The Secret Singer

When Will had first seen Nico after a long day in the infirmary, he had been overjoyed. He'd hugged his boyfriend so tightly that he wasn't even sure if the other boy could breathe. Nico didn't complain though.

Now, he looked down at his boyfriend's sleeping form, and remembered the thoughts and feelings he was consumed with last weekend.

He'd been happy to hear Nico sing about him, and all the doubts had flooded away with the booming music and the dancing with his new friend, Mark. But there, in the silent darkness, thoughts he'd thought he'd banished crawled back mercilessly.

'He lied to you'

'He can't trust you'

'He's moving on. Just like everyone else'

Will sat up, turning his body over to sit at the edge of the bed. He really thought he'd come to terms with Nico and his job. He was ready to move on. He was ready to keep going and move past the shock and (a bit of) hurt.

He looked down at himself, only wearing boxers since he's "like a human radiator" by Nico's words. He was okay. He could accept and move on like always.

But what if the new job meant Will falling behind? Fading into the background of Nico's life as he moved on from a past he spent five years running from?

When Will had first met Nico, before he'd become a savior of Olympus three times over, he'd known he'd liked him. When they started dating after the Giant War, he'd become friends with the other Heroes of Olympus. Percy, Jason, Piper, Annabeth, Leo, and even Reyna seemed to want him around. But he hadn't gone through a quest with them. He hadn't had near death experiences with all of them. Even though he'd been invited to their get togethers, and everyone fully incorporated him, he still felt like Nico was their glue. Would they still hang out with him when Nico moved on?

No. He was spiraling again and that couldn't happen. If he spiraled then he'd think too much and when he thought too much then he got sad and he couldn't get sad because he was Will Solace, son of Apollo, happy, sunshine healer. Stop spiraling. Stop spiraling. Stop spiraling. Stop spiraling. Stop spiraling. Stop spiraling. Stop spiraling. Stop spiraling. Stop spiraling. Stop spiraling. Stop spiraling. Stop spiraling. Stop spiraling. Stop spiraling. Stop spiraling.

Two pale arms wrapped around Will's bare abdomen. He looked over his shoulder and saw dark hair peeked out and the weight of Nico's head fell onto his shoulder. Will's face was so close to Nico's and he used it to count every freckle on his boyfriend's beautiful face. Thirty-two. Just like when he was ten. Just like a year ago. Just like yesterday.

"Why are you up so early?" he asked in his sleepy voice, a yawn escaping him at the end of his question.

Will scrunched his nose as the stale, sleepy air escaped Nico's mouth.

"Thinking."

"Uh-oh," Nico joked, a smile playing on his perfect lips.

He took a deep breath, sucking air from Will's neck, which made him smile a bit.

"Hey, can we talk about something?" he asked nervously, hand instinctively crawling to his neck.

Nico's head and hands disappeared from Will's body, partly making him regret speaking, and the Italian boy sat next to him. There was more placing not touching than making contact, but Nico made sure their arms were still pressed against each other.

"What is it, Sunshine?" Nico asked, eyes sparkling in the rising sun that peeked through the window behind them.

Will took a breath. He wasn't sure if he should tell him now. Maybe he should just brush it off and do it later. Nico was happy and content with how things were. It was selfish to change that.

'You're just afraid he'll leave'

Fuck you.

"I know what your job is," Will said quickly, not letting the voices seep in and stop him.

Out of the corner of his eye, Will noticed Nico's face change into confusion. "Well, yeah. I've been talking about it for –"

"No," Will interrupted. "I know you're a singer. I went to one of your concerts last weekend."

This time Nico tense beside him. He shifted away, moving so their arms weren't touching anymore. No contact anywhere now.

Will wanted to take it back, go back to cuddling and blissful ignorance. But he couldn't back out now. Maybe he'd be defensive at first, but wasn't it a basic want to have his boyfriend tell him about his job?

Will looked up at him, studying his pale, freckled face. "Why didn't you tell me?"

The face turned. It shifted and the perfect lips opened twice before the brown eyes turned cold and those pomegranate red lips finally responded. "Why? Do I really have to tell you everything?"

Nico's voice hit Will like ice. Sharp and cold.

"I just . . . you were gone and I—"

"So always need to be around? I can't have a moment to myself?"

Nico's weight lifted off the bed. The dark haired boy was now standing with his arms crossed and head ducked so his eyes were hidden by his hair.

"Well, I think I should know what my boyfriend's job is," Will countered, heat rising in his gut and frustration fueling the voices.

'He's pulling away'

'You're crazy'

'You're holding him back'

"Well, I think you need to step back and let me do my own thing!"

He didn't feel himself stand. Didn't notice how he was no longer sitting on the mattress until he was facing Nico with anger coursing through him.

"I thought we trusted each other!"

