Sirius could feel the anger coursing through him like fire in his veins. Snape was standing before him, smirking.
“I know where your little boyfriend is going.” Snape strutted towards Sirius; his head held high.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Sirius clenched his fists.
“He’s a werewolf, I’ve known for ages. He’s going to kill us all, isn’t he. He’s a monster. Freak. Just like you, blood traitor.” Snape seemed to smile more at Sirius’s anger.
“You don’t know anything about Remus.” Sirius grinded his teeth, trying to keep his anger under control.
“Oh, I know more than you think. What if I… told the whole school?” Sirius felt his heart drop. “He won’t stay in Hogwarts after that. The little ugly scared up freak will be on the streets where he belongs” Something broke in Sirius as he tackled Snape to the ground.
“Don’t- talk- about- Remus- that- way.” He said between every punch, but Snape just kept on smiling.
“I’ll tell Remus’s secret to the whole school, Black. The whole school. What if I also tell people that you told me in the first place? That way all your friends will leave you and maybe then your mother will stop giving you new lashes every summer- “
“You want to know where he is? Go to the Womping Willow and press the knot at the base of the trunk. That way you’ll die a painful death, and you’ll never touch him again.” Sirius snarled. This was all it took for Snape to crawl out from under Sirius. Sirus lay there on the ground closing his eyes, trying to control his shaking breath. After a moment, his eyes flew open, and he realized what he had just said.
Sirius stood up and ran. His body was screaming for him to stop but he couldn’t. He was running and running, finally reaching a stag lying by the edge of the womping willow. He quickly threw himself on the stag as it, with surprise, turned back into James.
“Sirius what- “
“Snape.” Sirius wheezed, “He knows about Rem. He- He’s going inside the whomping willow to try and find him.”
“Shit.” James whispered, standing up at once and running to the willow. Sirius collapsed, his lungs feeling so dry and his legs shaking so badly that he eventually passed out.
-----
Sirius woke up, still outside on the grass. He saw the sun rise above him as he groggily sat up, and then he remembered Remus. He quickly stood up only to tumble down again, but with some effort, he stood up again and made his way back to the castle.
He wasn’t sure how, but he’d somehow made it to the Gryffindor common room, and up to the doors. Once he saw his bed, he almost crawled into it, before he saw Remus sitting there, turned away from him.
“Moony.” Sirius breathed a sigh of relief, almost collapsing again as the doorframe held most of his weight. Remus turned and looked into Sirius’s eyes with a look that could best be described as pure hatred. Sirius’s smile fell off of his face in an instant.
“You.” Remus growled.
“Moony I’m so sorry, I don’t even know what happened I was so angry- “
“You could’ve gotten me expelled! Everybody would’ve known- all because you were angry?” Remus exploded Sirius felt tears fall down his cheeks.
“Moons please- I didn’t mean it- I promise I would never! You know I would never!” Sirius yelled weakly, but Remus just gave a hollow laugh.
“I don’t know what you would do anymore, Black.” Sirius winced. Remus knew how much he hated that name. “I trusted you; I bloody loved you. I loved you with all my heart Sirius Black. You we’re my one and only, and you threw that all away because of your stupid anger.”
“I love you Rem, I really love you- “
“You’ve told me before Black’s aren’t capable of love.” Remus said coolly. “I never believed it because oh look! He loves me! Now I know that was all a lie.” He snarled.
“Remus- “
“I almost killed him. I almost fucking killed someone because of you. Do you understand what that means? I would’ve never forgiven myself. I would’ve never forgotten. It would’ve haunted me forever. You almost put that on me. If you really loved me, you wouldn’t have done it.”
“He was insulting you and s-saying that he was going to tell everyone.” Sirius blubbered, not able to control the tears flowing like waterfalls out of his eyes.
“So, you decided to get rid of all of your problems at my expense? Wow. Classic Sirius Black, only thinking about himself. Never of how this might hurt someone else, just how it would hurt his selfish little self.”
“Moony- Moony- Moony- “
“Don’t call me that. I’m not your Moony- your Rem anymore. I am Remus John Lupin, your ex-boyfriend. Nothing can ever repair what has happened. I hope you know that.” Sirius thought his heart might have shattered right in the middle of his chest.
