How is it possible to love when you never had a role model growing up? How can you know if you love someone, when your parents never sat you down to talk about it, or even gave you an example within their relationship? To Regulus, he doesn't know how to love. It's not something he does, at least not naturally. Of course, he loves Sirius. He knows he loves Sirius because he is his older brother, and the only person he has looked up to his entire life. He knows he loves Barty, because he's always been his friend and someone he would die for. But it is different. That kind of love is different — it’s easy, simple. It doesn’t change anything in your life, not like romantic love.
Desiring someone, worshipping the little things about them; flaming at small touches and gestures… that is scary. Is scary because it means change, vulnerability. Regulus despises it.
He’s not sure when it happened, or how, but he knows that now, he can’t stop thinking about it.
Every morning, when James enters the kitchen with puffy, sleepy eyes, rubbing his fingers on them, Regulus feels peace within a war.
James is a good person. He’s sweet, and he’s caring. He’s miles away from what Regulus will ever be.
There are beats where he wonders if James feels the same, if he can feel the electricity sparkling around them with just a look — he’s not sure, but he knows James sees right through him with simple gestures like grinning whenever Regulus looks away, flushed by something he has said. He knows because he can feel his gaze piercing through his skin every time.
And it feels good. It feels good for a while, when he pretends James is not entirely off limits. When he pretends that he is capable of giving in to someone and display his open wounds; let them heal with time.
It’s good when he pretends he isn’t betraying his best friend everytime he even thinks of James this way.
In front of the mirror, he tells him it’s not his fault. That his feelings aren’t something he can hold and twist when he pleases. However, the truth is that it is, indeed, his fault.
It’s his fault, because he knows how much Lily loves James. Because he knows that James loves her, too. They’ve had a lifetime together, grew and changed together — love doesn’t fade away that easily. Not with them.
He’s seen Lily after the breakup, held her and heard her cry.
It’s his fault, because even after all of that, he still hurts at the possibility of James finding his way back to Lily. It’s not fair. It’s mean, heartless.
But he can’t help it.
Not when James grabs his hands, warming them up when the living room is freezing. Not when James laughs warmly at everything he says, and knows how Regulus takes his coffee by heart.
He could blame James. Could say he is the one making him fall in love — but that is the farthest from truth he could reach.
Guilt is something Regulus knows how to deal with. Half of his life was spent with guilt; now, however, it was burning him from inside out. Everytime he sees her emerald eyes gazing at him, smiling, hugging him; he feels dirty. He’s not deserving of a love like hers, not when her ex-boyfriend is in his mind every night, and she doesn’t even dream about it.
“Hi.” There’s a knock on his door, and Regulus puts down his book to welcome Sirius in his room, “Are you okay?”
“Yes. Just studying.” Lie. His mind has been away ever since he put his eyes on the paper, too busy reading over Lily’s handwriting on top of the paragraphs.
“Okay…” he’s not convinced, but doesn’t push any further before laying down a chocolate bar on the bed, “Thought you’d fancy one of these.”
He leans forward, taking it in hands, “Thanks.”
“If you need anything, call James. I’m going out now.”
Regulus presses his lips in a thin line, because he wouldn’t need James’ help for anything. Yet, he knows he’ll end up in his bedroom, chatting and drinking every movement of his.
And that is exactly what happens. He doesn’t control his feet when he’s rushing through the hallway in the middle of the night, knocking softly before opening the door.
James is on his phone, spreaded in bed. His face lights up at the sight of Regulus.
“Hi. Are you good?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I just got bored.” By now, he doesn’t need to ask before coming in, closing the door behind him.
The sound of it going shut marks one more betrayal.
James sits down, elbows resting on top of his knees as he watches Regulus lean against his desk. It’s silent. Gazes being exchanged, and he doesn’t need to say anything for Regulus to understand he knows exactly what’s going through his mind. I want you.
“How’s studying going?” He plays safe, aiming for a better conversation. Always avoiding the topic. The so obvious, painful issue.
