Staring at the mirror, he almost could see it. The shadow of someone who he wanted to be. The shadow of Regulus Black. What he saw in the reflection, though, was a completely different thing. He had to wear a binder on his chest so people wouldn’t see what scared him every night during nightmares.
Funny enough, what he feared the most was a girl. A skinny girl, with long hair, a big chest and a sad face. She was young, almost ten years. And she wouldn’t stop crying because of her long hair and big chest. She wouldn’t stop crying because she couldn’t look more like her brother. The brother, who had a plain chest, short hair and happy face.
Oh, how Regulus feared her. And she was staring at him, ever since he was her age. She never left his side, even when he cut his hair and started to wear a binder. She was always there, telling him how similar they are.
“Regulus! Come on, I have to pee, man!” Barty screams from outside the bathroom.
He puts his binder on, then his t-shirt and a sweater on top. Sirius gave him the t-shirt last year, when he noticed Regulus liked the music he heard. It was a David Bowie one, one of Regulus’ favorite musicians.
“Alright. I’m out.” He announces.
“Thank god! What took you so long? For fuck’s sake dude” Barty says, getting in the bathroom before Regulus can even think of an answer
“You fine?” Evan asks.
“Yeah. Just a bit dysphoric, you know how it is.” When they were in third year, Regulus met Evan because he helped him to beat up a transphobic guy ass after he called Evan ‘tranny’. After that, they never stopped being friends. During fourth year, Regulus told Evan he’s also trans, and then, they were inseparable.
“Alright. Tell me or Barty if it gets too bad, yeah? We’ll come back as soon as possible.”
“Yeah. Fine.”
Today is a hogsmeade day, which means Evan and Barty are going on a date, while Regulus is going to see James. Not a date. Just a friend kind of thing, you know? James isn’t gay.
Once they’re out, Regulus regrets getting his sweater. It’s so, so hot. He takes it out and puts on his bag, which means everyone can see his ‘rebellious’ t-shirt. Walburga almost had a heart attack when she saw him using it for the first time.
He separates from Evan and Barty, who are going to honeydukes to steal some candy. He walks alone for a while, until he hears the oh so familiar yell:
“REG!” James screams.
“Hello, James.”
“Hi!!!” He says, excitedly. It’s almost cute.
“Well, what do you want to do now?” Regulus puts his hands on his pockets, and James looks at his Bowie t-shirt. He looks so happy.
“BOWIE!” He yells “I love Bowie. What’s your favorite song?”
“Rock’n’roll suicide. You?”
“You’re SO depressing, Regulus. I like every single song. Every single one reminds me of one person, like, lady stardust reminds me of Sirius and Starman reminds me of Remus. You get it?”
“A little. I don’t hear his music that much, but yeah, I think it makes sense.”
“Yeah! So, what are we going to do now?”
“You choose.”
And they talk during the whole day, walking around hogsmeade. In the end, James takes Regulus to his dorm, since Peter, Sirius and James are out. They talk, and listen to music, and talk more. Once it’s almost midnight, Regulus decides it’s time to go.
When he decides it, he and James are talking about the future, and Regulus notices how he has no idea of what he’s going to do. Is being a death eater a choice?
“James”, he calls
“Yeah?”
“I have to go now.”
“What? why?” He says, as Regulus gets up and grabs his things.
“It’s late, and we have class tomorrow.” Regulus says “Plus, I really have to do something now.”
“What? What are you doing at midnight, Reg?”
“Secretive things.” He says. Taking his binder off, for example, is one of the things. Now its gone much more than 8 hours that he’s been using it, and it’s hurting badly.
“Ohh?”
“Yeah.”
“Can’t you do it now? Like, here? Please? I was thinking about you sleeping here, maybe.” James says carefully.
“Oh. I… I don’t know. Isn’t Sirius coming?” God, please Sirius, be useful. “I don’t want him to see… this. I’m sorry, James.”
“No, no! It’s fine! He and Moony are going to spend the night with the girls in the common room. Peter as well. They aren’t going to know about any of this. Unless you go back to your common room. So…” He says, in a suggestive tune. “Sleep here. Then, go in the morning.”
“God, you’re insufferable.” Maybe, staying can’t be that bad. “But, you’ll have to promise you’re going to be quiet about every single thing that is going to happen from now, okay?”
“Ohh, what are you going to do, mr.Black?”
“The thing I have to do.”
“Okay. I promise!”
“Okay.”
“Now, do your thing. I’m curious.”
“Uh… I need help, actually.” He says, taking his t-shirt off and showing his binder. “I can’t open it on the back, usually Evan helps me.” God, it’s so, so, so embarrassing. He knows James isn’t transphobic, since he’s friends with Evan, and everyone knows Evan is trans, but it’s still weird. Scary.
“Oh!” Then, followed for another “Oh…”
“Yeah.”
“For how long have you been binding?! It’s dangerous!” James says, getting up and putting his hands on Regulus’ shoulder, staring at him deep in the eye.
“What? How do you know all of this?” Because, really, James Potter is the most cisgender man he’s ever met. There’s no way he’s trans. And why the fuck isn’t he surprised? That ‘oh’ didn’t sound much surprising, to be honest.
“You know, when Sirius told me he had a brother, not a sister, we studied together about this. It was like, during the third year or so, but I still remember some things.” James explains, taking off Regulus’ binder, then looking away.
“Thanks.”
Regulus puts his t-shirt on, then puts on one of Sirius’ shorts that were on the floor. He thinks he probably looks a bit too much like Sirius now, but it’s fine. He loves looking like Sirius, just like the little girl does.
“You can look now.”
And James looks, and he seems to be mesmerized.
“You… you look amazing.”
“It’s just pajamas, James.”
“Well, you always look amazing. But you look a lot more when you’re comfortable.” He says, simply.
“Oh.”
“Yeah! Now, c’mon, let’s sleep.” James says, sitting on his bed and tapping on his side. “Just sleep, I promise.” As if he’d do anything else. James is the most honest man he knows, besides the pranks. He never did one prank that actually made the person show something intimate about themselves.
“Okay.” It’s all he can say, before he sits on James’ side.
“Reg” James calls, hugging Regulus.
“Yeah?”
“I love you the way you are.”
“I know, James. I love you too. Now, go sleep. We can talk about this tomorrow, okay? Not… not now.”
“Okay.” James smiles, laying down. Regulus does as well, and they fall asleep easily.