Tomb
July 23, 1995
Draco
Dora, my crazy and eccentric cousin, is a force of nature, a hurricane of energy. She is impulsive and stubborn, kind and funny. I’m still surprised she was sorted into Hufflepuff. Really, what’s wrong with that Sorting Hat?
It’s been almost a month and I can say with absolute certainty that I’ve never felt so good in my life. I feel like I’ve finally found a place to call home, a hidden corner of the world where I can be whoever I want. I think I can say the same for Theo, who never seems to wipe that silly smile off his face, a smile that apparently is contagious.
The barriers we had built between us over the years were demolished in less than a week, surely our late-night chats helped. Now, I would almost dare to say that we are friends.
However, every now and then, when he thinks no one is paying attention to him, I see Theo staring into space with an expression of pure pain on his face. I can’t even imagine how much he must be suffering from Diggory’s death, I can see from here how much his absence hurts him.
Since that evening at the lake, we haven’t talked about it again, even though I had tried to bring up the subject before, he always masterfully avoided it by skirting around it.
Tomorrow will be a month since the Hufflepuff’s death and I find myself once again doing something for someone else without wanting anything in return.
You see, father, you don’t always have to have a personal gain from every action.
I open the desk drawer, grabbing the worn-out diary that I haven’t used in a while, the quill and inkwell already perfectly positioned on the wooden surface.
“Sirius, I know we can’t go out into the magical world and I realize how much I’m asking of you but I have to at least try” “Theo, and please, don’t tell anyone, had a relationship with Cedric Diggory, tomorrow is a month since his death and I was wondering if we could go to the cemetery, to his grave” “He hasn’t had a chance to grieve and I know he would never ask, even if he wanted to, let me know if we can go”
I leave the diary open on the desk. Returning to the room after lunch, the black words cover half the page.
“Draco, I’m glad you told me”
“I talked to my Moony (sorry), tomorrow night he will take you. You know, I think you should leave them alone for a while, they might understand each other better than you imagine”
“You are a good person, Draco”
I close the diary, holding it tightly to my chest, trying in vain to ignore the feeling of well-being that floods me hearing myself called a “good person” for the first time in my life. I take deep breaths, focusing on the other words he wrote, feeling more foolish than ever.
They live together. “My Moony”. Remus Lupin might understand it better than I imagine.
Holy Salazar, how did I not think of it until now?
A pureblood-halfblood couple, traitor-werewolf, both members of the Order. Voldemort would have a field day with those two.
Theodore
I realize I’m awake but I force myself with all my might not to open my eyes. If I don’t sleep, I constantly think about Cedric; if I allow my brain to be active, it bombards me with little memories together or the sound of his laughter. I try to fall asleep again, rolling onto my side, when the necklace gets caught on my shoulder, tightening around my neck.
Is this what you want? Do you want me to think about you all the time?
I grab the ring at the end of the necklace that I always keep with me. The inscription “Diggory” only appears with a direct beam of light on it, so I’m not surprised I can’t find it in the darkness of my room. I’ve slept all afternoon, again.
You said you would come back to me, where are you now?
Tears gather in my eyes, my vision blurs. I have to take deep breaths, I have to look up to stop myself from starting to sob again. Ced wouldn’t have wanted to see me like this; he always said my smile relaxed him, that he loved it when I laughed.
It hurts.
I hold the ring tightly, kissing it, when the door suddenly opens, and Malfoy strides quickly towards me, grabbing jeans and a t-shirt from the chair before throwing them at me.
“It’s eleven at night, you’ve missed dinner too,” his voice is calm and calculated, but I can hear the hint of anxiety within it. “Get dressed, we have to go,” he orders, waiting for me with his arms crossed.
I lose a heartbeat; there is only one reason why he could be acting like this, one reason that would push him into panic, and it’s the same one that terrifies me too. “Damn, have they found us? Have they discovered everything?” I ask, jumping to my feet with both legs already in my pants.
“Salazar, no!” he exclaims immediately, managing to calm at least a little the heart that is pounding wildly in my chest. “But we have to go, now.”
The panic, the fear, the anxiety haven’t disappeared though; they are still there. In the slightly higher pitch of his voice, in the look that allows me to see without blocking.
That’s why I follow him without thinking down the stairs, that’s why, when I see Lupin in the living room, I run towards him, that’s why I grab his arm as soon as I see Malfoy doing the same.
Despite the feeling of nausea and discomfort due to the sudden disapparition, it takes me a second to understand where we have landed. My throat tightens.
How the hell did Malfoy dare to bring me here? I, of all people, am not worthy of being here; he died because of people like my father. Like his father.
I become aware of the situation in an instant, realizing I’m gripping Lupin’s arm so tightly that I’ve made him bleed with my nails digging into his flesh. He brought us here, he disapparated us to this place. How the hell did Remus know?