“Good,” he breathes out, “I think I’m prepared for the exam.”
“Of course you are. You’re clever.” If it was anyone saying it, Regulus would brush it off. But it’s James, so he takes it and holds it fondly.
“I was wondering… if you want coffee? Maybe watch a movie?”
One beat. Another betrayal.
James’ smile widens, and when he says, “I wouldn’t want anything else,” it’s the beginning of a battle Regulus knows he wouldn’t win.
He follows James down the kitchen, and they laugh, and they talk. They look and they yearn, but nothing is done. It makes it better somehow, because at least, it’s just his fantasies and nothing more.
On the sofa, they’re silent. Regulus’ legs on top of James’ as their eyes are locked on the screen. It’s quiet, and bittersweet.
“I hate her.” James says, and Regulus frowns.
“Why?”
“I mean—” he sighs, pausing the show, “I don’t hate her, I just hate that she has no self-respect. He doesn't love her, period.”
“She loves him,” he remarks.
“She has to love herself first.”
He nods carefully, “You’re right, but it’s not her fault he’s cheating on her, is it?”
“No. But it’s her fault that she’s staying, and breaking her heart.”
“It’s complicated, I think. If I loved someone, so hard, more than I loved anything else… I think I’d also gaslight myself into believing he doesn’t love someone more than he’ll ever love me, because he is mine. In a way, he is.”
James’ eyes linger on him, and it burns. Hard. Regulus looks away, head against his palm as he sucks in.
He hates how James always knows.
“You’re right,” he finally replies, “love makes you self-destructive.”
He nods, and restrains himself to silence once again.
— — —
When he sees Lily, he knows it. He knows she’s not well. The concern weirds his guts out, but he still asks, “Did something happen?”
She snaps her eyes out of the book, and nods slowly, “Yeah. Yes, I am.”
Lie.
“You can talk to me.” You can trust me , it’s what he wanted to say, but that’s not true. Not entirely.
“It’s silly. I know you and James are friends,” his heart twists, “and we have not been together for nearly 6 months, but— I saw him this morning. He was on his way to work, probably. He didn’t even look my way, and I hated it. He used to always notice me, and it’s stupid, because he’s not my boyfriend anymore, but I can’t help but feel like dying whenever I see him now.”
Words are stuck on Regulus’ throat as he hears. He nods along, pretending he doesn’t, somehow, hate her for it. It’d be easy if she didn’t love him. But she does, probably better than Regulus could ever do.
“It’s okay to hurt.” He decides to say, “It takes time.”
“I wish it didn’t.” He stays quiet, until she’s breaking the silence again, “Is he okay? How– how is he doing?”
“He’s fine. Working a lot. We barely talk.” Lie. He talks to James more than he should, for someone who’s his best friend’s ex.
“Do you think… Do you think we will ever get back together? When life is treating me better.”
And there it is. The moment where Regulus has to choose between being a snake, and being a friend.
He knows they will. They will always find each other, no matter the situation, the timeline, the universe — Lily Evans and James Potter were born to be side by side. One barely works without the other, even when James’ eyes on Regulus’ makes him feel like maybe he stands a chance.
His breath itches, and he says, “I don’t know.”
It’s safe, but just as cruel.
She nods, a sad smile before her eyes return to the book. Regulus dies softly inside, fingertips white by the strength he’s putting on the edges of the table.
Love makes you self-destructive, yes, but sometimes, you’ll destroy others along the way.
— — —
There is a line that Regulus has been approaching for months. Now, he’s an inch away from crossing it — wind has been blowing him forward, but he was always strong enough to keep steady. He never moved, always careful not to break Lily’s heart more than he already did by loving James.
And, he tries to convince himself the guilt wasn’t on him when that line was crossed.
He was with James, standing by the balcony. Hot coffee in his hands as he rambled about work. All Regulus did was watch, or at least, he promised himself that.
