Cherry Wine

Looking back, Sirius wished he had relished more in the last few months of 1971. If he were to compile a list of all of the things he did from October to December, everything on it would fall under two main categories: Mischief or Brooding. Sometimes, if he was feeling particularly complex, he was able to do both things at once.

For example, at the end of the first week of October, the boys finally showed Peter and Remus their discovery of the Kitchens and Laundry room, and proceeded to conduct their robes prank on the Slytherins (which would later go on to be known as Smelly Slytherin Day , which Sirius thought was a bit juvenile, but also quite hilarious). He, along with the rest of the boys, were feeling incredibly mischievous as they watched the entirety of Slytherin House fall into chaos, gagging over each other's smells and raging at the fact that they were unable to remove their robes to even have a shower. All four of them were in the library, working on their essays for Transfiguration, and laughing to themselves about just how splendidly everything was going. Remus nudged his shoulder and pointed across the room, Sirius following his gaze and immediately putting his fist over his mouth to suppress laughter as he watched Snape arguing with Mulicber and Avery, presumably about which of the three of them was the source of the stench. Snape met his eye, and Sirius quickly looked down, pretending to read something from his coursebook, but it was a bit too late. He had seen Sirius watching, and there was no doubt that the pieces of the puzzle were starting to click into place in his greasy little head. 

Sirius had rather expected Snape to come trudging over and start throwing hexes at the four of them right then, but instead, he put his books away and walked out of the library quickly, looking absolutely murderous as his robes swept behind him. Avery and Mulciber continued arguing, seemingly none the wiser. It left Sirius feeling a bit uneasy, but he ignored it. Snape couldn’t prove anything just from a look. He went back to his Transfiguration Essay, listening absentmindedly to James correcting Peter's work and subsequently adjusting his own. Remus, of course, had finished all of his homework in advance, and was reading some sort of Muggle book. Sirius, who was far more interested in Remus than he was in Transfiguration, set down his quill and glanced at the cover of the novel. It was titled “ The Outsiders ”. He glanced up at Remus’s face, whose brows were furrowed in concentration, and had the fleeting thought that his freckles looked so much like the constellations he observed out of his window each night. Remus seemed to notice Sirius staring, lost in thought, tracing the freckles with his eyes, because he turned to him, an eyebrow raised. 

“Yes?” Remus asked, a hint of humor laced in his voice. Sirius’s face went bright red, but neither of them said anything about it.

“What’s that book you’re reading?” Sirius deflected, tearing his eyes away from Remus’s face and settling them onto the frayed pages of his book. He had obviously read it several times. Remus noticeably perked up at this, dog-earring the page he was on and closing it so Sirius could get a better look at the cover. He handed it to him, and Sirius examined it with genuine interest.

“Oh, it’s called The Outsiders!” Remus explained excitedly, “It’s really very interesting. It’s about this kid, Ponyboy-”

“Ponyboy ? That’s his name ?”

“Mate. Your name is quite literally Sirius,” Remus deadpanned. Sirius considered this.

“Fair point. Carry on,” he relented. Remus laughed. It wasn’t bright and sunny like James’s, but it sounded almost like a soft melody, a lullaby. It was quite soothing. Sirius ignored this thought as Remus continued to explain the premise of the novel, which did actually sound quite intriguing.

“It’s really very good,” Remus finished excitedly, “you can borrow my copy when I’m done with it, if you’d like?”

“I don’t think I’ve ever read a muggle book before,” Sirius mused, “It would drive my parents crazy to know that I had.”

“Oh. Well, you don’t have to-”

“I’ll read it,” he concluded. Remus beamed, and Sirius went back to his essay. 

Sirius continued to feel nothing but happy and mischievous until lunch. James, who always seemed to forget something, had left his coursebook in the library, and because Sirius was such a perfect best friend, he offered to go with him to retrieve it. He would later go on to really wish he hadn’t, because the two of them physically ran into none other than Bellatrix and Narcissa Black on their way back to the Great Hall. Of course they did, because nothing had ever gone right for Sirius since the day he was born. 

Sirius considered himself to be a particularly brave person, but even when he was younger, Bellatrix was always an exception. It was no secret to anyone that the Black family was considerably insane, and Sirius was rather unfortunately quite used to this fact, but Bellatrix was on an entirely different level. His father and mother were both icy and cold, their gazes hardened and their words blunt in their cruelty. The majority of his cousins were similar in this way– giving nothing away behind their callous eyes other than a sort of stony indifference. Even Andromeda, who always had been and always will be his favorite of his cousins, was very difficult to read. In a way, this indifference made him comfortable. He knew what to expect when he glanced up at Narcissa, her lips pressed into a thin line and her eyes narrowed. Anger. He was used to anger. He could handle anger. But when he turned to Bellatrix, her dark curls as dangerous and unruly as the rest of her, he did not find anger melded into her features. He found excitement. He gulped, sucking in a deep breath. An excited Bellatrix never meant good things. He backed up slightly, pulling James along with him and never taking his eyes off her for even a moment. Too dangerous. 

James, apparently, had a death wish. “Excuse us, girls,” he said brightly as he pulled his hand from Sirius’s grip, clearly not understanding just who he was talking to, “but if we could just get around you-” James sidestepped, trying to push past Narcissa and continue making his way into the Great Hall. If Sirius wasn’t frozen in place, he would have certainly smacked James upside the head for his immense stupidity. 

Bellatrix laughed. Well, maybe laughed wasn’t particularly the right word, she never really laughed, but she did cackle. She grabbed James by the back of his robes, pulling him back into place and shoving him back against Sirius, who caught and steadied him. Sirius proceeded to step in front of James, taking a protective stance that he tried very hard not to let himself be reminded of his dynamic with Regulus by. James was clearly not a fan of this, and he tried to get out from behind him, but Sirius whirled around to face him, hissing in his ear, “ Don’t you dare .” James, albeit clearly confused, seemed to understand that there was a particularly large gravity to the situation, and promptly shut his mouth. Sirius turned back around to face Bellatrix yet again. She raised an eyebrow at him, her wand peeking out from her robe sleeve. He suppressed a shudder. “Uhm, hello cousins,” he stuttered out, quite stupidly, “sorry to bother you, we’ll just be out of your way-”

“Oh, I don’t think so,” said Bellatrix coldly, her heels clicking against the tile of the floor as she inched toward them, “It’s actually quite helpful that we ran into you.” At this, Sirius glanced at Narcissa, hoping to aid in some of his panicked confusion, but as usual she gave nothing away. 

“Hm?” He uttered, sounding much more put together than he felt, “why is that?” Bellatrix just smiled, pulling out her wand and twirling it around her fingers. She looked to Narcissa, who did not smile at all. 

“You see,” said Narcissa, crossing her arms and lifting her chin as if she caught a whiff of something nasty, “Slytherin House has found ourselves in a bit of a predicament today.” Sirius gulped, and James tensed slightly behind him.

“Oh?” Sirius said, trying very desperately not to give anything away, “Have you?” Narcissa glared further at this.

“We have,” agreed Bellatrix, “You see, we can’t seem to get rid of this stench on all of our robes.”