“You betrayed me, bastard,” I shout at Malfoy, throwing myself at him. I grab him by the collar of his shirt, slamming him hard against a marble column. “How the hell could you tell anyone?” I hiss softly an inch from his face, squeezing a hand around his throat.
His eyes are black; how dare he hide from me!? How the hell does he dare to hide feelings where the man I loved is buried?
“I thought you might like to come and say goodbye to him,” his voice trembles, trying to speak with the little breath I allow him to have. His tone is flat, cold, calculated. It sounds like he’s talking about potions and not Cedric. It makes me even angrier.
“Like!? You piece of shit, how the hell could I like it!?” his hand reaches mine, trying to push it away as less and less air reaches his lungs. “It’s our fathers’ fault he’s dead! How could you even think I was worthy of coming to his grave!?”
I scream so loudly that my throat hurts, burns. I give him one last push, his head bouncing off the stone behind him, before letting him fall to the ground. Damn, I’m losing my mind.
“Draco, leave us alone for a moment,” Remus’s voice freezes me, I feel every muscle in my body tense. I don’t even turn in his direction but continue to stare at Malfoy. He gets up with difficulty before heading towards the gate.
Driven by anger and resentment, I turn towards Lupin with a sadistic smile on my face, finding somewhere a courage I don’t have, my arms spread as if to invite him. “Come on,” I hiss through clenched teeth, taking a step towards him. “Hit me, punish me, insult me, I dare you to say something I haven’t already heard from my father.”
My old professor remains motionless in his position, leaning against the wall of some family tomb with his arms crossed, a small smile distorting the scar on his face. He stays silent, looking at me almost amused.
"You want to send me back to my dad now that you know I'm gay, hmm? You want to beat me until I pass out, huh? Do you want to use the cruciatus?", I advance step by step in his direction, he shows no sign of moving, "Do whatever the fuck you want, you can never hurt me as much as he does".
A small puff comes out of his lips, detaches from the stone house, coming in my direction. I lift my chin, forcing my stupid body not to tremble with fear.
“Theodore,” his voice is amused, “you realize I live with Sirius Black, right? Do you think I do it in honor of the good old days at Hogwarts? Has it not crossed your mind that we’re together?”
I step back, as if he had hit me. My arms fall limp at my sides, I watch him as he advances, closing the distance between us.
His hand reaches my head, pulling me towards his chest before leaving a small kiss on my hair. I am surrendered in his arms, emptied of all emotion.
“I can’t imagine the pain of losing the person you love, I think I would go crazy seeing Sirius die,” his hands firmly plant on my shoulders, forcing me to turn around, putting me in front of his grave. I hadn’t even realized I was right here in front of it. “Your father’s choices shouldn’t fall on you, clear?”
I nod unconvincingly, trying to silence the screams I hear inside, trying to calm the myriad of emotions that are erupting. I can’t put the pieces back together, I can’t block anything out.
“Talk to him, give him the goodbye you wanted to give him,” his hand flies between my shoulder blades, the small pressure he is exerting feels like a stab, “I’ll wait for you with Draco at the gate, when you’re ready we’ll go home, take all the time you need.”
His lips rest on my head again, his hand continues to push me towards the white marble. I feel my body react, my legs move on their own, walking towards Ced.
The two dates are engraved on the stone, his name is carved in elegant script. A myriad of colorful flowers surround everything. He would have hated them, he would have preferred a bouquet of white roses, his favorite.
I move a little closer, to the edge of the marble, I let myself fall to my knees as soon as I see his picture.
“Hello love,” I murmur, staring into his eyes, “sorry I didn’t come sooner but I was a coward, I should have been braver.”
A smile escapes me, imagining the face he would have made hearing me say that. He was always astonished when I was terribly honest, he would make a surprised face before bursting into laughter. I seem to hear his laughter even now.
“It really hurts not having you here, you know?” I sit on the ground above the damp grass, my fingers fly over the ground, gripping the green blades tightly trying to release some nervousness.
“My life is so different now, I don’t even live in my own house anymore,” I pull the blades of grass, tearing them a few at a time. “I’m not afraid of Malfoy anymore but we’re even friends,” my stomach twists thinking about how I treated him before. “I told him we were together and he didn’t curse me, can you believe it?”
“In fact, it’s thanks to him that I’m here today,” I murmur under my breath, the guilt gripping my chest.
I focus on his moving picture, his eyes are able to dig into me, to kill me even if they’re not real.
“I kind of hate you, you know? You left me alone, you promised you would come back to me, you gave me your ring so I could give it back to you after the tournament and instead I still wear it around my neck.”
