“Expecto patronum!” voices chorused all around Regulus. He was seriously beginning to tire of hearing those words, shouted repeatedly through the classroom.
Today, the sixth years were learning to cast the patronus charm, a difficult bit of magic that was extremely useful against dementors. But it was stupid.
See, the patronus charm required an extremely powerful happy memory to work. You were supposed to draw on the happy feelings that memory stirred up, and channel them into your patronus. Now, Regulus was obviously struggling with this, because he had no happy memories.
Every memory he had was tainted by some sort of sadness or evil. Everything involving his family was out, because they were horrible people. He loved his friends, but any of the memories he tried surrounding them only got him a wispy shield, not a full corporeal patronus.
So yeah, needless to say he was fucked.
He blamed three things for his predicament. Starting off he blamed his parents. They were truly awful people, bigoted blood supremacists, who only cared about the continuation of the Most Noble and Ancient House of Black. It didn’t matter what Regulus did, he was never enough for them, and never would be. They always wanted him to act more like his estranged brother, Sirius. And when he did act more like Sirius, he got in heaps of trouble. Not to mention his mother’s favorite spell to use on him was the cruciatus curse.
That brings him to his second reason, Sirius himself. Regulus’s brother, the only one in his awful house that was worth loving, had run away two years ago, leaving Regulus to face their parent’s wrath and expectations all by himself. Sirius had been the heir before Regulus, but now that he was gone, all responsibility fell on him. He hated it.
Regulus knew why Sirius had run, and he wasn’t mad he left. Now, if he could've, Regulus would have done the same thing. He was mad that Sirius had left him behind, not even asking if Regulus wanted to escape too. It certainly didn’t help that the seventh years, Sirius’s year, were in the classroom with them, supposedly helping them out. If anything their presence was making it more impossible for Regulus.
The last, and certainly not least, was James Potter. James was Sirius’s best friend, and also the one Sirius ran to when he escaped Grimmauld place. They were close, like brothers, they said. Well, Regulus was Sirius’s actual brother, and he was jealous of James. He hated him.
But he was also in love with James, in the worst possible way. When he was younger, in his first few years of Hogwarts, he had hung around a bit with Sirius’s friends. They welcomed him, but James always made him feel included. He was warm, kind, and popular. He was everything Regulus wasn’t, everything he was missing in his life and longed for. He had loved James almost immediately after meeting him, though it took him a few years to realize it.
James was the fucking sun personified. He was beautiful, with tan skin, dark messy hair, eyes the color of burnt caramel, and a smile so blinding it could light up a room. Round glasses framed his eyes, and they were always crooked. It was endearing in a way it shouldn’t be.
James loved Quidditch, he was the captain of the Gryffindor team. He was an early riser, and one of the purest souls out there. He was also madly in love with Lily Evans. He used to follow her around, declaring his love, and despite her rejection, continued. The confessions had died down, but Regulus could see the way he looked at her.
Plus, James was pure, purer than anyone. He was the embodiment of light, whereas Regulus was all shadows. Even if James liked him back, he would never let his darkness poison James’s shine.
So, he suffered in silence. Not to mention that being gay in his house would get him disowned at best, and killed at worst. No, there was no solving this James problem.
“This is bullshit.” Barty, one of his closest friends, said beside him.
“At least you can get wisps, I can’t get shit.” His other friend, Evan replied.
Loud laughter broke their conversation, making him look over to the owner of that laugh. He already knew who it was.
James had his head tilted back, with the sun shining through the windows onto his face as he laughed at something Sirius was doing. His eyes were closed in pure bliss, and his mouth was parted. He was like a work of art, he was so free, and Regulus felt happiness and nostalgia, as well as sadness mixing in his gut. He remembered a time when James had laughed like that for him.
They had just met for the first time. James had asked him his name, and when he replied, James had said “A posh name for a posh boy.” Regulus had scowled at that, and James had laughed. In that moment, Regulus knew what it was to have butterflies in your stomach. He knew what it was to meet someone for the first time, and know you would do anything to keep them.
That was the first time he had felt true, unbridled happiness.
And just like that, Regulus knew he had his patronus memory.
“Expecto patronum!” He said, and a silver shape shot from the end of his wand. He heard James’s faint laughter in his ears from the memory, and felt fond. Of course James, one of the biggest causes of grief in his life, would be his patronus memory.
The shape took the form of a beautiful stag, tall and majestic in the classroom. It walked toward Regulus and lowered his head so that their foreheads were aligned.
Regulus frowned. A stag didn’t really make any sense for his personality. He had been expecting a cat, or a snake. He heard gasps and looked around.
The room was dead silent, everyone looking at him. Too late, he realized why.
Over in the corner, where the seventh year's patronuses were stationed, James and Sirius stood side by side. Sirius looked angry, with his eyes narrowed. James looked pale, and stricken while he stared at Regulus.
Behind James stood his patronus, a matching stag.
__________________________________________________
Before Regulus could truly comprehend what happened, he was walking out of the classroom.
He held his chin high, his shoulders back, and walked calmly from the room. All the practice at masking emotions was paying off at this moment. Inside he was panicking, his thoughts a string of, no, no, no, this can’t be happening.
But it was happening. As he got into the corridor, and began to head to his dorm, he started to truly register what had happened. His patronus matched James’s, which meant that Regulus was in love with him. Obviously, this wasn’t news to Regulus, but the entirety of the sixth and seventh years had seen it. It was only a matter of time before his parents got word of this.
For the first time in a long time, he felt true fear. His parents might kill him for this, Merlin knows they’d come close over much smaller things, and this was huge. They would disown him without a doubt, because no respectable pureblood girl would marry him now. They all knew what he was, how he felt. He’d be lucky if he wasn’t beaten in school, most wizards did not tolerate this kind of thing.
