Peter is having a rough Christmas break.
A few days into the holidays, when he became unbearably bored, his mother asked him if he had any plans. Truth be told, he didn't. Being an only child meant he obviously didn't have any plans with a sibling, and he didn't have any cousins. Sirius was out of the question, and James would be travelling out of the country with his parents to visit his grandparents. Remus had a full coming up, which meant he was out of the question, and it's not like Peter would be his first choice of companion in that scenario anyway- and that's when the thought first occurs.
"No...I don't. I'm going to go flying for a bit, Mum. I'll be back later," he pushes the thought to the side.
Flying always helps clear his head, although not many people would know this. In first year, he struggled to get his broom up in almost every flying lesson, the others teased him about it lightheartedly for weeks. The small amount of embarrassment was enough for him to decide he'd keep flying as a private hobby, especially considering he still struggled with navigation.
There's a pulling in his chest as the thought from earlier bubbles to the top of his mind again. In a burst of confidence and a shake of his head, he renounces the idea, "Remus is my friend," he spoke aloud to himself. "I'm just as good as the others," he can't convince himself the words to be true. The others always reassured him that he was as close to them individually as they were to each other, but Peter couldn't shake his doubt.
He tries to push the thought aside for the remaining Christmas break, willing himself to believe it's just an insecurity, that there's no truth to it.
But no one responds to his letters. Even though James promised him at least one postcard from his travels, and he bought Remus a beautiful new writing set for his birthday.
But it's probably Peter's fault. Right?
He's overwhelmed them with messages and he's sure they'll have sound reasoning upon returning to Hogwarts.
The excitement Peter feels boarding the train after hugging his mother tightly and waving goodbye quickly vanishes at the sight of his friends.
Sirius has his face pressed into Remus' neck; for how rough Remus looks, Sirius looks ten times worse.
The smile is wiped from his face immediately.
"What's happened?" He drops his bag and kicks it towards an empty seat.
James, head in his hands, stands quickly.
"Pete!" he pushes Peter back out the cabin door and slides it behind them.
"Hey," James wears a sad smile, pulling Peter in for a hug, which the shorter boy gladly accepts.
"Hey, James, what's going on?" his voice is meek as he rubs a hand up and down the other's back.
James inhales deeply before responding.
"Something happened over the hols, something bad, Peter", his voice is quiet.
Peter's stomach sinks, "Is he okay?"
James shakes his head and the smile he's struggling to keep crumbles further as a few stray tears fall from his eyes. He wipes them away roughly, "no-no not really," he looks down, sighing and looking back up, this time wearing a crooked smile once more.
"But he will be," a deep breath, his voice stops shaking, and his smile grows more confident.
James' posture relaxes, and for a moment, they speak normally among all of the muted chaos.
"...Yeah, so Rem ended up coming over the day after the full; he's hardly had time to recover since he's been with Pads every day," James says it so normally, he's fraying the edge of his jumper, barely sparing a glance at Peter but the other boys' whole demeanour shifts.
"Wait- came over as in," he pauses to think for a moment, "James, did Sirius visit you?" He cuts James off through his shock. It was unheard of for Sirius to see them over any of the breaks.
"What- Oh yeah, yes. Sorry, Wormy, I forgot to mention that. Sirius is living with me now," He says it like Peter should know this information.
"Oh."
"Oh?"
"Good, that's good," Peter sighs in relief, processing the information.
"Merlin, Pete. You had me worried for a second-"
"And Remus came to yours, did you say?" Peter's face pinches up in confusion, cutting James off once more. Peter finds himself a little peeved by how put out James looks at being cut off, considering that's Peter's whole life with the other Marauders.
"Yes, Wormtail, keep up," James chuckles anyway, rolling his eyes in faux-exasperation.
"Oh," Peter knows he sounds different to the first time. There's disappointment in this exhale.
"Oh?" James' tone is bordering accusatory.
"After the-" Peter rubs his eyes with the palms of his hands, trying to make sense of this timeline.
"But the full was 3 weeks ago?" He settles on, the confidence draining from him as James looks more bothered.
