The rest of the week progressed without much change; Solene had her extra lessons, constant headaches from confusing discussions, and hangouts with her friends in Slytherin where she could just stay silent and listen to them.
So far, she hasn’t been able to talk to Lily or her friends in Gryffindor — not that she wanted to, honestly. They seemed to be close to the Marauders.
The group that she later discovered was accurately described by Barty: they were annoying.
They were obviously the popular kids and the heartthrobs of the school; when they would pass by, boys and girls alike would stare at them, or swoon, or both sometimes. During the classes she shared with them (Defense Against the Dark Arts and Potions) they were loud, they were distracting, and just… annoying.
James Potter. The one with messy hair and round glasses. He was constantly seen with the school Snitch fluttering a few inches above his hand (she still struggled with the concepts of Quidditch, but she remembered what a Snitch was because she always saw Potter with one). He was probably the most mischievous of the group, judging from the muttered prank plans she would overhear during his conversations with Sirius, which meant that having him in class gave her a headache.
Sirius Black. Regulus’s brother. Being related to her friend didn’t mean anything to Solene, especially since Regulus never failed to show his hate for Black. He was the one that most girls tripped over their feet for, which meant that she also had to deal with the giggling whenever he sat near her and Barty (which would immediately make Barty pull her out of her chair so they could relocate rows away from him and Potter).
Remus Lupin. The quiet, bookish one. Despite him being the most logical of the group, she knew that he was just as much of a troublemaker as his peers. He was a prefect, which meant that he could occasionally give his friends the blind eye whenever they were planning something particularly nefarious. A lot of people were attracted to him, too, enamored by his soft and kind personality. Solene would rather see this personality of his for herself first before she deemed him harmless.
Peter Pettigrew. He was the extra of their group, to put it in blunt words. He seems to just be dragged along for the ride. He didn’t have the confidence that his friends had, and he was the one that occasionally doubted the pranks they wanted to pull, wondering if they were truly harmless or not. To Solene, he was a bit like a cornered rat, jumpy and squeaky.
It didn’t help that his three friends were bonded to each other while he had yet to meet his own soulmate.
And yet, for some reason, that fact made Peter Pettigrew more bearable to Solene. They had occasional interactions, and the other Marauders were never included in the said interactions. She was fairly certain that they weren’t even aware that Peter was acquaintances with a Slytherin, or they would have approached her a long time ago.
It granted Solene a bit of peace and saved her from the hassle of putting up with the other, more chaotic members of the group.
The weekend rolled in, and it was obvious that it was going to be a busy couple of days. Most students would use the time to get to know more people, or spend time with the new friends they already made.
Solene, on the other hand, still had extra lessons with Dumbledore during the weekends, which she wasn’t really opposed to. She was doing decently in class, answering questions when the teacher directed some at her and keeping up with the activities that they did, but she couldn’t help but feel uneasy. She felt as if her grades were on the border of slipping down, if they haven’t already.
She knew that it was just the start of the school year, but she didn’t want to fail. Charms was already becoming a hassle and embarrassment for her — while everyone did spells on items in the classroom, Solene was told to read over her Charms book to familiarize herself with the spells first.
She never made eye contact with anyone during those classes.
“Try again, Solene, but this time, swirl your wand in a more precise arch,” Dumbledore advised. Speaking of Charms, it was the last lesson she had with the headmaster that day. He was teaching her the Repairing Charm, a basic spell that fixed most minor damages on most objects.
Despite Dumbledore being intimidating (and the portraits with beady eyes didn’t exactly help either), the girl felt more at ease when she was being taught by him. He was the only one who was patient with her, who seemed like he really understood her unique situation and wanted to help her with it. The other teachers just made her do tasks that she wasn’t capable of doing and gave her extra work when class ended.
She has to pick up the pace, but before that, she has to get used to magic.
Solene took a deep breath, setting her focused gaze on the cracked bowl in front of her before swirling her wand. “Reparo.”
Finally, after trying four times, the chips in the bowl slowly pieced back together as if it wasn’t broken in the first place. She couldn’t stop the satisfied smile from creeping up her lips.