I grip the necklace tightly, letting Ced’s figure blur because of the tears, I release all the pain I’ve been trying to hold back for a month. “I hate you so much Ced,” I struggle to recognize my voice, it’s distorted by crying, by pain. “And I love you so much it drives me crazy, I miss you so much I sometimes want to stop breathing.”
I rest my fingers on the marble, tracing the dates and his name slowly. My forehead collapses on his picture. I remain motionless like that for I don’t know how long, crying desperately while memories of Ced repeat continuously behind my eyelids.
I have no right. I can’t afford to do it, I’m not worthy of behaving as I have so far.
I grip the golden handle tightly until my knuckles turn white, I can’t enter his room as if nothing happened, as I have done this month. I can’t enter without knocking, I don’t deserve it.
He didn’t look me in the face as soon as I returned to them at the cemetery, he was looking at the ground. As soon as he got home, he ran to his room, without giving me time to say a single word. I don’t blame him.
He probably hates me now, he has every right to hate me. I hit him, I hurt him. That doesn’t change the fact that I want to apologize to him, that I want to make amends.
I take a deep breath before placing my knuckles on the wooden surface. I wait in silence, I hear the beats in my ears. I wait for him to give me permission to invade his room.
"Come in."
Slowly, I cross the threshold. I find him sitting on the bed, legs crossed. His pupils are still black, he has a red mark on his neck right where I grabbed him. "You never knocked before," he says in a sharp voice, his gaze is empty, almost lost.
"Sorry," I say immediately, bowing my head slightly. It will be useless to avoid the conversation, to beat around the bush. "What you did for me today was important, I really appreciated it and I am truly sorry for attacking you."
"You can hit me too, if you want," I add as soon as I see his eyes clear a bit, returning to some point of that ghostly gray I am used to.
"Don’t be ridiculous," he murmurs, stretching his legs, "I just wanted to be a good friend, I didn’t want to cross any boundaries."
His voice is small, he seems defenseless, I would even say scared.
I huff, sitting directly next to him. "You didn’t cross any boundaries, on the contrary, you gave me the right push to be able to do it," I say, studying his reaction to my closeness. He lets out a small smile.
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asks in a sweet voice, probably already prepared for a refusal from me, as it has always been this month.
Damn, am I really going to talk to Draco Malfoy, son of Lucius Malfoy, nephew of Bellatrix Lestrange, about my story with Cedric Diggory?
"It started last year, right after he was announced as the champion for Hogwarts,’ I grab his ring to find the courage to continue talking. ‘He made me laugh so much and I was scared to death."
Draco looks at me with total attention, listening to every word as if I were an oracle. "I mean, scared is an understatement, can you imagine what my father would have done if he found out?"
He rolls his eyes, masking his nervousness with a laugh, we both know that if my father had found out, I wouldn’t be here to tell it.
"I fought that feeling with all my might, after all, it was wrong, wasn’t it? That’s what we’ve always been taught," my voice breaks. I think back to all the moments I wasted with Cedric because of fear, I think back to how much we missed because I was running away from what I felt, I think back to all the horrible things I said to him to push him away from me.
"But how could it be wrong if I felt so good, so free for the first time in my life?" I ask rhetorically, the pain I felt seeing him dance with Cho I don’t think I can forget, it was jealousy that finally pushed me into his arms.
"I even talked about you with him, you know how scared I was that you would find out," a smile spontaneously arises as I think back to that evening at the Black Lake. "I was really afraid of getting a Crucio when I confessed it to you."
My smile fades as soon as I look into his eyes for a moment. They are black again, empty.
"Did you really think I was capable of hurting you? You never even considered me your friend, you kept me close because you thought I was the one informing your father about what you were doing."
I said the wrong thing, damn it.
Malfoy gets up from the bed, standing in front of me. "You still do it now, don’t you? You keep me close only because I gave you a way out."
"Are you stupid?" I didn’t exactly mean to say that, it came out worse than I thought. "You’re my friend, dumbass, it’s normal that I was afraid of you because I didn’t know you."
I get up too, standing in front of him. "You could have turned your back on me and you didn’t, you could have demanded favors in return and you didn’t want to, you’re my friend because you’re a good person, idiot."
His eyes return to being gray, his expression oscillates between joy and confusion for all the insults I threw at him.
"You were brave in asking for help and I haven’t been afraid of you for a while, you fool."
"Hey," he mutters as a small pout forms on his face, evidently deciding to feel more offended than happy.
"I care about you, Malfoy, really."
In an instant, he’s hugging me, his head hiding in my neck. It’s absurd that I came to him, it’s the second time it happens.
"I care about you too, Nott."
I drag him onto the bed ready to tell him every single detail of my relationship with Diggory, whether he wants to or not. Every single detail.