"You think I don't trust you?"

"Yes! You always cared more about your secrets than me!"

Nico threw his hands into his hair, frustration clear on his face. "I trust you more than anyone else!"

"Then why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I knew you'd react like this!"

Will took a step back. What the hell did he mean by that?

Nico stared at him, eyes glossy and voice quieter. "I know you've been sad that everyone's leaving, and I knew that you would think I was going to leave."

"So you lied?" Will asked, trying to understand how that would help.

"Yes!" Nico exclaimed, voice back to its original harshness, like he was tired of explaining something so basic.

Will ducked his head. He turned away, wrapping his arms together in front of his chest. "I guess we know each other more than I thought."

"What?"

He looked back at him, back to being angry because he was so confused. Why would Nico lie? How could lying help with anything? Why didn't he trust him?

'You know why'

'Just admit it'

"I didn't want to tell you about the concert because I knew you'd get defensive," he told him.

Nico's face morphed from shocked to confused and then settled on angry, eyes burning and teeth bared.

"And apparently you knew I'd react like this, so why did I even bring it up!"

Silence filled the room. It crawled up Will's neck and stung his eyes. At least, he assumed it was the silence and not tears.

"I can't do this right now," Nico said, deadly quiet.

Nico turned around and Will immediately regretted what he said. He should have kept his mouth shut, why couldn't he just keep his mouth shut?

'Because you knew he'd leave'

'It's better this way'

'You knew he'd leave eventually'

"Nico, wait—" he called but Nico was already standing in the shadows. He turned to look right at Will, gloss coating his eyes just the same, as he faded into the darkness and left Will in the cabin, alone.

"Fuck," Will whispers. Then louder, "Fuck!"

The thoughts flooded in, finding his mental walls damaged from the argument and using it to torture his mind.

'You are awful'

'It's all your fault'

'This is why he didn't tell you'

'This is why he'll leave too'

"FUCK!"

He threw his hands in his hair, trying to rip out the thoughts that darkened his mind, telling him he wasn't worthy. He wasn't good enough to be Nico's boyfriend, and it had been only a matter of time before Nico saw it too. He knew the thoughts were supposed to be wrong, but what if they weren't? What if he was just running from the truth? What if he was running from the inevitable? The truth that he was only stalling. He'd get tired at some point, why not have that point now?

He was sitting in a corner of the room, slightly rocking back and forth. He hadn't moved as far as he knew but he was there all the same.

The air was too shallow, he needed to try to get out of the high altitude.

Wait, he was at camp. He was not at a high altitude. He was breaking down again.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no,no,no,nononono.

He tried to remember what Mark had told him, how to help himself. Three things he saw, what could he feel, a happy place. He tried it all, and it did help the breaths come easier, but it didn't stop the tears from pouring down his cheeks. It didn't stop the spiralling, or sobs that racked his body, or the images of Nico melting away. Away from him.

"fuck . . ."

***

It took Will an hour or two before he could leave the cabin. When the crying stopped, he had to wait for the puffiness to die down, which apparently helped when one was a son of Apollo. He then wiped his eyes of any trace of sadness or left over tears.

By the time he left the cabin he was a hollow shell of old self. Not happy, sunshine Will. Not Nico and Will. Just . . . Will.

He skipped breakfast and instead headed right for the Big House and into the infirmary. He cut bandages, shoved away anyone who offered to help, and made sure that his hands and mind were always busy so he didn't have to think. No, he couldn't think. Not now.

At around noon, Will was reorganizing the medicine cabin for the fifth time, when two familiar voices shook him from his focus.

"Will!" Kayla, cheerful as ever, came from the entrance of the Big House and threw herself onto his back, threatening to tip him over.

"Kayla!" Will laughed, clutching the arms that were now roping around his neck.

When his sister dropped off his back, Will turned and saw Austin standing behind her

"Austin!"

Will's half brother smiled in a way that Will had been missing the last few months. Like he could feel every twist and pain inside Will, and would take the time to unravel them, all so Will was free once more.

Austin walked over to Will and Kayla and the three of them hugged each other tightly. Austin and Kayla had been gone, hanging out with their parents and starting school for the first time in years. Will had wanted to go home to his mom as well, but he was too shaky from his days in Tartarus to leave the safety of camp and . . . Nico.

"What are you doing here?" he asked the two of them once they'd backed out of the hug.

"Our schools have given us a week off for some kind of faculty things or whatever," Kayla explained.

"So we thought we'd come back and visit you," Austin finished.

Will looked between his two siblings. He hadn't realized how much he'd missed them.

"Let's swim!" Kayla exclaimed.

"It's autumn," Austin told her.

Kayla huffed, "it's not that cold. We're also children of Apollo so we can't get that cold."

Will gave a little chuckle at her insistence. "I'd love to swim with you K, but . . ."

