Dazai’s thoughts were spinning as he lay on the couch in the Hounds’ office.
Past memories, all the pain he experienced, all the orders he flawlessly carried out as a mafioso. One image in particular was burning in the back of his skull on this cold, windy night.
Poppy Pomfrey’s petrified body, laying in a medical bed, frozen in fear.
He thought he couldn’t bear to look at her still body, yet, the curiosity took over and he hadn’t been able to get the image of her out of his mind.
Curse having a near perfect memory!
Being in this quiet room alone allowed his mind to race. He always knew he was an over thinker, but that never stopped his mind from doing flips on any subject.
Everyone feared that he was the cause of the petrifications. Snape, Mcgonagall, and others stood up on his behalf and announced that Dazai was innocent. And he was… until Pomfrey. Finally, he was the cause of a petrification.
Everyone was right, he really was a demon. Not human by any stretch of the imagination. He was a thing, insignificant and easily replaceable. If he disappeared, no one would bat an eye and he’d quickly be forgotten by everyone who claims to care about him.
Insignificant… worthless… nothing…
Pomfrey’s terrified face popped back into Dazai’s mind.
‘What would she say to me if she were still here?’ Dazai thought to himself. She was only trying to help something like him, but she only burned herself in the end. She shouldn’t have gotten involved. Just when he was starting to tolerate her, too.
He thought for a second that he had started feeling something strange in his gut. Something he’d been close to feeling a lot lately. A feeling he’d have when he would lie about something or leave his pleading friends out of his plans against their will.
He learned that feeling would’ve been something called “guilt.” A feeling he could’ve had if he were human. A feeling that something like him would surely never experience, because Dazai didn’t do ‘feelings.’
Surely this pain blooming in his chest wasn’t a feeling. Maybe he was getting sick? No, dazai didn’t get sick, either.
‘What would the others say if they learned that I was the cause behind Pomfrey’s… situation…?’
An image of Draco flashed in his mind. “You did that?” The light haired boy looked like a mix of shocked, scared, and sick to his stomach.
The image of Hermione flashed in his mind next. “Dazai, how could you do such a thing?” She gasped with tears in her eyes.
“Mate, have you lost your mind?” Ron grimaced.
“No little brother of ours would do something so-.”
“-Horrific!” The image of the twins lectured, angrily.
“First you petrify the school’s matron and then you break my arm? Were you raised by wild animals?” Pansy scoffed.
And finally, the last image to flash in his mind at this moment- Blaise. “I know I said I’d be by your side no matter what… but Dazai… you took things way too far.” The boy had a genuinely sad look on his face. It was out of place compared to the usual bored expression he wore.
‘They’d all leave me and move on. Maybe that would be a good thing after all…’
“Attachments have no place in the port mafia.” Mori’s words echoed and Dazai felt his stomach twisting in knots.
‘What would HE think?’ Dazai emphasized.
Snape popped up in his head. “Mr. Dazai, I just can’t do this anymore. You’re expelled. Never return to Hogwarts again.”
The image caused pain to spread across his entire body. He felt like he was going to throw up. There was a bubble in his throat that caused him to want to gag.
One of the only adults who believed in him, despite all the lies he fed him continuously since arriving. The other adult was laying in a bed, unmoving and unbreathing.
‘If I disappear, they'll move on soon after.’ He thought as he stood up.
His arms and thighs were already lined in red, weeping wounds from about 30 minutes ago, but he still didn’t feel any better. He wouldn’t feel any better.
Insignificant… worthless… nothing…
‘I haven’t tried one of these in a while. Might as well, since it’s such a fine night.’ He smiled, emptily. His red, tired eyes shone in the moonlight, showcasing his despair.
He left the room of requirement to take a midnight stroll, without getting caught, of course.
He got lost several times before somehow finding his way outside of the school and into the clock tower courtyard.
The familiar fountain in the middle greeted his presence with a swampy, mossy finish. Four gargoyles stood on each corner, seeming to guard it.
Unfortunately for the damn pieces of stone, they couldn’t stop him even if they were alive.
The cold wind blew right through Mori’s coat that hung over his shoulders and right through his thin, stiff pajamas. He shivered in response.
“I wonder how I'll go? Will I drown, or will I freeze to death first? Or maybe both will happen simultaneously?” He chuckled with faux pleasure.
He took off Mori’s coat and carefully folded it. There’s no way he’d go out wearing such a thing. He placed it on the side of the fountain and took his shoes off. He lined them carefully against the outside of the fountain, just below the folded coat.
He was ready.
He had been ready for so long.
Mori wasn’t here to stop him, and he was finally going to get the death he so eagerly wished for… the death he probably deserved.
An insignificant, worthless, piece of nothing. Something like him doesn’t even deserve to live.
He stuck a foot in and winced from how cold it was. He steeled himself and quickly plunged his whole body under the water.
The cold caused his body to go a bit numb before feeling like he was being stuck by needles all over.
It hurt. It was painful.
He sat at the bottom of the fountain and waited. He started to lose air. As he tried so hard to hold his breath, his vision started going.
