Traitor

  "I hate this plan," James muttered, flinching as Remus threw a close-range stupefy at Regulus, sending him catapulting into the air, slamming his back on the corner of the brick fireplace before hitting the ground with the breath knocked out of him. 

   James hissed from where he stood, hand clenched tightly around his wand as he watched his friend beat the ever-loving shit out of his boyfriend. It took Regulus a bit longer to get up after that one, wheezing out what might've been a laugh if it hadn't hurt so much to do so. Neither of them had been ecstatic when Regulus had laid out the plan, James and Sirius instantly and rather predictably protesting while Remus listened quietly, arms crossed over his chest, deep in thought. Regulus had anticipated this, which is why he mostly spoke to Remus, well aware that he would do anything to get Sirius out, even if it meant hurting Regulus. He didn't begrudge Remus this, because he would do the same if it was James in trouble, and because Remus had always been the smartest of the marauders, he knew he wouldn't be blinded by emotions. It was part of the reason he liked his brother's boyfriend so much, he wasn't loud or dramatic and generally annoying, but logical and introspective, much like Regulus himself. 

   "I don't think any of us like this plan, Potter, you can blame Sirius for getting himself kidnapped," Regulus said in a biting tone, spitting some blood out of his mouth and wiping it with the back of his hand as he dragged himself to his feet. He liked Remus but decided he might have to reconsider based on how many different parts of his body ached and pained at the smallest movements. But well, it was his plan.

   He might've broken a rib or two that time, he could feel the scraping discomfort in his sternum every time he inhaled. Remus might've been a gentle giant for the most part, but his spells hurt, he wasn't holding back much besides using nonlethal spells nicer than those used in a real fight, which was necessary despite how awful it felt. Regulus gritted his teeth and sent a few spells off, clipping Remus and James with a few nonlethal curses and letting the rest bounce off the walls, creating craters and dents around the room. A real fight was frantic, and uncontrolled, usually resulting in some kind of destruction as spells are misdirected or avoided. James let Regulus hit him a few times without returning fire, gaining a few scratches that barely stung and stoutly refusing to fight back until he absolutely had to, leaving it up to Remus, his hands practically itching to reach out to his boyfriend every time he was knocked down again.

   "I feel like I'm being attacked for being the victim here, and that's just terribly unjust," Sirius put in from his safe place in the corner of the room, wincing as if he could feel every hit his little brother took and forcing himself to not look away. 

   He wondered if this was how Regulus had felt when Sirius would take his punishments growing up, watching his big brother endure curse after curse for hours on end silently and helplessly, a solemn shadow in the corner of the room, only able to witness it in silence so Sirius was less alone. Regulus had never looked away, even when Sirius had begged him to, pleaded with him to leave the room so he wouldn't have to witness his protector being reduced to wails and sobs and understand the extent of their parents' cruelty. But Sirius was never able to protect him from this, and Regulus hadn't wanted him to, Regulus couldn't fight back, but he could be a witness, he could carry the burden of knowing and he could heal his brother once the spells stopped flying and his parents had retreated. It wasn't the same, because Regulus wasn't in any real danger by Remus' hand, but it almost felt like it, the same haunted house that echoed screams of pain from years past back to them. 

    Regulus was slightly hunched over now, his shoulder looked like it might be dislocated, hanging lower than the other one, unaligned to his body, a trail of thick blood marking a path under his nose, irritated from his continuous wiping at the stream that kept coming. He was slowing down a lot now, sweat glistening on his bruised brow as he pushed his damp hair back impatiently, looking ready to collapse as he sent a few spells back toward Remus, not really trying to hit him back anymore. James was about to plead for them to take a break, prepared to put up a fight when he heard Bellatrix's voice echoing through the house again, calling for Regulus from somewhere on the floor. He glanced at Regulus and waited for him to nod before undoing the locking spells he had set on the door earlier. James reluctantly joined in fighting his boyfriend, missing more than he usually would and slowing the pace to make sure Regulus could shield against most of them, hoping it looked realistic enough. Remus was less careful, determined the same way Regulus was to ensure they were to be believed. While James knew it could put Regulus in more danger of being suspected as a blood traitor if Bellatrix found him completely unharmed with his brother's best friends, physically hurting his boyfriend wasn't something he had been prepared to do. He wasn't sure he was entirely capable of it, but Regulus had insisted this was the best way.

