where we got sorted, it's how we started every day, it's only fair to go there first now."
A smile spread over Sirius's face. "I love how sentimental you are sometimes. Come on."
And so they flew down the stairs, barely waiting for the moving staircases to reach their destinations before leaping on. At some point Remus had to stop, his hip had started acting up, but nothing could deter Sirius from his mission. He simply levitated him and kept running. Remus didn't mind, though he did have to remind Sirius not to whack his face into any doorways.
Sirius stood, panting, in front of the grandiose doors to the great hall that had seemed so terrifying the first time he had seen them. Now they had become a monument to the start of the day.
Sirius took hold of one of the massive handles, and Remus took the other. They made eye contact and pulled. At first the room was pitch black, save for the swirling galaxies overhead. "Lumos maxima," Remus muttered, and the hall was instantly flooded with near blinding light.
The realization hit Sirius like a bludger to the head. He had never seen the hall so deserted. He'd only ever be there once more ever, actually, tomorrow morning.
The great hall was as it always had been, four long tables, benches on either side, the teachers table on a raised platform at the front. Dumbledore's chair, though rarely occupied, was the grandest of all of them, golden and dazzling.
"You know," Sirius said, voice reverberating in the empty room, "the first time I was here, I was scared shitless. Really. I wanted to go to Hogwarts more than anything, but the fact that I was finally here just had me panicking. I needed to impress mum, be a good example for Reggie. When that hat was placed on my head I begged it to put me in Slytherin, because even if I couldn't impress my family, I could at least follow tradition. But then..."
"You were put into Gryffindor."
"And I'm better for it. It was the push I needed, I think."
"And now look at you, it all worked out in the end."
"It did. I may be a little traumatized but hey, who isn't? I came out the other side hotter than I ever would have been if I'd stayed with them."
"I really am so proud of you. You know that, right?"
Sirius said nothing, but wrapped his arms around Remus, placing his head on his chest. He felt Remus's arms closing around him too, then the familiar weight of his chin on Sirius's head.
"I know," Sirius whispered into Remus's chest.
"When I first came here, I was terrified too. I only knew as much about magic as my dad had told me, and that wasn't much. Just the total basics. I had no idea what house I'd be, I don't think dad ever even mentioned which one he was in. I was just so clueless. Then I found you. And James, and Pete. I was so grateful to finally have friends."
Sirius looked up into Remus's eyes, "I'd like to argue that actually, we found you."
Remus laughed, "Yeah, I guess you did," and held Sirius tighter.
Sirius was the one to disentangle himself first, now with a mischievous look about him.
"Last one to Dumbledore's chair is a rotten dragon egg!" He cried, already running.
"Wha- you dickhead!" Remus exclaimed, setting off after him.
While Remus simply ran, rather slowly, towards the front of the hall, Sirius leaped up onto tables, jumped between them, ran laps, making sure that Remus sat down first.
"I win," said Remus, panting slightly from the extersion.
Sirius jumped into Remus's lap, flinging his legs over one side of the chair, "Nah, you didn't," he said, face dangerously close to Remus's.
Remus felt a flush reach his face. Still, after all this time, he wasn't immune to Sirius Black, "Actually, I think I did."
"Fine. Draw?"
Remus rose to his feet, scooping Sirius into his arms in the process, before setting him back down, and now it was Sirius's turn to go red, "Draw. Library?"
"Lead the way," said Sirius, grinning.
In truth, the library, though important, wasn't exactly top of the list of places to go for Sirius. Still, Moony wanted to go, so he'd make the trek with him. After a near miss with Mrs Norris and a rather loud run-in with Peeves, they made it through the looming archway leading to the Hogwarts library. It was an ethereal sight. Pure moonlight was streaming through the windows, covering the looming bookshelves in a hazy glow.
Remus instantly had a book in his hand, "It's gonna be a pain in the arse not having a massive library on hand wheneverits needed."
Sirius just nodded. He was, quite unintentionally, heading towards a very specific alcove.
