This is not a romance story. This is a short story about a bunch of boys getting drunk and harassing Harry about his virginity. I might come back and make it a longer story later, who knows. It’s just a bit of fun.
I always found it funny that Harry was a virgin to the end. But it was a children’s story so there was that. Still… I was listening to Madonna’s ‘Like A Virgin’ and this story came to me. Enjoy.
Hphphp
Harry Potter, Ronald Weasley, Seamus Finnigan, Dean Thomas and Neville Longbottom were all sitting in the dorm room talking about the end of the war. It was their eighth year, well seventh for Ron and Harry, and they were trying to relax. It had been a harrowing year the year before for all of them. They almost hadn't come back for their final year, but they needed to repeat it because the year before had not been a learning experience for anyone. Not academic wise, anyway. Everyone of them had learned how to survive a war.
“So, Harry, tell me. Who was your latest conquest?” Dean Thomas asked, having gone through most of the polite conversational topics. They were quite drunk now. Someone has snuck in the firewhiskey, and they had been drinking it liberally. Dean was quite toasted and was in the process of drinking himself blind.
“What do you mean?” asked Harry, not quite as drunk as everybody else. He had only been sipping his firewhiskey. He was quite magically powerful and did not want to lose control. He had heard bad things happen when powerful wizards got drunk, and he didn’t want anything bad to happen to him and his dormmates. At least not on the first night back. Maybe on graduation night.
“You know, who was your last lover?” Dean asked, slurring his words a little bit. He pointed his glass at Harry. A bit of the reddish amber liquid sloshed over it and spilled on his bed. The house elves were going to be working overtime in this room tomorrow.
“I have no idea what you're talking about. I haven't had time for a lover,” said Harry, confused about this line of questioning. Was this Normally what boys talked about? He wouldn't know. He didn't generally join in their conversations. He was usually shunned, or they were angry at him, or something was going on where he was just not a part of the discussion. He was usually hidden behind his curtains.
“You mean not even Ginny?” asked Ron, genuinely flabbergasted. He knew his feisty sister was not one to put off what she wanted. And she wanted Harry Potter. That and he knew for a fact that his baby sister was not a virgin. Much to his displeasure.
“Of course not,” said Harry, affronted that he would even ask. “I was waiting for marriage.” It had been his plan all along. He thought that was everybody's plan. Wasn't that what you were normally supposed to do? That's what he was taught by the Dursleys. Then again, the Dursleys weren't the epitome of goodness. But that's what they taught in the church that the Dursleys had dragged him to. Marriage first then sex, that was the way of things, right?
That, of course, shocked all the other boys because Ginny was not known to wait. Even her brother knew that.
“You mean to tell me; you were alone in that tent with Hermione for almost a year and you never you know?” Seamus asked, more than drunk. He was totally sloshed, but he was sobering up for the conversation. He wanted to understand what was happening. So, he sent a Sobering Spell to his head with his wand, missing the first few times, but tapping his head the third time. The spell hit and he was clearheaded. He took a drink because it was firewhiskey and he was Seamus.
“Hermione!? No. She's like a sister to me,” the perpetually messy headed teen said, a look of horror dawning on his face. He never even thought about kissing Hermione. He had held her close and danced with her and helped her through her sadness when Ron left, but he had never once thought about bedding her. That was just wrong on so many levels.
“Come on, man. You’re human. You must have thought about it at some point in time. It must have been uncomfortable,” Seamus said, making rude gestures towards his crotch.
“No, we were more involved in what we were hunting than thinking of things like that. Besides, she was thinking of Ron the whole time,” Harry said, pointing towards Ron. There was a look of disgust and a bit of hate in that look, but it vanished quickly enough that most missed it.
“You mean to tell me you didn't even kiss?” Ron said with an accusation in his tone. He still, at this point in time, didn’t believe Hermione and Harry never got up to anything. He believed they had been lovers behind his back. Harry was the Boy-Who-Lived, he got everything. Even the girl.
“What? No,” Harry said indignantly. He still couldn't get over the fact that Ron didn't trust him. There was always going to be an element of distrust between the two of them. They would never be the best friends that they once were. “For the last time, I have never had a lover,” he stated firmly.