“Moony please.” Sirius begged. Remus swiftly stood up, walked over to him, and punched him in the stomach. Sirius fell to the ground, and all he could hear was his mother’s voice, all the times she had punched him. He squeezed his eyes shut trying to block out the memories, but they only grew stronger.
“Mum, stop. Please.” Sirius begged, momentarily forgetting he wasn’t at his house, being beaten by his mother. “I’m not your mother Sirius Black.” She had said to him once. He thought that was the worst day of his life. Now he knew this was.
“Stay away from me- don’t even dare to look at me. Leave James and Peter out of this too. Don’t you fucking dare call me Moony ever again. I hate you Sirius, and I could live with that if I hadn’t once loved you.” Remus stormed down the stairs to leave Sirius still leaning against the doorframe, shaking with sobs.
-----
Sirius had grabbed his stuff and had left Gryffindor tower, looking for an empty classroom. Finally, he found one that was empty and with a thick layer of dust over it, which meant it was unused. Sirius dumped all of his stuff in a corner and looked at the hole he had dug himself into.
He had no friends. His boyfriend, his everything was gone. At least when he was at his mother’s house, he had Regulus who would stay with him during the long hours of the night, and the even longer hours when his mother had made an array of cuts up and down his back.
Sirius would cry into Regulus’s arms, and Regulus would attempt to heal him, but in the end neither had the energy to. They cried for each other.
They cried because they were Blacks. They were cursed, from the second they were born to have a terrible life. The name cursed them, twisting up their insides and leaving both mental and physical scars that would never truly heal.
He didn’t know where Regulus was, and he didn’t want to disturb him, many of his friends being very anti-Gryffindor. Burdening Regulus would just make things worse, so Sirius would stay silent.
The thing about growing up a Black is you become very good at that.
-----
All of Sirius’s teachers were worried. The once lively friendly boy barely ever spoke anymore with his head down. His face was gaunt, and his robes always seemed covered in dirt and dust. They all checked on him, but he would just put on a fake smile and said that he was fine.
One day after transfiguration (Sirius always took longer to put away his stuff so James, Peter, and Remus could leave, none of which had talked to him, Remus and James occasionally glaring at him from across the room) Professor McGonagall pulled him aside.
“Sirius, are you okay?” She asked him.
“I’m doing fine professor.” Sirius flashed her a quick smile.
“Sirius, I know what happened, maybe you should try and talk to them- “
“They don’t want to talk to me professor. Honestly, I’m fine.” He said, and even though he could tell she wasn’t convicted, she let him go on his way.
Sirius barley ate anymore, because he knew if he did, he would want to look at Remus, and Remus didn’t want Sirius to look at him. He slept on the hard wood floor, and barely slept at that because he kept getting woken up by Peeves and his endless nightmares.
His life was miserable, the building that he considered once his home was now a prison, as was his brain. The scars on his left arm seemed to multiply by the week, and losing blood didn’t help with how little he was eating.
He didn’t want to do anything anymore and was struggling to pay attention in class and to his schoolwork, not having anybody to help him anymore.
Lily started spending more time with him, but Sirius would always make an excuse to walk away, leaving Lily hurt.
-----
“I don’t know what to do. He won’t talk to me. He wont talk to anyone.” Lily sat with James in Professor McGonagall’s office.
“I’ve been worried about him too. I’m not sure what to do about it. James?” She turned to him.
“He hurt Remus. He really hurt Remus, and Remus isn’t ready to forgive him. I’m not going to side with Sirius over Remus. I haven’t seen him much anyway.” James shrugged.
“Don’t you two share a dorm?” asked Lily.
“I haven’t seen him in the dorm since the incident.”
“You mean he hasn’t been sleeping in the dorm?” Lily spoke, suddenly sounding scared.
“I don’t know. I haven’t seen him in there for the last two months, but I don’t exactly stay up waiting for him or anything.”
“Please try and check James. If he isn’t this could cause a serious problem.” Professor McGonagall sighed, rubbing her temple.
-----
Later that evening, Lily was sitting next to James, Peter, Remus, Dorcas, and Marlene.
“We need to go check on him. Say something.” Lily sighed, fidgeting with the end of her skirt.
