Chapter 1
“JAMES!” Sirius’ voice was loud, shouting through the door quickly thrown open. “James, where have you been?”
James, lying there curled up on the Gryffindor common area’s couch, barely glanced at his best friend. “Here.”
Sirius rolled his eyes. “Have you been here? Why?” He glanced around quickly to make sure the room was empty. “It’s almost the full moon, Remus needs us,” he spat quietly after ensuring they were alone, “And you’re just here? Leaving me alone to deal with it?”
James covered his face with the soft sleeve of his hoodie, a shiver running down his spine. He wasn’t cold. “Where’s Peter.” It was meant as a question, but it definitely didn’t sound like one.
“The fuck are you doing? He’s somewhere, I guess, but he’s usually not there. You know it bothers him to see Remus like that.” Sirius crossed his arms, standing directly in front of James.
And it could never bother me, James thought, immediately hating himself for it. His friend needed him, he shouldn’t be such a jerk. “Okay.” He pushed himself off the couch, his face blank. Sirius turned around without a word and stalked back toward the Marauder's shared dorm, followed by James.
Sirius opened the door gently, murmuring quietly to Remus, “Hey, Moony, Prongs is here now.” He sat on Remus’ bed, gently running a hand through his hair. Remus sighed quietly, leaning into the touch as his eyes opened just enough to see James.
Silently, Remus reached a hand towards James, who took it instantly. He sat down on the bed on the opposite side of Sirius. “Hi.”
“Where were you?” Remus blinked up at James slowly, tiredly. “You’re always here.” He shuffled closer to James, too deep in his pain and exhaustion to notice the way he cringed away from the touch.
“Sorry.” An apology. That’s all he offered. Why the fuck should I apologize, James wondered, bitterness bleeding into his mind. I did nothing wrong, I can’t do this right now, I need help, I just need to be alone, please-
He shivered again, though it was more of a rough shake throughout his spine. He could feel the muscles on his arms contract and saw his fists clench before it stopped, his body reacting normally again. He was used to it when he got upset. Why was he upset? I don’t deserve to feel like this just because my friend needs help. That’s awful of me. When will they realize what a terrible person I am?
“Prongs…?” Remus pushed himself up, pain clearly flashing in his eyes as Sirius tried to make him lay back down, only to be pushed away. “What are you doing?” He grabbed James’ wrist as he tried to stand, pulling him back towards him gently. At least, it was intended to be gentle. Remus was stronger during the full moon, some werewolf thing.
James let out a surprised snorting sound as he fell over onto the bed. It was a sound the other two recognized. Generally, it happened when he was scared, as it was used as a warning sound, an alarm of sorts, something he’d picked up from his long times spent as a stag. It felt out of place here.
“What’s wrong with you?” Sirius asked. There was nothing in his voice but concern and confusion, but James knew it was an accusation. It had to be. He yanked his wrist out of Remus’ grip, standing and taking a few quick steps away from the bed.
Remus’s eyes were wide as he watched James, who shook his head fiercely and bit his tongue.
“Sorry. Just… not feeling great,” he rasped, another violent shudder ripping through him and almost making him bite his tongue.
“Do you have a fever? You’re shivering…” Remus leaned off the bed towards James, before Sirius pulled him back.
“He’s fine, Moony. He’s Prongs, of course he’s fine,” Sirius reassured him, glancing confusedly at James.
Right. He’s James Potter, and he had the perfect life, nothing could ever go wrong. Nothing ever had gone wrong. He was just so overdramatic about tiny things, really, how could I be so useless-
“Go see if he has a fever, if you won’t let me get up,” Remus protested stubbornly, his voice soft and pained. “Just because he’s not as mentally ill as the rest of us doesn’t mean he can’t get sick,” he added teasingly, starting a little stare-off with Sirius.
James’ hands clenched into fists and another shudder ran through his spine, this time forcing his shoulders up and back in an almost painful way. He was right, of course. He wasn’t suffering the way the rest of them were, hadn’t experienced the horrors they’d been through. He shouldn’t feel the way he did, there was no reason to. It didn’t make sense for his skin to be prickling where Remus had affectionately grabbed his hand or leaned into him, or for his irrational desire to rip the skin off everywhere he’d ever been touched.
“Fine,” Sirius muttered, having realized Remus wouldn’t sleep until he was sure James was okay. He rolled off the bed, flopping dramatically to the ground before actually getting up and walking towards James.
James wanted to vomit. He didn’t have a reason to. He didn’t want anyone to touch him, not even Sirius. Stay away. Stay away from me. His jaw clenched of its own accord as Sirius stepped towards him.
Sirius stretched out a hand to place on his forehead and James slapped his hand away before he realized what he was doing. Seeing Sirius flinch, he immediately regretted it but didn’t at the same time. He wanted to comfort Sirius, he wanted to run away from him. He wanted to help Remus, but he needed help himself, I can’t do this-
“James,” Moony sounded scared. Genuinely scared.
What’s wrong with me?
James turned and dove out the window, landing on the roof as he switched to his stag form. He’d taken this route down many times, though his friends didn’t know that- he’d often run to the Forbidden Forest when he needed space to cry to breathe.
He heard them calling him, whispered but frantic shouts of “Prongs!” or “James!”
He was an unregistered animagus. Just meant he’d have to be careful. He was used to this. He jumped down to the nearest ledge, landing nimbly (his legs shaking). His breath caught in his lungs, his heart pounding, their shouts ringing in his ears, shaking, shuddering- falling. Falling?
Falling, he realized distantly. He must’ve missed the jump, and so he plummeted towards the ground, slamming into the dirt with a loud snap ringing out. One of his front legs, his left arm in his human form.
He’d already had so much adrenaline pumping through his veins that he barely felt it. Pushing himself up onto three legs, he limped as quickly as he could into the forest, knowing nobody could follow him out here. Remus got worse when actually under the full moon, Sirius wouldn’t leave him long enough to find James, and Peter, if he ever showed up to the dorm, would be too scared.
He couldn’t say for certain how long he spent hobbling through the woods. All he knew was when the adrenaline crashed, and pain flooded his senses, that he collapsed in a clearing.