Before long, his body couldn’t hold out any longer. His body tried so hard to force him to take in air, but what met his lungs was a breath full of green water.
This was it. He was finally going to die. The one thing he longed for his whole life was finally going to be obtained. His vision went dark and his eye started to slip shut.
‘Finally. I’ll finally be at peace.’
Dazai fell unconscious.
He wasn’t aware, but an arm had stuck itself into the water and had ripped him out with such force that he looked like a cold, wet, rag doll.
-
His vision started to return, and he had the urge to cough or puke or… something!
Instinctively, Dazai rolled to his side and started coughing rapidly. He rolled onto his knees and started vomiting the green water up.
He took several long pants before glancing up to the person next to him.
Professor Snape looked at the boy with extreme worry creasing his brow.
“Mr. Dazai!” He called out.
It took Dazai just a moment to realize what was happening. Oh yeah… he had attempted suicide. Did Snape rescue him?
“No.” Dazai wheezed out, still catching his breath. The cold was seeping further into his bones.
“What?” Snape asked, surprised. He wasn’t expecting that response.
“Why did you stop me?” Dazai whined. He shifted to a sitting position and hung his head down low.
“Why did I stop you?” Snape scoffed. He got down to Dazai’s level. “I should be asking you what you think you’re doing right now?” There was a bite of irritation in his voice. He was clearly fed up with this situation.
“Are you dumb?” Dazai barked out. Snape stiffened defensively before Dazai added “Clearly I was trying to kill myself! Was it not obvious?”
Snape’s anger and fight melted away from him instantly. He froze in place, looking absolutely horrified.
Dazai hugged himself, shivering. The cold wind was slicing right through his body and rattling his bones.
Snape seemed to snap out of his stupor. He quickly stood up and held his hand out to Dazai.
The boy eyed his hand questioningly, before Snape grabbed his hand and pulled him up to his feet.
“Follow me.” He didn’t let go of Dazai’s hand. He grabbed Dazai’s coat and shoes and then gently pulled him into the building and to his office.
He gestured for Dazai to sit in a chair and he set up a magical item that radiated heat, almost like a space heater from the muggle world.
Dazai was tempted to touch the magical item to nullify it, but he was pretty sure that he was already on Snape’s bad side. This probably isn’t the time to make the situation worse… or is it? There’s also the chance he could use this little prank as a distraction if Snape brought up a touchy subject, which was pretty likely at this point.
“I’ll be right back.” Snape hurried into another room. When he came back, there was a pair of pajamas that were too large for Dazai to wear.
“Put these on until I’m able to dry your clothes.”
Dazai nodded and changed after Snape turned away. He had to roll the waist, the sleeves of the shirt, and the bottoms of the pant legs.
When he was done, Snape took his clothes and used a spell to start drying them.
Dazai melted in the warmth of the space heater-like magical object. Maybe he shouldn’t nullify it after all? The cold still claimed his bones, and he was very slowly warming back up.
Snape took a seat in front of Dazai and pulled out two familiar mugs. He filled them with tea and slipped in a tiny bit of honey, despite Dazai’s protests. They both sipped their tea.
“Now then.” Snape mumbled after setting his mug back down. He folded his hands and looked dazai right in the eye. “Talk to me about what happened.”
“Ah, well I decided that since it was such a lovely night, I’d go for a swim.” Dazai beamed. Snape noted the fake smile with a frown.
“Why did you attempt suicide?” Snape stopped beating around the bush and came right out with it. He was tired and he wasn’t in the mood to deal with Dazai’s nonsense.
“Ah…” dazai said in a quiet, thoughtful sort of way. “I guess I just let my thoughts win this time.”
“Thoughts about what?”
“My usual thoughts.” Dazai made it clear in his tone that he didn’t want to elaborate any further.
Snape watched him for a moment before sighing and pinching his brow. He stayed like that for several seconds, appearing to be deep in thought. When he finally reached a sort of conclusion, he looked up and met Dazai’s eye once again.
“Mr. Dazai.” He started, firm. Dazai shifted uncomfortably in the suspense.
This is usually the part where Dazai faces two punishments for attempting suicide. One punishment for attempting suicide in the first place, and the other punishment for failing since “failure is not tolerated in the mafia.”
He waited for the punch that would never come. Instead, Snape watched him, calmly. The boy was good at hiding his emotions, but he wore a subtle hint of fear, which Snape had caught right away.
“If there is anything I can do-.” He continued. Dazai seemed to relax slightly as he waited to hear the rest. “Please let me know. I am here anytime you need me.”
Dazai sat quietly in response.
What could Snape do for him? Could Dazai really trust him?
The image of Snape flashed back into his mind with the same biting words from earlier.
’Mr. Dazai, I just can’t do this anymore.’ Dazai winced
’You’re expelled. Never return to Hogwarts again.’ Dazai folded in on himself.
No, he couldn’t trust Snape. Just like everyone else, Snape would realize what a worthless, inhuman piece of garbage he truly was.
Snape broke the silence by gently speaking up once again. “What do you need from me right now, Mr. Dazai? I will try my best to help you anyway I can.”
What he spoke completely negated everything the Snape in his mind kept telling him.