And what would his parents do to James? They’d kill him for sure. One of their sons ran to him when he was disowned, and the other was going to be disowned for having feelings for him. Hopefully the Potter’s had protections in place for James. Harm to himself, Regulus could survive, but if anyone dared to hurt James, he’d kill them, parents or not.
He was getting close to the dungeons now. It was almost safe to fall apart. He thought he was doing remarkably well at keeping it together considering the circumstances.
Suddenly he heard heavy, hurried footsteps coming behind him, one of which he recognized as his brother’s. No, no, no, not now. He thought, ducking behind a tapestry, and hoping they wouldn’t find him.
“Pads, I don’t see him.” James’s voice said, and hearing it sent Regulus over the edge. He clamped a hand over his mouth in an effort to keep quiet as tears began to roll down his cheeks.
“Fuck, we have to find him James,” Sirius’s panicked voice said. “Walburga and Orion will kill him. They’ll murder him in cold blood and get away with it.”
Regulus knew this, but hearing Sirius say it was so much worse. It was like the nail in his coffin, and he started crying harder.
“I know Sirius,” James replied, sounding just as panicked. “We’ll find him, and we’ll talk to him. He’ll be ok.”
Regulus heard sniffles, then James’s voice again. “Did you know?” He asks quietly.
Sirius replies, his voice choked. “I had no idea.”
The footsteps retreat, and Regulus waits as tears continue to fall down his face. When he’s sure he’s alone, he runs toward the dungeons. Once he’s inside his dorm, he collapses on his bed, and sobs.
____________________________________________________
Regulus did not leave his dorm for the next few days.
He spent his time in a haze, sleeping, and staring at his ceiling. His friends, Barty and Evan, gave him regular updates about what was going on, and snuck him food from the great hall. He was eternally thankful for them. They’d known about his crush on James prior to the incident, and were more than ok with him being gay. In fact, Barty and Evan were dating, so it’d be a bit hypocritical if they weren’t ok with it.
His other friends visited as well, Pandora and Dorcas. Pandora was his best friend, and the one he told everything to. She too had known about James, and tried to insist he talk about his feelings in the aftermath of the incident. He was just too tired for that.
Then there was Dorcas, who was in the year ahead of them. She brought him updates on James and Sirius whether he wanted them or not. It seemed they had taken to harassing her for the password to get into Slytherin. Thankfully she hadn’t given them it.
All in all, Regulus was not doing good. Barty told him that everyday a new howler from his parents appeared, and when he wasn’t there it screeched and tore itself up. When he inevitably had to return to classes, he would definitely be getting another one, disowning him for good.
It seemed his inevitable return would have to be soon, because he was falling behind on his grades miraculously fast. His friends brought him their notes, but part of marks were attendance. They had been saying he was sick, but he could only keep up that lie for so long.
So, that’s how he found himself, dressed and showered on Monday morning, making his way to the Great Hall, with Barty and Evan flanking him. They had glared maliciously at the few people staring at him in the corridors, and threatened to beat up a few. Regulus just continued walking, mask in place and chin held high.
He continued to do so when the doors to the Great Hall swung open and he walked through. He gritted his teeth as whispers and stares began. He couldn’t make out what they were saying, but he didn’t think it was good. He walked forward, putting all his training at being emotionless into it. He held his head high, his shoulders back, his mask in place. He didn’t meet anyone’s eyes as he headed to his usual seat at the Slytherin table.
Barty and Evan sat down on either side of him. Everyone seemed to go back to their food for the most part. That was, until the howler arrived.
The red envelope dropped in front of him, and started to shake as he opened it. Immediately after, his mother’s shrill voice filled the great hall.
“REGULUS ARCTURUS BLACK!! You have brought untold shame upon this family, and you are no son of ours!!” It screeched, “I have never been more humiliated in my life!! A gay son!!! And of course it’s that blood traitor Potter you have a perverted obsession with!!”
He cringed a bit at that, if anyone didn’t know they would now. “You are worse than your awful brother!! At least Sirius wasn’t a faggot!! You are hereby disowned!! Your things have been thrown out, and your name has been burned off the family tapestry!! Don’t ever show your face at Grimmauld again!!” With that the letter tore itself to shreds.
Regulus took a deep breath. He was aware of the pin-drop silence in the great hall, as everyone stared at him. He glared back at the people in his sight line, challenging them. They turned away and he took another deep breath, trying to control his shaking hands.
“Are you ok?” Evan asked beside him. He looked shocked.
“No,” Regulus replied, his voice hoarse, “but it could have been worse.”
With that, he got up and headed out of the Great Hall. He didn’t know where he was going, just anywhere out of the public eye. He passed the Gryffindor table, not looking at James or Sirius. He could see them from the corner of his eye though, both staring at him. James was as pale as the Bloody Baron, and Sirius’s face was stormy.
He swung the doors open and walked quickly down the corridor, hoping no one would follow him, but drawing his wand just in case he needed to fend off some sort of attack. His wishes were not granted when he heard footsteps pounding behind him. He once again recognized a pair as his brothers, and resisted the urge to sigh. He sped up, looking for somewhere to hide, but there were no tapestries to duck behind this time.
“Reggie, wait!” Sirius called behind him. Regulus’s blood boiled at the nickname. How dare Sirius think that just because he was disowned that he could swoop in and act like his brother again after abandoning him.
“Go away Sirius.” He responded, trying to stay calm against the storm of rage inside him.
“Please, just talk to us,” Sirius said, catching up to him. Regulus saw both him and James in his peripheral vision and felt shame and guilt coil in his gut. He had to have embarrassed James as well with all this, and that just wasn’t fair because it was his stupid feelings, not James’s.
“No. Leave me alone.” He responded, pushing through the guilt. He started walking faster and Sirius ran out in front of him, James in tow, blocking his path.
