Remus Lupin
Remus fucking Lupin.
Sirius was 14 and he couldn’t sit still because of Remus.
He’s heard James explain to him over and over again what he felt when he looked at Lily, the butterflies, the way he always smiled around her, the borderline obsession. He’d laughed at James, finding it stupid that he was constantly thinking about.
Now look at me go. Sirius thought bitterly. Remus hadn’t even done anything romantic, Sirius had one of his nightmares and was shaken awake by Remus.
“Sirius!” Remus had whisper yelled, shaking Sirius awake. Sirius was breathing hard as his eyes suddenly fluttered open, his shirt drenched with sweat.
“Remus.” Sirius breathed, looking up at the boy above him. Remus’s face was illuminated in the moonlight, a full moon having only passed a few days ago. The moonlight shone on Remus’s clothes and illuminated his worried face. Sirius had suddenly felt very hot and flustered.
“Are you okay?” Remus had asked, and Sirius, overcome with his new emotions, just nodded. “Do you need anything?” Remus placed his hands on the mattress to steady himself, still weakened by the moon. Remus’s hands had slightly brushed against his, their skin only making contact for less than a second.
Sirius Black was lost in Remus Lupin’s eyes. All he could think about was how he wanted Remus to touch his hand again. How he wanted Remus Lupin to kiss him. How he wanted Remus Lupin to call him his boyfriend.
“Sirius?” Remus asked again, looking more worried, which made his face look endlessly more adorable.
“I’m fine.” Sirius finally croaked as he snapped back to his senses and coughed. “I’m fine.” He repeated just in case Remus hadn’t heard.
“Okay…” Remus sounded unsure and could feel that Sirius was lying, “Wake me up if you need anything else, okay?” Sirius just nodded again, not seeming to get out any more words. With a quick smile, Remus stood up straight and walked back over to his bed, crawling in.
Sirius stayed awake for a very long time after that, panicking. I don’t like boys; I can’t like boys. Sirius thought frantically, Mum would kill me. Dad would too. Especially Remus. I can’t. I just can’t.
The next day, Sirius’s thoughts were all about Remus Lupin. He seemed to blush every time Remus sighed, or ran his fingers through his hair, or laughed. After his classes were done, he quickly retired to his dorm, not wanting to blush one more time around Remus fucking Lupin.
-----
That was a year ago. Sirius now still hung out with Remus, he just suppressed all of his emotions and pretended that he didn’t feel that way about Remus. Some months after finding out that he liked Remus, he’d just accepted the face that he was gay. He’d never thought about a girl romantically, and the thought of marrying a girl made his stomach turn.
A few more months had gone by since that and he came out to his friends by accident.
James had been talking about Lily, and Peter had been talking about some Hufflepuff girl, and James had asked Sirius if he fancied any of the Gryffindor girls. Sirius had fake barfed and jokingly added that he was gay, only realizing what he said a second too late.
Peter and James looked shocked, but he wasn’t able to read Remus’s face. James had wrapped Sirius in a hug, telling him that he loved him, Peter shortly followed. After a second’s pause, Remus had too, and Sirius tried not to think too hard about the way Remus had rested his head on Sirius’s shoulder, and how when Peter had pulled back from the group hug, Remus’s face had slipped so it was buried in Sirius’s neck.
Sirius thought he might die, right there. He decided that if he did, he’d want In memory of Sirius, loving friend and the person who couldn’t tell the guy right fucking next to him how much he wishes they were dating but Sirius knew that would never be on there anyway.
It was officially the year marking of when he had first started to like Remus, and James had already pulled him aside into an empty classroom.
“James- “Sirius had started to say, but James spoke over him.
“Do you like Remus? Romantically?” Sirius’s eyes grew wide.
“What?”
“Don’t lie to me Sirius, I see how you look at him.”
“Okay fine, maybe.” Sirius admitted.
“I knew it.” James smiled triumphantly.
“Don’t tell anybody.”
