Regulus always used to keep his appearance pristine, his curls were always defined and styled to perfection, his robes crisp and well-fitted. He chose his rings carefully, making sure the thicker bands were balanced with the thin ones, applying charms to his under eyes and blemishes to make himself look more alive. He used to care deeply about how he looked, how he dressed, and if his posture was straight enough. But that was before he drowned. Everything has been split into before and after. Before the cave, before his body was marked with thick scars from the inferi, before bathing gave him flashbacks and the feeling of cold hands on his skin made him vomit.
Regulus thinks if he had a time-turner and could see who he was before the cave, he wouldn't be able to recognize himself. His hair hung limp most days now, weighed down with grease from not washing it, his nails were bitten down to the quick, and he'd been wearing the same clothes for at least three days now. Sometimes he swears he can still taste the potion and the lake water, he's thrown up enough times that he knows it's impossible but the taste still sits at the back of his tongue. He dreams about it often, the repulsive feeling of rotted corpses touching him everywhere, sharp claws dragging through his skin, the way his lungs had spasmed and his body forced him to inhale the water, even when he knew he wouldn't be able to breathe.
He dreams about dying a Death Eater, about Sirius and James never knowing his plans, never knowing that he didn't want this. Sometimes James has to remind him that they saved him, that he's still alive because he still feels like a ghost haunting their flat, like his body is still trapped in that cave. He is a lost soul that drifts through the days without purpose, Regulus knows he would've disappeared entirely if he didn't have James to anchor him.
He was curled up by the window, head resting on his knees as he watched the thunderstorm that cracked across grey London skies, downpouring on people desperately trying to stay dry as they walked past, bunched under umbrellas. Regulus always loved storms, loved watching the sky flicker with streaks of lightning, the sound of rain pounding against windows.
When they were little, Sirius dragged him out of bed in the middle of the night so they could splash around in the rain and jump in muddy puddles. They chased each other around the backyard, dancing to the music of the storm and cartwheeling through the deepest puddles so the water splashed up in their faces. Regulus doesn't know how they didn't get caught, but Walburga had certainly suspected something when they woke up sick the next morning with stuffy noses and miserable chills. She never found out what they'd done, but she withheld food from Sirius for two days anyway, punishing him without cause, as she did often. Regardless, it was a giddy secret that they shared, a tiny, innocent rebellion in an otherwise hostile childhood.
Regulus loved the rain and used to find it comforting, whether it was a spring shower or an intense storm. But in the after, he doesn't know how it would feel on his skin, would it feel like the exhilaration of breaking the rules with his big brother, or rotting hands that rip and shred his skin? Water felt... volatile to him now, maybe he felt betrayed by that, as illogical as it sounded, the element that once comforted him had nearly killed him.
"Brought you some tea," James' voice interrupted his train of thought, and Regulus looked over to find his boyfriend settling across from him on the windowsill, placing two mugs of tea and a sleeve of biscuits in the space between them. "Sirius has been whinging about you ignoring your cell and is accusing me of keeping you locked in our flat like a princess in a tower,"
Regulus snorted, wrapping his hands around the mug to warm them, "Does that make you the dragon defending said tower?"
"I guess, though that means Sirius is the knight coming to slay me, so I suggest responding before he breaks in when we're sleeping," James wiggled his eyebrows, taking a bite of a biscuit and miming a dagger going through his heart. Regulus rolled his eyes, sipping his tea absentmindedly. He'd seen several messages from his brother but he'd ignored them all, mostly because he didn't know what to say. Sirius was great, but he was overwhelming on a good day, and Regulus just hadn't had the energy to engage him, so he turned off his phone.
"I'll respond eventually, he's just been incredibly overbearing lately. I think I liked my brother better when we had to rely on owls to communicate."
"Blame Remus for introducing us all to the modern world," James joked, nudging Regulus with his foot, "He's just worried, doesn't like that you're here alone all day while I'm at work,"
"It's not like I'm an adult or anything, capable of taking care of myself," He muttered, sarcasm dripping from his voice. Regulus bumped his head against the window, casting his eyes back to the ongoing storm.
"I worry too, you know. And it has nothing to do with what you're capable of, we just want to make sure you're alright after... everything." James said carefully like he was worried the words would start a fight.