“We just want to help, Regulus.” James said quietly, looking at him, pleading with him. Regulus wouldn’t meet his eyes. He never could again.
“No,” he said, “I don’t want your help.”
With that he turned on his heel and left toward his next class. They didn’t follow him, and he tried to ignore the tears in his eyes. The last thing he wanted was pity.
______________________________________
“Mr.Black, do you know why I’ve called you here today?” Dumbledore asked.
No, he did not. Regulus had been called to the headmaster’s office two days after finally emerging from his dorm.
“No, professor.” He responded.
“Well, I’m quite sorry to do this, but you cannot continue at Hogwarts.” Dumbledore said, and his blue eyes held sympathy.
Regulus sucked in a sharp breath at the words. He felt his hands start to shake as he folded them in his lap to hide it. His stomach twisted in fear at the words, but he took a deep breath, trying to think clearly.
“Why not, Professor?” He asked, and he really had no idea. Maybe it was the fact that he was gay, most wizards, especially older ones, didn’t like that. Of course there were other gay students at Hogwarts, but none of them were out to the whole student body.
“Because you currently do not have a home to return to once the school year finishes. I cannot, in good conscience, let you continue here with no form of guardian.” Dumbledore said, not unkindly.
Regulus felt like the world had just flown off its axis. Hogwarts had always been his escape, his true home. It was where all his friends were. What would he do when he was no longer allowed to return? He wasn’t old enough to buy his own home, even if he did have the money, and he wouldn’t get a job with an unfinished education.
Tears burned at his eyes, but he blinked them back. If he was getting kicked out, he would do it with grace.
“And is there nothing I can do?” He asked shakily.
Dumbledore opened his mouth to reply, but a voice interrupted him.
“Actually, there is.” Sirius said, plopping down in the chair next to Regulus.
He looked at his brother in astonishment, and that shock doubled when James sat on the other side of him. Both boys had looks of determination on their faces, and he realized they were going to try to get him out of this. Even as a piece of his heart warmed at the sentiment, despair and anger overtook him. They could try their best, but they were only kids. And how dare they do this out of pity? He would rather take his chances as a jobless, homeless bum, than be pitied.
Regulus turned to Sirius and ignored James completely. “What the fuck are you doing Sirius?” He hissed quietly, quietly enough Dumbledore wouldn’t hear.
Sirius looked at him, and that same determination was still on his face. “Saving you.” He replied.
Regulus’s blood boiled at that. “I don’t need you to save me!! I’m not some helpless child that needs protecting!! I’ll manage on my own!!”
Sirius looked at him and all the anger left Regulus’s body. “I know you don’t need me to,” Sirius responded. “But I want to. Despite everything you’re still my brother. And I regret leaving you in that house everyday.”
Regulus was shocked, hearing that. What Sirius had just said was one of the only things he had ever wanted to hear from his big brother. He didn’t reply, too shocked to do anything but stare.
Sirius looked him in the eye, with a sincerity that made Regulus lose his breath. “I’m sorry.” He said, and Regulus felt tears burn in his eyes. He blinked them back, unwilling to cry, but for the first time in a long time, he felt a sense of peace at being with his brother. Obviously, things weren’t fixed, but Regulus now had hope they could be.
Regulus nodded at him, not trusting his voice at the moment. Sirius nodded back, and in that small interaction was the promise to have a real conversation later. They both turned back to Dumbledore.
The headmaster was watching them with sympathy and a bit of confusion. “Mr.Black,” He spoke, addressing Sirius this time, “what do you mean?”
It was then that two more people walked into the room.
Regulus had never met Euphemia and Fleamont Potter before, but the second they walked into that office, he knew who he was looking at. Fleamont looked like James, they had the same hair, except his was much neater, the same complexion, and both wore glasses. However, James had Euphemia’s eyes. The same kind air that surrounded James was reflected back at him by his parents.
“He means,” Euphemia said, “we wish to adopt Regulus. As long as that’s ok with him of course.” She smiled at him and it was so much like James.
Hearing those words was surreal. He didn’t believe them, this couldn’t be happening. This was a dream, it had to be. There was no way that the Potters wanted to adopt him, to take him away from his awful family and let him have his brother back.
He sat there for a bit too long, just blinking at them. A hand on his startled him back to his body, and he turned to face Sirius, who was smiling at him. He realized then, that this was real. He had a chance.
“Euphemia,” Dumbledore started, and the tone of his voice was tired and a bit sympathetic. “Just because he’s been disowned doesn’t mean you can adopt him immediately. There is a process to these things, paperwork and such-“
“We have the paperwork.” Fleamont said, striding up to the desk and dropping a stack of papers on it. “All Regulus has to do is sign it.”
“But you don’t have to,” Euphemia hurriedly added, smiling kindly at him once again. “If you don’t want to come live with us, I’m sure we could figure something else out.”
He shook his head immediately. This is what he’d always wanted, to escape his parents and still have his brother in his life. “No, I-I want to. But….” He trailed off and looked at Sirius.
“Are you sure you’re ok with this?” He asked. If Sirius said no, he wouldn’t do it. He didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.
“Of course I’m ok with it Reggie, are you kidding? I’ve wanted this since I ran away!!” Sirius replied, his eyes tearing up again.
Regulus nodded. He hesitated before turning to James. He hadn’t said a word this whole time and Regulus had been purposely ignoring him. When he looked at him now he felt that familiar pang that had come since the patronus incident. The heartbreak and fear of having his feelings known.
“What about you?” Regulus whispered, and it took great effort to get the words out while looking into James’s eyes.
James looked at him, and Regulus had a hard time reading his expression. James was usually an open book, and Regulus could always tell what he was thinking and feeling by his eyes, which were always so expressive. They glittered when he was excited, and they crinkled when he was happy and smiling. Now, he couldn’t understand the look in those eyes and he hated it. It made him sad, and scared. He had ruined everything with his stupid feelings, and now James must hate him even more. He was pathetic.