“Wait, wait, wait. Harry, are you trying to tell us that you're a virgin?” asked Neville, who was still very tipsy. He was leaning over to the side very dangerously, and he was about to fall off his bed.
“Yes, of course. You mean to tell me you're not?” Harry asked, confused. He was pretty sure that if anybody was a virgin in this room, it would have been Neville.
“No, I lost my virginity in fourth year. We are in a co-ed boarding school. Of course I lost my virginity,” the sandy-haired boy said, looking around the room like it was something that everybody was supposed to have done. They all nodded in agreement, and then looked at Harry as if he were the strange one.
“I don't understand,” said Harry.
“Harry, Harry, Harry, how could you have gone seven years in a co-ed boarding school and not lost your virginity? Being the Boy-Who-Lived at that?” the drunk Dean asked, like it was an impossibility.
“Maybe it was because I am the Boy-Who-Lived that I didn't lose my virginity,” the messy-hair teen ventured. It was the only thing that he could think of. That or Dumbledore scared them all off. That manipulative old man would do something like that. Nothing to keep him from walking to his death. A woman would do that. Ginny notwithstanding.
“How do you figure that?” the confused black boy asked, squinting his bloodshot eyes at him.
“People were too scared of me,” the other boy said with a shrug. Not that he believed that, but…
“That doesn't make a lick of sense. More people would be throwing themselves at you. Remember Romilda Vane?” Ron said, shivering as it thought to the love potion and how it almost killed him in the long run.
“Yep, that was a love potion, not a lust potion. She wanted to marry me, not to bed me. I'm sure she's not the only one who tried either,” Harry said, looking at his friend was sympathy. That had been quite scary in the end. If Slughorn hadn’t been there, Ron would have died. Then again, Slughorn was the one who had the poisoned alcohol.
“How did you avoid all of it then?” Seamus asked, looking at him with doubt. He didn’t believe that Harry was potioned all that much.
“Sheer dumb luck,” was the answer.
“You do seem to have an abundance of that,” the Irish boy nodded in agreement.
“Harry, we're just gonna have to get you laid,” the still intoxicated Dean stated, taking a drink from his glass. He then grabbed the bottle of firewhiskey and poured everybody else another drink. Slopping it all over everybody's bed. The whole room reeked of whiskey by now.
“And how do you supposed we go about doing that?” Harry asked. He took a sip from his glass. He didn't want to appear ungrateful that somebody went through the effort of smuggling the bottle in. Yet, he didn’t want to be belligerent like Dean either.
“Harry, my lad, we will figure out a way,” Seamus stated, getting behind the idea. He thought it was a great idea, finding Harry a girlfriend and getting him laid. He didn't want his friend to die a virgin. And the way Harry almost died every year, that was a distinct possibility.
“Well, who do you think a likely candidate will be, my boys?” Dean Thomas asked, looking at the other four occupants in the room.
“Well, I can tell you right here, right now, Hermione Granger will be right out,” Harry said firmly. There was no way he was ever going to look at her any other way except as a sister. She was his best friend and that was that.
“What about Ginny? Aren't you going to get back with her?” asked Ron. He was still hoping for a marriage on that front. Harry Potter in his family would be a boon. With the death of Fred having Harry Potter in the family would be a great addition. It would cheer his mom up greatly if there was a marriage. And she already loved Harry as one of her own.
“I'm not sure,” said Harry, not looking Ron in the eyes. “There's a lot going on there that I'm not sure about.” There was something about Ginny that made him uneasy. Maybe it was her hero worshiping. The things she said when they broke it off... Maybe it was the rumors that he heard about her. He wasn't sure, but there was just something off about her.
“But you were boyfriend and girlfriend for almost a year,” protested the youngest male Weasley.
“There were some things she said beyond the sixth year that I was uncomfortable with. Besides, I learned a few things about her that make me leery of her,” Harry hedge, still not looking his friend in the eye.
“That's all right. I understand. There are things about her that I am uncomfortable with too, and I'm her brother,” Ron said, laughing it off, and dropping the subject for now. He didn't want to have it out with all the other blokes in the room anyway. He would talk to Harry in private.
“Too right,” the tipsy Neville said, finally giving up the ghost and falling off the bed.
