Summer 1972
Bang! The front door slammed against the wall and Regulus leapt up from his perch at the top of the stairs. They were home!
Regulus ran straight to his brother when Walburga and Sirius came through the front door. He ran faster than ever, almost flying down the stairs. He knocked over the trolls-foot umbrella stand in his hurry to see Sirius. He hadn’t heard one word from his brother since last September. Sirius had grown nearly 3 inches in a year, and towered even taller than Reggie remembered. His hair was longer, down to his chin. His face was pale and sharp, but grinning widely. Regulus couldn’t wait to hear all about Hogwarts- he had never been more excited in his life.
“Sirius!” He cried, racing to meet the older boy.
“Reg!” Sirius glanced up. They would have hugged, if their mother wasn’t looming, Regulus was sure. Or had things changed that much in a year? No, no. He brushed the thought away, fighting the hug building in him.
“Sirius, a word?” Walburga beckoned her eldest son with one pale finger. They disappeared together into the study, surely a bad sign. Regulus was left standing in the hallway on his own. So much for the reunion he hoped for- they had only said one word to each other.
He barely moved for an hour. An hour of muffled shouting and screaming. Sharp slaps that he could hear through the thick door. His legs were starting to ache. Regulus shifted his weight again. This was all happening too fast, he had only just got Sirius back and Walburga had snatched him even faster.
Fear spiked at Regulus’ heart. What had Sirius done? He was a Gryffindor, yes, but was that so bad? Of course it was, he told himself, the echo of his fathers stern voice behind his own thoughts. He must be Slytherin. They could only afford one disappointment in the family.
The door opened after a long time, or what felt like a long time to Regulus. He had been in that study many times since Sirius left a year ago. He knew what was going on. Walburga stalked out, heading for the dining room.
She stared at him. Her eyes were the same steely grey as his own, Sirius'. Regulus felt his hands shake, but Walburga was, mercifully, already gone.
Regulus rushed into the study, finding Sirius stood in the room, jaw slack, his eyes slightly red. His fists were clenched tightly. He had been crying. Sirius always hated people seeing him cry.
“Sirius?”
“Go away Reg.”
Sirius brushed past, running his hand through his hair oddly. He never used to do that. His hair was messed up, but Sirius seemed to like that. The boy went upstairs with no other words, locking the door to his room.
Regulus had nothing else to do but follow dolefully. The sad puppy following his cool big brother. But Sirius shouted and slammed the door when Reg went knocking. Regulus didn’t know what to do. He sat on the floor, his back against the wall. He had planned everything- a hug and once they got through dinner, they could go up to Sirius’ room. Sirius would tell him all about Hogwarts and magic and the lessons and the books. They could make plans for when Regulus was going to start. He could imagine bragging about having a second year brother to all of the others! They would meet up and Sirius could help him with the homework- he had always been the smart one. Regulus might even get into some lessons with his brother! But no. Now he was sat here outside the door like an unwanted stray, while Sirius did whatever Sirius was doing.
Reg knuckled his eyes and stood up, shutting himself in his own room.
6 more weeks and he would be on the train, not left behind this time. They would be best friends- almost like the running away games they played as little children. Reg scoffed at those old games because now, now, they were running away for real. Regulus and Sirius against the world, like it always had been.
Right?
He had pushed all the anger and the sadness and the loneliness of the past year out for Sirius’ return. But now his plan had failed, he felt all those emotions pouring back in. The jealousy and emptiness rushed at him like sharp-taloned birds. He sat on his bed, fighting the urge to cry. He used to cry a lot, when Sirius was still here to protect him, to divert attention away from his little brother. After Sirius had left, left Reg all alone, Regulus had had to learn that you can’t cry. Crying was a weakness and crying was forbidden. He knew what happened what you did cry. He felt it. The curses never really left.
The next day, Sirius was louder and more obnoxious than ever. He said crazy things and wound up father, though he wouldn’t dare do that to Walburga. He set off a stink-bomb and tied his long hair back with a rubber band, sticking his wand in it. Thank Merlin Walpurga was away for work.
It stung that Sirius ignored his brother, that he pretended Reg wasn’t there at all. However, that night, Reg’s bedroom door opened and he felt the mattress move as Sirius climbed on.
“Reg?” Sirius was freezing. “I know you’re awake. I wanted to tell you about me and James’ latest prank”
Regulus’ curiosity got the better of him.
“Who’s James?”
He could see the whites of Sirius’ eyes in the dark.
“What do you mean, “Who’s James?” Haven’t you been getting my letters?”