“Have you tried showering?” Sirius said, before he could think any better of it. He came very close to slapping his hand over his mouth. Damn his perfectly witty sense of humor. James chuckled from behind him.

“Fix it.” Narcissa told them. It was not a request. 

“We would,” spoke James, tearing himself out from behind Sirius to stand at his side, “but unfortunately we have no idea how you’ve gotten yourself into your little predicament in the first place.” He had clearly had enough of letting Sirius try to protect him. Idiot. Bellatrix flicked her gaze over to James, considering him. She seemed intrigued. Sirius suddenly had an intense urge to focus all of her attention onto himself.

“Yes,” he said, internally cursing himself for what he was about to say, “perhaps the revolting personalities each of you dawn have just decided to take a physical form by means of smell? Really, Bella, it wouldn’t be the first time people begin to gag when you walk into a room.”

Bellatrix had clearly had enough. She shoved James to the side, pushing Sirius up against the wall and pressing her wand into the side of his neck. He didn’t flinch. He wasn’t scared. She had pushed James to the side. He was safely on the floor, rubbing his shoulder. She pushed the wood of her wand further into his neck. He could feel the magic buzzing angrily. 

“You’ll regret that, cousin,” she whispered to him, her voice soft and dangerous all at once. He fought the urge to gag. She really did smell awful. He closed his eyes, tensing himself in preparation for a magical blow. It didn’t come. Narcissa had been staring curiously at James. Suddenly, she pulled Bellatrix off of Sirius, whispering something in her ear. Sirius stayed pressed up against the wall, locking eyes with James and willing him not to draw any more attention to himself. James stood up, and Sirius tensed, but neither of them said anything, only watched as Bellatrix and Narcissa whispered to each other furiously. Finally, Bellatrix pulled away from Narcissa and smiled. Sirius really would have preferred she hexed him, because her smile was incredibly terrifying. She walked back over to him and whispered in his ear, sending a shiver down his spine, “I wonder what your mother and father would think about you hanging around a Potter? Playing ridiculous tricks on Slytherin house?” Her voice was laced with venom, “why don’t I go find out?” She cackled again, grabbing Narcissa’s hand and skipping off like she was just a schoolgirl and not some sort of demon from the pits of hell. 

Once they had gone, Sirius finally drew out a shaky breath and stepped toward James, who was looking at him anxiously. “What the fuck was that?” James questioned, running a nervous hand through his hair, “those were your cousins ?” 

Sirius merely nodded, laughing slightly at the ridiculousness of it all. James hadn’t heard, but Sirius most certainly had. Bellatrix was going to tell his parents that he had befriended a Potter. That he had been causing trouble for the Slytherins. His outlook on this upcoming Christmas just seemed to be getting worse and worse by the day. 

“What did she say to you?” James asked, picking up his bag from where it had landed on the ground in the midst of everything. Sirius fought the urge to bite his nails. He had come to really love James, to really love all of them, and he didn’t want James to think that he might be the reason behind some of Sirius’s punishments when he got home. James didn’t deserve to have to carry that burden. 

“Just that she wasn’t finished with the conversation,” Sirius shrugged, hoping that he was keeping his expression neutral. His anxiety was building steadily. He wished he hadn’t run out of dreamless sleep potions— Madam Pomfrey said she could only give him a small amount each month so he wouldn’t become addicted to them. “My family is very… intense,” he added sheepishly. 

“Yeah, I picked up on that,” laughed James as they finally resumed their trek back into the Great Hall, “I wonder how they knew it was us who tampered with the robes?” he questioned as they pushed open the doors. Sirius pondered this for a few moments, but it was only after they joined the rest of Gryffindor and sat down that he remembered Snape’s curious behavior in the library.

“Snivellus!” Exclaimed Sirius, interrupting James who had been explaining the encounter with his cousins to Remus and Peter. “I saw him watching us earlier in the library, he must have realized it was us and then told my cousins. Prick.” 

“Oh he is so annoying!” cried James, popping a couple of grapes into his mouth, “but it doesn’t seem like anything too terrible came of it. Honestly, the way Bellatrix was looking at you, I didn’t expect her to let us off that easily.” 

Sirius forced out a laugh, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. Peter and James fell into their usual chatter, but it didn’t seem like Remus was fooled. Neither of them were really any good at lying when it came to the other, Sirius supposed. Maybe they were just too similar. Remus scooted closer to him, lowering his voice. “More happened than James realized, didn’t it?” Remus asked softly, making Sirius’s plate as well as his own. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” replied Sirius, rather unconvincingly. If Remus wasn’t going to share his secret, Sirius was not inclined to divulge any of his own. Remus just looked up at him, smirking. His new scar glistened in the light of the hall. Sirius wondered how many new scars he himself would be coming back to Hogwarts with after break. 

“I see right through you, Black,” he said, pushing Sirius’s plate toward him and starting to eat from his own, “but I get it. I won’t ask. Just know that you can talk to me.” Remus said this so simply, like he had no idea how much weight his words held. Sirius yearned to tell him, of course. He wanted to scream about his life at home from the rooftops sometimes, just to stop keeping it all so bottled up, but it was just so impossible. He didn’t want to transfer his burden onto anyone else, especially not onto his friends. He just couldn’t do that to them. It was the same reason he tried so hard not to scream when he knew Regulus was near. It was his pain to suffer alone. He just couldn’t fathom putting that kind of mental torment onto anyone else. He didn’t say anything back to Remus, opting instead to start eating. Remus didn’t seem to mind Sirius’s silence. He never did. 

Sirius was in a very sour mood until the four boys had finished dinner. He was fully intending to sulk in the dormitory for the remainder of the evening, but as the boys were making their way through the halls, James suddenly gasped, pulling all of them behind a knight statue and shushing them. Peter opened his mouth to question this, but James just put his hand over it, shushing him louder. 

“It’s Snivellus!” He whispered excitedly, finally letting Peter’s face go and peering over the statue as though he was making absolutely sure of his discovery. “Let’s get him back for ratting us out to your cousins, Sirius!” He turned to Sirius, that adventurous fire burning in his eyes, and Sirius naturally relented immediately. He liked mischief much better than brooding. 

“What are we going to do?” asked Peter. Naturally, he was ready to agree to anything James suggested. James opened his mouth, probably about to suggest something very extreme, but Remus interrupted him.

“Why don’t we just confront him?” Remus said, looking at Snape in anger. Remus wasn’t usually one to get very angry. It was actually rather unsettling. 

“What?” asked Peter, very confused, but Remus just pushed past all of them, making a beeline for Snape, who was sitting on a window ledge, reading. 

“Severus.” Said Remus, standing in front of Snape with his arms crossed. Sirius, James, and Peter all stood behind Remus like a kind of protective bubble. Snape looked up from his book, closing it, and regarded Remus with a dry, bored kind of expression. 

“Is there something you need?” Asked Severus, standing to mirror Remus, but he was much shorter. It was kind of a funny visual, actually. “I’m a bit preoccupied trying to find a counter-spell thanks to you and your little group of marauders.”

“That actually has kind of a nice ring to it… marauders,” James whispered to Sirius, who nodded in agreement. 

