september
prologue
“Lily! Lil, wait! I’m sorry! Please just, just hear me out!” James chased after her in the hallways, stopping to watch her harshly swipe away the tears. She turned and looked at him, and something about him just seemed so sincere. So defeated . But she wouldn’t let herself fall for it. Not again, not after everything.
“No, James. This,” Lily stated, gesturing between the two of them, “is over. It was over the second you chose to sleep with him. If by some miracle, I decide to forgive you, I need time, James.”
She loved him, more than anything. When they were kids, she would tell him to shove off and find something better to do, irritated by all his attempts at winning her over. As she grew, she began jumping at the chance to spend time with him, to be loved . Of course, she didn’t know what it was back then, but she knew he made her feel. Feel something, something more than anyone ever had. Certainly more than Severus, and even more than her own sister. This feeling of love, of simply belonging. And he threw her away.
Lily was heartbroken. Of course she was. The boy she’d been pining after for half her life had slept with someone else, Sirius’ little brother no less. He was her first love, her first everything.
Mary, her best friend, was known to gossip. She’d fallen for rumors so obviously fabricated, taking it upon herself to spread them around like the town herald. But this time it was true. Even Mary, who was always elated when she heard new whispers of a scandal, seemed so utterly regretful when Lily had asked her.
In the coming September, Lily changed and tried desperately to forget about him. But no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t. He was always there, on her doorstep waiting to take her back, and how could she do anything but open the door for him?
She could tell him to fuck off all she liked, but he was there. Oh, he was there. He cared enough to show up, didn’t he? He hates crowds, and she knew that, and he came anyway. For her. To take her back. She would fall for it, for him and his gentle touches and sweet lies. She couldn’t forget it, no, not really. The memory sat in the back of her mind collecting dust, and whenever she looked at the crease in his brow a little too long or saw his guilty smiles, despite how hard she tried to forget about it, she knew.
But it’s James , she would think. No matter how much he hurt her, she would go crawling back. She felt pathetic for it, but by the time she thought anything of it, she would be back in his arms, remembering the way it felt to be loved by him.
***
Lily watched as James threw his head back laughing, like the little kid he was. She saw the glint in his eyes and felt the heat rise on her face. She tugged the sleeves down on the denim jacket she was wearing, James’, of course. She smiled, feeling the warmth radiate and bring a rosy flush to her cheeks. But she didn’t—couldn’t—miss the way his smile faltered, as she tried not to read too much into it.
“I love you,” she whispered, sharing it like a secret only he would know. They walked home on the cobbled road, hands intertwined. James would smile, baring all of his teeth in a wide grin, and lean down to kiss her. She was so happy when she was with him, and Lily Evans had decided that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with James Potter.
She let him twirl her around in the autumn air, laughing and basking in his warmth. She had spent their whole relationship this way, and as the months bled together and gave way to fall, she couldn’t help feeling like the luckiest girl in the world. James Potter, and all the pure good in him, was hers. Hers, to keep.
As they made their way across the townhoused streets to their friends’ flat, she caught a familiar head of black curls. At first she thought the curls were Sirius’ but she caught the green eyes before they flitted away. Regulus? What was he doing there? She caught herself wanting to invite him over. Before she could, he disappeared between the buildings, and she clasped James’ hand just a little tighter.
***
Regulus had seen him.
James, that is.
He couldn’t stomach looking at him, every time he did, the guilt would absorb him until he felt like he was drowning, like there was no air to breathe. He hadn’t known about Lily, if he had…
If he had, he would have never let James come that close. He should’ve known. Known that James had a pretty girl waiting for him, someone to marry someday, have kids with. But sue him, of course he would fold under James’ gaze, what was to be expected of him?
There was only question after that day in August that plagued his mind. Why was he never enough for anyone to stay? What could possibly be so wrong, so flawed within him, that everyone he loved ran. The wound was still open, tearing further when Sirius barely recognized his presence. He barely spoke to him, but when he did, he spit the words out with disgust. His big brother.
Not anymore. Now, he was James’ brother. Of course.
“Let me make one thing clear. I hate you. You think I’ll protect you? Defend you? Hell, do you still think I love you? When all you have ever done is hurt me? After everything I did. Everything I did for you. No wonder you sat in that house for so long. You really are their child.”
***
Regulus had hated James Potter since he was eleven years old.
He had stolen Sirius from him, taken him to some paradise, away from the asylum they lived in.
“The Black family madness,” everyone would say.
Apparently, James was not repelled by this. So, Regulus got close to him. The sunshine man that he was. Leeching off his warmth, taking a share for himself to see what it was like to be in the presence of him, of divinity. Of goodness. Just once in his life, doing something for himself. For the sake of his own happiness.
He figured James would love him. And it really was awful. Truly, pitifully, awful. The end of that summer was truly dreadful.
He couldn’t possibly fathom the thought that James would come clean to Lily. It would make everything so much worse. He couldn’t stand the idea of being the cause of Lily’s pain. She was the one girl who had shown him kindness, and to ruin that would only prove his worst fears. He was his parents child, after all. He had asked James, late in August.
“Will you call, when you’re back at school?” and he had been so kind. In hindsight, it wasn’t kindness, it wasn’t the bashful look on his face that betrayed him. It was James himself. A liar.
James had promised he would stay in touch, he would let Regulus stay with his parents. He had promised the world and hung the moon.
But he would never forget that horrid night where he laid in bed in the house by the beach, James’ arm around him. He had been staring at the moonlit waves through the window, when James’ had mumbled something in a sleepy-haze. Regulus had gotten up to get a camera, wanting to document the beach on his last night, craving a way for the memories to be tangible long after it was over. When he tried getting up, James spoke again and this time, he heard it.
“Lily…”
Any sane man would have left, would have run far away from someone whose heart so clearly belonged to someone else. But, well, Regulus was far from sane, wasn’t he?
Regulus had loved James since he was eleven years old. All this talk of hate, and yet here he was.