“You know I wouldn’t. What are you going to do about it?” Sirius looked up at James, shocked.
“Nothing, Prongs. He doesn’t like me. He’s straight. I’m just going to hope it goes away.” Sirius said miserably.
“You don’t know that he’s straight.” James pointed out.
“Yes, I do. What has he ever done to indicate that he’s not?”
“What has he ever done to indicate that he is?” James fired back.
“Merlin, you’re insufferable.” Sirius groaned.
“I know. Look, I can’t force you to confess, but I also see how he looks at you. If I could tell that you liked him, then he likes you.” Sirius didn’t believe him.
“Just leave me alone about this, alright mate?” James nodded and left the room quickly, smiling knowingly. After a moment Sirius followed after him.
-----
Remus didn’t know why Sirius seemed to be avoiding him. He never seemed to be able to look him in the eyes, but then when he did, he just stared at Remus for a long time.
Sirius always had his face in his arms when he was around Remus. Remus didn’t want to say anything, but he missed being able to have a normal conversation with Sirius.
-----
Gryffindor had just won their first match of the season (mainly thanks to a bunch of James’s goals and Sirius sending half of the other team to the hospital wing by his nearly perfect beaters aim), so Gryffindor had a giant party in the common room. Remus stood in a corner, slowly drinking his water, looking out at the crowd. James was being paraded around on Dorcas’s shoulders, Marlene and Lily following suit, laughing. The common room was packed, too packed in Remus’s option.
While he was happy about Gryffindor’s victory, he wished people would be a lot quieter.
He took another sip of his water before somebody came barreling at him. He dropped his cup in surprise as he looked down to see Sirius with his head on Remus’s chest.
“Reeeemussss” Sirius giggled, poking Remus’s chest.
“How much have you had to drink?” Remus asked.
“Not anything!” Sirius said, slurring all of his words together. “None.” He continued to poke Remus while giggling uncontrollably.
“Right.” Remus responded, very unconvinced.
“You’re so pretty, Moons.” Remus stopped in his tracks and looked down at Sirius with shock.
“What?” Remus asked weakly.
“I said you’re so goddamn pretty, Remus Lupin.” Sirius started to trace out a smiley face on Remus’s sweater. Remus was glad that basically everyone here was drunk, because his flush looked pretty normal right now.
“We should get you to bed, Sirius.” Remus lifted Sirius off his chest, but Sirius just moved forward again, burying his face in the soft wool of Remus’s sweater.
Remus found it rather hard to breathe. Remus eventually picked Sirius up bridal style, which was the only way Sirius seemed to be okay with Remus bringing his upstairs. He looked back at James, who was staring at him rather pointedly.
Just the other day he had gotten Remus to admit he liked Sirius.
And he’d almost managed to convince him that Sirius liked him back.
Ridiculous.
Once he’d climbed up the stairs, he entered the boy’s dorms and placed Sirius down on his bed.
“Moooooonnnyyyy.” Sirius whined, as Remus let him drop.
“Yes, Padfoot?” Remus asked, trying to keep the conversation as unromantic as possible, because if Sirius told him that he was pretty one more time he wouldn’t be able to hold himself back, and it was messed up for him to kiss someone intoxicated.
“Don’t leave meeeeeeee.” Sirius pouted, his tired eyes starting to droop.
“I’ll be right over here on my bed, Sirius.” Remus sat down on his bed and pulled out his book.
“Nooo Reeeeeeeem!” Sirius cried, but he started to drift off and didn’t say anything more. Remus’s eyes were staring at the page, but he wasn’t comprehending a word. He wanted to scream into his pillow, but he didn’t want to wake Sirius up.
He was drunk. Remus thought, People say things they don’t mean when they’re drunk.
-----
Sirius woke up with a hangover that felt like it could kill him. He groaned, sitting up in his bed and gently rubbing his temple, trying to remember anything from last night. He knew that he’d taken one look at Remus and decided to chug a whole bottle of firewhisky.
