Elusive Dreaming

Luke felt so heavy he resorted to drowning his sorrows in other ways. He was once a mama's boy who needed her for anything. When he was seven they went to the beach for the first time and Emily was there to help and guide Luke into the ocean. Luke was so afraid of the water he was afraid of the tide crashing into shore. Emily helped him jump into the ocean. Now he jumped head first into the water without her. And he was drawing because he didn't understand what he was caught in. He wished to go back and apologize but he didn't want to be wrong. He wanted the tide to wash away any anger or fears. He wanted his mother to be there with him. Granted he was too stubborn to say he was sorry. He reversed his apology so many times in the mirror. Emily was right about the Hollywood club scene being no place for a group of teens. Years later Luke would realize this when he found himself in another club with a drink in his hand. Another fake ID to use to get them in. He knew they would make it big one day. Yet life is inconsistent and the traumatized little child screaming for his mother was silenced. “ Luke buddy you need to cut down on the drinking.” Reggie warned him and Alex agreed scares of heat came over but only his boyfriend but also his best friend. “Don't tell me what to do.” Luke slurred as he downed another glass slamming it onto the bar. “He's done.” Alex told the bartender who just nodded her head and agreed. Seeing the state of the boy who claimed to be okay but they knew he wasn't. Luke was drowning the voice in his head. The voice telling him to go home before he gets hurt any worse. Luke finished looking down on himself for a minute. All of the things in his head caused him to feel heavy. He felt like the little boy who jumped into the ocean for the first time. But he never made it out the tide drowned him. “MOM!” Little Luke shouted as he splashed around. Luke turned around to look into the mirror seeing the man he had become. Was she proud of him? Could she be proud of him? “Mom can't you see I'm sinking!” Luke shouted watching his younger kid self drown in the ocean. Feeling the air escape his lungs as they are filled with water. Suddenly the ocean began to spill. Nothing was as it seemed once before. Everything came crashing down through a black hole. “Mom what are you doing can't you see I'm falling!” Luke cried as she stood still watching as he drowned. “I'm too young to be falling.” Luke realized. Luke woke up on the peeling leather couch in the studio. His hair clung to his face sticky with sweat. His clothes were drenched as well as the cold sweat from his nightmare. Luke's chest felt heavy as he gasped for air. Heavily breathing as he looked around. Luke was still dressed in his clothes from the night before. Signifying he had been dragged in by his friends. Reggie left a note and some aspirin next to him. As well as a bottle of water. Luke sighed in relief it was all in his head. It wasn't enough that he called out in his dream Luke needed to go home. Instead, he grabbed his pack of cigarettes that got flattened in his pocket and lit it. Yet he was stubborn and afraid of the home he grew up in. Missing flyers with his face pasted around town. He knew they were looking for him yet he couldn't stand to look in the mirror. “Am I drowning it out because it's in my head?” Luke asked himself. Emily couldn't save him if he couldn't try to save himself. Luke was addicted to falling faster and faster. He wanted more than anything to jump into her warm embrace. He knew his dad would join in and everything would be okay. Luke also knew that the yelling and the fighting would resume. Band practice had rolled around and Alex and Reggie looked at the boy with pity. “I am super duper crazy sorry. Please forgive me?” Luke pleaded with them. “I don't know Luke, you said you wanted to stop falling the last time and then you fell harder. We try every time Luke and you still haven't found what you need to do.” Reggie admitted yes Reggie was afraid Luke would be mad at him for deciding to tell him the truth. But sometimes it's hard to face reality. “Luke I don't want to see you in an ambulance and flatline because I love you goddammit.” Alex admitted passive-aggressively expecting a bitter reply. “I- understand that Alex and I love you too.” Luke stammered admitting his love to his boyfriend. Tears brimmed his hazel eyes as he looked deep into Alex’s ocean-blue eyes. Emotion raged through the room, feelings of hurt and sadness mixed with joy of love. “Let us help you this time Luke.” Reggie spoke, breaking the silence among them. By the time night fell again Luke looked at the cell phone lying on the coffee table. He felt the ringing in his ears as he picked up the phone. Impulsive Luke picked up the phone and dialed the number. The phone rang a few times before Emily picked it up. “Hello?” Emily asked Luke to hear her voice echo through the phone. Something he hadn’t heard in what felt like forever. Luke wanted to tell her that he was sorry and that he would be home soon. That he was safe and sound to put her mind at ease. The key word there is “wanted” Luke hung up the phone before he could say anything. Emily could only hear the breathing patterns of her missing son. She didn’t know it was him and she never would. Luke grabbed Alex’s hoodie off the back of the couch, throwing it on. On the way, all he could hear was his mother’s voice in his head. Luke left to go home peering through the window from behind the bushes. It had been months since he left home and he saw the window to his bedroom cracked slightly open. To say the thought of sneaking back in just for a night crossed Luke’s mind. Luke shivered in the cold, his legs beginning to burn from squatting for so long. “I’ll be home December morning,” Luke whispered to