Theatre History
Regulus wasn’t sure how to feel as he trudged up the stairs to his first theatre history class. Theatre history classes all happened on Saturday, being the only course in the school to only have a single teacher for the subject. He was some bloke who spent most of time teaching at NYU, but hopped on over for the weekends to talk about ancient Greek plays. And because this course was taught by only one teacher they seemed to be loaning out from a much larger school, it was also the only course in first year where students from multiple sections had classes together. He had hoped he’d get Pandora’s section, section 5. Instead, his section had been paired with section 3. The only person he knew was in that section was his roommate.
Regulus had debated waiting for Remus before leaving in the morning. It was probably the kind thing to do, something he’d do to be a good roommate. But Regulus was the type who needed to be at least fifteen minutes early to every class if he could manage it. He had learned Remus was much more the type to roll out of bed ten minutes before. How Remus even managed to get ready in time for classes was baffling to Regulus, but he supposed it wasn’t his issue. Remus had been a surprisingly good roommate so far, knowing when to make polite conversation and when to leave him the fuck alone so he could focus. They had fallen into a habit of bringing each other tea when they made it, something that started as just Remus putting a bit too much water in the kettle and offering some to Regulus as the fellow Brit on the floor, which of course Regulus then had to reciprocate, throwing them into a cycle of tea sharing. And each night they’d just sit in their bunks reading in silence for hours. All in all Regulus considered himself lucky to have gotten the taller boy as a roommate so he couldn’t complain too harshly on the other’s sleeping patterns.
Regulus wasn’t shocked to find he was one of the first in the class. There were two other students, one girl from his section and a boy from the other. He took a seat a couple rows back and pulled out his notebook and a binder containing a printed copy of the play Ajax, which would be the first show they were discussing. Regulus had a love for ancient Greek literature and history, so he was honestly looking forward to this discussion.
Slowly more students began trickling in. Lily took up the seat next to him when she came in, a large cup of coffee from the shop across the street in her hand. She looked like a bit of a mess, her red hair wild and clothes mismatched. Regulus had learned early on in their classes that Lily was certainly not a morning person. She thrived in their evening classes, being one of the brightest in their section. Morning Lily, well she was more there to survive.
All seemed to be shaping up for an ordinary day, some discussion Greek poetry with a bunch of half asleep 20-somethings. But then he heard a voice. A voice that was familiar to him, all too familiar to him. One he had honestly assumed he’d never hear again.
“I did do the reading, I’m not an idiot, James. I just have no clue how anyone’s supposed to understand this stuff,” The voice was entering the room, evidently talking to James Potter. Regulus stiffened, in that moment regretting ever allowing himself to feel comfortable, to not investigate James further when he first heard the boy’s name.
“It’s really not that hard, mate,” Regulus could tell James was grinning without even daring to look his direction. “I mean it’s not like we’re reading it in Greek, it’s all translated.”
“But it’s all like gods and war and-” The voice stopped as did the footsteps. Stopped too close to Regulus, who kept his head buried in his notebook as if it would become an invisibility cloak for him.
“You alright Sirius?” James saying the name made Regulus wish even more he could just sink into the ground. There it was. Confirmation.
“Cassiopeia?” The voice, Sirius’s voice sounded shocked. “Cass, is that you?”
This was not the first time in his life that Regulus had wished he had magical powers. The ability to disappear away to somewhere safe. The ability to turn back time. But alas, Regulus was just an ordinary person and there was no magic coming to save him here. So he did the only thing he could do. He lied.
“Sorry, I don’t know who that is,” Regulus refused to even look up from his notebook. He knew that the moment he made eye contact it would be over. He convinced himself if he just kept looking down, if he never saw Sirius, then this moment would never become real.
“Cass, it’s me. It’s-” Sirius’s voice carried hurt. But he paused and when he started again it was empty of all inflection. A skillset both boys knew well, it was a needed skill to have in their household growing up afterall, “It’s Sirius.”
“Nice to meet you Sirius,” Regulus forced out, matching Sirius’s empty tone. “My name is Regulus. I don’t know who you’re talking about.”
Sirius was clearly about to continue, when their theatre history teacher walked in and told the room to sit down so they could begin. Regulus held his breath as Sirius hesitated, rooted in his spot. Eventually, after what felt like ages but was probably only a few seconds, Regulus saw out of his peripheral vision as James began tugging Sirius away to sit in a row behind him. Only once he was a bit farther away did Regulus dare to glance up. All those years spent wondering what had happened, how Sirius was able to so easily be taken from him. And now he gets to watch in real time as James Potter pulls his brother away from him.
He can sense Lily’s confused gaze on him. He doesn’t know what he can do, what explanation to offer her, so he doesn’t. Instead he locks his gaze onto the tall American man at the front of the room as he fumbles to pull up a slide show on his laptop. Ignoring the concern of the red head next to him, ignoring the sense of eyes staring him down from the row behind him, most of all ignoring the swirling pit of emotions filling his mind.
_________________________________________________________
James keeps his arm around Sirius’s shoulders long after he’s managed to pull him into a seat in the back of the class. He gets the sense if lets go Sirius will fly away, or explode, or disappear. So he keeps his arm there, as if by keeping his arm around Sirius he will be able to hold the boy together and keep the boy from falling apart.