Everybody laughed uproariously and helped him sit back upon the bed. It took a good five minutes for them to get sorted out, and then everybody was back on their beds with another glass of firewhiskey.
“Anyway,” said Seamus, bringing them back to topic, “that’s two birds that are out, but there are many other women in this castle that are likely candidates.” He lifted two fingers to show that many out for the count.
“I can't believe that we are talking about women as if they are dinner selections,” Harry stated with a sigh. He had been hoping that they would drop this conversation. He was quite content with the way things were.
“Well, I mean, there's Susan Bones,” Dean stated, his bloodshot eyes roaming over his roommates. Then he leered as the image of the buxom redhead filled his head.
“Isn't she dating that bloke from Ravenclaw?” Neville asked, brushing off some firewhiskey that had spilled down the front of his shirt. He lifted his head and looked at Dean for the answer.
“Nah, they broke up last week,” Dean stated, waving his glass around triumphantly as if he were proud of that fact.
“Well, she's quite the looker. She's definitely well developed,” Ron said, holding his hands out in front of his chest, showing just how developed she was.
“I wouldn't mind going for her myself,” Seamus said, with a wink and a chuckle.
“But she's saving herself for marriage. That's one of the reasons why her Ravenclaw boyfriend broke up with her,” Dean said, with an exaggerated frown, it kind of defeated the purpose of the reason of setting Harry up. In his addled brain.
“Well, she sounds like a perfect match for me,” said Harry, smiling brightly. He liked that idea.
“I thought that was one of the things we were trying to break you from,” said Neville, swaying slightly to the side again and frowning at Harry.
“That's what you guys are saying, that’s not what I'm saying,” said Harry, pointing his finger to each of the other boys.
“Oh, right,” said the no longer shy teen, a confused look on his face.
“But we really need to get you laid. What if you die tomorrow? Do you really wanna die a virgin?” Ron asked, with exaggerated fear. He couldn’t fathom the thought.
“I have no problem dying a virgin,” said Harry, primly. It didn't bother him in the least. Technically he did die a virgin already.
“What if the Daily Prophet gets ahold of it?” Ron said, holding up his finger triumphantly.
“What if they do? What are they gonna say? Harry Potter's a virgin? How is that gonna validify me? Is that going to make the public hate me even less? I think it would make the public like me even more, come to think of it,” Harry said, looking at him with a confused look on his face. He didn't understand why the boy was triumphant about it.
“I suppose you're right,” said Seamus.
“I still don't think it's right that I am not a virgin, and you are,” said Neville, taking a drink from his firewhiskey. It was as if he was reliving something that was slightly traumatic.
“It’s not my fault you gave into temptation. Then again, you were young. How could you give up your virginity at a young age? Who did you give it up to anyway?” the messy-haired teen asked. It had been something that had been bugging him since Neville said it in the first place. Fourth year Neville was a pudgy clumsy mess. He couldn’t understand why anybody would want to have sex with him.
“Katie Bell,” was the hesitant answer. Neville was still pretty tipsy, and his emotions were shining through.
“She was, what, two/three years older than you?” Harry asked, shocked. He would have never thought Katie Bell would have done such a thing.
“Yeah, I don't know why she did what she did, but she said it was an initiation of some sort,” the other boy explained, trying to remember through the alcohol haze.
“But you weren't even on the Quidditch team,” Harry said, still confused because that would be the only initiation he could think of.
“I know. I don't know what it was about. She just grabbed me one day and threw me down and said I was being initiated.” The boy was squinting and thinking hard, then he got a dopey look on his face and grinned.
“That doesn't make any sense.”
“I know, but that's the way it went.”
“Weird.”
“Did you tell anybody?” asked Ron. That was not how he lost his. He was told that he was being given a special treat. It was to one of the sixth year Gryffindor girls when he was in fourth year. So, this was the year Harry was being shunned by the entire school all the dormmates were being… initiated. He wondered if it was because Harry was being avoided. That would make some sense. In a twisted way. If the boys bragged about it, it would hurt him. But Harry wasn’t listening to them that year. He spent most of his time trying to live/survive.