Suddenly, the image of Snape in his mind shifted and took on another form. Mori…
Dazai startled at the realization. It wasn’t Snape feeding those lines to him, it was Mori.
Dazai looked back up and met Snape’s worried eyes.
“I’ve done some bad things in my life.” Dazai quietly confessed. “I can’t tell you what though, so don’t ask. For some reason, I can’t get it out of my head. Those memories keep haunting me and I have physical pain when thinking about it.” He clutched his chest with his hand.
“Guilt.” Snape spoke plainly.
“Guilt?”
“Yes. What you’re feeling is guilt.”
“That’s not possible, sir.”
“What do you mean it’s not possible?”
“Because, things like me… aren’t supposed to feel. That’s what humans do.”
Snape wore an expression of confusion. “Elaborate.”
“I’d rather not.”
“Mr. Dazai, I’m not sure what you meant by that, but I can assure you, even you feel emotions. Why do you try so hard to pretend like you always feel nothing?”
‘Because it was beaten into me.’ Dazai thought to himself. He chose to remain silent.
Snape’s confusion melted as the realization hit him. The mafia. This boy was raised in the mafia.
…
“You know…” Snape sighed. “I understand that you don’t feel safe having feelings and emotions around others. However, I am a safe space you can come to if you need time to feel or whatever else. You can lean on me anytime you need me.”
Dazai unconsciously started picking at his wrist. These warm, fuzzy feelings grossed him out and he ABSOLUTELY didn’t secretly like it!
Before Snape could stop him, his bandages started staining red.
Snape shot to his feet. He knew exactly what was happening. Dazai had hurt himself, again.
He frantically walked over to a shelf, picked up a box, and carried it over to his desk. He got on his knees in front of Dazai and opened the box. Bandages, gauze, and antiseptics filled it.
He ushered for Dazai to give him his arm. Dazai hesitated before giving in.
As Snape carefully unwrapped the bandages, Dazai had to turn his head away. He refused to look at them, even now. The lines on his arms, some red and weeping, some pink and healing, and some white, scarred and jagged along his skin. Those lines reminded him about his inhumanity, and it made him sick to his stomach.
Snape tended to his wounds. He applied the antiseptic and wrapped a new, fresh set of bandages on his arm. He gestured for the other arm and Dazai obliged, reluctantly. After that one was taken care of…
“Do you have any more?”
“No, sir.” Dazai lied.
Snape gave him a half unbelieving look before he decided not to push it any further. He was still trying to establish trust.
He closed the box and huffed. “Consider what I said.” He threw away the used bandages and then walked to the other side of the desk to take his seat.
He sipped his tea. The silence growing in the room was almost deafening. It was awkward. It was tense.
“I don’t know what I need.” Dazai mumbled. Snape looked up from his tea to meet his eye. Dazai looked away, self consciously.
Snape would need to figure out some way to help Dazai feel something positive, even if it was against his will.
“How about a hug?” Snape offered. Dazai’s eyes shot back to Snape’s, looking surprised.
“A hug…?”
“Yes.”
“How would a hug help?”
“You don’t know until you try. I’m just offering possible solutions.” He sipped his tea once again.
‘A damn hug? Maybe I’ll do it just to prove Snape wrong. Then, I can make fun of him for it.’ Making fun of the professor certainly would make this air a little less tense.
“Fine.” Dazai sighed.
Snape stood up and made his way over to Dazai. Dazai stood up as well.
Snape waited for Dazai to make the first move so he didn’t startle the boy. Watching him flinch those few times… they were memories that still haunted him daily.
Dazai awkwardly fidgeted in front of Snape.
Come to think of it, father and Mori didn’t hug him, not in this way. How does he even initiate a hug?
Part of him hoped that Snape would accidentally squeeze him to death.
He reached out an arm but stopped when it almost made contact with Snape. He pulled his arm back and stared sheepishly.
“There is no rush.” Snape reminded.
Dazai nodded in response. He took a step forward and set his head against Snape’s chest. He didn’t really know what to do after that.
Snape slowly and gently brought his arms closed around Dazai.
Once dazai was wrapped in the hug, he allowed his arms to wrap around Snape.
Dazai felt… warm?
Comfort bloomed in his chest. He felt slightly happy. He felt safe, like no one could hurt him in that moment. He felt almost human.
He heard Hermione and the Weasleys mention several times what it was like to be hugged by a parent. The way they described it was exactly how he was feeling now.
The reminder of the rumor going around the school caused Dazai to chuckle. ‘Dad Snape’ was a term jealous students coined for their relationship, and honestly, it was fitting.
‘What would it be like to have Snape for a dad?’ Dazai thought, as he melted even further into the hug.
His life was hard. Life with father and Mori hasn’t been kind to him. But maybe, just maybe for a moment, he could pretend like that life didn’t exist. He could pretend that he knew exactly what his friends meant when they spoke of parental love. And for this moment, he could pretend that no harm would ever befall him again.
He indulged himself just a little longer before pulling away. “Hugs are almost as gross as feelings, sir.” Dazai mimed gagging.
Snape sighed and facepalmed.
Back to square one… the same old song and dance.