Chapter 4
It is not fair.
He has James.
But also not.
James doesn’t know his true intentions and Regulus feels bad about him not knowing. He thought he could ignore it, but now that his feelings are becoming real he doesn’t want it to have started with a lie. James has to know.
He has already invited him over, but still hasn’t decided what to say. How do you tell someone you dated them only for your own benefit and not because you actually like them. And now, even worse, now, Regulus does actually like James.
James. The James he gets. James who makes him smile, not with loud jokes, but with small touches and meaningful words whispered between the both of them. Not for anyone else's ears to hear or their eyes to see, just for him.
His James isn’t loud and annoying. Rambunctious at all times. James who is gentle and restrained. That’s how Regulus knows him now. He wishes he could have seen that earlier, and could have avoided this whole mess. He’s going to miss him, his James, who actually turned out to be his perfect match.
Regulus figured it would be best to just be honest now, get it over with, he has invited James over and just tell him, not make it harder than it already is, drag it out even longer.
They’re sitting down. Legs on the couch facing each other. Regulus can already feel tears pricking in his eyes. It hurts to hurt James. God, he is an idiot. James does not deserve this.
“Uhm,” he starts hesitantly, voice already cracking, “I gotta tell you something and you’re… you are going to hate me for it.”
“Reg, I could never hate you,” James tries to console him. He moves his hand to Regulus’ cheek, but he intercepts it and just holds it. Soaking up some of James’ warmth now that he still has it. Oh, how he is gonna miss James after he speaks his next words.
“I- I didn’t wanna date you,” he starts slowly, “I just wanted to date someone so I knew what to write and you ask, you’re always asking. Win-win you know, but then. Then I actually started liking you, but I already fucked it up from the beginning. And- And I’m just so sorry. So sorry James. You don’t deserve this. I really am so, so sorry.”
Only after he is done rambling does he dare to look up at James. He peels his eyes away from where they were focussed on their hands.
James looks so sad. Like a small cat, rain-soaked and full of fleas abandoned next to a busy road. But Regulus can’t save him, he is the one that put him there. In the cardboard box, ready for some else to fix, to keep, to love.
He follows a tear running slowly from James’ eyes, over his cheek. Dripping from his jaw onto his shirt, leaving a wet spot where the soft material soaked up the salty tear. You caused that, he thinks. You did, you did, you did. You’re mean and nobody likes you once they get closer. Only you could be this cruel.
James’ brow furrows. “I- What- Reg-,” he stammers, confusion clear in his expression. Regulus gives some time for the words to sink in. For James to understand how evil Regulus is. “What, what do you mean? What do you mean?”
“I only agreed to date you for my own selfish reasons, not because I actually like you.” He tries to be as clear as possible, he wants James to know everything there is to know, every lie uncovered.
He feels terrible, but he can imagine how awful James must feel. James is never one to hide his emotions, but to see him now, schooling his face into a stone cold unreadable expression, it is scary. Regulus doesn’t get to know him anymore. Only the tears steadily rolling down his face betray how he feels.
He stands up and walks to the door without saying anything or looking at him. His hand is on the doorknob, ready to leave, he just stands there like he is waiting for Regulus to take it all back, to wake up from this nightmare, because no person could actually be this cruel, right?
“You were everything, Reg.” He doesn’t say it to him, he is facing the door when he says it. James leaves his flat and Regulus breaks. Silent sobs wrecking through his body. He will only ever know two things: longing and heartbreak.