And there it was. Where it all happened. The place the Marauders gathered at first for prank ideas, then band brainstorm sessions as well, and in the end, frantic studying. It was the same as ever, if not a little eerie in the moonlight. The window overlooked the lake, and James would always take bets on how many times the giant squid would make an appearance. It usually never did, but one time Sirius had lost quite a lot of money when it had finally emerged from the water to do a flip. Perpendicular to the window, on either side were the bookshelves, at this point reshelved by the Marauders to contain everything from quidditch to curses to cures for the flu. Somehow Madam Pince hadn't noticed, and Sirius highly suspected Remus had something to do with it. And the table. Oh, the table. A place where brilliant minds became one, scheming and planning, forever coming up with new ideas. Sirius touched the dark wood. Sometime in fifth year Peter had engraved: "THE MARAUDERS WERE HERE, 1975" in one of the corners, and they had all signed their names around it:
James Potter
Sirius Black
Remus Lupin
Peter Pettigrew
At some point, over time, their other friends had added their own signatures, albeit on the table leg for subtlety:
Mary Macdonald
Lily Evans
Marlene McKinnon
Dorcas Meadowes
Barty Crouch Jr
Evan Rosier
Pandora Rosier
Even
Regulus Arcturus Black
Of course, he'd be the only one to sign his full name, Sirius had thought the first time he'd seen it, though now it was such a Regulus thing to do it only seemed natural. He would miss him after leaving school, because despite all the ups and downs, Reggie was still his little brother, and he loved him. Sirius was so glad that over the past couple of years they'd grown closer than ever. In a way, it was a little fuck you to their parents, as if to say, You can't pull us apart because of your own failures.
Suddenly, there was a hand on his back. Sirius jumped, but, of course, it was only Remus. He wrapped his arms around Sirius's waist and rested his head on his shoulder.
"Thought I'd find you here. What'ya thinkin' about?"
"Reggie," Sirius answered truthfully, leaning into the embrace, "But also this table. It's got part of our souls in it."
"Who's sentimental now?"
"No, really! I mean, imagine future generations coming here, maybe our own kids, and they just see us. We'd be older, hell, maybe even dead, but who we were will always stay here."
"Wanna add one last thing to it?"
"Hell yeah, what?"
"Something simple."
"Hm, not really my style. Still, impress me."
"We ought to hide it, I think, under the table, so it can only be found if you look for it."
"You still haven't told me what it is."
"Come, lie down with me."
There was a bit of an awkward shuffle, and then the two of them were on the floor, looking up at the surprisingly clean underside of the table.
"I was thinking something like this," Remus pulled out his wand and pointed it at the wood. With it, he traced a little heart, and finally, it clicked for Sirius.
"Moonyyy! That's perfect! Can I do the R? You do S."
"That's what I had in mind."
Sirius pointed his wand at the upper half of the heart, and managed to carve a sharp R in it, then Remus added the + and S, so it read:
R
+
S
"We should add a date," said Remus, "So people know at least when we were."
"Nah," said Sirius, turning to face him, "Love doesn't need a date on it if it's forever."
Remus too turned towards Sirius, and for a moment they just lay there, staring at their person, seeing every possible future in each other's eyes.
"So, where to next?" Remus asked, "It's your choice this time."
Sirius needed no time to think.
"Let's be adventurous. Quidditch pitch."
Remus barked out a laugh, "Of course."
And so down the stairs they went, yet again dodging Mrs Norris and angering a few sleeping portraits.
After having to force the massive doors open, they stood for a moment in the courtyard before racing down into the grounds.
While Remus was catching his breath, Sirius had run into the quidditch supplies shed and grabbed two school brooms. Now he was walking towards Remus with a hopeful expression.
"Oh no, I'm not doing that."
"Yes, you are!"
"Am not."
"Are too!"
"Nope."
"Fine then," Sirius said in mock offense, and took off towards the hoops. Remus just sighed, admitting defeat, and shakily mounted his broom. He had never liked flying, but he could put up with it just this once. Anyway, something told him that he wouldn't lose his balance and fall, and the universe was on his side, maybe even watching.