“Does Remus want to?” Peter squeaked nervously.
“I never want to talk to him again.” Remus replied bitterly.
“Remus…” James sighed.
“So, you’re going to side with him? He could have killed Snape!” Remus turned to Lily. “He could’ve killed Severus! Doesn’t that bother you?” Lily met Remus’s eyes.
“It did at first. Then I talked to Severus about how he got Sirius to tell the information.” Lily put her head in her hands.
“You can’t leave it off like that.” Dorcas said, gently stroking Marlenes hair, who was laying on her lap.
“Yeah, do tell Lils” Marlene added.
“He told him that he was going to tell the whole school. He insulted Remus and said things that I wouldn’t say about anyone. After finally Sirius broke and started punching him, he just kept poking at Remus, and then started mentioning what Sirius’s mum does to him.” Lily lifted her head out of her hands, her eyes blazing. “He said all of this to me proudly, proud that he got this boy to break by telling him that his boyfriend was going to be expelled and homeless. He got him to break by telling him that he would tell the whole school Sirius told him, and then break Sirius apart from all of his friends. He said that he had never seen someone so scared in his life. Do you know how fucked up all of this is? Sirius accidently brought his worst nightmare on himself!” Lily shoved her head into a pillow.
“Damn.” Dorcas broke the silence, looking sadly at Marlene. “Babe, promise me this will never happen to us, m’kay?” Marlene nodded as she wiped away a tear that had fallen down her own cheek.
“I didn’t know that.” James said quietly, hugging his legs. Remus stayed silent.
Sirius had given up his secret… for Remus? Sirius had punched Snape for him, and even though Sirius got angry, Remus tried to think how calm he would’ve stayed in that situation.
Probably not very.
“Remus, we should talk to him. I don’t know if you’ve seen him lately, but I’m scared.” James said looking sadly into Remus’s eyes.
“Give me a bit more time.” Remus croaked, trying to ignore all the emotion that had built inside his chest.
“Don’t take too long. I don’t know how much time he has left in him.”
-----
Sirius sat in his room in darkness. Nothing can ever repair what has happened. I hope you know that. Tears fell down Sirius’s face and hit the floor. He couldn’t get out his mind these days, like a demon who constantly followed him around. He didn’t want to sleep on this floor for one more second, he didn’t want to do anything anymore.
Suddenly it was as if his feet were leading him, like his brain had finally shut off. He looked around the corridors as he walked past them.
There was the wall where he and James had painted “MAURADERS” on the wall. There was the closet that he’d once pulled Remus inside and kissed his beautifully soft lips. There was the room where Sirius had finally mastered Riddikulus.
Now he was his own dementor, and his happy memories were drowned out by the current situation. He finally found himself outside. He didn’t know how he’d ever gotten out the front doors, but his memory was patchy these days. He found himself on the edge of the forest looking up at Hogwarts. Most of the lights were turned off, but the few lights that were there shone wonderfully against the stars.
He put his hand into his pocket and pulled out a knife, removing the sheath, and dropped his wand on the ground.
“I love you Remus.” He muttered before squeezing his eyes shut and diving the knife into his heart.
-----
He couldn’t feel anything, which was weird, because he expected that getting stabbed would hurt more. He opened his eyes to find Remus standing feet before him, his wand pointed at where the knife was, but the knife was gone. Remus ran the last few steps and wrapped Sirius in a hug, both of them crumpling to the ground.
“Sirius. Sirius.” Remus muttered through sobs, holding Sirius impossibly tight.
“R-Remus?” Sirius asked, surprised.
“Sirius. My love. Sirius.” Remus kept muttering, burying his face into Sirius’s hair.
“Remus.” Sirius wrapped his own arms around Remus and sunk into his grasp.
“My love. My love. My love. My love.” Remus whispered over and over, still not letting go. After another moment, Remus gently unraveled, still keeping his hands on Sirius’s shoulders. “I should have never said the things I did.” Remus choked, his crying making his words barely comprehensible. Sirius quickly grabbed Remus again and sobbed into his sweater, finally realizing the weight of what he had almost just done.