Nothing else from the night was coming back to him so he collapsed back on his pillows, grateful sat it was a Friday and he didn’t have to go to class with a hangover. He felt something hit his face as he scrambled to get whatever it was off of him.
He saw James grinning with a pillow, ready to attack Sirius again.
“Not now Jamie.” Sirius sighed, pinching his eyes shut.
“Why so serious, Sirius?” James asked jokingly.
“My hangover is a pain in the ass right now, and I can’t remember what I did last night.”
“Oh, I remember what you did last night.”
“Thank Merlin you were sober. What did I do?”
“Well…” James paused, seeming to enjoy this moment of having Sirius on the edge of his seat, “You found Remus.”
Sirius’s head snapped to look at James, his eyes wide with horror.
“Shit.”
“Yeah. Shit, mate.” James nodded, pretending to act solemnly.
“Do you know what I said?” Sirius asked quickly.
“Well, you and were just sort of leaning on his chest, but you must’ve said something, because I’ve never seen Remus’s face so red.” James looked like he was trying not to laugh.
“Merlin.” Sirius grabbed the pillow James was holding and covered his face with it.
“I don’t think it was that bad.”
“That bad? I was on his chest, bloody hell.”
“Well, I’m not a therapist, Padsie. And Lily said that she’d go on a date with me, I just could resist hitting you with that pillow. By the way, you should probably throw that back on Peter’s bed when you go. Have fun!” James hopped off Sirius’s bed cheerily and ran out of the dorm, leaving Sirius much worse than when he found him.
-----
Sirius had always done well in school, even though he almost never tried. He thought that it was probably all the extra learning he had to do as a child to prepare him to get top grades.
His grades were still mostly E’s though, he knew he could’ve been getting O’s if he tried harder, but he didn’t ever have the motivation. Remus got mostly E’s and a few O’s, but Sirius had seen the amount of academic stress Remus was under at all times. He usually felt guilty about asking Remus for help, but he didn’t understand anything about the current Transfiguration homework, and James and Peter weren’t in the common room where Sirius and Remus were, so he was out of options. It had been a few days since the incident, and to Sirius’s gratefulness, Remus didn’t seem to want to talk about that night either.
“Remus?” Sirius asked, dropping his quill with a sigh.
“Hm?” Remus looked up from his work at Sirius.
“Do you understand question 7? Because I don’t.” Remus got up and sat next to Sirius, looking over his arm.
“Yeah, you see where it asks here about the rules of transfiguration?” Remus pointed to the paper, his hand resting on top of Sirius’s. Sirius didn’t comprehend anything else of what Sirius was saying, because all he could feel was Remus’s hand against his. “Does that make sense?” Remus asked, removing his hand from Sirius’s.
“Yeah. Yeah, thanks.” Sirius muttered. He understood none of it.
-----
Nightmares didn’t strike Remus as much as they did Sirius, but when they did, they gave him hell. He could feel the teeth on his skin, he could hear Greyback’s victorious laugh, he could feel the first time he changed, he could remember how scared he was of his mind. Greyback sneaked into his room again and again. He attacked Remus again and again. Remus couldn’t breathe. His eyes snapped open as he quickly sat up on his bed.
His whole body was shaking, and tears were running down his face. He was taking shallow and raspy breaths and felt very lightheaded.
“Rem?” He heard a tried voice from the bed beside him He quickly looked up to see Sirius half sitting up, rubbing his eyes and staring at Remus. Remus, still shaking, was unable to respond. “Rem, can I come over there?” Sirius asked, throwing the blankets off of him. After a moment, Remus nodded.
Sirius got up and sat next to Remus.
“Can I touch you?” Sirius asked again. Remus nodded.
Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus drawing him closer, as Remus did the same. They both held each other for what must have been at least half an hour.
Eventually Remus stopped shaking, so he leaned out of Sirius’s arms.
“Sorry for waking you.” Remus muttered, looking at his feet.
“Never be sorry for that, Moons.” Sirius said, and stared to get up, but Remus grabbed his wrist.