Letters? Sirius had sent letters? Hope sparkled in Regulus’ chest. So his brother hadn’t forgotten him after all?
“That cow. She didn’t give you my letters- oh my god Reg you don’t know anything, do you? I wrote every week all about Hogwarts and James- my best friend. I have a friend called Remus too- though he’s quiet and kinda scary. And Peter- I don’t like him- irritating. He thinks he's James' best friend but he's wrong I am. Evans is annoying too. OH! And Snape! I’ll have to tell you all about him…”
Suddenly the floodgates were open and Sirius was talking talking talking. There was no more room for Reg in his sentences, his stories, his life. Regulus felt very small laid in the dark next to Sirius. His brother had a life, had friends. Had everything that Regulus didn’t have. Sirius seemed suddenly… too big.
Jealousy was sharp in his chest. Reg felt it tighten around his heart.
And suddenly he hated hated James Potter. Hated this boy with messy hair and “wicked” humour for stealing his brother away. They couldn’t be best friends- that spot was already filled. or was Regulus that forgettable?
For six weeks all he heard about was James Potter. Occasionally Sirius would mention some scary boy named Lupin and another boy called Peter. But mainly, it was James, James, James. Regulus was sick of the name after the first night, nevermind weeks of it.
Of course, Sirius couldn’t mention his friends around Orion and Walburga. He would still be loud and arrogant and annoying, but he didn’t dare mention his friends. The word Gryffindor was a dangerous taboo- a line not even Sirius dared to cross.
Regulus barely spoke at meals anyway. He had learnt that being quiet meant less trouble. So he taught himself to be quiet, moving like a ghost. He taught himself to wear a mask, and he acted the way they wanted him to act. It was easier that way.
“I can’t believe you’re so quiet all the time Reggie! I can’t be quiet- but Lupin is silent. He’s like a ghost floating around the castle. Scares me half to death sometimes! James can’t be quiet either- he’s even louder than me sometimes but on a broom he’s all focused…..”
And it went on. Every topic apparently linked with Lupin or James or Snape in some way. Reg was sick of it.
“I am not looking forward to seeing Snape again y’know. Wait until you meet him Reg, honestly. Slimeball.”
One week before the train left, Regulus was called into the study. Walburga sat behind the desk, her hands steepled. Reg willed himself to stay still as her eyes roved over him. He barely breathed.
“I have your school things here.”
“Thank you mother.” He said stiffly.
“Regulus. You must not be another disappointment. We can’t have that. You will be the Black you brother was supposed to be. You will carry the Black family name”
What did that mean? They were replacing Sirius with him? Sirius was a disappointment? Regulus was heir? He didn't even want any of that.
He nodded, taking the small pile of books and robes with him and leaving the room without another word. Walburga watched with her grey eyes- the same eyes that both Sirius and Regulus had.
Once back in his room, he finally breathed. Regulus placed his school things into the Black family trunk at the foot of his bed. It had been there since Sirius first left almost a whole year ago.He had wanted to pack for weeks. Seven more days.
Regulus felt like an entirely different person now.
Thoughts swirled around his head about Walburga, Sirius, James, magic, Hogwarts, scary Lupin, Orion, disappointment…
“Reg I forgot to tell you about the fanged frisbee attack!” Sirus burst into the room. He spoke fast, words running together in Reg’s frazzled mind. Too loud, Too loud. Too loud.
“Sirius! Can you ... not. Can you not, please!”
His brother paused mid-sentence, his mouth hanging open comically.
Reg sat back on the bed, everything oozing out of his tired body. They were the most words he had said to Sirius, who babbled none stop.
“What?”
“Just don’t want to hear about you and James bloody Potter right now.”
“You have a problem with James?” Sirius puffed up, instantly defensive. Reg missed when Sirius was defending him. Why wasn’t Sirius defending him anymore?
“Yes..no…It’s just. Sirius, you left me” He admitted.
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“But I had to. It’s not my fault!”
“It’s your fault you haven’t stopped talking about James Potter all summer”
“But h-he's my best friend. I want you to meet him.”
“Maybe I don’t want to meet him, Sirius.”
Sirius blinked, then left the room. On his way out, he mumbled something. Something that Regulus didn’t catch. Something that sounded like “I just wanted to tell you Reg”.
The next week passed with nothing more than awkward dinners and the brother occasionally bumping into each other around the house. There were no more midnight talks. Or whispers in the library.
In all honesty, Regulus found the break from the name “James” a welcome one.