“No. That was the first time it happened to me,” Neville said, taking a long swig from his glass. “Wasn't the last, and I'm not gonna tell you about anymore, but it was the first time. I have to tell you, it scared me to death. At first. But I had a great time in the end, so I didn't tell anybody. She talked me through it, so it was OK.” His face got dopey again in remembrance.
“I'm not sure how I feel about that,” said Harry. To him it sounded pretty close to statutory rape. Then again, Katie Bell would have been underage at that time, too.
“It's OK,” said Neville, still grinning like a fool.
“I'm not sure it is,” said Harry. “But I'll let it go. It's done and over with now. They're not doing it any longer, are they?” He really hoped not, because if something like that was still going on at Hogwarts, he was gonna have to do something about it. He'd get Hermione in on it. She’d put a stop to it. There wasn’t a crusade that would stop her. She was still trying to free house elves. She was going to get a job at the ministry to do just that.
“No, I don't think so. That group is gone now. And there aren’t any other girls to replace them,” the sandy-haired boy said, drinking the last of his glass. He held it out to Dean to get some more.
The other boy was more than happy to comply.
“Well, that's good,” said Harry. He was going to investigate it anyway. He didn't like the sound of it at all.
“Anyway, we're not talking about them and Neville’s emotional scars. We're talking about Harry and his virginity,” Dean said drunkenly. He didn't like the idea of his friend being a virgin still, and the drunker he got, the more he didn't like it.
“Must we? I thought we were over this conversation.” Harry sighed heavily.
“No. We’re not. Are we going to make you? Are we going to have you lose your virginity or are you saving it for marriage?” The black boy said incoherently.
“I think I'll save it for marriage.” It was only proper.
“Then we have to find you a girlfriend right quick,” Seamus said, clicking his fingers together.
“Why must we find me a girlfriend right quick? Can't I just take a gap year?” Harry whined pitifully. He really didn't want to have to go look for romance. He just wanted to relax for a year. Then again, having a nice girlfriend might be relaxing enough. Taking walks and going on dates, might be just what the mediwitch ordered.
“You just had a gap year,” complained Dean, leaning forward and spilling his glass all over his bed. The poor bed was soaked now.
“No, I had a year of fighting a war, and on the run. That was not a gap year. That was a year filled with hunger and terror,” Harry said with some venom in his voice. It was not something he liked to talk about or remember. But for it to be called a gap year, that was just wrong.
“I still say we should hook him up with Susan,” Seamus said, trying to smooth things over.
“Yeah, she's an orphan now, so they have something in common,” said Ron, who had just slammed down a glass of firewhiskey. He was not exactly coherent.
“What a horrible thing to say,” said Neville, squinting his eyes in Ron’s general direction. That was just not right to say.
“Why? It's true?” the redhead asked. To him, it made perfect sense.
“Just because they're orphans doesn't mean they have a lot in common,” the sandy-hair boy pointed out. To him, it didn't make any sense at all.
“Both their relatives were killed by Voldemort. That's something,” Ron said, scratching his head in confusion.
“Ron, you have the emotional range of a teaspoon. Hermione was right,” said Harry, shaking his head sadly at his friend's stupidity. There were times when he wondered about his friend's sanity. Then again it could be the firewhiskey talking.
“Come on, Harry, you could at least use it as a conversation starter,” Ron said, getting excited about this prospect.
“Right. I'll just go up to her and say ‘Hi. My name is Harry Potter. I hear your aunt was killed by Voldemort. We should talk.’ I can see that starting a beautiful relationship,” Harry said with a great deal of sarcasm.
“Oh, I can see where that wouldn't be a very good starter,” Ron said with the exciting light fading from his eyes.
“Still, Susan is a good person to start with,” said Seamus, once again playing peacemaker.
“I suppose I can say hello to her after dinner. That doesn't mean I'm going to hop into bed with her or give her a ring,” Harry offered, pointing his finger at all the boys in the room. He wasn't making any promises to any of them.
“That's all we ask, Harry, my lad, that's all we ask,” Seamus said, taking the bottle and downing the last of it.
With that the five of them continued with their conversation about the war until they passed out in the wee hours of the morning. They all woke up with sore heads, and barely remembering the conversation, but they knew that Harry Potter was a virgin, especially when it was splashed across the Daily Prophet.