He turned back to the cabinet, half of the contents spilled on the counter and the other half rainbow ordered inside.

Two groans sounded from behind Will's back and he turned to see Austin and Kayla crossing their arms and shaking their heads.

"What?" Will asked.

"You're always working," Austin told him.

"Wh – no I'm not!"

"Yeah," Kayla agreed, "you work all day unless Nico can come and pull you out."

Will couldn't help but droop at his boyfriend's name. Kayla didn't seem to notice any difference, but Austin's eyes softened and his statue became curious although he said nothing.

Without a word, Austin's dark hand was grabbing his arm and Kayla's little arms were pushing his back. He was so surprised that he was fully dragged to the door of the Big House before he dug in his heels and tried to pull back.

Noticing the stubbornness, Kayla moved her hands to his waist and started tickling him. Will immediately went practically limp and laughed uncontrollably.

He was dragged out of the Big House and when Austin's grip lessened, he made a break for it and freed his hand before starting to run. Kayla shouted from behind him and Will looked back to see both of his friends running full speed at him.

The three of them ran and ran across the green fields, past the empty forges and armory. They kept running past a patch of trees and Will turned to see both of his siblings had stopped running. They were staring at their shadowy surroundings like there was something hidden in the foliage.

"Given up?" Will called to them.

Both his friends were startled to look at him, seeming a little confused. Then, Kayla started sprinting towards him again and the chase was back on.

They ran for another minute or so until Will saw that they were about to run into the lake. He turned, planning to run a different direction, but Kayla and Austin had caught up and now surrounded him.

"We got you now William!" Kayla called.

Austin stepped forward and Will tried to bat him away as he collected Will in his arms. Squirming and laughing, Will was led to the water and promptly thrown off the dock.

The water curled around Will's body and quickly soaked his cargo pants and camp shirt. His back hit the sand and bubbles leaked from his mouth and nose.

He opened his eyes and it stung a bit, but it was worth the view. Light shone lightly from the surface and the fuzzy water felt cool against his skin. The last few days he'd been living in his head, but at that moment, he felt alive in his body. The water stung with cold and it felt like a breath of fresh air, jumping back into his body.

Will's thoughts were interrupted by a muffled splash and the body of Kayla sinking towards him. She landed on his back and Will took the chance to get her back earlier. He wiggled his fingers and started tickling her so more bubbles escaped her mouth.

She broke his grasp easily and swam towards the surface so Will followed. Both of them came up and took one breath of air before Austin's cannonball sent another wave over them.

For the next hour, the three of them splashed each other and swam in the water. When they became cold, they huddled on the beach and just talked and laughed.

"Hey," Austin spoke up after a comfortable silence, watching their dad sink over the horizon. "Let's race to Zeus's fist!"

Will groaned at the thought of moving from the nice beach.

"C'mon!" Kayla urged, standing and grabbing one of his arms. "Last one there had to serenade the others with a song of the winner's choice."

Austin jumped to his feet and started running back to the forest behind them. Kayla dropped Will's arm and chased after him.

"Hey!" Will exclaimed, getting to his feet quickly. "No fair!"

The three of them once again ran across the grounds. Halfway to the structure, Kayla and Austin slowed down, giving Will a chance to get past them and take the lead. He ran and ran and didn't look back until he was only feet away from the rock sculpture.

When he did turn back, he saw that Kayla and Austin were nowhere to be found.

Will stopped running immediately and scanned the wooded area.

"Kayla? Austin?" he called into the shadows. "Is this a trick?"

"No."

Will spun around and almost gasped when he saw Nico stepping around Zeus' Fist.

"Wha–?" he started.

"I wanted to talk," Nico said quickly. He spun his skull ring and his eyes were far from looking right at Will. "Can we walk?"

Will debated saying no. He thought about leaving Nico just as he had left him earlier. He could yell at him or storm off, but inside, he really just wanted to talk.

He nodded and Nico's lips quicked into a smile for a millisecond but Will caught it. He always caught them.

The two started walking into the woods, keeping a few feet between them. They didn't talk yet, but the silence wasn't awkward. It even felt comfortable, like they hadn't just had their first big fight.

Together, they brushed past a patch of bushes and into the clearing with the stream that served as the capture the flag boundary lay.

Will and Nico walked to the edge of it and Will looked down into the shallow water and could see a wiggling shape of his face.

"I'm sorry," Nico said finally, letting out an exhale like he'd been holding in the words. "I know I should have told you. I know I get defensive and I know I need to work on that. You had every right to watch my show, and it makes sense that you'd want to know."

There was a beat of silence. Will stared into the eyes of the boy in the stream. He seemed so . . . happy. His face and aurora was bright, but when he looked into the eyes, his eyes, he could find all the sadness trapped there. It almost scared him to look because he'd seen those eyes before. He'd looked into those eyes deeply and wanted to take all of the sadness away from them before. They were the eyes he'd recognized with Nico di Angelo.

