Mistakes
Friday, September 19th
Marlene knew from the time that she was quite little that she was… different. When she was little she didn’t mind it, it was fun— and it always entertained the adults around her.
But her friends treated her differently than they treated each other, and that got a thousand times worse the moment she came out to them.
Mary and Lily love her. They’d always love her, but the moment she blurted out that she thought she liked girls things changed.
She knew from the moment a muggle girl at a movie theater kissed her on the cheek, and she soon realized that she would never be normal again. She wouldn’t ever get married, even if she did find someone. This would be her life now- secrets and fear. It had to be. The way she watched a neighbor of her be arrested for homosexuality wouldn’t leave her. People didn’t like it, she never cared if people liked her before… but this was different.
Though she’d so young, she could still remember it. The man got off with two months probation for enforcing homosexual rights.
That didn’t exist, not yet, not in this life anyway.
But she couldn’t just throw that onto their friends. They were kind and lovely and never mentioned any harm, but they could never understand it. She knew that.
So it didn’t matter.
It. Didn’t. Matter.
“Miss McKinnon!” Professor Slughorn snapped and tapped on her shoulder. Her head was down within her arms against the desk. “Are you paying attention”
“Yes. Professor” She picked up her head and fixed her hair. They were just drying out newt tongue— it couldn’t have been that hard.
Dorcas Meadows kicked her in the shin.
Fucking potions.
Marlene thought, for partners this year she’d been placed with a Slytherin girl named Dorcas Meadows.
Marlene was ashamed to say that her first thought was holy shit that girl is beautiful.
That girl was the Slytherin keeper.
“No fraternizing with the enemy,” Sirius would’ve told her.
“You fucking idiot,” Dorcas whispered. “Couldn’t stay awake for ten damn minutes? I hate Gryffindors”
“We’re not too fond of you either” Marlene laughed. “And the only reason why you hate us is because we’re better at quidditch than you”
“We have the best seeker in a century”
“We have James Potter”
“Want to make a bet? Forty galleons says we beat you the next time Slytherin and Gryffindor have a game”
“Well that won’t be until December”
“Hold it up McKinnon, I don’t take you for a coward-“
“I am no coward!”
Dorcas looked up at her through her eyelashes. “Forty galleons then”
“Sure, Princess”
“What did you just call me?” she picked up the paddle of deathly draught and tilted it towards her, threatening to blow it onto Marlene.
“I mean look at you! You have beads in your hair!”
“My friend puts them in for me. She says they bring good energy or whatever” she pushed her braids behind her ears.
“Pandora Rosier? Rackspurt girl?”
“What did you just call her?” Dorcas gave her a dangerous look.
“I didn’t mean it as an insult, she just keeps shooing something by my head whenever I’m around her. She says there are Rackspurts in my head”
“Your mind is clouded. That what she means” Dorcas scowled and started spinning counter clockwise. Whispering stuff under her breath.
“Ah, so you speak Rosier do you?” Marlene leaned back a bit in her chair. Looking over at Pandora, sitting with Lily. Her eyes practically glazed over as she smiled at Lily.
Then there was the boy, Evan, who looked about ready to smack Barty Crouch Jr. back to whatever hell hole he came from.
Fun.
“It’s quite simple if you listen. Most things are” She rolled her eyes and kept stirring.
“Oh don’t get all philosophical on me, Princess”
Dorcas flicked a juniper berry at Marlene’s head. “Call me that again and your life is over”
The bell rang soundly through the room, Marlene sprung to her feet to start packing. Along the way she noticed that James potter is partnered with Regulus black.
Well, someone royally fucked this seating chart up.
“Hey” Mary stood over her and waited for her to finish packing. “Thank actually could have been much worse, I was with a girl name Emmaline and-“
“Did you catch the homework?”
“Lily will have it. She always does” Mary shrugged.
Marlene pulled Mary out of the class a bit faster than she probably should’ve. She pulled her by the arm close. “Did you see the girl who I was with?” She whispered.
“Meadows?”
“Yeah. What do you think of her”
“I think she’s an incredible keeper, so I hate her. Why?”
“Nothing. Just curious.”
***
Saturday, September 20th
Marlene loved a good party.
More than anything she liked having an excuse to get pissed out of her mind.
But not this one. Not today, not after the attack.
She hadn’t been there, but Mary and Lilly had been. They were all shaken and sad. Marlene tried her best to cheer them up, but jokes wouldn’t cheer them up. She knew there was nothing she could do, they were both muggleborns, they both felt this harder than Marlene could.
So as the night grew on Marlene continued to drink more and more, eventually finding her way to the library after looking at a stupid trick map Sirius had in his pocket.
“Shit” Marlene whispered as she accidentally tripped over a stack of books.
“Language!” Madame Prince shouted.