“I’m ok with it.” James said, and his voice sounded determined. He held Regulus’s gaze and his tone left no room for doubt or for Regulus to ask again.
“Ok.” Regulus whispered, looking away from James as soon as possible. He turned to face Dumbledore and schooled his features into neutrality, making sure any traces of what he felt for James would not be seen by present company.
“Ok?” Sirius asked.
“Yeah,” Regulus said, barely believing the weight those words held. He was about to change the trajectory of his whole life, all because of one stupid spell. “I’ll sign it.”
___________________________________________________________
When Regulus finally got out of the headmaster’s office the sun outside had begun to set.
The Potters had wanted to go over everything with him and make sure he was ok with it. He was still shocked by their kindness and willingness to help him. The plan was that he would move in that summer, and while he was welcome at their house for breaks, he had said he’d just stay at the castle come the holidays. He didn’t want to be more of a burden to the Potter’s than he was already.
Though, for the time being, they hadn’t seemed upset at all about him moving in. If anything they’d seemed… happy. Euphemia’s eyes had shone with excitement and Fleamont seemed incapable of holding back his smiles. It was strange to Regulus, after all he wasn’t their child, or even friends with James. But, he supposed James had to get that infallible kindness from somewhere. Still, Regulus would do his best not to rely on them for anything, lest they change their minds.
“Reg!” A voice shouted behind him, “Wait up!”
It was Sirius, sprinting toward him from the Headmaster’s office, James in tow. The Potters had already left, and the second they had Regulus bolted out of the office and down the hall. He just couldn’t face James right now. Or ever, for that matter.
But, he supposed he should talk to his brother if they were to fix their relationship. And now was as good a time as any, really. He was less likely to overthink every possibility if he had less time to himself.
He stopped and turned, waiting for Sirius to catch up to him. Once his brother reached him, he doubled over and started panting dramatically. Regulus rolled his eyes but had to suppress a smile at his brother’s dramatics.
He looked up to see James watching him, his dark eyes wide and that heart-stopping grin on his face. His attention was entirely focused on Regulus and he felt his heart beat faster, even as he scolded himself for it. He knew James felt nothing for him in the best case, and disgust in the worst. He should be trying to kill this crush, no matter how pointless he knew his efforts may be.
He looked away from James and felt his indifferent mask slip into place. He had to protect himself. When he let his guard down he got into situations that landed him here, with an entirely uprooted life. Even though it hadn’t turned out horribly this time, it could next time.
“What did you want, Sirius?” Regulus asked, looking at his brother and ignoring James in his peripheral vision, who’s smile had dropped.
Sirius straightened up and frowned. “Uh, I was hoping we could talk a little bit. If you wanted to.”
And that made Regulus’s heart ache. Sirius wanted him in his life, after everything that had happened. He could hardly believe it, and while he did have doubts, when the evidence was right in front of him in the sincerity in his brother’s face, he couldn’t ignore it. He wanted to fix his relationship with Sirius. He wanted them to be brothers again, and it seemed Sirius wanted the same thing.
“Yeah. I do want to.” Regulus forced the words out, and Sirius’s frown was immediately replaced by a grin.
“Thank fucking Merlin!! I mean, cool, cool. Um… Astronomy Tower?” Sirius rambled, and Regulus repressed a smile.
“Sure.” He said, turning to go with Sirius in tow.
“Bye Prongs!!” Sirius called, and Regulus resisted the urge to look back at James.
The walk to the tower was silent and awkward. The only sounds were their steps, Sirius’s loud and thundering, and Regulus’s almost silent. Sirius was nervously humming a tune and fidgeting, while Regulus was silent and as still as possible. They were polar opposites, they always had been, but they understood each other like no one else.
Once they were in the tower, Regulus leaned against the railing and looked up at the sky. It was just after sunset, too early for the stars to be out. Still, he looked to the place in the sky where he knew Sirius was, a habit he indulged. Whenever he missed his brother, he looked at his star and talked to it, wishing it was Sirius himself. Now, he realized, he might not have to do that anymore.
“So,” Sirius said, tapping his fingers on the railing. It was an old nervous habit that their mother used to despise. “I, uh, I’m sorry. Again. I just- I couldn’t stay there and I didn’t think you’d come with me. But I hated leaving you there. Abandoning you was never my intention.”
Regulus felt tears spring to his eyes but pushed them back. “I know. I- I wouldn’t have gone. If you had asked me then, I wouldn’t have because I was still so wrapped up in their lies. I believed she loved me until after you left. Then when she had no one else to take her anger out on, I saw the truth. I’m ashamed that it took me so long, honestly.”
Regulus couldn’t look at his brother as he admitted it. Even though both his parents were undoubtedly terrible people, a part of him still loved them despite it, he knew he always would. He could never forgive them for it all, but he still craved their love and approval, a thing he had never truly known.
“R-right.” Sirius said awkwardly, voice thick with emotion. “I- I don’t know what to say to that. I mean, I’m glad you’re out of there now and that, maybe, if you want, we can be brothers again.”
Regulus snapped his head around to look at Sirius in shock. His brother was looking at him with a sad smile in place. “Are you sure you want that?” He asked, because he had to be sure. He didn’t know if he would ever really get over the fear of Sirius leaving him again, but he knew that he couldn’t go through it again.
“Yes. I missed you.” Sirius whispered, tears shining in his eyes. Regulus felt his own eyes burn, and launched himself at Sirius, wrapping him in a hug.
A sense of safety enveloped him as Sirius hugged him back. It was the most settled he had felt in a long time, even though they were just beginning to work through things. He still had doubts, but as his brother hugged him tightly, he felt his worries begin to flit away.