“I’m not surprised that no one in Slytherin has managed to find a simple counter-curse yet,” jeered Sirius, running a hand through his hair, “I don’t think I’ve met one intelligent Slytherin since I’ve gotten here.” Remus, Peter, and James all laughed, but Snape turned to Sirius, narrowing his eyes and turning up his chin. He took a step toward him, and Sirius could smell the hex wafting off his robes. He wrinkled his nose in disgust. 

“Oh, I don’t know,” said Snape menacingly, “you’d be surprised at what some Slytherins are capable of.” He eyed Sirius for a moment, scoffing. “Well, maybe your little friends would be surprised. But you wouldn’t, would you Sirius? Narcissa thanked me for my heads up earlier today. It seems someones going to be in trouble with Mummy and Daddy when they get home.” Sirius swallowed. He wanted very badly to punch Snape directly in his big mouth, but it appeared that Remus also had this urge, because he did it first. Much to everyone's surprise, especially Snape’s, Remus socked Severus right in the nose, and a sickening crack reverberated around the hall. Snape fell to the floor, holding his nose in his hands, blood seeping through the cracks of his fingers. James and Peter both gasped, but Sirius was rather frozen. Remus walked closer to Snape, who was backing away, still on the floor. 

“You are a pathetic little man who makes other people fight your battles for you. You are a coward and a close-minded bag of dung. Keep Sirius’s name out of your filthy mouth,” spit out Remus, before he promptly turned on his heel and continued toward the common room. Shocked at his outburst, the rest of the boys followed suit, leaving a very dumbfounded Severus in their wake. Well, they confronted him all right. 

Sirius’s head was still buzzing as they made their way through the portrait hole and into the common room. They all sat down around the fireplace, and once comfortable, James shot into conversation.

“What was that, Remus?” He asked, jittering with adrenaline. Remus just shrugged at him wordlessly, but James didn’t seem satisfied by this response. “No, actually, I’ve never seen you that mad before!”

“He just got on my nerves,” was all Remus had to offer.

“But… Remus, mate, you punched him in the face!” Peter stammered out, shocked as the rest of them at Remus’s outburst, “I mean, not that one of us wasn’t bound to do it at some point, the way he was going on, but I don’t think anybody thought it would be you.”

“I just… bringing Sirius’s family into it was low,” responded Remus, carefully not looking up from his book, which he wasn’t even really reading. James and Peter instinctively glanced over to Sirius at this, but he quickly averted their gazes. He felt rather frozen again for a moment.

"That's why you hit him?” burst out Sirius, “because- because he brought up my family? That’s so stupid, Remus! I’m not some little girl in need of defending!” 

“I never said that you were,” replied Remus calmly, still not looking up from his book. It drove Sirius mad. 

“Well, you sure acted like it! If I had a problem with what Snape said– which, by the way, I really don’t, because my family isn’t a big deal and I don’t know why you would think that they are,” Sirius ranted angrily, “then I would have handled it! It’s like you said to him– don’t- don’t make me into someone who has other people fight my battles for me.” Remus finally looked at Sirius, his expression rather unreadable.

“C’mon, Sirius,” said James, looking at him like he was a bomb about to explode, “he was only trying to help-”

“Well I didn’t need help!” spat Sirius, glaring at Remus. He sprung up from his armchair and stomped up the stairs to the dormitory, slamming the door behind him. He tried not to picture the hurt look on Remus’s face he’d caught a glance of at the last second.  

Sirius threw himself onto his bed dramatically, kicking off his shoes and groaning into his pillow. Remus Lupin was perhaps the most complicated, frustrating, mind-bendingly annoying person on the planet. He had no right to be offended on Sirius’s behalf, especially not because Snape talked about Sirius’s parents. That wasn’t his business at all! Sirius huffed, burying his head further into his pillow. What did Remus think about his family? Sirius knew for certain that James hadn’t told Remus what was in his parents letter, because he didn’t even tell Sirius what was in it aside from necessary information, but then how would Remus know that life at home was… complicated? Had he just assumed, after his scars and what happened with Bella and Cissa and what Snape implied? Sirius didn’t like the idea of that. Remus probably thought so lowly of his family, and they had their flaws, sure, but they were still his family. 

Sirius oftentimes hated his mother, but that always made him feel so guilty, because, well, she was his mother. Maybe her methods of punishment were a bit extreme, but did that not just show that she cared? In her own way, didn’t that mean she loved him? Somewhere in his gut, Sirius knew that something about that way of thinking was wrong, but it didn’t change the fact that he cared about his family in a way nobody could understand. He didn’t want anybody to know the true extent of what went on behind closed doors, because then they might make him face the fact that what his parents were doing wasn’t love. But it had to be love, because if it wasn’t… if it wasn’t… Well, then where did that leave Sirius? If that wasn’t love, then Sirius was unsure whether he had ever known love at all. 

The idea that Remus Lupin might think that Sirius’s parents didn’t love him… that they were such a taboo topic that it was worth breaking Snape’s nose over it, it left him anxious. If Remus really understood what was happening at home, then Sirius might have to face a kind of pain that hurt worse than lashes or hexes, and he wasn’t ready to do that yet. He wasn’t sure that he ever would be. 

Everything was just so overwhelming, and all of his thoughts just swirled into a huge tornado of that which he was most familiar with: anger. Sirius was angry. He was angry at his parents, and angry at himself, and angry at the world, and he was especially angry at Remus for making him remember it. 

He was also ashamed. Even if the mention of his family was a low blow, which Sirius admitted to himself privately that it kind of was, he was not in need of defense. Sirius wasn’t weak. He could stand up for himself, and he had been standing up for himself for a long time. He had been brave and stood between his mother and Regulus so many times and he was not some weak child who couldn’t handle some teasing from Snape. He did not appreciate the implication that he was. 

Sirius had just finished putting his pajamas on when Remus knocked on the door. He knew it was Remus because Remus always rapped on the door quietly and succinctly when he knocked, as opposed to Peter who just kept knocking loudly until someone opened up, or James who never bothered to knock at all. Because he knew it was Remus, Sirius said nothing, only jumped into his bed and buried himself under his covers. His cheeks were still burning in a cruel mixture of anger and shame. Remus opened the door regardless, stepping in quietly and shutting it behind him. Sirius rather expected him to start talking, either to argue or to apologize, neither of which felt entirely appropriate to him, but Remus didn’t do either. Sirius just listened with his head still under the covers as Remus shuffled around in his drawers before stepping into the bathroom to change. He released a puff of air he hadn’t realized he’d been holding in at the lack of confrontation. 

As Remus re-entered the dorm and crawled into his own bed, drawing the curtains, Sirius noted that he couldn’t tell if he was relieved or frustrated by the lack of immediate confrontation over his outburst. He stared at Remus’s bed for a moment, feeling like if he just narrowed his eyes hard enough he would be able to see through to the boy on the other side of the curtains. He wondered, briefly, if Remus was doing the same thing to him. 

The thought only made him angrier. Or perhaps more ashamed. Maybe the two feelings were one in the same. 