“Sorry! Sorry!” Marlene regained her balance and stuck her head out around a bookcase. It was almost midnight, which was when the library would close on a weekend night. But there was Dorcas Meadows sitting on top of one of the bookshelves, out of sight.
“I can see you” Dorcas whispered and flipped the page of my her book.
Marlene stood in front of the bookcase. “Shouldn’t you be sleeping?”
“Shouldn’t you? You’ve been stalking me all day”
Marlene stepped up the ladder and blushed heavily. “No I haven’t”
“You were staring at me during dinner. Then you went out to the pitch at the same time as me. Now you’re here”
Marlene scoffed, but it was true— she’d followed her around. Not to be creepy, she just wanted to know what she was doing.
Which might actually be kind of creepy.
“Why aren’t you in bed” Marlene went up another step.
“I don’t want to be in my dorm. Most of the kids in my house… I just don’t want to stay with them tonight”
“Are you muggleborn?” Now Marlene had her arms on the top of the shelf. Watching Dorcas as she sat up.
“What’s it to you?”
“I’ll take that as a yes” Marlene laid down next to Dorcas, who moved over and glared at her.
“What are you doing?”
“Sitting down next to you”
“Why?”
“Because” Marlene shrugged. “Are people saying bad things about muggleborns?”
Dorcas relaxed a little, her shoulders falling back into a calmer position. “They always are. I have these friends that… well I care for my friends of course, but they’re blood purists. They know that I’m muggleborn but they just try to ignore it, I guess” her lips pressed into a thin line.
Marlene knew exactly what she meant, she knew a few people, a few muggles actually, who would scoff at any suggestion of homosexuality in the news. Though they knew— well as much as they could know without Marlene outright telling them —that she was… well she was gay. But they seemed to think that it didn’t matter if it was her.
“Who are your friends”
“Uhm… Pandora Rosier obviously, her brother Evan, Barty Crouch junior, and Regulus Black. Regulus and Pandora Evan are both fourth-years while me and Barty are fifth-years. Barty is the biggest dick out of all of them. Regulus and Evan don’t really talk as much about it, but they do agree with him. And Pandora simply ignores it and acts like it’s not even happening, which is almost as bad as being a blood supremacist in itself.” Her jaw clenched and she shook her head, more disappointed than angry.
“Regulus Black? I’m friends with his brother.”
“Hah. They are two very different people”
“I figured” Marlene laughed. “That kid is scary”
“Regulus is nice though. A bit quiet and younger than us, but very kind. The biggest assholes are Barty and Evan. I love them, I would take a bullet for them. But sometimes it just feels like they’re always high. Like I can’t have one damn conversation where they’re not stoned out of their minds” She rolled her eyes.
Her eyes were quite pretty weren’t they? Marlene thought and tilted her head. “I have a lot of friends like that”
“I mean- why am I even telling you this?” She sat up.
“Because you’re really drunk”
“What the- how do you-“
“I am too” Marlene shrugged. “I smell it on you.”
“Why are you drunk?”
“It’s been a shit day”
“Really has been” Dorcas lay back down. “I’m sleeping up here tonight, so everything sucks”
“You could always sleep with me.” Marlene shot up and smacked her head. “I-I- mean-“
Dorcas blinked at her for a second.
“I-I- mean that’s not what I- I mean maybe- not but just-“
“Marlene” She interrupted her. “I think you should go to sleep”
“Why?"
“You’re drunk and you’re accidentally flirting with me”
“I’d still be flirting with you if I were sober” Marlene laughed, were her hands shaking? Did Dorcas notice? Why did she care?
“Oh so you’re…” Dorcas trailed off and twiddled her thumbs nervously.
Suddenly Marlene remembered why she wouldn’t be flirting with her if she were sober, and her stomach seemed to drop to the floor.
Oh.
She stuttered for a second.
I’m fucked. I’m fucked. I’m fucked. The whole damn school is going to find out and-
How could she be so reckless? Flirting with a Slytherin girl, how stupid could she get? So careful, she was always so careful.
No, no, no-
“I need to leave” Marlene she finally said as she sat up and ducked. She tried to steady her breathing. She cupped her hand over her mouth, suddenly feeling almost nauseous. She slid away, trying to stop her self from being sick.
“McKinnon-“ Dorcas scowled.
“I really have to go. Sorry” Marlene climbed down the ladder and fled from the library.
Her friends were still at the Hufflepuff party still when she reached her room. She ran to her bathroom and held her hair back. After it was all over she felt kind of better. She sat up and rolled into her empty bathtub. Her breathing would get slower if she stopped moving right?
Or maybe if you just stopped spiraling.
Maybe if you just hadn’t told Dorcas meadows that you were a-
She choked back a sob. “You fucking idiot” she whispered and shoved her head in her hands.