    It didn't take long for Bellatrix to find them, flinging the doors open to the drawing room with a bewildered look, barely having time to process what she was seeing before Remus and James were throwing curses at her. She managed to dodge Remus' curse but caught James' cutting curse in the shoulder, hardly stumbling before firing off multiple dark curses in rapid succession like the pain didn't affect her at all. Each of the Blacks was incredible at dueling, having been taught from a young age, a necessary skill when most in the family were involved in nefarious activities with dark wizards. 

    Regulus continued the fight with Remus while James engaged Bellatrix, knowing that Remus was his best bet to keep up the act. The dull room lit up with brightly colored spells as he and Remus circled each other, trading hexes and curses, some hitting their mark and some bouncing off shields, coincidentally coming Bellatrix's way, or even hitting the ceiling. They could only risk so much without suspicion, so they continued roughing each other up as planned, Regulus sending him flying across the room in retaliation for earlier with admittedly, a little bit of satisfaction, though still casting slower than usual so Remus could catch most of it. Regulus exaggerated his hunched posture with his dislocated shoulder held close to his chest, he didn't even have to try too hard to be very convincing as moving caused sparks of pain to ignite through his entire torso and chest, restricting his movement and speed naturally.

   A yelp and a thump captured both of their attentions, Remus turning to see James on the floor, a black, sharp-looking whip wrapped tightly around his ankle. The end came out of Bellatrix's wand, her cackle filling the room as the rough fabric bit into his skin like teeth, writhing like a snake. James was forced on the defensive, shielding and blocking the spells coming at him at a terrifying speed from the floor as Bellatrix smiled with glee like she couldn't be happier about the outcome of her day. Remus hit Regulus with a flipendo he definitely could've dodged, hardly glancing to see where he landed before throwing a killing curse at Bellatrix, finding he had no trouble meaning it. Remus had never killed anyone before, not directly with the killing curse, but he had fatally injured Death Eaters in battle before. He wouldn't mind if she was his first kill, Remus certainly wouldn't feel any guilt for it. To his disappointment, she narrowly dodged it, fixing her empty black eyes on him with laser focus. She snapped her hand back, retracting the whip around James' ankle to fire back at Remus at a crushing pace, some wordless curses he didn't recognize but knew he wouldn't want to get caught by if Sirius' worried gasps were anything to go by.

   Bellatrix hadn't looked at Regulus once, clearly focused on the fight and entirely unconcerned about his bloody state, so much that she hadn't noticed him, wand raised feebly above his head, wordlessly creating splitting cracks in the ceiling. The cracks spiderwebbed towards the chandelier in the middle of the room from where he was still slumped on the floor, dust, and debris shaking free and falling around the unsuspecting group. Remus and James were fighting back vigorously, utilizing every curse in their artillery, even dark ones they had never used before.

   Typically, the Order insisted they refrain from using the same curses as Death Eaters unless absolutely necessary, leaning more towards spells that maim rather than kill, which Remus always thought was bullshit. The Death Eaters wouldn't spare them, so why should they limit themselves? Luckily, James seemed to be on the same page as him at this time, both were willing to do whatever it took. Bellatrix fought back just as hard, her patterns unpredictable as she danced around them, never staying in one place very long or focusing too much on either boy. The vast room narrowed to a thin point until all James could see or think about was fighting back, everything else turning into background noise as his competitor did everything in her power to take them down. Months of training and years of friendship had prepared James and Remus for this, James guarding Remus' weak spots automatically as Remus did the same for him, keeping them more afloat than anything. Neither of them could manage to get a good enough hit to disable Bellatrix, who flew around them like a tornado, chaotic and unpredictable, entirely lethal. If they couldn't get the upper hand, exhaustion would start to win out and make them sloppier, leaving them more vulnerable to getting hit. 