—————————————————
“So, there’s one more thing we have to talk about.” Sirius said hesitantly, and his tone indicated this would be an extremely difficult conversation. Momentarily Regulus wondered what could possibly be worse than everything they had already spoken about in the past few hours, but then he knew.
He had allowed himself to forget about the dilemma that landed him in this situation in the first place. They had been in the Astronomy tower for hours, talking about their parents, and catching up on each other’s lives. It was peaceful and calm, and in that safe space Regulus had allowed himself to put James out of his mind for the time being. He should have known that not talking about it was too much to wish for.
He sighed loudly, looking at his brother. Sirius looked nervous, and was biting at his nails. “Would you stop that?” Regulus asked. Sirius stopped chewing on his fingernails immediately, looking apologetic. “What do you want to talk about? Just say it.”
“James, really?” Sirius blurted, seeming surprised at the words coming out of his mouth. “I mean I always figured you were gay, but why James?”
Regulus sighed again, and looked to the stars, knowing he wouldn’t be able to meet Sirius’s eyes for this conversation. Sirius waited patiently, watching him.
“He’s just,” Regulus started, “so good. He’s bright like the sun. Always shining on everyone else. He’s warm, and kind, and smart, and wonderful. How was I not supposed to fall for him?”
Sirius was quiet for a bit, before he spoke again. “How long?” He whispered quietly. Regulus still couldn’t look at him.
“I knew from the first moment I met him, and he laughed when I scowled at him. For a minute, it was all okay, you know? I was panicking, but he was there, so it was all ok. But then Lily showed up.” Regulus whispered, his eyes burning at the memory.
He took a deep breath as Sirius waited for him to continue. “The way his eyes lit up when he saw her was enough for me to know that it was hopeless, that it would never be me he wanted. So I never told anyone, except for my friends, who got it out of me in fourth year when they found me crying. I’ve never felt so weak in my whole life.”
“You know, I don’t believe in destiny, but when I look at James, I wonder how I got lucky enough to meet him, even if he doesn’t love me back. He’ll never feel the same, and I’ve made my peace with it. It’s ok. But I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” Regulus finished, and a tear slid down his cheek. He wondered when he had become so soft, to be crying in front of his brother like this.
Maybe that’s a good thing, Regulus thought. People don’t pick up glass shards, but they collect sea glass. They wait until the edges smooth out. Maybe you need that.
He knew he was too rough, too sharp for everyone. If you got close to him, you got cut. But now, he was in a place where he could soften, with time. He had been given a choice, and he chose to let himself heal. To let time dull his harsh edges, and smooth his sharp corners. He could only hope the process was less painful than being shattered in the first place.
He still hadn’t looked at Sirius. He didn’t know what his brother would say. James was his best friend, more kind to him than Regulus ever was. No wonder Sirius had replaced him with James as his brother. He only hoped that this time, Sirius’s love wouldn’t be conditional.
He startled as he felt arms wrap around him. He pivoted into the hug, burying his head into his brother’s shoulder. He felt a tear slide down his cheek, and didn’t bother wiping it away. He was healing now. He didn’t have to hide anymore, and he was reminded of that by Sirius’s strong embrace.
“Reggie,” Sirius said when he pulled away, “I’m sorry that you had to go through all that all by yourself, that you felt like you couldn’t tell me. I want you to know that nothing, not even James, will ever come between us again. I- I love you.”
“I love you too Sirius.” Regulus whispered, and his brother smiled. Regulus found himself returning the smile, despite the tear tracks still running down his face.
___________________________________________________
Regulus’s life returned to somewhat normal after that. The only real difference was the weight of his parent’s expectations, his complicated relationship with his brother, and keeping his sexuality a secret, had all fallen away. Sirius made excuses to see him as often as possible, and Regulus let him. They sat by the lake together, or in the Astronomy Tower. Sirius had tried to meet him in the library once, but Madam Pince had denied him entry, seeing as he had been banned since fourth year.
But always lurking on the edges was James. Sirius’s stories always involved him. Whenever Regulus would see his brother, James would be nearby. When they hung out, it seemed that James coincidentally ended up in the same place, almost like he was following them. Whenever their eyes accidentally met on these occasions, James would look at him with such sadness that it overwhelmed Regulus, and he looked away.
He knew he should talk to James. Apologize and tell him that Regulus would do his best to stay out of his life. Let him know that the last thing he wanted was for James to be uncomfortable because of him. But every time Regulus thought about it, he immediately chickened out. There was too much of a risk, he didn’t think he could bear to hear James let him down gently, as Regulus knew he would. He couldn’t listen to James express how he was in love with Lily and always had been. Still, Regulus spent every day thinking about him, and wishing it could be different.
He had expected to be bullied quite a bit for his preferences, but the only people who seemed to really mind were Mulciber and his friends. Sure, some people gave him strange or dirty looks, and whispered about him in the corridors. But no one besides them had outwardly expressed their opinion about his sexuality. He was grateful for it.
After the meeting in the headmaster’s office, Mulciber, Avery, Wilkes and Snape had been waiting for him in the common room. They started calling him slurs, and using some frankly, unoriginal and bland insults. When Regulus had said as much, Mulciber tried to punch him.
Regulus had ducked the punch and teleported Mulciber into the forbidden forest, straight into Aragog’s nest. Mulciber had incredible arachnophobia, so when Regulus brought him back, he was a sobbing, blubbering mess. Wilkes had promised to make him pay as they dragged Mulciber off, but Regulus paid him no mind.
Now, Regulus was on his way to a Potion’s lesson, when he heard footsteps running up behind him.
He turned to see the four bullies running toward him. Before he could grab his wand, Snape hit him with an expelliarmus, and it went flying into the greasy-haired boy’s hand.
As the boys reached him, a sickening smile grew on Mulciber’s face. “I told you we’d make you pay.” He said, rubbing his hands together like a tacky cartoon villain. (Sirius had begun to introduce him to Muggle culture, and he couldn’t help but draw a comparison.)
