it was raining. as harry potter looked out the window of the cafe he was at in east new york, brooklyn, he raised a hand to the glass and looked out. his reflection in his cup of wizard coffee reflected him. he was... not happy... just... harry... so anyway he thought about how he does not have a job. he thought maybe since he was 39 years old, it was time to shake a leg and really start looking.
"i know!" he shouted while snapping and raising a finger. "I'll ask this cafe if they're hiring!"
he marched up to the coffee bar. it was loud because the coffee machinery was loud. he yelled, "hey! can i work here?!" and nobody heard him. he decided that since his voice was loud and not gaining attention, the next best course of action was to scream even LOUDER this time that there was an active explosive he hid in the building somewhere. everybody evacuated the building and the entire block and several surrounding blocks had been shut down by the NYPD and FDNY for the next 10 hours for an investigation while the fbi and bomb squad came to clear the area. CBS2 news and ABC7 reported on this event all day and interviewed a guy named dj spit. dj spit was the tempermental neighborhood crackhead and had REALLY small hands and pretty much everything he'd say was nearly unintelligible. when the reporter asked him what he thought of the event, he said, "catch me on soundcloud" and his interview was deleted as soon as possible. since everything was fine after that, everything returned to normal immediately.
the next day, went back to the cafe and sat in the window with another cup of coffee. he was fresh out of ideas. across the street was a bank. it was wells fargo. he didn't have any experience in banking or counting or customer service since he has never been employed before, but he figured he'd give it a try.
he walked in wearing his best outfit. he had on a tshirt that was 2 sizes too small with a picture of a heavily tattooed pilsbury doughboy smoking weed on it, lululemon leggings, a stethoscope, welding gloves, and blue uggs. THIS was the outfit that would get him hired on the spot!
when he walked in, the security guard said "hey sir, you look familiar to the guy the government is looking for from yesterday's cafe incident." harry potter held up his stolen id he had taken from Florida Governor Ronald Dion DeSantis (R) the last time they had been out in daytona beach together buying ciggies from 711.
the security guard said "my apologies" and smiled and nodded and motioned for harry potter to continue into the bank.
harry potter got to the teller line and the next teller available raised her hand to him and said, "i can help you here, come on over:)"
harry potter glided towards her and she said, "hi, how are you?" and he said "unemployed and gay". the teller did not know how to respond to this so she said, "oh, okay. do you have id or a debit card so i can pull up your accounts and we can get started?"
harry potter started to SWEAT. he didn't have an account here! how would he tell her he wasn't there for any transactions and he just wanted to fill out an application?
"yes ma'am, but uhh, i, erm, uhh, i do have to admit, i left my debit card at home. and also my id died in a car crash before i was born. so i have neither..."
the teller looked at him confusedly. she said, "well, if you have neither, that's okay, i can look you up another way. i'll have you type in your SSN on this small 10 digit keyboard and that'll surely pull up your accounts."
harry potter just HAD to jump to the chase.
"look, lady, you seem very nice, but i'm not interested. i'm flattered you want my digits, but i'm not looking for anything serious. my now ex husband just left me for a lifer in prison and i didn't know he was writing this prisoner letters for the past 10 years or so, give or take. he finally has run away to live closer to the prison and be with his now NEW husband. the marriage was anulled and i gained nothing from our split but lost my social security card and the memory of all the numbers when i had my brain operated on yesterday to get rid of a brain eating amoeba i had picked up while swimming in a river in new delhi, india. i went there soul searching when i should have been grinding and hustling."
the teller gave polite nods and empathetic "mm-hmm? oh okay"s throughout his schizoid monologue.
finally the teller said, "sir, i think i can help you. would you like a job here? it's full time, benefits like medical, dental, vision, pet insurance, gym reimbursement, a high starting pay, bonuses yearly, and you're guaranteed job security."
harry potter GASPED. he didn't even have to ask for a job! the teller that had absolutely NO control over hiring people had just offered him a position!
"ma'am, thank you for your time, but i believe my expertise is above this back alley looking place. after speaking with you, i can tell you are FAR too dumb to have a decent job and i am simply overqualified for a lame job like this. now if you'll excuse me, i'm going to go find a REAL job." and he stormed out. he high-fived the security guard as he walked out SO HARD that the security guard said, "ouch!".
harry potter sighed and took a swig out of his limited edition starbucks baby blue stanley cup filled with brisk iced tea from last week that he had left on his dresser and forgotten about until an hour ago. maybe having a job like that was too far underneath him, but the world was his oyster! he realized he was destined for greatness. that's when he saw it.
LAUNDROMAT/TAX SERVICES/FOOT SPA. this was the perfect place to work. he knew what a washing machine was. he has heard of taxes before, and he LOVES feet. THIS was the job fit for him!
the outside of the building was decent. the banner above the door was faded by the sun. there were opaque curtains in the windows. there was a neon border around a handmade sign written on computer paper that said "21+ ONLY".
he opened the front door to a long hallway lit with bright fluorescent lights. at the end of the hallway, there was a corner to turn leading to another long hallway. at the end of that hallway, there was a solid iron door. it said, "knock plz" and he knocked. the door cracked open slowly. a white old man with dreadlocks peeked out. it was hey arnold's grandpa. he said, something in presumably a slavic language and harry potter said, "i don't speak spanish, sorry" and hey arnold's grandpa's demeanor shifted quickly from suspicious to friendly, warm, and inviting. he said in a nasally voice, "good, so you're not a spy. come on in! and opened the door open more.
upon walking into the room, harry had looked around. there was a metal foldy chair seated in front of a single television. the rest of the room was empty. it padded walls like in a psych ward, linoleum floor, bright overhead lights, but nothing else. hey arnolds grandpa said, "hey, short man! i have a training video for you to watch before we interview you. have a seat and i'll be right behind you". harry potter delightfully sat down in front of the tv and hey arnold's grandpa turned it on with a remote.
the screen showed a white man with thinning, short strawberry blonde hair. he was about 40, glasses, and his eyes were slightly watery and bloodshot. he had on what looked to be a slightly obscure metal band tshirt on. this man looked around and said, "is anybody else here an adult cocomelon fan?" the tv turned to loud static for a few seconds until the lights went completely dark along with the tv shutting off as well. harry was confused. what was going on?
the lights came back on after a couple of seconds of silence.
harry potter saw ALL his friends!
"SURPRISE!!"
they were all standing together as a group under a big custom-made party banner that read, "welcome to your first day at work!" drake was wearing a party hat and blew into a kazoo. ted kaczynski threw confetti and a scientist in a lab coat started breakdancing and beatboxing.
harry potter couldn't believe it! his first job! AND all his friends were supporting him on his journey to becoming the next CEO of LAUNDROMAT/TAX SERVICES/FOOT SPA.
unfortunately seconds later, the fbi kicked the door open and shouted for everyone to put their hands up and threw harry potter to the ground to arrest him for the previous day's whole debacle with the yelling about explosives that didn't exist. harry potter yelled, "it was just a prank! it was just a prank! look, there's even a camera!" the fbi laughed as did everybody else in the room.
everyone lived happily ever after til the cows came home.
THE END