He swore he wasn’t doing anything, even when he kept leaning closer, and closer.
He wasn’t doing anything when James was looking at him, or when he smiled at him. He swore he didn’t smile back.
“You’re beautiful.” Regulus’ heart stops at that.
“James.” He warns.
“I know.” Of course he does. Words were never necessary, “but you gotta stop looking at me that way.”
“What way?”
“In a way that makes me wonder if I am going insane.”
He grins, “Maybe you are, because I ain’t doing anything.”
And just like that, his coffee was shattering on the floor. James’ hands on his jaw as they intertwined, lips on lips, hands running through each other’s body. It was desperate, and Regulus’ stomach sank every time the rush of James’ tongue sent shivers through his body.
At the end of the tunnel, he could taste Lily. He could taste her strawberry lip gloss, and her cherry perfume. Her shampoo and the smell of her clothes. He tasted the way she looked at James, and the way her heart shattered at every mention of him. He tasted her salty tears and her shaky body when Regulus embraced her, and told her it was okay.
Still, he wraps his arms around James’ neck, and pulls himself closer.
“Lily,” he manages to whisper.
“Shut up.” It’s all he says before they’re heading to his room.
Regulus is sure that was the night he lost everything. Lost the last hope of being an actual good person. Lost Lily, and somehow, lost James as well.
He laid on the bed, deep in his sleep. In another universe, Regulus would smile, play with his hair, kiss his cheek and fall asleep.
In this one, he just stands up and jumps back into his clothes before going outside. Heart sinking at every step, and tears strangling him as he pushed them back.
He needs Lily more than anything, but she is the last person he could go to.
And the issue starts when he is not even sure if he really regrets it. He hates betraying Lily, but he could never hate the way James held him, kissed him and introduced him to hell disguised as heaven.
He lets himself burn to the ground. Spends days planning on how to stop James, blaming him instead of accepting the consequences of his own actions; but everytime his lips are on his skin, he forgets about the world. His limbs work faster than his brain, like he is not in control of his own body. He lets himself be tangled by the siren song, mind blank at the hurtfulness of his actions.
James doesn’t mention anything either. Like Lily never existed, and Regulus hates him for it. For the first time, he has found something he hates on James, because he can’t drown alone. He can’t go down without James; can’t face Lily without him.
He’s a coward that needs someone to take the blame with him, so he can convince himself he’s not the villain of the story. At least not the only one.
For weeks, he separates himself between being James' lover and Lily’s best friend. He smiles at her, hears her, laughs with her. He lets her talk about how much she loves him, and allows her to mention her relationship with James.
It’s antagonising. Almost like James is tricking Regulus, trying to expose him inside-out; reconnecting with Lily while Regulus is in his bed every other night.
And the worst is that he knows he’ll be discarded. He knows that James and Lily hanging out would eventually mean him being dumped.
He shouldn’t hate Lily for it. Yet he does.
— — —
“What are you so smiley about?” Regulus asks, because James’ grin could outshine the Sun.
“ Huh? ” he looks up, “ Oh . Nothing. Just talking to Lily.”
Ouch.
“Oh. Nice.”
James doesn’t reply, so he buries himself on the sofa. Chin on his knees as he hears the soft chuckles coming from his side.
“So,” against his own will, he talks again, “are you two going to get back together?”
“Excuse me?” Somehow, James is offended.
“It’s just a question.”
“We’re friends.”
“But you love her.” There is no sense in contorning the subject.
James takes a while to respond. Jaw slack and eyebrows pressed together. His eyes analysing Regulus and the origin of those thoughts.
“I– yes. She was my girlfriend for 7 years, of course I love her.”
They always say the truth is ice and sharp, and still Regulus never imagined it could cut so deep.
“So that means—”
“I’m with you, Regulus. I don’t want to go back to Lily. Our past does not stop my future, which is you .”
“Then why am I a secret?”