He sat there for a few moments, furrowing his brows, before promptly getting out of bed to go and sit on his spot by the window. He needed to look up at the stars. Maybe he just needed Regulus. James and Peter burst through the door just a moment after Sirius had gotten settled. He didn’t acknowledge them. They said nothing to him, either, and Sirius just sat there, memorizing the constellations for what felt like a long time. Eventually, the quiet shuffle of movement under covers ceased and the sounds shifted to Peter’s quiet snoring. It was peaceful. It was calm. 

James Potter, of course, was anything but peaceful or calm, so it wasn’t entirely shocking when he just about materialized next to Sirius once it was clear the other boys were asleep. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” He offered. Sirius didn’t look away from the window. 

“Why did he do that?” Sirius muttered, his chin resting on his knee, “I don’t understand. He could get in trouble for that, and- and I didn’t ask him to-”

“No one is saying you asked him to,” interrupted James, scooting closer to Sirius but never touching him, “Or that you needed him to.”

“Then… then why?” Sirius asked, finally tearing his eyes away from the moon to look into the eyes of the sun. At this, James just smiled fondly. 

“Because he cares about you, you twat,” he laughed quietly, “I would have punched Snivellus myself if Remus hadn’t beaten me to it. I’m sure the same thing goes for Pete.”

“Oh,” uttered Sirius. He felt very warm all of the sudden. James pretended not to notice the way that Sirius’s cheeks reddened. “I care about you guys, too,” he whispered, like it was a secret. Maybe it was. Caring about someone could be dangerous. He thought of Regulus, of the pain that he had suffered to spare him, of the nights he had spent tossing and turning, fretting over if he was safe, and he wondered if love was weakness. But then he thought about James, about how fiercely and fervently he cared, about all of the nights where he stayed up with Sirius after the nightmares, never asking why he was shaking and terrified, always there just to be there. He thought, then, that love might be strength, too. 

“We know,” said James. He turned to look out at the night sky, squinting at the stars that painted it. “Is your star out tonight?” It was Sirius’s turn to smile fondly. Sometimes it felt like James just knew what Sirius needed on an instinctual level, and he was very grateful for the change in subject. 

“Yeah!” Said Sirius, pointing to it, “It’s just over there. It’s a bit hard to see right now, but it’ll be much brighter come winter.”

“Doesn’t it have some sort of story behind it?” James questioned, seeming genuinely interested. 

“Well, yeah! All of them do.”

“Tell me about yours.”

“Well it’s- my star doesn’t have a super interesting story like my brothers, like Regulus’s, or at least that’s not what it's really known for, but it's the brightest star in the night sky, if that’s something to go off. In ancient texts and stuff, the star is described as the bringer of the summer heatwaves, like it just basically intensified the heat of the sun.”

“Wicked! I wish I had a cool name. What star do you think I would have been named after?”

“Hmmmm…. I’m not sure, really. I think I see you more as the sun. I guess the sun is a star technically, though.”

“You flatter me, really,” James laughed. He sat with Sirius for some time longer before he finally went to sleep, and Sirius followed suit despite how much he really didn’t want to. 

The nightmares came again that night. Maybe it was because Sirius was so tired, or so emotionally worn out, or that he had been thinking about his family, but they were particularly bad. 

Mother was leaning her hand against Father’s desk, rapping the wood of it with her nails. The office was dark save for the candle that sat burning in the corner. It was cold, too, so cold that Sirius could feel it down to his bones, down to his soul. He glanced over to the candle and considered moving closer to it. Perhaps he could feed off of some of its warmth. He tried to step closer, then, but his feet stuck to the ground. He panicked, reaching out his hand toward the candle to try and grab it, but he lost his balance and fell to the floor, his feet never unsticking from the hardwood of it. His mothers high laughter rang in his ears, so loud it made his head throb. He gasped as she grabbed him by the wrist, her hands perhaps colder than the icy air around them, and wretched him back up into a standing position. 

“Don’t take things that aren’t yours,” she taunted, “you selfish little brat.”

“I wasn’t trying to-” he stuttered out, trying to remember to breathe as her grip tightened around his wrist. She let go abruptly and delivered a sharp slap across his face, which sent him to the floor yet again. He put his hand up to his cheek, and it came away bloody. He tried to back away, but his feet were still stuck. He was trapped. 

“Don’t talk back to me,” she ordered sternly, kneeling down to meet him on the floor. He flinched as her hand raised to his face, but she only grabbed him by the jaw to examine the damage she had done to his cheek. She tutted. “Sirius, darling, you know I don’t like to do this to you, but I’ve got to teach you proper manners. I only hurt you because I care.”

I only hurt you because I care.

I only hurt you because I care.

I only hurt you because I care.

The words bounced around his brain rapidly, and he blinked back tears as he tried to understand them. He wanted to ask her to stop caring, if it meant less pain, if it meant less terror, but he couldn’t bring himself to. How do you choose between safety and love? Why did he have to? Was it really so selfish to wish he could have both? 

“I don’t understand,” he whispered back to her, because he didn’t. Because he never would. She looked at him curiously for a moment before she stood, pacing the room. Her heels clicked on the ground with every step she took, the sound of them echoing against the walls. Sirius stayed on the ground. 

“You are a disgrace to this family,” she spat at him, her words venomous in their fury, “and I have no choice but to teach you to be better.”

“Please,” he begged, despite how hard he wanted not to, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be-”

“Flagellicorpus!” she interrupted, slashing her wand, and Sirius immediately cried out at the pain that followed, clutching his stomach where the curse had hit him. She continued to flog him with the spell until he was curled into a ball, sobbing as the hot tears on his cheeks melded with his blood. At some point his feet had become unstuck, but he didn’t even notice until his mother finally relented, sweeping out of the office without so much as a word. She left him shaking like a leaf on the floor. It was so cold. It was so dark. He wanted to melt into the floorboards and give way to the darkness around him. He wanted to disappear. He wanted to be warm. He eventually moved himself to a sitting position, crawling over to the desk and grabbing hold of the candle with shaking hands. He did not take time to bask in its warmth. Instead, he tipped the candle sideways, watching for a moment as the wax dripped onto the ground. He took a deep breath and held the flame to the wood of the desk, engulfing the entire room into flames. 

Sirius gasped, shooting up in bed as echoes of flames flashed in his mind. He took in his surroundings quickly, his eyes dashing around the room rapidly as he willed his heart to stop beating so incredibly fast. He attempted to ground himself, gripping his bedsheets and breathing deeply to try and rid himself of that intense terror that was swirling dangerously in his stomach. It didn’t work very well. He groaned, untangling himself from the mess of sweaty covers and tip-toeing into the bathroom as quickly as he could. He barely had time to shut the door behind him before he was retching over the bowl. It felt like his stomach was burning him from the inside out, a remnant of the unforgiving flames that tainted his dreams. The pain was just as intense as the first time the nightmares made him physically sick, but the retching didn’t last nearly as long. After around half an hour, Sirius found himself sitting with his back against the wall, knees curled into his chest. His throat was raw from bile, and he desperately needed a drink, but all he could do was sit there and listen to the sound of his own breathing. Everything felt so staticky, so out of place, and it was like he was seeing himself through someone else's eyes, a ghost floating above his own body and watching as he fell apart, powerless to stop it. Always powerless. He curled into himself further, instinctually trying to make himself smaller. 