   Regulus had known they wouldn't be able to beat her, most people couldn't, even growing up, Bellatrix had been a terrifyingly good duelist, having no qualms about fighting dirty. But all he had needed was for them to keep her busy and distracted long enough for him to weaken the ceiling, and luckily, the two of them were formidable enough to do so. Regulus tore his eyes away from them, using the wall to support himself as he got unsteadily to his feet, checking the precarious way the chandelier hung from the splintered ceiling and cast a wordless stupefy toward both boys, launching both of them clear off their feet and out of the way and exploding the ceiling a second after, the heavy chandelier coming down in a deathly rain of diamond shards and metal, right on Bellatrix's head.

   The chandelier shattered on impact, debris flying everywhere and coating the room in dust and chunks of ceiling. A thick silence descended upon the room as the boys caught their breath, all looking at each other in various states of exhaustion, disbelief, and awe. All four beat up and bloody in some way or another, adrenaline pumping through their veins. Sirius whistled from his shielded place in the far corner of the room, startling James who had temporarily forgotten that he was there, watching the fight in uncharacteristic silence.

   "Is she dead?" James whispered after a few beats of silence, eyeing the unmoving figure trapped underneath the debris suspiciously. Remus kicked the arm close to him that stuck out from under the wreckage before bending down to scoop up the wand Bellatrix had dropped. 

   "Unconscious at least," He replied, still watching the figure intently for any sign of life. 

   "Please tell me she's dead," Sirius said with a groan.

   Remus cast a diagnostic spell and shook his head ruefully at the pulsing heartbeat that showed over her body in bright red lines. He clucked his tongue, "Unfortunately, no. We could still kill her?" 

   "No, we should wipe her memories," Regulus said, stepping around the wreckage carefully to get toward the middle of the room, tripping over a chunk of metal in the process and sending James a tiny grateful smile when he steadied him with a hand on Regulus' good arm.  "I'll ensure she forgets your faces but remembers enough to know what happened so you won't be targeted later. It's less suspicious if she's dead anyway, that's what I was aiming for."

   "You're a bit of an evil genius, aren't you?" Remus commented thoughtfully, appraising Regulus with a curious look on his face. 

   Regulus snorted as he eased to his knees beside Bellatrix's head, muttering, "Legilimens," 

   The destroyed room inside Grimmauld Place disappeared as he was sucked inside her demented mind, like falling through a tunneled slide and landing squarely in the center of her memories. Regulus paid little attention to most of the memories swirling around him, focusing on the ones only from today. He had no interest in seeing what else goes on in her brain. He sorted through her memories of the last day, watching her kidnap Sirius from the warehouse and lock him in the cellar, observing as though he was watching a movie while also paying close attention to her thoughts as they played out. 

   Where Bellatrix suspected Regulus to be a traitor like his brother, Regulus rewrote the memory to make it seem like he was eager to torture his brother, wiping the hesitation and fear away from his face and reordering her thoughts around the event. Instead of seeing hesitation, and feeling doubtful of his intentions, she would see him step forward easily and confidently to torture Sirius with the cruciatus, having no memory of their conversation where she suggested he had gone soft. From there, he painstakingly adjusted every memory and the surrounding thoughts to fit the story that was the most plausible to protect his friends and himself. Regulus blurred the faces of Remus and James in her memory, making them look strange and muddled as if she hit her head, which could easily be blamed on the chandelier, and planted the idea in her mind that Regulus was unconscious before it fell so that he wouldn't be suspected. He'd never rewritten this many thoughts and memories before and couldn't be sure it would take, but he hoped it was enough. 

   It was dangerous to rewrite memories and mess with someone's mind for various reasons, a less skilled person could lose track of reality and drive themselves insane by just performing the spell, as well as make the victim insane, but Regulus knew what he was doing, and Bellatrix was already unhinged, so he wasn't too worried about that. Plus, the more muddled her brain became, the harder it would be for her to recall the truth and the more she would have to rely on Regulus' account of things. Dumbledore insisted on teaching him legilimency before he became a spy to ensure that if he ever were to be suspected he could cover his tracks, and since Regulus was already a skilled occlumens, it was a bit easier for him. He already had plenty of experience shutting himself off and protecting his brain from outside influences, which made it easier to get past other's defenses, especially if they weren't occlumens like him.