“Actually, I believe it was Wilkes who said that. You were too busy crying and wetting yourself like a little girl.” Regulus drawled, smirking when Mulciber’s face turned a dark red, almost purple in his anger. He cracked his knuckles menacingly.
Regulus didn’t let himself panic. He didn’t have his wand, but he did know some wandless magic, only enough for a small stinging hex. He might be able to escape using it, but he’d have to be strategic about it.
“Fuck you Black. Or can I even call you that considering you got disowned for being a fucking poof?” Mulciber sneered. He then spit at Regulus’s feet, a truly disgusting thing.
Before Regulus could retort, a hand wrapped around his neck and slammed him into the wall. He felt his back collide harshly with the cold stone, and had no doubt there’d be bruises later.
“You know what you are?” Mulciber continued, “Fucking pathetic.” He sneered. Mulciber grabbed his wand, and Regulus knew it was now or never.
He took labored breaths, Mulciber’s hand still wrapped around his throat. He murmured the words for the stinging hex, and focused on Mulciber. The bully flinched and pulled his hand away, dropping Regulus. He wasted no time in absolutely booking it out of there.
Regulus thought he had escaped as he ran, the shocked faces of Avery and Wilkes darting past him. It was only when he got to Snape that he realized it was futile. The older boy had his wand pointed at him, and unleashed a hissed spell in Regulus’s direction. His feet lifted off the ground, and no matter how he struggled, he was unable to escape.
Cruel laughter sounded behind him as he was floated back to Mulciber. He was set down against the wall, but his arms and legs were still locked still, and he was unable to move. Mulciber cracked his knuckles once again as Avery and Wilkes moved to stand beside him.
“And here I thought you were supposed to be smart, Black.” Mulciber spat. He was released and only had about half a second to feel relieved before he was punched in the gut by Wilkes, the breath stolen from his lungs. He lashed out, his fist connecting with Wilkes’s face in retaliation, his fight or flight instincts kicking in.
He only had time to register the whispered “Crucio,” from Mulciber, before he was writhing on the ground in pain.
This was not the first time Regulus had endured the cruciatus curse. Walburga had been particularly fond of using it on him and Sirius during their childhood, and over time he had built up a high tolerance for pain.
Every curse felt different if it was being administered by a different person. While Walburga’s curses had felt like sharp ice poking through his veins, Mulciber’s felt like fire burning his skin. He counted in his head and tried to clench his jaw so he wouldn’t bite his tongue.
1… 2… 3…
The cruciatus curse can be endured for about eight consecutive seconds before it becomes deadly. Before the injuries become noticeable, and your mind starts to be affected. His mother’s longest punishments had only been in seven second doses. Walburga hadn’t wanted the world to know the abuse her precious heirs endured at the hands of their mother.
4… 5… 6…
The pain was all consuming. He could focus on nothing but counting. His vision was blurry and he could feel himself getting closer and closer to unconsciousness.
7… 8…
Then all of a sudden it stopped.
He could feel himself still shaking as he looked around. Mulciber and Snape were still standing over him, but they were focused on something else. Regulus could see Wilkes and Avery’s retreating forms in the corner of his swimming vision.
He needed to get up while they were distracted. Make his escape before they tortured him more. That was too close to the point of no return. He tried to move, starting with wiggling his fingers and toes, then his arms. The residual pain in his body was awful, worse than ever before.
The world began to sharpen into more focus as something, or someone, came running into his vision, grabbing Mulciber and throwing him into the wall. He saw a messy flurry of dark hair, tan skin and golden brown eyes framed by glasses. It was James.
Regulus forced himself to sit up, dry heaving as James began punching Mulciber. Snape had run off when James showed up, and it was just the three of them now, with Regulus barely conscious.
There was a sickening crack as Regulus watched James punch Mulciber in the face repeatedly, blood spurting from his nose. James didn't seem to care when Mulciber slumped over, losing consciousness, he kept hitting him. There was a strange detached angry look in James’s eyes that terrified Regulus. He knew he had to stop this, having a horrible feeling that it could go too far.
“James…” He called weakly, his voice breaking as he struggled to stand. “James.” He repeated, firmer this time. He took a stumbling step forward and almost fell, catching himself on James’s arm. James whipped around to look at him, his eyes clouded.
Regulus squeezed his arm. “James. It’s over. You got him, it’s fine.”
James seemed to come back to himself as he glanced at Mulciber’s unconscious form. He didn’t even seem to be horrified by what he’d done, just awed. Regulus squeezed his arm again as he swayed on his feet. He was getting very close to passing out, getting up that quickly after the cruciatus curse was always a bad idea.
James looked at him. “Regulus,” He said, voice concerned and tender. “Are you alright?”
Regulus kind of wanted to cry at that. James was still being nice to him after everything, and Regulus didn’t understand how someone could be so good.
Regulus shook his head and gritted his teeth against the pain of the curse still lingering in his body. “Need Pomfrey.” Was the only thing he managed to get out before his vision went dark and he passed out in James’s arms.
______________________________________________
There were voices around him when he began to wake up, ones he recognized. They were comforting, nothing like his mother’s shrill screams. They were warm and familiar.
“Those sick fucking bastards,” One was saying, and Regulus realized it was his brother. “I’m going to make them pay for this.”
Oh no, Sirius was angry. He thought he should know why, but his mind was fuzzy and floating. He could feel his body, and the residual ache in it, a familiar one. He knew he must have been cursed again, but instead of feeling the cold hardwood floors of his mother’s study, as he was used to, he felt a rather comfortable bed around him.
“We’re more than willing to help.” Another voice chimed in, and Regulus realized it must be Barty. He must have been talking about the rest of Regulus’s friends as well, but he couldn’t remember what they were all so angry at.
