Chapter 4
Sirius is terrible at staying quiet about secrets. Especially to James. By morning, James has heard the story seven times over. Maybe more. He's lost count. No offense to Sirius, but if he hears it again he's going to leave. At some point he wonders if he's gonna need to put tape over Sirius’s mouth to shut him up…
Eventually, Sirius does stop talking momentarily. He runs a hand through his long hair, a distressed expression on his face.
“I…I just don't know what to do. He's one of them now. But at the same time…he's still my little brother. He's still the same kid he was before. But…I dunno. I don't think it'll stay like that. It didn't with any of our cousins. Especially not Bellatrix. She took the mark and ran with it. Andromeda is the only one on that side of the family that didn't end up being one. She's the whole reason I got out of that house. But, at the same time…I should've taken him with me when I left. I should've saved him. I didn't. I made it so much worse. And the worst thing is, I made it so nobody was protecting him anymore. They were always talking about making one of us the Mark. I guess I made him the only option left. And…I don't think I will ever be able to forgive myself for that. If I had just stayed a little longer, convinced him to come with me, maybe it would've not turned out this way. I don't know. All I know is that it's too late to save him from them, but not too late to give him an escape. I'm gonna go back during the summer break and try to get him to leave with me. If he stays, that's his decision. But I wouldn't really blame him. I've ruined his life. I've ruined everything. I'd be shocked if he chose to leave with me. No matter how disgusting they are, he's intertwined with our parents to a scary point. I'm scared, James. I'm scared I won't be able to save him like I was able to save myself. I'm scared that he'll turn into a mini version of them. I don't want that to happen. I want my baby brother back. I want the shy, kind, and caring Regulus back. Not the one that blocks everyone out every time they talk. I want back what me and him had when we were kids, Prongs.”
James had an aching feeling in his chest. He felt horrible for Sirius, and for Regulus. They were both struggling right now. He wraps his arms around him and just holds him as he feels Sirius shaking, letting out silent sobs. He holds him for an hour, not letting go until Sirius wants him to. His arms were a bit sore, but it didn't bother him enough to not comfort his best friend. Eventually Sirius moved away, so James let go. Sirius took a deep breath and let it out.
“I miss him.”
“So talk to him. Make things right. We both know he wants to, too.”
“Can I be fully honest with you?”
“Of course.”
“Sometimes I sit alone at night and wonder why he is the way he is. Not, like, in a mean way. Just…how did he survive life in our house, being like that? It doesn't make sense. Like, he just…he acts like some perfect little brat every time he's around them. He isn't. He isn't perfect. They know that. They want him to be. I don't know how he hasnt become like them, at this point. I know Cissa did. And look at where she is now, already getting married off to some wealthy snob. I don't want to have to watch my little brother slowly turn into that. I want him to be himself. I want him to be Reg. Not Regulus Arcturus Black the Third. I don't want him to have to suffer like I did. I don't want him to be as messed up as I am.” He pauses, then ducks his head. “He already has, though. He's already been through double what i went through, somehow. I feel horrible. I'm supposed to be his oder brother. The one he looks up to for help. And I couldn't even be that for him. I'm a failure, huh?”
“No. You aren't.” When Sirius looks at him, confused, he continues. “Have you ever heard the phrase ‘you can't save someone from sinking if you are too’? Because it's true. You couldn't save him without saving yourself first, Padfoot.”
Sirius just stared at him in silence, but his eyes had widened, like he realized something.
“Oh.”
James nodded silently.