“I love you. I love you. I love you. Please never do that. Please. I love you Padfoot. I love you.” Remus grabbed onto Sirius again. Sirius could smell Remus’s chocolate bars, lavender soap, and cigarettes on his sweater, and for the first time in months, he was happy.
“I love you too.” He said muffled in Remus’s sweater.
“I didn’t know it got that bad. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Pads.” Remus squeezed Sirius tighter. Sirius drew back.
“Don’t apologize. It was my fault, I told S-Snape.” Sirius said through sniffles.
“Lily told me what he said. He was messed up, not you. Please don’t ever leave me again. Please.” Remus looked at Sirius with tearstained eyes and Sirius nodded. “Please say it. I need to believe you.”
“I won’t ever leave you Moo-Remus.”
“I am your Moony. I’ll forever be your Moony until you no longer want me to.” Sirius laughed, but his laugh quickly turned into more sobs as he clutched Remus close again.
“I’d never not want you Moony.” And with that Sirius passed out in Remus’s arms.
-----
Remus started to carry Sirius up to the dorms but was stopped by somebody calling his name. He turned around to see Professor McGonagall with James next to her, both of their wands alight.
“Thank Merlin Remus!” James ran towards Remus but stopped when he saw Sirius in his arms. “Is he okay?” James’s breath hitched as he pressed his fingers to Sirius’s neck to check for a pulse, breathing out heavily when he felt one, sinking to the ground and leaning against a wall.
“Why are you two out here?” Remus asked, bringing Sirius slightly closer to his chest. He’d always been able to carry Sirius, but now it was almost effortless because of how little Sirius had been eating and it broke Remus’s heart.
“Mr. Potter woke up and found you gone, and due to the current situation, he was scared you had… done something. He came and got me. Is Mr. Black okay…?” she asked, moving slightly closer but Remus drew back slightly, not trusting anyone else to come close to Sirius.
“He-he-he- “Remus stuttered, not able to get out the words. He looked down at James who had his hands over his mouth, and James, who so rarely cried, was on the floor with tears running down his face. He kept shaking his head, not accepting what had happened.
“What happened, Mr. Lupin?” asked Professor McGonagall sternly.
“I can’t.” Remus whispered.
“You three should go get some sleep. Come to my office as soon as you can, okay? Mr. Lupin, both you and Sirius are excused from your classes tomorrow, okay?” Remus nodded as she gave one last look at Sirius, a curt nod and walked away. Remus looked at James who’d managed to stand up but was still shaking.
“It’s going to be okay.” He said to Remus.
“I hope so.” Remus replied.
-----
Once they’d gotten back to the dorms, Remus had asked James not to disturb him and Sirius as he nodded. After James had gone to bed, Remus just sat there beside Sirius who he’d laid on his bed, watching the slow rise and fall of Sirius’s chest.
After some time, Sirius slowly woke up.
“R-Rem?” He muttered rubbing his eyes. Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius and kissed his head, trying not to show him the tears.
“Remus where are we?” Sirius said, sounding terrified as he pulled Remus closer.
“Back in the dorms, darling.” Remus muttered into his hair. Sirius seemed to ease up, leaning fully into Remus’s arms.
“Let’s get you changed, okay?” Remus asked, but he could feel Sirius shrink a bit.
“My pyjama's aren’t in here.” He muttered, sounding embarrassed.
“Take some of mine.” Remus suggested. He slowly sat Sirius up and quickly brought Sirius some of his extra pyjama's.
-----
Once Sirius had made it to the bathroom, he gingerly removed his shirt. He could Remus inhale suddenly, and he looked up to see Remus’s eyes on his left arm.
Sirius covered the arm with one of his hands.
“No- “Remus said, stepping forward. Let looked up at Sirius and gestured to his arm. After a second, Sirius nodded. Remus slowly lifted Sirius’s hand off the gashes on his arm and brought them to his lips.
Sirius melted into the feeling of Remus’s lips on his skin, and a little too soon, Remus drew away. Sirius stepped forward himself and brought his lips to Remus’s.
In the end this is what he had been craving. Just Remus. The person he cared about most in the world. Remus brought both of his hands to Sirius’s hips, pulling him closer while continuing to softly kiss him. Sirius dropped the shirt he was holding and tangled both his hands in Remus’s hair.