   When Regulus rewatched the memories play back and was sure they were the best he could do, he pulled out of her head, light and sound reaching him again, overwhelming him as an intense migraine throbbed at his temples. Mind spells were the trickiest to execute, uncomfortable for both the caster and victim, taking a toll that dark magic often did. It only added to the pain he was already in and he reflexively pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to ward off the headache.

    "Alright?" James asked from just over his shoulder, and Regulus jolted suddenly, not having heard him approach. 

    Regulus nodded, sighing wearily, "It's done, as long as the memories take, we should be fine," 

    James offered him a hand which he took gratefully, hauling himself to his feet with a hiss of pain that escaped unbidden between clenched teeth. "Come on, we should get you and Sirius home and healed up, both of you are a right mess," He tugged on Regulus' hand lightly, starting toward where Sirius and Remus were murmuring quietly to each other, their hands tangled together between them. 

    "James," Regulus said gently, his messy brown hair was dusted with a layer of debris, and his round glasses were coated too, hiding his pretty hazel eyes behind the dirty glass. Regulus plucked off the frames, admittedly stalling the conversation they needed to have by wordlessly spelling them clean and sliding them back on his face, using the motion to cup his cheeks and tug him into a chaste kiss. James let out a quiet noise of surprise before he melted into it, kissing him back before Regulus pulled away with a small frown, "I'm not going back with you, monsoleil. Tell me you know that," 

    James pulled away from his grasp, mouth set in a hard line, and Regulus let his hands fall from his face, feeling unreasonably stung by the action, "You're hurt, and Sirius almost died! We all could've died and you're going to stay here still?" He snapped angrily, the tension from the day finally getting to him. He had been terrified for both of them all day long, wracking his brain for a way to save them, and now that everything could finally be okay, Regulus wouldn't come with them.

   "I don't want to, but I have to, you know this, we've talked about this. Don't you think I would go home if I could? I do this to keep you safe!" He snapped back, though his voice lacked its usual venom, sounding more resigned than angry. He was so tired of having the same fight. It hurt the same as it always did, it tore him to shreds to lose James a little bit more every time they argued about it, the war had been driving a wedge between them for months. He was terrified one day the distance would be too far to cross.

   "Who keeps you safe? Look at you," James gestured to Regulus' injuries, vaguely aware that Remus and Sirius had stopped talking to watch them, but he couldn't find it in himself to care, "How many times do you expect me to let you go just because it's your job?" 

   "As many times as you have to until you give up or the war is won," Regulus spat, he understood why it upset James to see him hurt, but he refused to quit, no matter how badly he wanted to go home.

   Being a spy is how he's kept his brother and his boyfriend safe, the information he collects means he knows the Death Eater's next moves, which means he can stop massacres before they start. He can't completely protect them all the time, but the insight he does have has saved many members of the Order already, it gives them a fighting chance they might not have had otherwise. He wants to go home, but he wants to win the war more. Regulus is just afraid that James will give up on him before he can do it.

   James sighed, watching him with the same sad eyes he always did when they fought, nearly always the one to fold first, because as much as he hated it, he knew Regulus was important to the war, and therefore an important factor in them winning it. He just hates the toll it takes on him, hates seeing his kindhearted boyfriend with empty eyes and a blank mask of indifference instead of bright grey eyes, pink flushed cheeks, and a sheepish grin. Most people don't know Regulus, they don't know how wonderful he is because he has been molded into a weapon for both sides of the war. He's terrified to lose the real Regulus to either side of the war, for him to lose himself in the role he has to play, the awful things he has to do. James can't help but be afraid, can't help but want him home, regardless of how selfish it is.

   "I'm not giving up, I'm just tired of seeing you be hurt, I'm tired of not being able to do anything to help you. I love you, I just hate this so much," He said exasperatedly, running a hand through his hair agitatedly. He doesn't want to be angry with Regulus, because it's not his fault, but it's so hard when he's right in front of James, bleeding and exhausted.

   "I hate it too, I wish it wasn't this way, ask me to do anything else and I will, but I can't do this," Regulus pleaded, unable to stop the tears from slipping down his cheeks, the cracks in his mask were too big now for him to hide away. Regulus was breaking, and he still couldn't give James what he wanted, he could only show his sorrow for what they couldn't have. 