He flinched violently when the bathroom door creaked open, but stilled when he saw who it was. Remus. Sirius’s stomach lurched as he brushed his sweaty hair away from his eyes. He looked down at the tile of the floor, embarrassed. Remus didn’t comment on Sirius’s state, only filled him a glass of water from the sink and handed it to him wordlessly. Sirius took the glass in his hands and finally looked up at Remus curiously. 

“Why did you punch him?” He asked. Remus sighed, taking a seat next to Sirius on the ground. 

“I don’t know,” Remus admitted, running a hand through his disheveled hair, “I just got mad, I think.”

“I don’t need anyone to protect me,” Sirius declared, “I’m not weak.” The statement was more for himself than for Remus. 

“I know that. It’s just…”

“Just what?”

“I don’t like the idea that you aren’t safe,” Remus whispered, looking down at the bathroom tile. Sirius took this information in carefully. He wasn’t entirely sure what it meant.

“Safe from what?” He asked, trying to keep his voice steady. If Remus knew…

“I think… I mean, I knew that your family was strict, Sirius, but I think when Snape said that thing about your parents… I just, it clicked into place for me. Your house isn’t… safe, then, is it?” 

Oh. So he did know. Or, at least he had a suspicion. That was fine. That was okay. Sirius could fix this. He just had to lie through his teeth, which was a bit of a problem, because Remus seemed to see through pretty much everything. 

“Of course my house is safe. My parents aren’t exactly angels, Remus, but I’m not in any danger. I’m fine,” Sirius lied, trying desperately to control his facial expressions. He didn’t meet Remus’s eyes, instead looked at the scar that crossed the bridge of his nose. Remus frowned.

“You don’t have to lie to me, Sirius, I’m not- I’m not going to tell anyone, okay?”

“There’s nothing to tell.”

“Yes there is! I know you’re lying!” Remus finally snapped. Sirius stood up at this, anger flooding his senses. Remus followed suit. 

“Fuck off! I don’t have to explain anything to you Mr. Secret Keeper! You lie to the three of us all the time and I don’t say anything about it to James or Peter, do I? It’s none of your bloody business what goes on at my house! You don’t trust me with your stuff and that’s fine , Remus, it really is, but that means that I don’t owe you anything. I owe you nothing. So just… fuck off.” 

“It's- Sirius, It’s not about owing , I’m just.. I’m worried about you. You can tell me these things.”

“There's nothing to tell.”

“You tell James. I know you do,” Remus uttered, an unreadable expression painting his face. 

“Yeah, well, you aren’t James,” Sirius bit back, his words laced with venom. He knew as soon as he said it that it was wrong, that it was hurtful. That it was true. No one would ever be James. But no one would ever be Remus, either. Sirius wanted to say that, to tell Remus that, wanted to apologize, but he just couldn’t find the words. 

His stomach turned over again, guilt flooding him. Remus pressed his lips together, looking hurt, and quickly left the room, closing the door behind him. Sirius slid down the wall and put his head between his knees, wishing he could set the bathroom ablaze, too. 

The rest of October was a blur. Remus mysteriously disappeared to the hospital wing again, but Sirius couldn’t find it in himself to wonder why anymore. Madam Pomfrey wouldn’t let any of them visit, but she assured them that Remus was just fine. He was at lunch the next day, saying something about being prone to falling ill, but Sirius wasn’t really listening. After their confrontation in the bathroom that night, they hadn’t properly spoken to each other at all. Sirius hadn’t really spoken properly to anyone but James since then, actually, too afraid that more people would discover his secret. James was different, though. James read the letter. James knew. There was no getting around that. Sirius had gotten used to that fact, but the idea of anyone else knowing that Sirius’s house was more of a prison than a home made him queasy.  

“So,” James started, gathering the attention of the other three boys immediately, “Halloween.”

“What about it?” Asked Peter, shoveling roast chicken into his mouth. James just smirked, pulling out the draft of the map (which they had dubbed “The Marauders Map” after the confrontation with Snape, as James thought that calling themselves “Marauders” was incredibly cool).

“I’ve got a surprise for you lot. I was finishing up filling in this section here,” James said, gesturing to an area of the map, “and I found something really cool. After the Halloween feast tomorrow, I want to show it to you!” James appeared very proud of his discovery indeed, so the rest of them agreed to sneak out after the feast to see it. 

The four of them fell into excited chatter after that, their shared hunger for adventure and mischief insatiable. Remus and Sirius didn’t speak directly to each other at all, it was as if they were both ignoring the other's existence. This arrangement might have hurt Sirius in the past, but he found it difficult to care about it right now. He found it difficult to care about a lot of things, especially as Christmas Break drew nearer. His brain was just too full. He sighed, rubbing his eyes in exasperation. 

The owls came at the same time as always. Sirius listened to the flutter of wings that echoed around the hall, watched as the birds flew into peoples food and slid across tables. He was so busy laughing at Snivellus being splashed with Mulicbers soup by a rogue owl that he almost didn’t notice the one that landed directly in front of him. 

Almost. 

Sirius’s breath hitched as he stared at the envelope in front of him. With a shaky hand, he picked it up, his friends chatter having ceased the second the owl dropped off the letter. His heart was beating rapidly, and tears threatened to spring up in the corners of his eyes for some reason, but he blinked them back. He was not going to embarrass himself in front of the whole table, especially not over a stupid piece of parchment. He was not weak. He was not. 

“Sirius,” James began, “do you want me to-”

“No,” Sirius interrupted, holding the letter out of James’s reach, “I’ll read it. It’s just a letter. I’m fine.”

“It doesn’t have your family crest on it,” offered Peter, and Sirius had never loved him more. He double checked the envelope to find that Peter was correct and his family crest was not, in fact, inked onto the paper.

“Pete! You’re right,” beamed Sirius, “It’s not from my parents!” He tried not to sound too ecstatic at this news. It was fine for his friends to know he didn’t get along with his parents, but he didn’t want to give Remus any more reason to suspect anything abnormal was going on. Sirius himself still hadn’t decided whether or not his household was that abnormal.

“Well go on, then, read it!” ushered James, and so Sirius did. 

Dearest Cousin, 

Happy birthday! Sorry I sent my owl a bit early, but the forecast is calling for a snowstorm where I live and I wanted to make sure my owl could get this to you before the third. Anyways, I hope this letter finds you somewhere near the third. 

I miss you very much! Obviously Ted and I won’t be attending the family Christmas ball, but I can’t say I’m too upset about that. I did always hate those parties, except for the time I got to spend with you and Regulus. I figured since we won't be able to catch up then, I would tell you the news now!

I'm pregnant! Can you believe it? Me! Pregnant! Ted and I are just over the moon. I’m due to have the baby in April, and I just can’t wait! I’m going to give her such a wonderful life. I’m going to be everything to her that my mother never was to me. I have found such happiness, Sirius, and I just wanted to remind you that you’ll find happiness someday, too. There is more to life than where we came from. 

Write back when you can, 

Andromeda

Sirius finished the letter wearing a grin from ear to ear. Andromeda was pregnant. She was happy. She was safe and in love. He hadn’t seen her since the previous year, since the day she had announced her engagement to Ted. The day her picture was burned off the tapestry. He blinked back tears once more and read the letter to his friends, omitting the last few sentences in his retelling.

