Sirius sat on the bathroom floor, staring, neck strained, up at the shelf above the sink.
His knuckles had long turned white, grasping tightly to the fingers of his other hand.
His knees screamed with pain from being squeezed up to his chest for so long.
He couldn’t remember how long he had been sitting there.
He couldn’t remember sitting down. He couldn’t remember what time of day it was. He couldn’t remember when he had last seen another soul.
Sirius had been left, cold and alone. Remus had walked out one day, after another screaming argument, and had never returned.
It was probably for the best, Sirius had been certain their relationship had been beyond toxic, they argued almost daily (mostly his own fault) and they had been dangerously close to breaking up for weeks before it had actually happened.
Either way, Sirius hadn’t seen anyone apart from the old lady who lived across the hall from him, he has a vague memory her name is Mrs Figg, since Remus had left.
James and Lily were away on an extended holiday, Regulus rarely contacted him anyway, and he had lost his job the same week Remus had left.
Sirius had been sulking around his small London flat ever since, at a loss for what to do with himself.
As unhealthy their relationship had been, Sirius loved Remus, and he had gotten very comfortable with being around him. Yes they had their problems, but when all was said and done, they were in love, and had been since year 10. They had learnt about life together, learnt to love together but in the end they had also learnt to hate each other.
The thing that tipped it other the edge, the last argument that was the last straw and made Remus walk out, never to return had been simple. Or so Sirius had thought.
It was a sunny Friday in May. Sirius had just got back from a walk around the local park, trying to keep himself busy after losing his job that Tuesday. He had unlocked the front door, expecting to see an empty flat, Remus wasn’t supposed to be home for another three hours yet. Instead, he was greeted by Remus, hands on hips, pacing over the thick Moroccan rug that adorned the living area floor.
“Hey, Re, I wasn't expecting you home so soon, everything alright?” Sirius had asked softly, unnerved by the way Remus’ eyebrows knitted themselves together.
“No, everything is not alright Sirius!” Snapped Remus, stopping in his tracks and turning to face his boyfriend.
“Okay… what’s going on? Can I help at all?” Sirius replied nervously, hoping to whatever Deity was out there that it wasn’t his fault.
His prayers were not answered however as Remus had taken a step forwards, raised his right hand, finger pointing directly at Sirius’ chest and said,
“No. You can’t help Sirius. You can’t help at all! Not when everything you touch somehow turns to fucking crap!”
Hurt and shocked by Remus’ sudden outburst and raised voice, Sirius responded in kind; “Well I guess I can’t help if you won’t tell me what’s wrong Remus! I don’t try to ruin stuff, it’s not always my fault!”
“Of course it’s not your fault, Sirius! Nothing ever is with you!” James roared.
“How am I meant to know if it’s my fault or not if you wont even tell me what it is!” Sirius exclaimed, gesturing wildly, desperate to regain some semblance of control.
Sirius never did get control back, the screaming back and forth continued for another hour or so, eventually resulting in Sirius leaving the room, to shelter in their shared bedroom. While sat leaning against the headboard, Sirius heard the slam of the front door and the jangle and clunk of Keys being posed through the letterbox.
That had been the last time he had seen the man he thought he was going to marry.
Sirius just wandered around the flat since then. He couldn't sleep at night, he missed Remus’ sleeping form. He couldn’t go to the shops, he needed Remus to hold the shopping list. He couldn’t cook any meals, they all reminded him of dinner with Remus.
So he had just wandered. Pottering here and there, sleeping on the couch and picking at what little was left to eat in the fridge.
That’s what brought Sirius here. To the bathroom floor, staring up at the razor sitting on the shelf.
He knew what he needed to do, he just didn’t know if he had the strength to do it.
Unclasping his hands from where they shook on his knees, he reached up, picked up the heavy silver tool and brought it down to eye level.
He turned it over in his hands a few times, running a finger softly over the sharp edge. He could almost imagine what it would feel like. The blade running along his skin, blood bubbling to the surface, his thoughts slipping away to black as he fell into the endless calm abyss.
Unscrewing the head, he slowly took apart the razor, gently removing the blade from the centre.
Holding the small rectangle of metal tightly in one hand, he brought his other hand up to meet it, placing the edge, vertically, on the soft veins of the inside of his wrist.
Sirius’ mind raced, he remembered all of the things Remus had told him, and had asked him to do over the years. ‘Talk to me when things get bad, Sirius’, ‘You’re not alone, I’ll always be there for you Sirius’ and ‘I’ll do anything to keep you safe Sirius’.
Well now he was alone, he had nobody to keep him safe and he had nobody to talk to.
He took a deep breath.
He knew exactly what he needed to do, he just needed to gather the strength to do it.
Increasing the pressure on his delicate skin, Sirius began to see tiny red specks litter the edge of the blade. He increased the pressure again, this time creating a thicker stream of red liquid.
He applied more pressure and pulled the blade slowly down the length of his forearm. He watched intently as blood poured from the gash he had created, covering his fingers with the sticky fluid.
Sirius stared at his arm as blood continued to gush from his flesh, pooling in the crook of his elbow and dripping onto the floor. He looked down to see the slowly growing puddle of his own blood on the bathroom tiles where he used to brush his teeth with the love of his life.
Still watching as the deep red liquid poured out of his skin, Sirius noticed his vision beginning to darken, a faint vignette covering his sight. Relief washed over him in a wave.
It was finally over,
He had known what he needed to do, and in the end he did have the strength.
Sirius began to feel himself losing consciousness. His hearing dipped in and out, the dripping of the tap becoming faint for a moment, then deafening, he felt pins and needles in his feet and hands, wiggling them sending a sharp tingle up his limbs.
With a deep breath in, Sirius slid down from sitting up to lying on the bathroom floor, a deep feeling of satisfaction and relief filling his quickly emptying veins.
Sirius closed his eyes, he could feel his breathing becoming laboured, each breath taking more and more effort. His thoughts became foggy, and his body went numb. With a smile, Sirius drifted into the dark.
Remus banged on the door for a third time again to no answer. Cursing himself for giving up his key, he reached for his phone, unlocked it and found the name he wanted in his contacts.
The phone rang.
Pressing his ear to the door, Remus could faintly hear Sirius’ ringtone coming from inside.
Suddenly there was a creak from behind him, Remus turned around to see Mrs Figg stood, leaning heavily on her walking stick.
“Oh I’m so sorry Remus love, I’m so sorry for your loss.” The woman offered a kind smile to Remus, an element of sadness to her expression.
“What are you talking about? I’ve not lost anyone? I just need to get my stuff back from Sirius.”