Hopeless Romantic
James Potter was a hopeless romantic.
He always had been, even as a child. He would see the all-consuming adoration that filled his parents’ gazes each time they looked at the other, the small gestures they did subconsciously, the sweet laughs and soft smiles, the love. Their love permeated through all their words and actions, and it made them so happy. James yearned for it more than anything else.
James’ family and friends love to joke about how oblivious he is, and its got to the point where he can’t really deny it because whilst he does well in school it is proven repeatedly that he isn’t the best at picking up on certain cues. This, however, does not apply to anything in the realm of romance. James lives for spotting the small gestures passed between people that even the people themselves are often unconscious they are doing. Some may call it misplaced optimism but James is filled with such contentment when he notices people’s stolen glances and tentative touches. He also likes to pride himself on evaluating the best way to help these people in their endeavour, as sometimes they need time to explore their feelings on their own, yet others need a shove in the right direction. Despite James wanting a love for himself so badly, he surprises himself by never feeling envy for the flourishing affections that he is often witness to. James just loves love.
This is what brings James where he is now, hidden behind bookshelves, watching his two best friends who are clearly head over heels for one another blatantly ignore the extremely obvious signals they are sending each others way.
The first moment James Potter met Sirius Black on the train in first year, it was clear he had met his soulmate. It was the first time James had truly appreciated the strength a platonic bond could hold. He had always put romantic love on such a pedestal and of course he had friends he cared about throughout his childhood but he realised retrospectively maybe he hadn’t treasured them as much as they deserved before that moment. Sirius was his brother, the vibrant entity he could always rely on to know what he needed, understand how he felt, be there for him for his highest and lowest moments in equal parts. This is how he knew when Sirius had fallen in love.
James chides himself for not realising sooner, and if he was being honest with himself he thinks it was jealousy that clouded him from noticing. The same day he met Sirius, he also met Peter and Remus, the four became attached immediately as though their bond had been woven intricately into an indestructible tapestry of care and appreciation for one another. Whilst James and Sirius were brothers, Remus’ best friend was Lily and Peter had strong friendships with a few Hufflepuffs he had known since childhood, the four of them found a unique source of comfort in one another that they savoured between them.
Yet when in fourth year there was a slight shift in how Sirius spoke to James about Remus, James immediately felt defensive. It wasn’t that Sirius was becoming distant from James in any way, he just spoke of Remus with such unabridged fondness that James began to harbour a seed of resentment towards Remus for threatening to steal his best friend, which he is deeply ashamed of now. Remus was a brilliant friend and did nothing to deserve James’ suddenly hateful emotions.
It wasn’t until one day he returned from quidditch practice to find Remus and Sirius just revelling in the others company while listening to their records. This was not an unusual scene, but what was unusual was the look of unguarded enamour filling Sirius’ as he watched Remus, as though he was some other-worldly being who was blessing Sirius with his presence. And all James could think in that moment was oh. Maybe James would in fact have to worry about Remus stealing Sirius from him, but it was in a very different way to what James had been troubling over.
There was a split moment that day when James worried over if Remus would reciprocate the feelings Sirius was evidently harbouring. That worry soon felt laughable. After establishing Sirius’ feelings were much less platonic than originally thought, it was like a veil had been lifted from James’ eyes and he was left bewildered at how he hadn’t noticed it before. Remus was generally quite reserved with his emotions but when it came to Sirius he would slip so often, whether it was a lingering gaze or an act of remembering such small but thoughtful details about Sirius.
James thought it was brilliant; two of his favourite people in love. He wanted so desperately to point it out to them but knew immediately that was a terrible idea. James loved his friends he really did, but they both had a tendency to be rather… emotionally constipated at times… majority of the time. James knew he was so lucky to be raised in a house like his where he was free to be who he was and express himself as he pleased. His friends weren’t so fortunate. James didn’t mind, he had enough emotions for all of them and he would be patient when it took them longer to get something out. This did, however, mean that James was extremely confident in his theory that if he rushed them into things they would simply invoke a wall between them as a method to block out their feelings.