He cracked his eyes open slowly, wincing as the bright lights of the hospital wing burned into his vision.
“Siri…” he choked out, the pain in his body growing steadily.
His brother’s worried face popped into his vision, his long hair swinging in front of his face as his gray eyes, a bit more blue than Regulus's, focused on him. “Hey Reg,” he whispered, ruffling his hair gently. Regulus squeezed his eyes shut as another wave of pain overwhelmed him.
“Shit, Barty go get Pomfrey.” Sirius said as Regulus curled in on himself, waiting for the pain to dull again. When it did, he opened his eyes and looked around.
His friends were there, as he’d predicted. Pandora and Evan were sitting in the chairs beside his bed, while Dorcas hovered over him. Her worried, motherly energy was present. She was the caretaker of their friend group. It was often said she was the parent.
Barty had run off to get Pomfrey, but other people were also in the room. Remus and Peter awkwardly stood off to the side, both watching him.
Regulus felt himself frown at this as he sat up, grimacing at the pain. “Sirius, what happened? Why are you all here?”
Sirius winced and opened his mouth to answer, hesitantly. Before he could speak however, Madame Pomfrey appeared with Barty in tow.
“Hello Mr.Black,” she greeted. “How are you feeling at the moment?”
Regulus squirmed a bit under everyone’s attention. He likes Madame Pomfrey, but he just wished she would go away for a bit so he could get some answers. It wasn’t like he wasn’t used to recovering from curses and pain.
“Fine. A bit sore.” He admitted. She nodded as she began pulling vials out from the cabinet beside his bed.
“That’s to be expected. Take these and they should help with the pain.” She said as she gestured to the two vials, one red and the other yellow. He knocked them back and scrunched up his face in disgust. The yellow one tasted like vomit, and the red salty, almost like blood. It was horrible.
“Now, I need to run some diagnostic spells to make sure there’s no lasting bodily damage. Hopefully the potions will kick in soon. They won’t make the pain go away entirely, but they will help numb everything a bit. They might make you a bit sleepy.” Madam Pomfrey said, her kind blue eyes crinkling in concentration. Regulus nodded along.
“Hey, is there anything I can do to help?” Barty asked, never one for sitting around when things could be done.
Pomfrey seemed to think for a moment before answering. “If you wouldn’t mind Mr. Crouch, you can take notes on what the diagnostics reveal, so that I can remember.” She said, conjuring a small notebook and pen into Barty’s hand.
“Alright, so what exactly do I do?” Barty asked, looking astounded that he’d been allowed to help.
“Just jot down what I say out loud dear.” She responded kindly before casting the spell over Regulus.
He allowed his mind to drift a bit, trying to remember what had happened to get him here as Madame Pomfrey spouted medical terms and Barty wrote them down enthusiastically, sometimes asking questions. He had a twinkle of interest in his eye, and Madame Pomfrey answered all his questions patiently. Regulus thought Barty would be good at this sort of thing, healing people. Whenever any of his friends came back with wounds from the holidays with their families, Barty was always the one who patched them up. He had been healing his own wounds from a young age.
He knew he had been cursed by something, probably the cruciatus curse. His body ached in that familiar way, but he didn’t know who had cursed him, it was unlikely his mother had snuck into the school. As he pondered it, pushing his mind farther than it should go, a migraine began to form.
Finally, Madame Pomfrey finished her spell, and by now Regulus was fully awake, the haze of sleep finally wearing off.
She determined that Regulus would be fine, in time. He was to stay on the hospital wing that night, and was told to take it easy. Was lectured on it, actually. The second she left, he turned to his brother, ready for answers.
Before he could ask however, the door to the hospital wind swung open and James came running in, a frantic, desperate air about him. He spotted Regulus and ran faster.
That was when it all came back. The memories flooded his brain, the fighting, the curse, James hitting Mulciber and saving Regulus in the process. His eyes burned with unshed tears at the memory of how James had held him when he had begun to pass out, saving him from falling.
James rushed over, the afternoon sun streaming through the windows and illuminating him. His caramel eyes, and bronze skin shone, along with his glasses. His eyes brows were furrowed in what looked like worry, and his eyes were dark with a weight Regulus hadn’t seen before. It made his stomach churn and his heart launch into his throat.
When James reached him, everyone moved out of the way at the determined look on the boy's face. Regulus could only watch in terror as James approached, wondering if this was the moment that James would tell him he wanted nothing to do with him. James wouldn’t do that, He reminded himself. Not in front of all these people.
Before Regulus could say anything, James took the younger boy’s face in his hands, cradling it gently. He was standing so close, and his hands were warm on Regulus’s skin. He smelled like the forest and broom polish.
James said nothing, his eyes scanning Regulus’s face, almost like he didn’t believe it was him. Regulus met his gaze and tried not to look away from the unbridled emotion on James’s face. He found the situation a bit odd, but he wasn’t about to start complaining about James touching him. As selfish as it may be, Regulus would take what he could get.
All of a sudden, tears started rapidly streaming down James’s face. Regulus watches in wonderment as James’s tears roll down his cheeks, carving wet trails through his brown skin.
“I-I thought you were dead,” James said in a choked out whisper. “I thought I’d never see you again. I’ve never been more upset in my life, please, please, don’t die Reg,” James rambled, tears falling faster now.
And that just wouldn’t do now would it? Someone as beautiful and wonderful as James Potter should never be sad, let alone crying. Regulus shot his brother a look, and every one of his visitors scrambled out, leaving him and James alone.
“I’m here James,” Regulus whispered back, trying to comfort James. “I’m not dead, I’m perfectly fine.” He reached up to wipe James’s tears away, but that just made the boy sob more.
“But you could’ve been,” James sobbed, “You could've died, and then what would I do?”