Regulus' moods have been unpredictable lately, on the days he wasn't completely withdrawn, he'd be quick to snap or break down, and it was hard to tell which would happen on a given day. He wondered if James would give up on him if he believed the version of Regulus he loved was lost in the before, someone Regulus wasn't sure he could ever be again. James hadn't said anything to make him believe he wouldn't love Regulus as is, but James had been hesitant with him in a way he never was before. James loved loudly at all times, but since the cave he's softened, as if Regulus were breakable and couldn't handle his carefree love anymore, it grated on his nerves sometimes. He wanted to grab James and shake him, tell him to treat him normally, to touch him normally, but Regulus couldn't always stand to be touched anymore, those careless touches sometimes threw him back in the water with the inferi, and he hated it.
Regulus didn't sound angry when he responded, just resigned, "I am alright," He whispered, closing his eyes, head still resting against the glass. From this angle, James could see the crisscrossing scars on the side of his neck, peeking out from his sweater. Regulus' face was gaunt, paler than usual from staying inside for weeks, eyelashes brushing against purplish eyebags. He looked miserable, thin, and too young.
"Reg, when was the last time you washed up, love?" James asked beseechingly, reaching out a hand but thinking better of it, dropping it in his lap instead.
Regulus hated the space between them, but he also loved James for it, loved him for not pushing, and hated himself for being the one to create the distance in the first place. He wished it all were simpler, he wished he wasn't so angry all the time, he wished James wasn't so damn patient with him. Maybe it's because he's a Black, maybe it's because fighting used to be the norm for him, but sometimes he wished James would be angry with Regulus for being this way, maybe then he'd change.
"You know when you don't need to ask just to make a point," Regulus said flatly, turning away from the window and James, feeling his cheeks burn with shame. He doesn't know what he looks like, Regulus has avoided his reflection like the plague, but he knows he doesn't look like the person James fell in love with. He doesn't act like it either, but he can't seem to make himself pretend, not even for James.
"I'm not trying to make a point, I was just going to ask if you'd let me help. If it'd be easier if I did it with you,"
"What?" Regulus glanced over at him, eyebrows furrowed in confusion.
James suddenly looked sheepish, rubbing the back of his neck with a nervous smile, "I figured it might be easier if you didn't have to be alone in the water, I know touch can be hard, but it won't feel the same as the... well, it's just an idea," He finished awkwardly.
Regulus thought about it for a minute, running a hand through his greasy hair. They'd learned through trial and error what worked and what didn't over the last few weeks, like showers are much better than baths, standing in the water was slightly easier, and he could simply step out of the spray when he felt too suffocated by it. James talking to him usually helped ground him a little bit, but regardless of what they did, Regulus always ended up dragged into that cave, drowning again. They'd tried everything, and honestly, Regulus was just grateful James still wanted to try with him, even if he felt it'd be easier if they both gave up.
Regulus sighed heavily, "Okay... we can try it."
~
Regulus picked at his cuticles anxiously, shoulders hiked up to his ears as James started the shower, feeling the water to ensure it was hot enough. "Ready?" He asked, turning to face his boyfriend. Regulus nodded, though he made no move toward the shower, his shoulders trembling slightly as he stood before his greatest fear and his most familiar nightmare. James stepped forward, ducking his head slightly to meet Regulus' nervous gaze, "Hey, we've done this before, right? It's scary and hard, but you'll be completely safe and you won't be alone in there."
Regulus swallowed his panic, fisting his hands in his boyfriend's shirt, and pulled him closer, resting his forehead against James' shoulder. James let him stall, rubbing small circles between his shoulder blades for a few minutes before Regulus pulled away, steeling himself with a deep breath through gritted teeth. "Okay, I'm ready," He mumbled, wiping clammy hands on his pants and starting to shed his clothes as James did the same, Regulus reaching up to remove his glasses from his face, setting them on the sink, and avoiding looking in the mirror.
Regulus interlaced their fingers and squeezed, holding on tightly as he let James tug them into the shower, the warm water hitting him first. Regulus let out a shuddering breath, every muscle tensing in anticipation as steam from the running water made the room hazy and warped-looking. Drops of water beaded on James' shoulders and ran down his arms onto their interlinked hands, and Regulus found himself rooted to the spot, chewing on his lip nervously, gaze fixed on their hands. James seemed to pick up on this and took charge, unlinking their hands to grasp his elbow instead, keeping his movements slow so Regulus could track it.