  They say if you love someone you should let them go, but there are so few good things in Regulus Black's life, none as good as James. A better person would let him go, let him fall in love with someone easier to love, easier to hold, with less sharp edges to cut himself on. Someone to come home to, someone he'd never have to love in secret, but love as James Potter is meant to love, big and bold, bright and audacious in the light of day. But Regulus is not a better person, he's not even sure he's a good person. No, he will hang onto James until he rots or until the love between them rots. He will selfishly cling to James with nails dug in deep as he begs the world to let him have this one thing. This one thing that is too good for him.

   "I just want you to come home, I want you safe, where you belong with me," The words came out strained and quiet, barely breathing around the pain of it all.

   "I know," Regulus whispered, the devastation poured out of James in waves and Regulus absorbed it all, blaming himself for the rift between them.

   Two people who looked at each other with such undeniable love but could not cross the ocean between them, because not even Regulus was selfish enough to do that, and James certainly wasn't, no matter what he thought he wanted. Neither of them could walk away from this war, and neither could ignore the pain it caused to stay on opposite sides, so they came upon this impasse again and again. Hurting each other with their love, holding each other in their pain, bleeding from the way it cuts at them. It would be easier if Regulus let him go, but he wouldn't, he would let James love him till the end and ignore the carnage between them in favor of holding his hand once more. 

   James crossed the space between them first, pulling Regulus into a fierce hug, both men full of cracks, desperately trying to glue themselves back together. He buried his face in Regulus' hair, hiding the tears that streaked down his face and biting his lip to keep all the words inside from overflowing. What he was asking Regulus for wasn't fair and he knew that, but he was helpless to ask each time anyway, James' heart had yet to get the message that Regulus couldn't come home with him, not yet. All it knew was missing him, fearing for him, and loving him on a constant cycle, rinse and repeat. 

  After a few minutes, Remus cleared his throat, looking regretful, "We should get out of here, Prongs, I'm sorry, but it's not safe to linger," He had one arm wrapped around Sirius, supporting him as they hobbled their way over to the pitiful pair. Sirius was looking better, the swelling in his face had gone down due to Remus' healing spells, and he no longer appeared to be bleeding everywhere, but they still needed to get him the proper medical supplies. 

  James nodded even though he looked heartbroken, and Regulus suppressed the urge to turn away from him entirely, hating himself for putting that look on his face. Sometimes he wished he would just leave without saying goodbye, they've said so many goodbyes and each one has seared itself painfully into his heart. They never knew when they'd get to see each other again as it was too risky to see each other often, and every goodbye could be their last without knowing. 

   "Hey," James said, tilting Regulus' head up so their eyes met again, "I'm still here and I'm gonna keep being here, okay? We don't give up, no matter how much it hurts. I love you,"

   "Je t'aime, mon soleil," He whispered, only loud enough for James to hear, watery grey eyes committing the lines of his face to memory. Regulus pulled him down once more to kiss him again, tasting the salty tears on both of them, feeling like he was buckling underneath the weight of all that goes unsaid between them and all the love expressed in the gaps. They pulled away reluctantly after a few moments, there was never enough time. Regulus turned to his brother, who gave him a wobbly smile, clearly not happy about leaving him behind either, and he was struck again with how unfair it all was, how little time he gets to spend with the only people he loves most. 

   "Be careful, petite étoile," Sirius ruffled his hair playfully, keeping his tone light even though his eyes were grieved, always protecting Regulus, even from his own emotions. "Send us a message when you're safe, okay? I don't care how, just let us know or so help me I will get myself kidnapped again-" 

   "Okay, okay, I will, I promise. Prends soin de toi, Sirius," Regulus rolled his eyes but smiled when Sirius leaned forward to press a quick kiss to his brow. Regulus swallowed back his emotions like he had his whole life and kept a weak smile on his face as James left his side to help hold up Sirius, their eyes locked on each other until the group disappeared from view, vanishing on the spot as Kreacher apparated them back home. Only then, in the wreckage, did Regulus truly let himself fall apart.