If...

Severus hadn't moved, and he looked down. His long, greasy black hair hid his face, so much so that Lily could no longer see his eyes black as onyx. The witch no longer knew who to rely, who she could trust. Severus was her oldest friend in the wizard community, but he had chosen a dark path, and he had betrayed her by repeating a prophecy, without being aware of what he was doing. In a sense, she was grateful that she was still alive and could hug her child, but her husband was dead. All their plans, their future, their wishes had been swallowed up in seconds.

"Lily" Severus whispered.

"I don't want to talk to you" sighed the redhead.

"It's not that" the Death Eater protested. "I'll show you where you and your child could sleep."

Lily stood up and was guided by Severus. They climbed a rickety, dusty staircase that led to a narrow corridor with faded walls.

"You can sleep in this room" he advised, opening a door at the far end of the corridor.

The room wasn't very large but had a double iron bed with sheets from another time, bad bill. They didn't even seem to be clean. Just like the staircase, the room hadn't been cleaned for ages.

"It was my parents' room" Severus specified. "I'll do the cleaning" added he, embarrassing.

He raised his wand and cast several cleaning spells. The dust and cobwebs disappeared, while the sheets found a semblance of whiteness.

"I... I don't have a crib" he slurred.

"Harry will sleep with me" Lily said.

"If you need anything... Don't hesitate."

Lily gave him an angry look that is enough to make him understand that she had seen him enough. However, he placed a phial on the bedside table and left the room. The witch carefully placed the baby on the bed and lined him with the sheets. She looked with contempt at the phial, which was supposed to bring her a dreamless sleep, and refused to swallow its contents. She didn't trust Severus, unlike Dumbledore. How could she be sure that he wasn't going to call his Death Eaters friends to finish the job? Dumbledore said he had changed sides. Severus hadn't even denied when she wisely guessed that he had implored his master to spare Lily's life. He had mocked the rest, James, Harry, her grief.

She watched her son sleep, as tears ran down her cheeks. She wondered when she could return home, and if the members of the Order were taking care of her husband's body. She had left James alone, in their devastated house. With a feverish hand, she wiped the tears that beaded on her cheeks. How was she going to be able to take care of their baby without James? How was she going to be able to protect her son from mortal perils without her husband? She felt like she couldn't.

For an hour she stared at the ceiling and in no way sought sleep. She feared to see Voldemort's face again, to hear James's voice shatter in a howl just before his death... And she feared that a supporter of Voldemort would appear in the shadows to kill her little boy. She would never again part with her wand, and she suddenly realized that Severus had kept her. She had made that stupid mistake again. She kissed her son on the forehead and began to look for her wand on the ground floor. Lily had heard Dumbledore's spy come down the steps. His room might have been there, although the corridor had two other doors.

In her turn she went down the stairs. The steps creaked under her feet. The ground floor was dark, and the switches weren't working. Severus had certainly seized the first opportunity to transform the Muggle home into a real house of wizards. With hushed steps, she went into the living room and began to search a shaky pedestal in the hope of finding her wand.

"What do you do?" asked a deep voice, that of Severus.

With his wand, he lit a lamp on the ceiling that illuminated with candles. Lily discovered with horror that he had settled into an armchair. She hadn't even distinguished him in the darkness.

"My wand" answered Lily. "You didn't give it back."

He left his chair and pulled out of his cloak a wand made of willow wood.

"Take it" he said, handing it to her.

Lily didn't make herself pray and pulled it dry from his hand.

"I know you don't trust me" he said.

On a small table, a glass of Firewhisky, almost empty, had been put down. He had been drinking.

"No" admitted Lily. "I don't trust you."

Severus' eyes were darker than ever. The man looked like a wounded beast. He didn't even try to hide his emotions.

"I wish I could explain everything" he whispered. "I wish you'd give me a chance."

"Me? Listen to you?" she said, furious. "I've spent years trying to make excuses for you! What are you going to invent for me now? What do you regret? Yes, I know! You already said it and look at the result!"