Unfair. It’s unfair for both of them, because they have to be a secret. Regulus doesn’t want to be anything but a secret, still he has to blame James for it.
“Because it’s complicated. Lily–”
“ Lily ,” he spits out.
“She is your best friend.”
“I know.”
“And my ex.”
“I’m aware.”
“I can’t hurt her like that, you know it.”
James will always put Lily’s heart above Regulus’. It’s plain, simple, obvious and clear. No one can fight it. He could’ve said they must prepare her for it, give Regulus a glimpse of hope for a future where they don’t have to hide. But he doesn’t. He says that he can’t hurt her. Just that. Simple as a warning that they will never go much further than illicit kisses.
Guilt falls over him. The realisation that he has lost respect for his best friend, that he doesn’t love her anymore, even if he tries to convince himself he does. Slowly, he poisoned himself with James’ existence. He erased the love Lily gives him, grasped it and twisted into loathe, because she will always be his.
James will never be on the palm of his hand.
So, he looks at him, and nods slowly, hoping that somehow he could poison himself into hating James as well.
— — —
Lies are short lived. You could be the best actor, circling around a table and dodging the bullet, and still, eventually, the truth will surface.
Maybe someone is smarter than you. Perhaps you just overestimated yourself.
Most of the time, you just slip up.
“Hi Reg!” Lily’s smile clouds his vision, and he allows her to wrap her arms around his neck, “How are you?”
“Perfect.” Lies. He has become an expert at lying to her.
“You won’t believe what happened,” she breathes out, and Regulus can’t bring himself to feel happy for her.
“Tell me.” He smiles.
“Remember the philosophy exam I was panicking about?” He nods carefully, “I fucking got it.”
“Oh. Oh, that’s amazing.”
“Yes. I only got one question wrong. Can you believe it?”
They start walking, and Regulus follows her in silence, nodding along at everything she says.
“Of course, I couldn’t have done it without James.”
He gulps, “James?”
“Yeah,” she shrugs, “We had study sessions. He was helping me.”
“ James was helping you with philosophy?”
“Yeah…” she laughs, clearly uncomfortable at the reaction.
“Oh.”
“Why? What’s wrong with that?”
“Nothing,” he shakes his head. James has been out of school for years, and he has never once mentioned meeting up with Lily, alone, to help her study for a subject he wasn’t even studying at the moment, “You’re back together?”
He asks, because he needs to know. He needs to know if James has been lying, if he has been fooled. He has no right to, but he needs to know.
“No,” relief washes over him, “but— I mean. I know him. I think that slowly we’ll get there.”
Regulus grimaces, swallowing everything down.
Slowly we’ll get there.
He can’t even argue with that. He has his days counted. The clock is ticking and instead of jumping off, he’s just waiting for the explosion.
“You don’t seem happy with it,” she points out.
“I am.” He lies.
“Regulus,” she stops in her tracks, and he looks over his shoulder, blinking slowly, “What’s going on?”
“Nothing.”
“Then why are you so weird?”
“I am not.”
“Regulus,” she shakes her head, softly, quietly. Regulus can sense she is close to finding out just by the way he reacts at the mention of James’ name. The same way she did when they broke up, “You can talk to me.”
“Lily–”
“You should be happy for me. Why aren’t you happy for me?” He stays quiet, and watches her face change with time, “Regulus,” it’s almost like a plea.
“I’m sorry.” It’s all he says. Her eyes change, bars coming down, locking Regulus out. He can’t read them anymore, she doesn’t allow it. He has lost her.
“What’s going on?”
“Lily–”
She doesn’t let him continue, “Are you with him?” It’s all she asks, and when he gulps, she is breathing out, heavily, “Fuck no…”
“Lily, please–”
“How long?”
“... a month, maybe two.”
“You’re joking. You have to be joking.”
“I’ve tried,” he confesses, “I swear for months and months I didn’t do anything. He was the one who kissed me in the first place— I, I didn’t want to love him, Lily.”