“Your birthday is the third?” James sprung up with vigor, dutifully ignoring everything else Sirius had just read, “Why didn’t you tell us?!” 

“Why would I?” Sirius asked, wrinkling his nose distastefully.

“Why wouldn’t you?” Peter chimed in, now skimming the Daily Prophet, Remus looking on over his shoulder, “we could have thrown you a party!”

“A party? What for?” Sirius questioned, now very confused. Sirius had been to many parties in his life. Christmas parties, engagement parties, New Years Eve parties; all of which were dismal affairs and oftentimes ended with magical duels between his unhinged family members. Never had he been to a party for something as unimportant as a birthday. It struck him as very odd.

“You mean to tell us you’ve never had a birthday party? Or birthday presents?” James asked incredulously, as if the very thought was completely unbelievable.

“Of course not!” Sirius replied, increasingly astounded with the conversation. The idea of his family celebrating him for something as unremarkable as being born was laughable. 

“That is the saddest thing I’ve ever heard,” deadpanned Peter, which earned him a smack upside the head by James, “Ow! I mean, why not?”

“I didn’t realize that was a thing most people did,” Sirius shrugged, pocketing the letter and going back to his lunch. Did most people have parties and get presents on their birthdays?

“So your family just… doesn’t celebrate birthdays?” James pushed, his brows furrowed together like he was trying to solve some sort of puzzle.

“Nope,” Sirius replied, popping the ‘P’, “why would they? It’s not like being one year older is really that important. Although, I guess there might be a small formal event on my 17th birthday since I’ll be an heir coming of age.”

“Right,” James declared, running a hand through his hair, “that's going to have to change immediately. We are throwing you a party in the common room that day. How far away is it? Four days? We can totally make that happen.”

“You really don’t need to do that,” Sirius countered, quickly flustered.

“We know we don’t have to, Sirius,” huffed James, slapping a hand on Sirius’s shoulder, “We want to. Honestly, you need to just learn that sometimes people care about you without any ulterior motive.”

“I don’t not let people care about me-” Sirius started to argue, but he was interrupted by Remus clearing his throat. He stopped speaking, instead opting to glare at Remus. 

“Oh, don’t you?” challenged Remus, his arms crossed and his brows raised. Sirius wanted to slap that stupid look off of his face. 

“I’ll have you know that I have no problem with people caring about me. I do, however, get rather bothered when people won’t learn to mind their own business.” Sirius responded, eyes narrowing. James and Peter shared an uncomfortable glance. It was clear that neither of them knew how to act around Sirius and Remus when they argued. 

“I just wanted to make sure you were okay! I was worried about you! I care about you!” Remus burst, his gaze desperate. He was begging for Sirius to let him in. Sirius just couldn’t do it. 

“Well stop caring!” Sirius snapped, grabbing his things quickly before exiting the table in a huff. He left James and Peter dumbfounded in his wake, and refused to acknowledge the defeated look that Remus bore.

Sirius and Remus did not speak to each other at all following their argument at the lunch table. The four of them were together all of Halloween, carving pumpkins and playing pranks and eating the delicious food the elves had prepared for the Halloween feast. Remus and Sirius had been together all day, and yet they had not so much as looked at each other even once. 

It was a difficult thing to keep up. Sirius and Remus had been quite close since they’d met, and Sirius kept finding himself wanting to whisper jokes to Remus, or to tell him whatever random thought had popped into his mind, but he couldn’t. He and James were indescribably close, but there was something different about Remus. Where it felt like he and James shared the same brain, it was like he and Remus shared the same soul. They were fundamentally different, but sometimes it felt like there was this force driving Sirius toward Remus, making him want to know everything there was to know about the other boy. He had to keep reminding himself that he couldn’t joke with Remus like he used to, that he couldn’t badger him with questions because it seemed like he just knew everything , that he couldn’t throw his arm around Remus’s shoulder or laugh with him until neither of them could breathe. 

It was just hard to get used to. Especially because Sirius knew he was being too hard on Remus. He knew that he had said hurtful things and lashed out when Remus was only trying to help, but he just couldn’t deal with it if Remus knew about what happened in Grimmauld Place. 

For one, Sirius still had not decided whether he was actually unsafe at home or if his parents really did only hurt him because they cared about him. Some days it felt so clear that his house was not normal, that it was not safe, but other days he managed to convince himself that his parents were just stricter than most. He wanted to be able to convince himself of that for just a little longer. 

Also, Sirius absolutely could not have Remus’s thinking that he was at all afraid of his parents. Sirius Black was a lot of things, but he was not a coward and he would not have Remus Lupin of all people thinking that he was too weak to handle his own problems. Sirius was not weak. Sirius was not afraid. Or at least he would never admit that he was. 

In conclusion, Remus Lupin needed to butt out of Sirius’s home life. Sirius wanted his friend back, but he didn’t know how to make up with Remus without telling him everything he was feeling, and Sirius had never been good with feelings. With expressing them. The only thing he knew how to do properly was be angry. And so he stayed angry. So he didn’t talk to Remus because he just didn’t know how to do anything but brood. 

He didn’t even speak to Remus when James showed the rest of the boys the passage to Honeydukes that he had found. He didn’t speak to him as they walked through the dark tunnel, or as they entered the shop, and he didn’t even make fun of Remus for his chocolate addiction as the four of them ransacked the cellar for candy. 

In fact, by the morning of Sirius’s birthday, he and Remus had still not spoken a word to each other. James and Peter had both tried desperately to get the two of them to make up, but Sirius and Remus were perhaps the two most stubborn individuals in the entire castle, and both of them refused to be the first to apologize. And so they had reached a stalemate. Sirius was so caught up in his fight with Remus that he had forgotten it was his birthday entirely. Not that he usually paid much mind to his birthday, anyways. In fact, he probably wouldn’t have registered that it was his birthday at all if it hadn’t been for James. 

James, apparently, had not forgotten about Sirius’s birthday at all, because he woke Sirius up before dawn the morning of the third by jumping on his bed and screeching “Happy Birthday” at the top of his lungs. Sirius groaned, throwing his comforter over his face and trying desperately to cling onto sleep. Peter and James both laughed, grabbing the ends of the blanket and pulling it off Sirius in a manner so quickly you would think they had practiced it. Sirius groaned again. 

“Five more minutes,” he pleaded, squinting his eyes at the lamplight in the room.

“No way!” Declared James, throwing a pair of jeans and a shirt at Sirius, “Get dressed. The sun is going to be rising soon and the three of us are taking you down to the lake to watch it.”

“The three of you?” Inquired Sirius, suddenly more awake. 

“The three of us,” confirmed Peter, “you and Remus are both Marauders and therefore are not allowed to be mad at eachother for any longer.”

“We can be mad at each other for as long as we want!” said Sirius, but Remus drew the curtains from his own bed and shook his head at Sirius.

“It’s no use, Sirius, I had this conversation with them already,” Remus said, “apparently being Marauders means no inter-arguing.”

“Exactly,” concurred James, “if we intend to be school legends, we have to stick together. So no more fighting.”

“We can’t just-” Sirius started, but Peter rolled his eyes, groaning.