They stayed like that for a beat, lips interlocked, both realizing just how much they’d missed the other. When Sirius finally drew back, Remus took his forehead and placed it against Sirius’s grabbing Sirius’s jaw with both of his hands. Giving Sirius a quick kiss on the lips he drew back smiling and let Sirius finish getting changed.
-----
Once Sirius had finished getting changed, he stood again in the doorway. He thought about how a few months ago he had been standing in a doorway like this, and Remus had been yelling at him. The second Remus saw him, he ran to Sirius and wrapped him in a hug again.
“Hey.” He whispered, holding Sirius’s face against his chest.
“You’re never going to let me go again, are you?” Sirius smiled, Remus held him at arm’s length again.
“You almost killed yourself Sirius, I’m never letting you go again.” Remus’s eyes flicked across Sirius’s face as he smiled. “I forgot how beautiful you were.” he said thoughtfully. Sirius tried to hide his face in Remus’s sweater again, but Remus kept him where he could see him. He pressed a kiss to Sirius’s lips and then gestured to the bed.
He and Sirius moved to Remus’s bed as he curled up against Sirius.
“I love you Pads.” Remus breathed.
“I love you too Moons.” Sirius whispered back.
-----
Sirius and Remus both woke up late. Sirius untangled one of his arms from Remus’s grasp and checked the clock behind him. Seeing how late it was his heart leaped as he turned to shake Remus awake.
“Wazzit?” Remus grumbled, yawning.
“We’re going to be late for class!” Sirius whisper-screamed.
“McGonagall said we had the day off.” Remus half sat up, rubbing his eyes.
“When?” Sirius asked puzzled.
“She and James found us as we were walking back to the tower.” Remus stretched, fully sitting up this time.
“Did you tell her about…” Sirius trailed off, looking down at the blanket.
“She said that I should go to her office when I can, but I think this is something you need to discuss with her. This is serious, Pads.”
“I know I just… don’t want her to see me any differently.” Sirius clutched his left arm.
“Hey. Hey.” Remus gently grabbed Sirius’s chin until Sirius met his eyes. “You are not broken. You are not a bad person. You’re a very good person, who bad things have happened to. None of this makes you any different. What would you do if someone made fun of my scars?” Remus asked him and Sirius chucked.
“Throw them off the astronomy tower.”
“Now think of it the other way. Don’t let people push you around because of shit that happened in your life, okay?” Sirius nodded, and Remus pulled Sirius’s chin towards his own, their lips meeting once more.
-----
They mainly stayed on Remus’s bed, Sirius laying on his chest while Remus read to him from a book. Sirius just soaked up how wonderful it was to be back. How glad he was that he hadn’t done it.
He heard a shriek as James came flying on the bed, landing on both of them.
“You just had to do that, did you Jamie?” Remus grumbled, sliding his way off the bed as James wrapped his arms around Sirius and started ugly crying.
“I-I-I-I’m so sorry!” He cried, as Sirius awkwardly patted his back.
“It’s okay mate.” He said, as Lily, Dorcas, and Marlene all came up as well, sprinting to join the hug.
“Never scare us like that again, Siri.” Marlene sobbed into Sirius’s shoulder.
“I love you, you little bastard!” Dorcas wrapped her arms around the group.
“Thank you for being here.” Lily muttered into Sirius’s ear. Remus smiled down at all of them and then slowly joined the group hug.
-----
“Moony?” Sirius looked across the table at Remus. They were much older now and had both been through years of indescribable pain. Still, their relationship was as strong as ever.
“Yes?” Remus responded, closing his book.
“I’m sorry.”
“For what, love?” Remus furrowed his brow.
“That.” Sirius looked down at the table.
“Oh Pads…” Remus got up and moved over to Sirius, knelling down to hug him. “Don’t ever blame yourself.” He hugged Sirius tighter. He could feel his knees growing uncomfortable on the cold hard wood floor, but he didn’t let go.
“You know I’m still going to.” Sirius let out a small laugh before kissing the top of Remus’s head.
In the end nothing is going to ever fully be okay, Sirius thought, feeling Remus’s arms wrapped around his body, but this is pretty close.