"You're doing good love, I'm just gonna move us closer, okay?" He waited until Regulus gave him a small nod before turning them slightly so the water was hitting both of them partially. Regulus inhaled sharply as the hot water sprayed his face and body, stiffening as he was thrown back into the cave, sour murky water filling his lungs, rubbery gray bodies clustered around him, rotting hands ripping into him, the corpses were shrieking-
"Regulus, it's James, you're safe, you're safe with me,"
A distant voice called out to him, another memory from that cursed potion maybe, another vision to haunt him before the water or the inferi killed him. Would Sirius even mourn him? Would James? A cowardly Death Eater that couldn't do one thing right? The water was freezing, it felt as if it had teeth, sinking into every inch of him, freezing his lungs until he couldn't breathe, he was drowning-
"I'm here, open your eyes love, you're not drowning, you can breathe."
Regulus heard the voice louder this time, closer, and he vaguely felt the warmth that spread through his body. His spinning mind faltered momentarily, why did he feel warm? Everything about the cave had been cold, the dark magic that permeated every inch of the cave made it hard enough to breathe, even if he wasn't already drowning. Regulus sucked in a breath instinctually, preparing himself for the acrid taste of water that would surely invade his spasming lungs, but nothing happened. He sucked in another breath, and again, his racing mind fumbled, why could he breathe?
"Keep breathing, love, you're doing great. Keep coming back, darling."
He blinked his bleary eyes open to find himself pressed against a warm body, head resting against a steady heartbeat that moved slightly with every exhale. Regulus slowly, slowly, registered the gentle hands that held him up, drawing random shapes into his skin and the steady stream of reassurances rumbling through the chest his head lay upon. He could feel a small spray of warm water at his side and see James' eucalyptus-scented shower gel on the shelf. James. Regulus glanced up to find his boyfriend already watching him, hazel eyes a bit unfocused without his glasses but kind and soft as ever.
"There you are," He murmured, brushing a knuckle against Regulus' cheek, only one side of his hair weighed down with water, the other side dry and sticking up stubbornly. He looked ridiculous, Regulus loved him.
"How long was I gone?" Regulus asked shakily, the lump in his throat slowly disappearing as the warmth of his boyfriend's body and the water began to relax his muscles little by little. It was always hard to tell how much time had passed when his mind caught back up to reality, to him it felt like hours stuck in the same nightmare when it usually was only a few minutes.
"Not long, you came back much faster this time, it usually takes a lot longer when I'm just talking to you," James smiled proudly at him for a moment, dropping a kiss on his forehead, clearly pleased before his face shifted into something softer, "Do you think you can finish cleaning up? It's okay if it's too much,"
Regulus took a deep breath, reveling in the feeling of being so close together, leftover adrenaline sending tremors through his body still, "No, we can finish. I want to, just try not to get any water on my face," Regulus gave him a tentative smile, stepping out of the circle of his arms to grab the soap.
James nodded and kept up a steady stream of dialogue while they washed to keep Regulus distracted, telling funny stories about the kids at his job, or talking about the time Sirius laughed so hard he snorted pumpkin juice at breakfast, all over Remus' toast. Occasionally James stepped closer to hold him when his breath hitched or the sensation of the water got too overwhelming again, moving to block the stream and helping keep Regulus present. It took a long time, much longer than normal, but for the first time since the cave, Regulus was able to shower without having a complete meltdown, and he felt stronger for it, he had gotten some autonomy back. While it still felt scary, it got easier with James' steady presence. Eventually, they made their way out, drying off with fluffy green towels and pulling on clean clothes. They drifted toward their bed, Regulus feeling lighter than he had in weeks, more like himself, despite the tiredness tugging on him, and James beaming with a pride that showed on his pink cheeks. He wasted no time pulling Regulus back into his arms as they lay down, legs tangled together and noses brushing lightly. James pecked at his lips, his cheeks, and his nose lightly, chuckling as Regulus' face turned bright red at the attention.
"I'm so proud of you, darling," He whispered as they settled down, Regulus' fingers playing absentmindedly with the worn-out collar of James' shirt, "I'm serious though, you need to text back Sirius before he busts down our door," James added, headbutting Regulus lightly.
"I thought he was Sirius?" Regulus teased, arching an eyebrow but cracking almost instantly as he joined his boyfriend in giddy and sleep-deprived laughter.