“Can you guys please just call a truce? Just for today?” Peter begged, and Sirius turned to meet Remus’s eyes. A day couldn’t hurt. He could be nice to Remus without spilling all his secrets for a day. 

“Fine,” Sirius agreed, getting up to change into his day clothes, “but only for today.”

Sirius had never realized that birthdays could be so much fun. James, Peter, and Remus had taken him to watch the sunrise over the Black Lake, sang him “Happy Birthday” at breakfast, and gotten the portraits to sing to him every time he passed by any of them. It was after dinner that Sirius found himself getting ready for his own birthday party in his dormitory, his heart thundering. He felt so… well. He didn’t really know how he felt. Appreciated? Cared for? It was odd. He felt like he hadn’t done enough to deserve the kindness he was being shown. He felt almost guilty, if he thought about it hard enough. 

Remus interrupted that line of thought, knocking twice on the door before entering and closing it behind him. 

“Hey,” he said, swallowing awkwardly with his back up against the door, “the party is almost ready. James and Peter will be up in a minute to force you to make some sort of grand entrance down the staircase.” 

“Of course they will,” Sirius replied with fond laughter, not quite meeting Remus’s eyes. They had been cordial to each other today for the sake of James and Peter, but speaking to each other alone was new territory. 

“I just, uhm, I wanted to say that I’m sorry. If I was pushing you to talk about something you aren’t ready to talk about. I’m sorry. I know that it's hypocritical of me,” Remus uttered, looking almost terrified. Sirius finally looked up at Remus fully, their eyes locking. 

“I’m sorry too,” Sirius breathed, without even thinking, “I shouldn’t have said that you weren’t James.”

“I’m not James.”

“I know that. You’re Remus. And Remus is just as good. And I’m sorry that I implied that you aren’t. Because you are. I was just…”

“Angry?”

“Scared.” Sirius admitted, though he wasn’t sure why.

“I get scared, too, Sirius. You don’t have to be scared alone.” Remus all but whispered, and Sirius remembered what James had said to him on the very first night they had arrived at the castle. We can be scared together . 

“I think I’m starting to realize that,” was all Sirius said, but it was enough. Remus smiled, and Sirius smiled, and everything seemed like it might just be okay. 

James and Peter burst through the door moments later, nearly shoving Remus to the ground in their excitement. James was holding a paper crown that read “Birthday Boy” and carefully bestowed it on Sirius’s head before leading him out to the staircase. As Sirius descended the stairs, the other three boys whooped and hollered and cheered behind him, and it was all so ridiculous and sweet and Sirius just didn’t know what to make of it. The girls were all wearing birthday hats, along with Frank Longbottom and Alice Fortesque, and each of them gifted him candies and trinkets. 

The common room was packed, the stereo playing some sort of muggle music that Sirius was entranced by, and the warm light of the fireplace dancing off of the walls. He danced and laughed with his friends for hours, and by the time the party was over his heart had never felt so full. Once everyone else had finally gone off to bed, the four Marauders returned back to their dormitory. Sirius was exhausted, and very ready to go to sleep, but the other three had not finished with the celebrations just yet. 

Once they had all gotten into their pajamas, James had them sit in a circle on the floor of the dormitory so he, Peter, and Remus could give Sirius his birthday presents. 

“This is very unnecessary, guys, you already threw me a party-” Sirius began. 

“So you’re saying you don’t want our awesome gifts?” Peter interrupted smugly. 

“Well, no, I’m not saying that -”

“Then shut up,” said James. He handed him two packages, both square, with one being very thin and light and the other being very heavy. Sirius looked up at him curiously, but James only smirked at him and gestured for him to open them. Sirius did, and moments later he found himself holding several muggle records and a muggle record player. He could actually cry. 

“James!” He burst out, launching himself over to hug his best friend, so grateful he was near tears, “Thank you so much,” he told him, but it wasn’t anywhere near enough words to convey how giddy it made him. Sirius had always been into muggle things, muggle clothes, muggle music, muggle inventions, and not even just because it made his parents livid. He just thought that they were so interesting– so magical , even in a world that lacked magic. He had always been so interested, but he had never had anything other than muggle clothes from that world to call his own. And music? James knew how much he loved music. James knew him so well, better than anyone had ever tried to know him (except perhaps Regulus, but thinking about Regulus was still rather painful at the moment), and just that fact was enough to send his heart soaring. He had friends. And not just surface level friends. He had real, true, best friends. Friends who knew him. Friends who knew him and cared about him anyway. Friends who knew him and cared about him even more for it. It was only a record player, true, but the fact that James knew that Sirius would even like that was dizzying. The reality that he had people that cared enough about him to remember that he liked muggles, and music, and then give him something like this– it was almost too much for him to handle. 

“It was nothing, mate,” said James easily, because he didn’t understand how far from nothing it was. He didn’t understand how everything it was. Sirius couldn’t fathom any response that would convey it, and so he just thanked James over and over again until Peter interrupted him by handing him another gift. Sirius shook off his brief emotional moment and opened it. 

Inside was a framed photo of the four of them, taken outside by the big tree that sat next to the lake. Sirius had his arms around the shoulders of both James and Remus, a goofy grin plastered across his face. James was laughing in the photo, holding up bunny ears behind a poor and unsuspecting Peter, who was smiling bashfully. Remus was looking over at Sirius, smiling at him like he was some sort of miracle. Or- well, he was smiling and looking at Sirius, not smiling at Sirius, because there was no reason for him to be smiling only at Sirius, but the angle of the photo or the timing of it or an amalgamation of the two made it seem like that was the case. He finally stopped over analyzing after a few moments to thank Peter. His heart felt so full it could burst.

“Thanks, Pete! I’ll keep this on my nightstand, I look fantastic in it,” he joked, and his friends laughed along with him, and everything was just so perfect. He felt like he was floating on a cloud. And then it was Remus’s turn to gift Sirius something. He handed him a small parcel, wrapped much more neatly than James or Peter's gifts had been. Because of this, Sirius took care in opening it, tearing away the wrapping paper gingerly and gently as if he might hurt it. When he finally did get it open, he let out a small breath of air. It was the book they had talked about almost a month earlier, the one about the boy with a funny name. The Outsiders . 

“Merlin, I had forgotten about this!” Said Sirius, looking at the book with a fond smile. 

“It’s your turn to read it,” offered Remus, “If you still want to, that is-”

“Of course I still want to, Remus! Don’t be silly,” Sirius cut him off quickly with a dismissive wave of his hand. Remus beamed, though it was clear he tried to hide it. 

“Great! Well I- I hope you don’t mind, I, um, I highlighted some bits that I thought you would like, or that like, reminded me of you,” Remus sputtered out. Sirius felt like he was up on that cloud again. 

“I don’t mind at all, Remus,” Sirius offered softly, “thank you, really.”

“You’re welcome.”

