Chapter 1
He felt like he was falling. Drowning in guilt, suffocating in self-hatred. Every single night. All of the threats, the taunts, the jeers he’d heard in his entire life echoed across his mind, expanding the darkness, making him convince himself that perhaps he was truly evil after all…that he’d deserved what he’d gotten, that he should have gotten more.
Severus Snape shook awake, his breath deep and labored. The Battle marked him horribly. A deep scar ran from the corner of his lips down to the base of his neck, causing his voice to become horribly raspy. But other than that, he’d escaped with minor physical injuries. Injuries that had gotten worse over time, yes, but still. It was what happened inside his head that caused him to go slightly insane.
He was allowed back to Hogwarts after Horace Slughorn retired. Minerva McGonagall became Headmistress and he was Deputy Headmaster. Even now, two years after the Battle and one since returning to Hogwarts, he still edged away from certain corridors or corners, afraid of the memories that lingered. The year in Azkaban had broken him. To nearly beyond repair.
Every night, nightmares haunted him. It was the same every time- Lord Voldemort torturing him for betraying the Death Eaters. It really had happened, right after Nagini bit him, and the memories plagued his mind.
“He comes back each night,” he remembered telling Madam Pomfrey. “The Dark Lord. Everything looks so real. What is real, what is real?”
She gave him a Dreamless Potion, but after a whole year of consuming them and having nightmare-free dreams, Poppy took him off of it. He became dangerously addicted, and as soon as the potions were put to an end, the nightmares returned.
Severus couldn’t go back to sleep. He slipped out of bed, putting on a cloak. His joints creaked painfully. As an effect of the war, his joints were painful and stiff. His right leg was weak and unsteady. He put the leg brace on, hating it, but he wanted to spare himself from pain. Taking his cane, he limped out of his quarters, closing the door quietly and walking barefoot out of the dungeons. At the Headmistress’ Office, he whispered to the gargoyles, “Remus Lupin.”
Minerva liked to make her password the name of someone who died during the War.
The gargoyle didn’t move. Severus closed his eyes for a second, exhaustion seeping through. She’d forgotten to tell him the newly changed password.
“Albus Dumbledore. Nymphadora Tonks. Lavender Brown. Colin Creevey. Fred Weasley.” Each name shattered his heart more. Severus sank, weak-kneed, onto the ground, convinced somehow that each death was because of him…why did she make him do this?
“Edgar Bones. Ted Tonks. Banjy Fenwick. Dorcas Meadowes. Gideon Prewett. Fabian Prewett. Alastor Moody. Caradoc Dearborn. Emmeline Vance. Sirius Black.” His voice dropped to a faint whisper. “James Potter. Lily Potter.”
He didn’t know why she said her name last. But the gargoyle leaped aside. Tears dripped from his hooked nose and he stayed on the ground, feeling weak.
“Professor Snape?” Severus turned an exhausted gaze towards a small boy standing in the darkness. Teddy Lupin.
“What are you doing here?” The young boy walked towards him, wrapping his arms around Severus.
“I could ask the same about you,” Severus whispered. Him, Minerva, and Hagrid fell into the position of raising the boy at Hogwarts after Andromeda Tonks died a year ago.
“Aunt Minnie wanted me to find you,” he said, stuffing his thumb into his mouth. Severus winced. “She sleeps late, you know, and I’ve started to sleep late too.” He giggled softly, looking delighted at the fact that he seemed to be breaking a rule.
“Ah.” Minerva was always looking out for him.
“I looked in the classroom,” said Teddy, his cheeks rosy even in the darkness. “You weren’t there. So I went back here.”
“Well, I’d better get up.” Bracing himself for pain, Severus hauled himself onto his feet, flinching.
“Does it hurt?” The boy blinked at him, and Severus noticed that his eyes were black today.
“It always hurts,” he rasped, but he shook it off. Limping to Minerva’s office with a hand in the boy’s sweaty palm, Severus creaked open the door softly.
“Severus.” Minerva McGonagall looked up from her book, smiling gently.
“Minerva.” Severus limped to his usual couch and collapsed onto it. He set down the cane.
“I found him crying on the floor,” Teddy piped up, yanking his thumb out of his mouth. Severus flinched again.
“Crying?” A brow furrowed. Minerva looked motherly. She stood up, pushing in her chair, and walked to Severus, checking his forehead as if looking for a fever.
“I had to remember everyone who died,” he whispered as an answer, his hands shaking.
“I’m sorry. I made the password Lily…” Minerva sighed, staring down at Severus’ ruined face.
“Did you stay up waiting for me?”
“I knew it was a hard day for you,” she answered, smiling sadly. “Albus warned me as well.” She gestured to the portrait where the old headmaster sat sleeping, his wizards hat askew.
“Thank you.”
“Get your rest,” she said promptly, standing up straight again. “I daresay tomorrow will tire both of us.”
Severus sighed, looking older than ever. He dreaded the start of the year-students always stared. He felt frailer and weaker than most his age.
“Teddy,” Minerva said sternly, “get to bed.”
“Goodnight, Aunt Minnie, goodnight, Uncle Sev!” cried the little boy, and he ran up to Severus and hugged him in the leg.
“‘Night, Teddy,” Severus said affectionately. Teddy, in fact, was the first child that managed to steal his affection.
They both watched the young boy run away happily.
“You know, Severus, I think we did a good job of raising him.”
“I have to agree.” His voice was slowly fading. Minerva glanced down and smiled.
“Goodnight, Severus.”
“Goodnight, Minerva.”
Severus’ eyes fluttered shut. Within minutes, he was asleep, snoring ever so slightly, with his mouth somewhat open. Minerva smiled again, conjuring a blanket and setting it on top of Severus, tucking him in. She was slightly guilty after the war, how he suffered so much and was shunted by so many. Severus saw her as a mother figure. Minerva saw him sort of as the son she never had. All Severus knew was that without her, he likely wouldn’t even have survived his third chance at life.
Minerva walked away, closing her book and flicking her wand once. The lights went out. Severus slept soundly on, dreaming of nothing, because the warm friendship between the two were enough to chase them away.