Her green eyes formed only two slits, but when she saw Severus' grief, her anger gradually dissipated. She always blamed him for his misfortunes, but his former friend didn't feign suffering.

"Excuse me" she whispered. "I shouldn't talk to you that way. I guess you've been taking a lot of risks lately."

The wizard, darkly dressed, nodded.

"It doesn't matter" he said.

"Why did you come tonight? Dumbledore didn't seem..."

"Yes, he had forbidden me to approach you, to contact you. I imagine he knew that I would have been very well received" he said, sarcastic. "The Dark Lord doesn't know that I betrayed him, that I repeated his plans. Since he had the prophecy from me, and I had begged him for your life, he naturally informed me that he intended to act a few minutes before... before the tragedy. I had no idea you used the Fidelius Charm. Why didn't you choose Black?"

"It was our intent" answered Lily. "But Sirius thought it would be too obvious. He advised us to choose Peter at the last minute. He trusted him and so did we. Poor Peter... I guess Voldemort had to track down each of our friends, follow them..."

"You are aware that the Order has been scrutinized for a year" insinuated he.

Lily shook her head.

"Black could have been the spy and..."

"I forbid you to say that!" exploded Lily. "Sirius would never betray us! I know that his brother has become a Death Eater like you, and that you don't carry Sirius in your heart, but you are mistaken! James and Sirius loved each other like brothers, he was our wedding witness, and he's my son's godfather! He advised Peter to protect us!"

"What about the werewolf? Did he know you changed your plans at the last minute?"

Lily glared at him furiously.

"I know what you think of werewolves. Remus knew nothing, and neither would he have betrayed us" she said coldly.

Lily perfectly imagined Severus retorting that we couldn't trust these animals, their twisted mind.

"You didn't answer my question, Severus. Why did you come to our house tonight? Were you hoping to get your reward back? I guess you didn't lose because you got a widow back! Unfortunately for you, my son surv—"

Severus rushed at her. Lily thought for a moment that he was going to respond by beating her to silence her. But he didn't. He grabbed her and pressed her against his chest, squeezing her between his arms. The redhead could feel his nose sniffing the top of her hair, and tears running down her head.

"When I found out that he was planning to execute his plan tonight, I decided to betray him for good by coming to lend a hand. I finally arrived too late, and I could only get you and your son out of there."

He inspired once again.

"And you're right that I disgust you. I disgust myself too. Dumbledore said the same thing when I begged him to protect you. I didn't even think about your husband and child. I only thought about myself, my own grief, not you. Now you know everything."

He loosened his embrace and Lily stared at him. His face was dripping with tears, but his features were hard, impassive. Lily then dropped onto the couch, which she had occupied a few hours earlier, and drained the glass of whiskey from the table. The alcohol burned her oesophagus but left behind a pleasant sensation. She had never liked this strong alcohol, preferring softer and sweeter beverages. Severus crouched at her feet and held her hands tenderly.

"Dumbledore said Voldemort will return one day" whispered Lily, downtrodden.

"He has no idea" answered Severus, looking at his shoes.

"I don't want to take any risks, Sev. If there's one thing to take away from this terrible night, it's that I didn't survive to be your reward, Sev. If I survived, it was to preserve my son's life."

Lily felt the fingers of Severus tighten around her own.

"I have always loved you, Lily" he confessed. "Like a mad... I thought you would admire me, that you would love me too, if I became what you know... a Death Eater. I was wrong."

Lily's heart squeezed into her chest. She could never offer Severus what he had hoped from her for years.

"If you truly care about me, Severus, then I ask you, as a mother, to help me protect Harry, my son. If you love me, if you truly love me, then your way forward is clear, Sev. Help me to protect my son's life, and I will no longer reproach you for your previous allegiance and your past choices and actions."

"I swear, I will... I'm even willing to take the Unbreakable Vow if it will reassure you."

"No, Severus. I trust you now."

"Thanks, Lily."