Hphphp
“You see, I told you the Daily Prophet would get ahold of it,” said Ron as they sat down to breakfast three days later. It had been all anybody had talked about for those last three days. Harry had gotten a lot of jeers and a lot of cheers. There had been many love potion and lust potion attempts. Many offers and innuendos. It had been quite a trying time for the Man Who Conquered.
“And I told you I didn't care,” said Harry, trying valiantly to ignore all those making gestures towards him, and let it roll off his back. He would think he would be used to it by now. After all these years of being shunned and ridiculed in this school. Still, he was more used to it than he was in his first, second and fourth year.
“How the hell did Rita get in our dorm room?” asked Dean, getting some eggs and putting them on his plate with some anger in his movements. He hated all the attention. His name was mentioned in the paper, and he was getting some of the heat as well. Something about being a drunk playboy.
“I don't know, but when I find that bug, I'm gonna squish her,” said Hermione, flipping through her book with some force. She hated that woman with a fiery passion. She couldn’t even blackmail her anymore.
“Why don't you just turn her in?” asked Harry, confused as to why Hermione was so angry.
“I already have. They fined her,” the bushy-haired girl said with a sneer. She had been hoping for prison time, but no, they only fined the woman, who had made a bundle during the war.
Well, I'm going to sue her then,” said Harry. “This is a breach of…of… of… of… privacy.” He grasped for the correct phrase.
“I'm sure it is, but how can you prove it?” Neville asked, sipping some pumpkin juice. He might join the lawsuit. His gran would back him.
“It's on record now that she's an Animagus. She's a registered beetle. She's the only one who's registered as such a small animal, so it has to be her,” Harry explained, as if it were a forgone conclusion. “The simple minds of the wizarding world will conclude that.” He was sure of it.
“I'm not sure it'll work that way, Harry,” Hermione warned. She didn’t want him to get his hopes up.
“You just watch. I'll figure it out,” he said like he had already won.
“Anyway, at least she kept Susan's name out of it,” said Neville.
“There is that,” said Harry with a sigh of relief.
“Are you gonna ask her out?” Dean asked, getting back to the main topic. He still wanted Harry to get a girlfriend if he wasn’t going to get laid.
“I hadn't really thought about it. What we were talking about was under the influence of alcohol,” Harry stated, ignoring all the people following their conversation. It was all over the papers after all. It wasn’t like Harry Potter had any privacy.
“Well, she is a really good-looking bird,” said Ron, swallowing his sausage and grabbing more. He was hungry. He never wanted to be without food again. He had had enough of that on the camping trip from hell. Never again.
“That she is, but I really don't know her,” said Harry, looking at the redheaded teenage girl, who was well endowed. She was talking with Hannah Abbot at the Hufflepuff table, and they were looking around the room with interest, not really landing on anyone or anything. It was like they were making sure that there were no enemies about.
“And you really won't know her unless you go up to her and talk to her,” said Hermione with exasperation. She loved Harry, but he was so shy sometimes.
“There is that,” said Harry. “Fine, I'll go ask her to Tea.” It was the least he could do.
“That's something,” his best female friend stated.
With that, Harry got up, walked over to the Hufflepuff table, and asked Susan Bones if she would attend tea with him that very afternoon.
How did that work in Hogwarts? Well, there were tea rooms for couples to take tea. They were chaperoned by house elves. Couples were only allowed in there for teatime and had a limit of thirty minutes. There could be more than one couple at a time. And they were not allowed to sit on the same side of the table. If more than one couple was sitting in the room, the boys had to sit on one side, the girls had to sit on the other. Magic was a wonderful thing. Especially in keeping boys and girls apart. Unless, of course, it was a broom closet or an empty classroom. But that's a different story.
It turned out the two of them had a lot in common and they wound up being boyfriend and girlfriend. They ended up marrying a year later, and Harry finally lost his virginity. So did Susan. In the end, they had six kids and 16 grandkids. And they had a long, happy, healthy marriage. Harry lived to be a ripe old age of 210. Susan outlived him by five years.
Harry did win his lawsuit against Skeeter, but he did thank her for setting him up with Susan.