For years he'd looked into those same broken eyes and just wished Nico would let him in. Let him hold him and take all the pain he hid from the world and throw it all away.

Nico had done it. Maybe now it was Will's turn.

"I'm sorry," Will said, voice already cracking in his throat. "I just–"

He stopped, trying to recompose himself. No wait, he didn't need to compose himself. Not with Nico. He had to be brave. Be the sick instead of the doctor this time.

"It just feels like the world is moving too fast!" Will exclaimed, the tears that had been held in for months finally freely falling, ripping the happy boy in the water. "Everyone is going to school, and getting jobs, and just . . . moving on! They're all out there, living their lives, and I'm still stuck here! There! Almost every night I'm in the Pit again. It's too much. Even the nights I don't have dreams is not enough to balance. I think I'm sinking, Nico! I think I'm drowning and I will never get back up again!"

Dirt and grass hit his knees and hands, and rain droplets hit his cheeks and tumbled down his cheeks.

"I was afraid at first that you were leaving me," Will sobbed. "But then I went to your concert and it hurt even more because even though I was using the same excuse to be mad, I know deep down that I'm afraid I'm taking you down with me. I want you here, next to me. But I don't want that to mean you suck there too. You of all people deserve to live a normal life for once, but I can't help but want to be selfish to keep you with me."

Will cried, tears and sobs tearing his whole body apart and voices filling his mind.

Cry baby

No one wants to date a loser

You'll end up alone

You should just–

Two arms snaked their way around Will's fragile body. He looked up and stared into Nico's eyes. His soft, dark, sweet eyes.

Will realized as he looked at the blurry image of his boyfriend, that his eyes weren't so broken anymore. Only a year ago, Nico had ventured to Tartarus for the second time and had almost lost his friend and Will. Somehow, his eyes didn't seem so dark as they had then or even before then. Will was reminded of when he'd first come to camp and he'd been so excited, a spark in his eyes. He seemed to have that spark back. It was small, and hesitant, but it was back all the same.

"Thank you for telling me this, Will," Nico told him, and he ran his fingers comfortingly in-between Will's curls. "I think I understand what you're saying. I've felt similarly with my sister. The whole world seemed to have moved on, but I was still there, that little ten-year-old in front of Percy, hearing my sister was gone."

Nico's eyes saddened at the mention of his sister, but when he looked into Will's eyes, there was a quiet warmth held inside.

"But I want to help you. I want to be someone you can talk to. I want to be someone you can lean on. I tried taking away your nightmares like Percy and Annabeth–"

"What?" Will exclaimed.

"Oh, yeah," Nico blushed. "I started learning dream magic and I found a way to take away dreams from a far distance, but we'll talk about that later. I promise I'm here for you, okay? I'm here to talk, to listen, to just . . . be. This is a long journey and I think the first thing you need to do is accept how you feel."

"How do I do that?" Will sniffled, wiping his nose on his sleeve.

Nico shrugged. "I can't tell you that. One of the most important things of recovery is that it's different for everyone. You have to become in touch with yourself and your body will tell you what to do next."

Will thought about that. He'd been living inside his head, thinking and thinking until all his energy was gone. Being in the water with Kayla and Austin was the first time he felt in his body since the Pit, and it had felt nice not to think for a minute. He wondered if it could really be possible to live like that everyday, but wasn't that what he did before the Pit?

"Thank you," Will whispered, wiping away the final tears from his eyes, "for helping."

"It's my job," Nico smiled.

"I thought I was the healer," Will joked.

Nico shrugged. "Doctors get sick sometimes too."

Nico pulled Will to his feet and the two of them started walking back to the cabins, a nice conversation starting up.

They walked deeper and deeper so that the shadow crept in and the light from the sun dwindled. Will usually felt scared of the forest and its monsters lurking inside, but with Nico, he felt safe. He knew that when it came down to it, Nico would protect him.

Maybe that's why Will had known, deep down, that they wouldn't actually break up. He knew that no matter the fight, they would work it out. Will would always be there to heal Nico, and Nico would always protect him.

They worked together. Ying and Yang, sun and moon, shadow and light.

"Here we are," Nico stated as they walked into the semi-circle of cabins.

"Here we are," Will echoed, letting out a sigh.

"So . . ." Nico started, dragging out the word. "I was wondering . . . since you now know about my shows . . . do you want to come to one? Officially?"

Will looked down at his cute boyfriend. His cheeks were flushed and Will couldn't help but laugh.

"Of course, Neeks."

Nico smiled. Will's hand reached out and Nico put his pale one inside, fitting perfectly.

"Dinner?" Nico asked.

"Dinner," Will nodded.