The boys finally all went to bed after that, with Sirius promising to read the book after Christmas, because he wouldn’t be able to bring it to Grimmauld Place due to its general muggleness, and he didn’t want to have to start it and not be able to finish it before it was time to leave. Regardless, he found himself flipping through the pages that night after everyone else had fallen asleep, searching for those highlighted portions Remus had mentioned. He stopped on one page containing a line that Remus had highlighted in blue. It read: “ You still have a lot of time to make yourself be what you want. There's still lots of good in the world. ” 

It made Sirius tear up, not for any reason in particular. He closed the book, stashing it under his pillow, and turned on his side to face Remus’s bed. He fell asleep tracing patterns in the curtains of it.

Sirius spent the rest of November still on a high from his birthday. Remus disappeared again , which was starting to feel like some sort of monthly ritual, but this time Sirius was just too happy and full of fondness for his friends that he didn’t care. As opposed to the latter weeks of October, which he spent in a rather depressive state, Sirius found himself happier than he had ever been as November drew to a close. He just had so much… fondness, for everything. He felt fond when the four of them doubled over in laughter after another successful prank, or when they all stayed up talking in their dormitory until the sun had risen, or when James and Lily got into another meaningless argument over breakfast, or at Quidditch games where he, Marlene, and James screamed their lungs hoarse for Gryffindor, or just in those quiet moments in the common room where the marauders and the girls studied (or tried to study) together, and everything was warm. Everything was just… warm, lately, even as the snow began to fall, even as winter creeped up on them. Sirius had people who cared about him. People that weren’t family. Not by blood, anyway. It just. Meant everything to him. That people cared. Even though they had no obligation to. 

The warmth carried through to December, and Sirius felt so light and bright and happy that he didn’t even realize it was almost time to go home for the holidays until it was. It didn’t hit him fully that he would be returning to Grimmauld Place until the early afternoon before he had to leave, lounging by the fireplace with all of his friends as they discussed their family holiday traditions. He was sprawled out on top of James on the floor, sharing a box of fizzing whizbees with Peter from their latest raid of Honeydukes cellar. It was when Mary asked if they had all finished packing yet when that balloon of warmth in his chest popped and deflated. Sirius sat up quickly.

“Wait- packing? We don’t leave for another week or something, right?” He asked nervously. He had been so caught up in having fun with his friends that he hadn’t really been keeping track of the days. He had forgotten he had to. He had forgotten that he was awaiting his doom at home, if only for a blissful few moments. 

“Sirius, you’re joking, right?” asked Dorcas, laughter bubbling up within her, “We leave tomorrow .”

“You’re kidding me, right?” He said, hoping he didn’t sound as panicked as he felt, “...Right?!” He looked to James for reassurance, but James only grimaced.

“Mate… how did you not know that? It’s all anyone has been talking about,” James said, but he didn’t seem to find it as funny as Dorcas did. He knew what was waiting for Sirius at home, and now he also knew Sirius was not at all prepared for it mentally. 

“I dunno… I guess I just.. I don’t know,” he said dumbly. He stood up slowly, everything feeling kind of distant and unreal. “I should, um, I should go pack.” 

“I’ll come with you and help,” announced James immediately, standing up and following him to the dormitory, leaving the rest of their friends rather confused at Sirius’s sudden shift in mood. 

Once they reached the dormitory, Sirius sat down on his bed and put his head in his hands, just willing himself to breathe, breathe, breathe . He didn’t understand why it was so difficult. 

“I don’t know how I just… forgot we were leaving tomorrow,” he admitted to James in a whisper when the other boy sat down next to him, a steady hand on his shoulder. 

“You probably blocked it out. Dissociated or some shit,” James reasoned, now rubbing calming circles on his back. Sirius didn’t deserve him. 

“Yeah, probably,” Sirius swallowed, “I just… I don’t want to go back there, James. I know I don’t talk about it a lot, because I don’t want the others to know but… I think they’re really going to.. to-” he couldn’t finish the sentence. He didn’t need to. James heard him loud and clear. I think they’re really going to hurt me bad. James frowned deeply, pulling Sirius into a hug. Sirius breathed in his scent, still that mixture of berries and forest leaves. It was comforting. He tried to memorize it for a time when there wouldn’t be any comfort. 

“I’m so sorry, Sirius,” James uttered softly, sadly, “I just- you really can come stay with me.”

“I can’t,” said Sirius, “they would find me. And besides. I have Regulus. I can’t leave him there. I won’t leave him there.”

“He can come too,” James pleaded.

“He wouldn’t go. Maybe next year, when he’s here, when he knows what it’s like to be anywhere but there. But this year… this year, I have to go back.”

“Okay. Okay. So then before you do, before you do, I’m going to surround you with so much love and laughter and fun that you can hold onto it when you’re there. So let's get you packed now, and then all of us– you, me, Peter, Remus, and the girls are going outside to the grounds to mess around in the snow. Okay?”

Sirius smiled. One thing about James Potter is that he never stopped trying to fight light in the darkness, even when the darkness wasn’t his own. “Okay.”

And so that’s what they did. James helped him pack up all of his belongings, and once his trunk was full, he dragged him and the rest of the group outside to the grounds where they proceeded to have a snowball fight. It was very childish, but Sirius didn’t mind. It really was fun. Lily hit James with at least fifty snowballs, and Sirius and Remus built a snow fort to protect themselves from oncoming attacks by Peter and Marlene. 

“Are you okay?” Remus asked him as they crouched behind the fort, the sound of their friends' laughter echoing in the background.

“I’m okay for tonight. Going home will be hard,” Sirius admitted, “but I’ll come back. And then I’ll be okay again.”

“Okay. I’m here for you, you know. All of us are.”

“I know. That’s why I’ll be okay,” Sirius smiled softly. “Now can we please get back to pelting Peter and Marlene with snowballs?”

“I would love nothing more.”

The snowball fight continued on into the late afternoon, when all eight of them had been pelted with what collectively was probably pounds of snow. Cheeks and noses pink from cold, they all trudged into the castle together for dinner. The feast smelled amazing, and was as over-the-top as anyone would have expected for the last night before break, but Sirius wasn’t very hungry. He left the table early, picking up a dreamless sleep drought from Madam Pomfrey on his way back to the dormitory and ignoring her worried expression. He showered and changed into his pajamas and sat in his bed, drought in hand, staring at the wall. 

He was going home tomorrow. It was hard to wrap his head around. Maybe that’s because he wasn’t really going home, he was just going back to the house he lived in. Home was here. Home was James. Home was Remus. Home was Peter, and Mary, and Marlene, and Dorcas, and Lily. Home was snowball fights and pranks and the fire of the common room and a record player from his best friend and a book annotated just for him by his other one. Home was a lot of things. It wasn’t Grimmauld Place. It never really had been. He didn’t want to go back. 

But home was Regulus, too. Regulus had always been home for Sirius. And Sirius had always been home for Regulus. And Regulus didn’t have snowball fights or record players or friends who cared about him enough to read a line from a book and think about him and highlight it. What Regulus did have was Sirius. So he had to go back. 

Sirius took the potion. He fell asleep, and the next morning, despite the way his whole body protested, he got out of bed, and he gathered his trunk, and he got on the train with his friends. He memorized their eyes and their scents and the sound of their laughter and told himself over and over and over again that he wouldn’t forget it. 

And so when the train came to a halt at Kings Cross station, Sirius took a deep breath and got off, reminding himself that it would only be two weeks before he could get back on. 

What could happen in two weeks, really?