Regulus’s frown deepened. Obviously his words weren’t doing much to comfort James, but what else could he do?
He resisted the urge to let out a sigh when he realized what James needed. He could hope James wouldn’t hate him for it later, but right now Regulus had to find a way to calm him down.
He reached for James’s hand and scooched over on the bed, tugging James with him. He went willingly, still crying uncontrollably.
Regulus wrapped his arms around James and held him as he cried. It felt nice to be there for James, even though he never wanted him to be in pain. It was just a bit too close to Regulus’s fantasies of them together. If made his chest ache being reminded that James didn’t want him.
James seemed to calm down once Regulus was holding him, and rubbing his back gently. His sobs quieted to sniffles, and he wiped at his eyes. It seemed hugs actually did have a benefit.
“James,” Regulus whispered when he had quieted down. He looked at James and his eyes were squeezed shut, his hands fisted tightly in Regulus’s shirt. Regulus didn’t pull away from the embrace, it seemed like James needed it, and he certainly wasn’t complaining. “I’m ok.”
James let out a stuttering breath. “But you almost weren’t,” he whispered, briefly opening his eyes to meet Regulus’s. “Please don’t leave me.” He said, tears rolling down his face once again.
“I’m not going anywhere James,” he whispered, and he meant it. If James wanted him to be there, he would, always. No matter how much it would hurt. He’d put himself through it for James.
“But you did,” he sobbed, “you did leave me. You didn’t talk to me for weeks.”
Guilt immediately crushed Regulus. He didn’t think James would mind Regulus leaving him alone, he thought he would actually prefer it. He had no idea that it upset him.
“James,” he said, pulling back to face him. “I had no idea you felt like that. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable, that’s why I stayed away. That, and I’m a coward. But if you want me there, I’ll be there. We can be friends, and I won’t go anywhere, ok?”
James just cried harder. “Regulus,” he choked out, “I don’t want to be your friend.”
His heart sank. “What do you mean James?” He asked, his tone flat, emotionless. He could feel himself shutting down.
James had just said that Regulus ignoring him upset him. So if he didn’t want to be friends what else could he possibly want? He was in love with Lily, so it sure as hell wasn’t anything more. Did he want nothing to do with Regulus? That didn’t make sense.
Regulus had just put himself on the line to comfort James. He admitted that he was a coward for ignoring him. He was vulnerable, and truthful. And now James didn’t want that?
James wiped his tears away and sat up, straightening his shoulders. He had a determined look in his eyes and Regulus felt his heart sink further as he opened his mouth.
“I’m in love with you Regulus.”
Regulus stopped breathing. He had dreamed of hearing those words for years, telling himself it was pointless to love James. He had never let himself hope, for even a second, that James could feel even a little bit of what Regulus felt for him. He loved Lily after all. But maybe that wasn’t true. He thought of how the love confessions had died down in recent years. How James had looked at him when that fateful patronus spell had been cast. He had been shocked, but maybe not for the reasons Regulus assumed.
No, he thought, it’s too good to be true. It had to be a prank or something. A lie. Maybe James felt bad for him.
“James-“ he stared, but he was cut off.
“No, listen to me Regulus.” He said, still with that determined look. It would be kind of hot if Regulus wasn’t currently a nervous wreck over what James would say.
“I’m not great with words but I need you to hear this and believe me. I love you. I have for years. You make me smile, even when you’re mean to me. You’re so smart, and beautiful, and wonderful. I want to spend everyday with you, but I couldn’t because I was scared you’d never feel the same. So I kept it all in, and I didn’t tell anyone.”
James took a deep breath before continuing. “But when I saw that patronus, I had hope. I was so fucking happy Regulus. Until I realized the consequences and what your parents would do to you. So I tried to help, because I care about you, so fucking much. And I told Sirius how I feel, and he’s fine with it.”
“But if you don’t want this I will back off. But I feel the same, I love you, and I wanna be with you. Just give me a chance, please? I’ll do everything in my power to make you happy, I swear. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.” James finished, blowing out a breath. His shoulders seemed to sag with relief.
Regulus’s head was spinning. He couldn’t believe this, but he really fucking wanted to. Maybe he should stop denying himself good things. He was trying to heal after all. He thought that James would be very good at helping him do that.
“Regulus?” James whispered tentatively, “please say something.”
“Yes,” Regulus said.
James cracked a smile at his lack of words. “Yes?”
Regulus rolled his eyes, but a smile played on his lips. “Yes, I’ll give you a chance. How could I not? You’re everything I’ve ever wanted.”
James grinned brighter and bigger than Regulus had ever seen before. He looked absolutely giddy and it made Regulus smile too.
“You won’t regret it, I promise.” James said.
“I know I won’t.” Regulus said, still smiling.
James smirked. “I feel like we should kiss now.”
Regulus couldn’t even roll his eyes at that. “Get over here.” He said.
Before he knew it, James’s lips were on his, and it was the best feeling ever. He kissed him back and it was a new beginning, the beginning of something better. They stayed like that for a while, James’s hands on his waist and Regulus’s in his hair.
“Oi!” A voice called, and they finally broke away, cheeks flushed and breathing hard. “Stop snogging my baby brother!” Sirius yelled.
They both broke out in smiles, and Sirius did too as the rest of their friends all filed back into the hospital wing. Regulus looked around at the people in front of him, and gratefulness overwhelmed him. He had a chance now. A chance at true happiness. And he wasn’t going to waste it.
A yawn overcame him as his potions kicked in. He layed back down in the bed, his head on James’s chest and a smile on his face. As sleep crept in, he murmured “I love you guys.”
He felt James press a kiss to his hair. “We love you too.”
He fell asleep and dreamed of a future filled with love and laughter. At the center of it all was James, golden and bright like the sun. He felt for the first time that this dream was attainable. And he could not have been more excited for it.
The End.