So James waited. He waited through their just missed glances. He waited through their clearly romantic actions and words being brushed off as platonic. He waited through their drunken near misses. He waited through their relationships with other people. And gosh that was absolute torture. This is also how James discovered that both boys were very jealous people. He had to put up with the bickering, the sulking and the ranting whenever one was in a relationship with someone else. A relationship which was never long, might he add, because there was always something wrong with them, some made up insignificant fault that was really code for they aren’t him. But James’ final grain of patience diminished upon a conversation with Sirius a few weeks ago.
Sirius had moved into the Potter residence permanently the previous Christmas in their fifth year of Hogwarts and had been so astounded by the positive nature of his parents’ relationship it shattered James’ heart. After a year of living in the vicinity of their love, Sirius had began to get used to it and never really bought it up anymore. That was until the conversation on the night after Sirius had dumped yet another partner with some ineffectual reason and didn’t seem upset in any manner by the breakup.
“Your parents have that magical kind of love that everyone always talks about don’t they” it wasn’t really phrased like a question, because even the biggest of pessimists could feel the love of his parents radiating off them. Sirius sighed still looking up at the ceiling in thought “I’ve never felt that with any of the relationships I’ve been in.”
Maybe Sirius didn’t mean anything by the way he phrased it, but James took his opportunity regardless, “but you’ve felt it with someone you haven’t been in a relationship with?” James encouraged. Sirius didn’t answer but James saw the spark erupt in his brain and wash over him in a blaze that left him initially looking slightly pained and horrified as the realisation dawned on him, but eventually settle into a simmering heat of comfort that Sirius finally understood what he had been feeling.
James was an idiot to think this would move things along, instead it just meant more pining, more yearning, and more frustration with his friends, that they were being so dramatic in acting like they were doomed when they could be so happy together if one of them just had the courage to open to their mouth and say something. Sirius still hadn’t even managed to admit his feelings to James despite all the less than subtle hints he has been dropping to let Sirius know that he already knows.
Instead James has taken it upon himself to conclude that he has given them long enough to establish their feelings on their own and it has failed, so he is now inserting himself into the matter. Today this has involved conveniently ensuring they are alone together in the library. Their friend group, which over the years has extended to include Lily, Mary and Marlene are somewhat codependent. Which while James loves, it becomes an issue when trying to get his friends together who are far more likely to make an effort to hide their feelings when in front of an audience. So James has been working overtime to get them some time where they can hopefully explore their feelings in peace, there have been a few times that James hadn’t planned but could surely not have been a coincidence, but James is just putting that down to the universe being an advocate for Sirius and Remus’ relationship.
The library is a good place for that. Remus loves the library, James reckons he would shack up and live there permanently if he was permitted to. Remus also hates people bothering him in the library, except for Sirius of course. Well Remus acts like Sirius bothers him too, but he has seen the way his eyes light up when Sirius comes to join him, the way he moves his stuff or himself slightly to make room for him.
Sirius is loud and energetic and big in everything he does. James loves that about him and he knows Remus does too. But Remus grounds Sirius and gives him a space where he can be calm and comforted. So Sirius would join Remus in the library sometimes just to simply exist in one another’s presence. Sometimes he would lean over and ask Remus to tell him about something and Sirius would listen meticulously as Remus got carried away with something he was passionate about, subdued and pleased to simply hear Remus’ voice.
Remus is more often than not accompanied by Lily to the library. Today he didn’t have the map to check but hoped for the best and was slightly disappointed to find she was there. Nothing personal to Lily at all, he knows she is brilliant. Remus and Sirius have always been closer with Lily than what James was, she had always made him rather nervous he wasn’t sure why. Her with her goddess-like hair that burned its beautiful red and cascaded in graceful waves, the freckles that danced across her nose that he always felt compelled to reach out and trace, her smile that felt like sunshine personified when directed at you and her eyes that were just so… so. Well then James had to admit perhaps he was intimidated by her ethereal beauty, but it was more than that. She was so bold and smart and funny and kind, but none of those words did her justice because they didn’t exemplify the wondrousness that was Lily Evans.
James had nothing to worry about though because as soon as Lily caught sight of him and Sirius approaching, she rose abruptly excusing herself. It seemed rather strange, but also worked for James’ plan so he didn’t think too much about it. He didn’t think too much about it until he was slowly moving through the shelves to check on the progress of Remus and Sirius and got a faceful of red hair as he let out a yelp and tripped over landing on the floor.