“Stay. Please.” He said in barely a whisper. He didn’t know what was going on between him and Sirius, but right now he needed someone.
“Of course.” Remus moved to lay down again and Sirius followed him, as they both lay there, wrapped around each other.
“Thank you.”
“Always, Moony.”
-----
When Sirius woke up the next morning, Remus was gone.
Sirius could’ve cried.
He stayed with his eyes closed, soaking up the way the pillows still smelled like Remus. He heard hushed voices from James’s bed, but knew it was none of his business, so he tried to ignore it.
Then he heard his name.
“James, he doesn’t like me.” He heard Remus say.
“Oh Moony. Sweet oblivious Moony.” James sighed and Sirius could hear James hit Remus’s back.
“I’m not being oblivious! He’s the coolest person in school, and I’m- me. I’m not being obvious, you’re being delusional.” Sirius felt his heart skip a couple of beats. He didn’t know who they were talking about but-
“Just ask Sirius out. What’s the worst he can say?” Sirius felt like he might explode.
“That I’ve ruined our friendship. That I’m an idiot for liking him. That he’s dating someone else. Merlin James, there are so many things he could say wrong. Just because you’re so popular that you don’t have to worry about rejection doesn’t mean we all are.” Remus grumbled.
“Remus, do me a favor. Sit here, on my bed for another five minutes. I’m going to exit and make sure nobody else comes into this room for fifteen minutes. Okay?” James said pointedly. Sirius knew that James must know he was awake and was giving him an opportunity to make a confession.
“Fine.” Remus muttered, and Sirius heard James walking towards the door.
“Just so you know Remus, when you hear the door close that is me and I am gone, and everybody is out of earshot.” James yelled.
“Yes James, I can see and hear you just fine.” Remus sighed. Sirius heard the door slam, and then silence. Sirius pinched his eyes shut for a second, before sitting up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed, facing Remus.
He saw Remus’s face light up with surprise and horror as he bolted up.
“Sirius- “Remus opened his mouth and closed it again, his face becoming more and more scared.
“Remus.” Sirius sighed, standing up and walking over to James’s bed where Remus stood.
“Did you- how much- “Remus stammered, his face growing red.
“I heard that you liked me but were convinced I didn’t like you back.” Sirius smiled playfully.
“Merlin. Shit. Shit.” Remus ran his fingers through his hair. “Could you pretend that you didn’t hear any of that? I really don’t want to ruin anything,” Remus started to say, but was cut off when Sirius closed the distance between them and kissed Remus’s cheek.
“I like you too, Rem.” Sirius smiled up at Remus.
“You... like me?” Remus asked, looking genuinely surprised.
“How could I not? You’re the cutest person to ever exist, Moony.” Sirius put his arms around Remus’s neck.
“I- I- I- “Remus stuttered, not seeming to say any more.
“I do have one question though.” Sirius asked.
“What?” Remus finally asked.
“Can I kiss you?” Sirius responded breathlessly. Remus cupped Sirius’s jaw with his hands and moved his face down to meet Sirius’s. Sirius moved his hands so they were both tangled in his hair as Remus kissed him like the world might end. Sirius responded with enthusiasm, turning them around and pushing Remus onto Sirius’s bed.
Sirius finally moved his face away from Remus’s gasping for air.
“Merlin.” Remus closed his eyes and smiled. Sirius got off of Remus and curled up beside him.
“Better not call on Merlin now. I’m not sure of how accepting he would be of two guys making out within the same building he attended.” Remus turned to face Sirius.
“Well Merlin can deal with it then, because I will be kissing you a lot in this castle.” Remus sighed, tilting Sirius’s chin upward into a softer kiss, which Sirius quickly turned more aggressive. Sirius was on top of Remus again, his hair hanging down like a curtain, breathing heavily.
“Do you want to take this shirt off? Cause I’d be fine if you did.” Sirius smirked.
“I thought you’d never ask.”