Meanwhile James’s own head is swirling. Regulus is the sister James has heard so much about, listened to Sirius sob about leaving for years. Or he’s not. He is Regulus, Sirius’s younger brother. A fact Sirius evidently didn’t know. So of course James couldn’t have known. Yet he still feels an intense amount of guilt. He should’ve pushed more, should’ve looked into Regulus Black the moment he felt concerned, shouldn’t have brushed it all off as a coincidence so easily. I mean here’s Sirius next to him physically, but with eyes that show he is so much farther away. His brother in all but blood being absolutely crushed. The look of absolute devastation on Sirius’s face as he pulled him away from Regulus who had refused to even look at Sirius was an image James wished he could scrub out of his mind. An image he wished had never taken place. An image he could’ve prevented had he not been such an idiot.
And Sirius wasn’t the only person involved in this. There was Regulus. James may not know Regulus very well, but he had never seen the boy like that in any of their classes. So shut down, so closed off, so small. Regulus had always seemed so confident in class; not in a way that he needed to show off, but just assured. He wasn’t loud and bold in the way James was. He didn’t put on a face to show to everyone else the way James always did, as if being the brightest in the room would give him a reason to be there. No, Regulus just knew he belonged there. It was like he could sense how much everyone in the room wished they could talk to him, but kept up an air of mystery simply because the rest of them weren’t worth the effort.
So it was unsettling to see the boy crouch in on himself. Still now, an hour into their eternally long theatre history class the boy seemed as if he thought making himself as small as he could would make him disappear. James watched as Regulus moved his pen over his notebook like he was writing notes. But his page hadn’t turned once and frankly James wasn’t even sure he had clicked the pen to allow it to write.
So James felt conflicted. Because of course he has an obligation to Sirius and Sirius should be his sole focus in this moment. But all James could seem to think of was Regulus. Regulus who grew up in the same household James heard horror stories of. The household that still had Sirius waking up in terror from nightmares to this day. Regulus who had to stay alone to deal with it. Sirius had always assured James that was ok, it was for the best really. That Cass- that Regulus- that Sirius’s sibling had always been so well behaved and perfect and the family’s favorite. That no harm would ever come to them. But Sirius hadn’t known his sibling was trans. How long had Regulus had to pretend? What happened when he couldn’t? How much shit did Sirius just set fire to in Regulus’s brain by strolling in and saying a name that wasn’t his?
Because in the end Sirius had James. He would always have James. And after this unplanned family reunion he would need James, need someone to be there for him in his corner. And James would be, no questions asked. But James couldn’t stop the way his eyes stayed glued to Regulus as he wondered… Does Regulus have anyone in his corner?
__________________________________________________________
Sirius was about ready to set the room on fire if it meant this goddamn class was finished. Sitting there, listening to this professor drone on and on about the start of theatre as he felt like his whole world had crashed apart was not exactly how he wanted to spend his Saturday. When finally they were allowed to pack their stuff Sirius immediately broke free from James’s grip on his shoulders, making an immediate beeline toward his sibling. It appeared they had the same idea, having left the room in the blink of an eye.
He distantly hears James call out to him but he’s already sprinting down the stairs. When he finally is able to catch up they’ve reached the lobby, a crowd of people in front of the door having slowed the object of his pursuit. He reaches out and grabs the sleeve of the green sweater in front of him.
“Sirius let me go,” The response was quiet and harsh.
“Oh so now you know who I am?” Sirius on the other hand was anything but, his loud voice carrying through the large lobby. Some of the people straggling between classes had stopped to glance at the pair. “I thought you were some stranger!”
“Please Siri-” the boy in front of him looked so small as his voice cracked. “Don’t do this. I can’t do this right now.”
It felt like Sirius could see for the first time since he had walked into class this morning. All his anger and feelings of betrayal subsided in that moment. He never could stay mad at the younger one. And in this moment Sirius saw fear and sadness behind the gray eyes he was looking into. A look he had seen in those eyes many times before, but never one that he had wanted to cause.
So Sirius Black froze. His hand fell limply to his side as the person in front of him pulled their arm free. The person being simultaneously a stranger and the person Sirius knew like the back of his hand. His brother, it would seem. And he watched as this stranger who he cared for more than anyone in the world turned around and left through the large glass doors of the lobby. Watches as his brother spares a fearful glance back before continue to rush down the sidewalk away from Sirius.
Sirius never wanted to be something for the younger one to have to fear. They both had enough of that in their life. Sirius was supposed to be safe. But he had abandoned the person he was meant to protect, left him to fend for himself against the monsters of their lives. And it appears he has, made it all the way to New York after all. Got into one of the oldest acting schools in the world. And now here Sirius came, becoming a new monster to fear.
The eyes on him suddenly felt like daggers, piercing through every piece of him. It felt like they could all see, they all knew the darkness that hid inside every piece of Sirius’s soul. He was sure James was probably there too, but Sirius couldn’t bring himself to look at the people surrounding him. Couldn’t bring himself to check and see if James had finally given up on him, finally seen Sirius for what he truly is. Someone who wrecks everything he touches. So Sirius did what he does best. He ran. Took off sprinting out the door and into the streets of NYC, no clue where he was going, but just knowing he needed to get away from here.