"Oi, wanker!" Remus called, slowly rising, "Wait up!"
Sirius turned around wearing a face of pure delight, "Moony! You came!"
"Of course I did. Slow down, I'm not as good at this as you are."
"You really are quite atrocious, actually. ‘not as good’ doesn't quite cover it," Sirius agreed, swooping down to fly next to Remus, "Don't worry, I'll catch you."
"And we'd both die, yay."
"Nah."
"You can't 'nah' your way out of dying.'
"Yeah I can, 'nah', hear that? Now I'll never die, I promise."
"You're an idiot."
"I'm your idiot."
"Sentimental bastard."
"Lyrical wanker. I've seen the poetry you've written, at least what you've shown me. It rivals even Reggies."
Remus chuckled, "Come on, nothing rivals Regulus's sad boy poetry."
"Okay, fair, but you come a close second."
"Whatever you say. How is he, anyway?"
Sirius drew in a breath. Took a moment to think, "He'll be fine. I mean, he's always been better on his own, and he's always been better at dealing with mum and dad, but I'm worried. He doesn't need me, not anymore, and he has his friends, but I'll miss him, and I have a feeling he'll miss me, too."
"It's only for one year, anyway. Then we'll all be... adults, I guess."
"Yeah. Adults. Us." A bitter laugh escaped Sirius's throat, "I mean, can you really imagine us as proper adults?"
"No," Remus admitted, "but it's a nice thought."
"Imagine James as an adult. Perfect sod will look twenty at fourty-five."
"As opposed to us who'll look seventy at thirty," Remus chimed in.
"That's not what I meant! I'd like to turn seventy with you, though."
"That sounds like wishful thinking."
"Nah, it's just the only possible future for us. I can't see anything else."
"You know what? Me neither, I wouldn't have it any other way."
Sirius reached out an arm, trying to grab Remus's hand.
"Sirius, I love you, and take no offense, but if I let go of this broom I will fall off it."
"Oh well, it's been a while anyway, let's go somewhere else."
Afterwards, they spent hours visiting as many places in the castle with any significance as they could. The Room of Requirement, the transfiguration classroom, the broom cupboard they were always sneaking off to, the hallway they had kissed in for the first time, the haunted bathroom on the second floor where they had made potions for pranks. There wasn't time to go everywhere, but sometimes sacrifices have to be made.
They ended up in the astronomy tower, sharing a cigarette and staring out over the grounds. All the words necessary had already been said, so they stood in silence. Now they just needed to be here, together, watching the sun rise. In a matter of hours, everyone in this castle would be loading into the Hogwarts Express, some for the last time.
Realistically, Sirius knew that there would be good times after Hogwarts, but he didn't want to leave his childhood behind. For all its faults, he'd turned out okay. Still, the finality of it was overwhelming.
He looked over at Remus, now bathed in the sunlight of a new day, and couldn't help but think of how lucky he was. How lucky he was to have the friends he did, to have Remus. He was young and in love, and though he had no idea what it was, he knew he had a bright future ahead of him.
Remus turned to see Sirius staring at him. He looked ethereal, his hair a halo and his storm grey eyes dazzling. He was so beautiful, so clever. Remus had no idea what would become of him in the years to come, but he hoped it would be spent with Sirius by his side.
As the sun rose on a new day, Remus Lupin and Sirius Black stood side by side, tears in their eyes, hopeful for the future but already mourning the past.
"We should go. James'll be waking up about now," Sirius muttered.
"Yeah, I prefer to keep my head, let's go."
The castle started to wake up around them as they descended the stairs together for the last time, hands joined and heads held high, with so many fears but so, so many dreams in need of fulfilling.
Be still, my indelible friend
You are unbreaking
Though quaking
Though crazy
That's just wasteland, baby
And the day that we'll watch the death of the sun
That the cloud and the cold and those jeans you have on
Then you'll gaze unafraid as they sob from the city roofs
Wasteland, baby
I'm in love
I'm in love with you
-Wasteland, Baby! (Hozier)