“You love him,” she chuckles. No tears dropping, but face burning in anger, “You love him. You consoled me when I cried, you told me I’d be okay, and all this time you were fucking him behind my back?!”
“No! No. I did have feelings for him, but I respected you—”
“You didn’t. If you ever respected me you would’ve stayed away.”
“What about him?! He kissed me ! I tried to tell him it was wrong but he didn’t let me! Are you not going to blame him, too?”
“He wasn’t with me,” it’s a breath, voice mixing with the wind, “He wasn’t my boyfriend anymore. You were my best friend. ”
There’s distance cutting in between them. He watches her slowly drifting away, and doesn’t lift his hand to even try to reach her anymore. A lonely tear rolls down his cheek, unable to reply.
Regulus Black. Always so deep in his victimisation to even see the situation by that point of view. James didn’t have anything to do with Lily for months, but he , he had Lily’s trust beating at the edges of his skin.
“You can’t possibly not be mad at him.”
“I am. I am hurt that he went and fucked my best friend, but I am… I am disgusted by you.”
“I tried.”
“If you really cared, you wouldn’t even have dreamt about it. You would’ve stopped him. You would’ve told me, and I would have forgiven you.” His gaze drops to the floor, “But you didn’t. You went and stabbed me in the back. You faked sympathy.”
“I’ll leave him.”
“Don’t. Have him all for yourself, Regulus.”
Steps echo through the street. He stays there; body slowly dissolves as guilt eats him alive.
And there it is. The explosion. The moment the bomb stops ticking and everything rings on your ears, blowing each vein in your body until your heart stops beating.
James is slipping through his fingers as Lily walks away, following her as she paces through the sidewalk, and Regulus is naked. Without Lily, and naturally without James too.
— — —
He is the one to break it. He is the one dumping James for the sake of his pride. Selfishly, he sucks his own lip and watches the way James’ eyes burn on him.
“I don’t get it,” it’s what he says, but Regulus knows that he understands perfectly, “Lily is hurt, but she’ll get over it. C’mon, Reggie…”
He squirms away when James’ fingertips ghost on his cheek, “No. Please, James. No. I can’t take it.”
“I love you.”
He shakes his head. James loves him, surely he does. He doesn’t need a reminder — the problem is that he will always love Lily more.
“You need her,” he whispers, eyes locked on his, “You will always need her. I can’t be with you if all I’ll ever do is burn alive. If I’ll always taste her on your lips.” James sucks his breath in, and Regulus has to look away, “Tell me you never thought about her when you were with me. Tell me you don’t see her in my eyes, and I won’t leave you.”
Silence.
“Regulus.”
“James.”
“ I love you. ”
“That’s not what I asked.” He looks back at James, his eyes are unreadable. Shining in sorrow, eyebrows linked together and breathing heavily, “You can’t have both.”
He closes his eyes, and Regulus finally feels like a fool. He finally sees how weak he has been, how stupid he was for ever thinking this could end well. For ever thinking that James would ever choose him.
He doesn’t say anything before walking away. James doesn’t stop him, and even if he tried, Regulus would’ve still walked up the stairs, and started packing.
It’s sudden, and he feels bad for Sirius, for Euphemia and Fleamont. He feels bad for walking away. He feels bad for himself, feels bad for Lily, and for her broken heart. He feels the disgust she holds towards him as bright as day.
His entire skin calls for James, calls for the future they could’ve had if life was different. In the back of his mind, he thinks about a world where he had come first than Lily, and makes himself believe James would use that love for him. The truth, however, is that Lily could show up when they’re 50, and she would steal his heart on the spot.
He’s not his to take. He was never his, and there isn’t a universe where James Potter belongs to Regulus Black, so he calls Barty, and leaves the Potter household in silence, hoping that someday, the love he has for him will fade away. Hoping that with time, he forgives himself for hating someone who didn’t do anything but trust him, all because he wasn’t strong enough, enough of a good person.