himself attempting to justify himself. Yet it was December and Luke never went home. Days ticked by and Luke would never go home. As he peered through the widows from his hiding place nostalgia coursed through his bones. The a glimmer of hope in his parents' eyes as they watched for him. It was easy for him to tell Alex and Reggie that he would change and then actually do it. Luke cut up his fake IDs all but the one used for booking gigs. Alex held onto that one and the band seemed to act like he was glass. As if he was so fragile that one wrong move and he would break. Needless to say this pissed Luke off. “I am not made of glass!” Luke cried from his dark hazel brown eyes. “I will be back soon Luke with some food for you to calm down please.” Alex calmly stated his the medication he had to start for his anxiety seemed to help. Alex kissed Luke before he left tasting the salty tears on his boyfriend’s lips. Luke watched Aex leave for what felt like the thousandth time. Alex and Luke had a rocky relationship but it worked because they ignored every bad omen sent their way. Luke decided to rearrange the furniture while Alex was gone. Luke saw himself in the mirror, he was a mess. His dark brown hair clung to his face. “Babe, I’m back!” Alex shouted looking around the studio confused. “One second!” Luke shouted back changing his shirt as he walked out of the bathroom. “Hey,” Luke greeted with a smile. “Hi?” Alex questioned his boyfriend’s sudden energy. “Are you feeling’ okay?” Alex asked dividing the food between them. “Yeah, why do you ask?” Luke asked, “No reason.” Alex replied Luke kissed him on the cheek while he stole a few of his fries. Luke was still very lost in the in-between trying to find his way. Trying to find the way that it was without his family. The band was his family now but something was still missing. Luke no longer filled the void with suppressants. “I had the dream again Lex.” Luke stated, “Do you want to describe it to me?” Alex asked, trying to navigate through what the dreams meant. They both knew deep down it meant Luke needed to go home. “I was fighting with them on a Friday night in June. As the noise died down our yelling was coming to a stop. I heard the tide crashing on the shore and like always I saw myself and my mom in the water. This time it was different because she moved this time. She moved from her spot in the sand and I saw it all. She never turned around. It's like she was afraid to face me. Like I am someone she doesn’t even know and I guess that is true.” Luke explained looking at Alex who listened intently. All of the dreams Luke collected were like souvenirs. He couldn’t explain to the full extent of how the dreams made it hard for him to look in the mirror. He still felt heavy missing the adrenaline the love affair with the fear of falling gave him. “You don’t have to finish the dream baby.” Alex soothed validating Luke's nerves. They were slipping away from each other but some nights found to be easier than others. Luke saw them every time he looked at himself in the mirror, the sound of the phone ringing and her voice when she picked up. The couple stayed silent the rest of the night and once again Luke felt like he was drowning. They fell asleep but Luke still had so many questions. When would the dream come where Emily finally would jump into the ocean to save him? He looked at the chandelier this time as he found his house. “All the things I did drowned it out.” Luke pleaded with his mother she didn’t turn around. “Can you even fucking hear me MOM?” Luke shouted as loud as he could “Do you see me sinking Mom?” Luke asked, his voice getting louder every time. “Jump into the ocean and save me, Mom!” Luke yelled, his feet buried in the sand. “Mom I’m so sorry I don’t know what I was caught in. “Luke admitted softer tears brimming his eyes watching the kid in front of him splash for help. Once upon a time Luke could hear the kid calling out for Emily. Now he was just like her drawing out the kid. “I was going to come home Christmas morning. But mornings in December are cold Mom.” Luke broke down “I want to tell you that nothing hurts me now.” Luke admitted to the woman with every step he walked closer it felt as if she got further. “I called you once after I stopped sinking.” Luke tells Emily as he runs faster to get to her. “I quit drinking’ but I can’t stop smoking. I know you hated me smoking.” Luke stops heavily in his tracks. “I am too young for all of this fucking shit!” Luke yells as dark gray storm clouds roll in. “Trying’ to go back to the way it was but you have to say something first Mom.” Luke says. “The guys and I got a gig at The Orpheum Theater. I shut all of this out in my head and now the consequences of my actions are nearing the finish line. I love you mom.” Luke shouts, his voice breaking. Luke jolts up finding himself out of the daze. It was now the summer months when they were going to play at The Orpheum. Luke told himself that he would go home after they played that gig. Luke broke up with Alex out of guilt for bringing him into his darkness. As they took a bite of the hotdog something pulled Luke back into the daze. Luke found himself back on the beach, his younger self screaming for help. Emily was still facing the storm. Luke heard a loud snap looking over to see the giant chandelier had snapped over the black hole. Water washed over him cleansing him of his problems. All of the problems drowned in the flood. The sun started to shine and Luke saw himself stuck in one spot. Snapping back into reality as Luke floated away fading in and out of the daze. Above his body and his best friend's body, Luke found himself in a daze one final time after everything. The heaviness floated off his chest; he felt lighter than ever. “Nothin’ hurt me now Mom.” Luke says as he floats away.