-----
It had been a few weeks since that moment, and neither of them had told James yet. They weren’t sure how to bring it up, and Remus hadn’t come out to him as bi yet and he thought that even though James knew he wasn’t straight he should probably do that first.
“What about your parents?” Remus asked one night as they sat up on the astronomy tower, Remus playing with Sirius’s hair as the wind whistled by, Sirius’s head resting on Remus’s shoulder.
“There’s no way they could know. Teachers don’t make contact with my parents because even over letter’s they’re assholes, and Reggie wouldn’t ever tell them. I mean, they’re probably going to find out at some point, but I didn’t live for so many years because of them, and I’m done with that shit. Y’know?” Sirius looked up at Remus.
“I do, Pads. I just want to make sure you’re safe.” Remus buried his head into Sirius’s neck.
“You’re such a sweet boyfriend.” Sirius closed his eyes.
“I know.” Remus kissed Sirius’s neck.
“That’s going to leave a mark, Moonbeam.”
“Let it. Then everybody will know you’re taken.”
-----
Gryffindor won another game, so they were throwing another party. In the end everybody just wanted an excuse to have one. Marlene and Dorcas were dancing violently together, James and Lily were having a worm competition and both failing horrendously. Half the people in the party were drunk, but for once Sirius was sober. He was next to Remus in the corner talking to him about schoolwork.
“Two years ago, I would’ve thought this was the lamest way to spend a party” Sirius grinned.
“Oh yeah?” Remus asked. “What changed?”
“You, my Moonpie.” Sirius bumped their shoulders.
“Merlin that’s a horrible nickname.” Remus grimaced.
“Better get used to it, Moonpie.” Sirius laughed, and Remus melted.
“You have the cutest laugh.” Remus pointed out, now having to yell slightly over the music and shouting.
“What?” Sirius asked, very obviously having heard him. Remus rolled his eyes and grabbed Sirius’s hand, dragging him into the middle of the party.
“Give it up for the best beater the world has very seen!” Dorcas yelled as Sirius winked at her. The whole party clapped as Sirius stood on a table and bowed dramatically.
“Thank you, thank you, classmates.” He joked, messing with his hair. “Any questions about how I achieved my greatness and am still really humble?” Sirius smiled around at all of them.
“Who’s that hickey from?” Someone from the crowd asked.
“Mind your own fucking business.” Dorcas bitterly yelled back. Sirius hadn’t told her and Marlene, but he was sure they knew about him and Remus.
“Yeah, private information until I choose to disclose it and stuff.” Sirius smiled. Something snapped in Remus, so he suddenly ran through the crowd to find James.
“James. I’m bi and me and Sirius are dating, because you were right, he does like me. I wanted you to know before everyone else does.” Remus quickly spoke, and then ran to the front of the crowd and looked at Sirius, extending his hand.
Sirius looked surprised but took Remus’s hand as Remus pulled him down from the table and kissed him.
The crowd when silent for a moment, with murmurs of “Sirius Black is gay?”, “Remus Lupin? Didn’t expect that.” and, “Looks like you owe me 5 galleons, mate.”
James, Lily, Peter, Marlene and Dorcas all started yelling and applauding aggressively as soon, everyone else followed.
Remus pulled his face back from Sirius’s and pressed their foreheads together.
“Wow.” Sirius whispered, his voice barely herd over to continued party.
“I can’t believe I just did that.” Remus pulled his head away from Sirius’s face, smiling intently.
“Welcome to the club, my fellow queers!” Marlene shouted, wrapping Remus in a hug and jumping up and down.
“Like we didn’t already know Lenie.” Dorcas rolled her eyes but joined in the hug anyway.
“Welcome to the liking-more-then-one-gender gang, Remus.” James held up his fist and Remus met it with his own, Lily quickly following with a grin.
“Well, welcome to the gay group, if we’re fighting then.” Dorcas wrapped her arm around Sirius’s shoulder.
“You guys are the best.” Sirius smiled around at all of his friends, grateful that even though the world was uncertain, he would always have them.