"And?" James can't help but feel irritated. He's been through hell and back these last few weeks, doing everything he could for Sirius while trying not to drown in the feeling of shame that overwhelmed him. Letting his friend go back to that house in the first place has been ruining him since Sirius came crashing through his fireplace all those weeks ago.
"Well- I don't know. When were you going to tell me?" Peter's voice is so unsure and soft.
James falters a little but wants this conversation to end; he can't bear to dwell on the details any longer.
"Jeez, Pete, now. I was- you don't know how stressful this has been-"
"You never told me. How could I have known?"
"I didn't have time-"
"You told Remus?"
"Merlin Peter, of course, I told Remus!" he's breathing heavily.
"What does that mean?" Peter's voice takes on a humourless laugh.
James puts his head in his hands, fingers tugging at his hair before he snaps back, "It's Sirius. Of course I called Remus."
It finally clicks for Peter.
"And what about you?"
"What?" James is having trouble looking at the blonde boy, upset at being questioned.
"Who was there for you?" Peter feels sick knowing he wouldn't be the answer.
"I-" James exhales an exasperated chuckle, "I called Lily about a week ago."
There's silence.
"Right. Yeah, yeah, of course. Sorry, James," Peter curses himself inwardly for being such a coward.
"Just let me know what I can do," he sighs.
James finally looks up.
"Stop with the interrogation for a start," he mumbles, a cheeky grin comes to his face. Peter smiles back, a terrible feeling of misplacement in his stomach.
They go back inside the compartment.
The train ride is quiet. Peter spends most of it thinking about what he should have said. His feelings range from rage at being left in the dark and deep sorrow for upsetting his friend, considering options of apology.
It's only when they're unloading their belongings that Peter looks as his friends walk ahead, not bothering to see that they left him behind, struggling to find his case, that he realises maybe the thought he had at the start of break was accurate.
But they're his roommates, his friends, his companions. He has to spend another 3 years here with them.
"They want me. They need me," he grumbles to himself, flexing the fingers of his left hand anxiously, and he lugs his finally found suitcase into his right hand.
Sirius and Remus have been spending a lot of time together one on one.
Peter wouldn't mind, but it means his routine has changed. Twice a week, last term, he and Sirius would play a game of wizards chess. One night a week, he and Remus would study potions together in the library.
He wanders the halls after dinner in search of James. Surely, if his own routine has changed so much, it means James' had as well.
He finds James tucked away in an alcove on the 3rd floor with Lily Evan's.
He turns around, walking back to the common room silently.
Mary McDonald and Marlene McKinnon are sitting next to each other on the couch when he walks inside. Peter never really talked to their extended group, he found it difficult to jump into their conversations. The girls smile at him, he asks if the armchair near them is taken to which they offer it to him.
He sits and reads his potions book. It's pure gibberish to him. If Remus thought he was weak at potions then Peter was no match for the subject.
The girls keep to themselves, chatting quietly and giggling every so often.
When Peter's eyes start to droop, he resigns back to the room. Sirius can be seen from behind Remus' curtain, which is not a new sight.
He's awake when James comes into the room after curfew. Eye open, curtains closed. James is laughing breathily, Peter can practically see the heart eyes from where he is.
"Good night then, Prongs?" Peter doesn't expect this. Hadn't been anticipating the quiet voice in the silent room.
"She's just so perfect, Moony," he swoons. Peter can hear his steps towards Remus' bed.
He sits up, holding his breath so the others can't hear him.
"Merlin James, are you drunk?" Sirius' voice has Peter poking an eye out of his own curtain.
Are they all awake?
"On life, Padfoot. On life," he falls on top of them dramatically. It sends them both into a fit of muted laughter.
"And Firewhiskey I take it?" Remus laughs, reaching for his wand.
"Maybe...maybe a little," James giggles, holding a hand up to pinch his fingers together in an entirely inaccurate recalling of his alcohol consumption.
"Okay, hold on. Shut up, you idiot, you'll wake up, Peter," is the last thing Peter hears before the room is cast in silence once more.
Peter fully pokes his head out of his curtain. There's a golden glow coming from Remus's bed. James' legs hang off the side, but Sirius' hand appears for a moment to pull them up and presumably onto his lap before pulling the curtain closed again.
Peter's eyes can't tear away from the scene in front of him.
"Oh."