I’m finally doing something right in this school.
“Good job,” Dumbledore hummed, taking out his own wand and waving it, making the bowl disappear. “That’s enough of our lessons today. Go on and enjoy the outdoors.”
Solene let out a small huff of laughter, pocketing her wand and slinging her book bag over her shoulders. She inclined her head slightly towards Dumbledore, something she always did when their lessons ended and the time for their departure arrived. “Thank you, Professor. See you.”
The headmaster smiled but said nothing in reply as Solene quietly left the office.
Solene tilted her head to the side, quietly sighing in relief at the crack it emitted. She continued on with her walk to the courtyard.
The courtyard easily became her favorite spot in Hogwarts. It wasn’t exactly anything special; just a large tree a few meters away from the Black Lake, but Solene couldn’t help but feel at ease there. She could hide herself from unwelcome gazes behind the large trunk of the old tree, and she could think.
The feeling of being alone with your thoughts could be a blessing or a curse, depending on what mood your brain was in. No matter what, Solene always felt safer when she had time to think.
She immediately felt her shoulders slump a bit in content as she was greeted with the warmth of the outdoors. She didn’t really have to squint from the sun, as its rays were weakened from the even coat of clouds in the sky, but it was still bright. A few kids were off to the side, laughing and tossing around a ball, and there were older students crowding the benches scattered on the grass.
Solene paid them no mind as she went towards the tree.
Thud.
Solene stumbled a little as she felt something make contact with her calf. She turned, brows furrowed in confusion, until she dropped her gaze to the ball at her feet.
She heard a quiet gasp and looked at the boy standing a few feet to her left. He was one of the kids in the small group of first years.
Solene bent down and grabbed the ball, smiling at the kid and tossing it his way. He caught it, albeit a little clumsily, but he caught it nonetheless. When he got a better grip on it, he immediately turned and ran away, not even bothering to thank Solene.
The young lady blinked a little before shaking it off. It’s probably because I’m in Slytherin, she thought. Solene was still trying to get used to the prejudice against her house. It was a bit annoying, but there wasn’t anything she could do about it. Besides, there were quite a lot of people she had the unfortunate opportunity of being housemates with who deserved all the nasty glares.
She continued her journey towards her spot, but once again paused when she heard laughter. It came from behind the tree. Although she’s been staying near the lake a lot, this was the first time she had encountered other people who were fond of the spot.
She saw two boys sitting away from the tree, facing the lake. One had luscious black hair that reached his shoulders, and the other had a messy mop of hair on his head, something glinting a few inches above him. A mousy-haired, lanky boy sat upright a few feet away from them, a book held in front of him. A smaller boy leaned back against the tree, fiddling with the grass.
The Marauders.
She felt the September chill nip at her body despite her pants and her jacket. She never had a proper conversation with the other Marauders besides meek little Pettigrew, and she had no plans of changing that any time soon, especially not now when she’s mentally tired unlike everyone else who was enjoying their restful weekend.
Solene didn’t feel like leaving the courtyard, so she settled on one of the empty stone benches near the fountain in the middle of the grounds. It was a bit too much out in the open for her liking, but the other more preferable seats were occupied, and Solene wasn’t in the mood to socialize.
Once she made herself comfortable on the bench, she pulled out a book from her bag and flipped open to where she last stopped reading. She’s read Little Women many times as a child, but it never seemed to bore her no matter how familiar the words on the page were becoming. Besides, the well-loved book gave her comfort from the familiarity despite being in a new place.
Her words drifted over the printed words on the yellowing paper, her face neutral as the world around her disappeared, her mind dipping into the world presented to her in the book.
“Excuse me?”
Solene was snapped out of her imagination. She looked up at the disturbance, and her face softened as she saw that it was a little girl, her head bowed down nervously.
“Yes?” Solene said, urging the girl to speak her business.
The little girl pulled her hands from behind her back, and Solene felt a small smile quirk up on her lips.
It was a small, yellow flower.
“Is that for me?” Solene hummed.
The girl nodded shyly. “My mom always told me that lonely, pretty people deserve flowers.”
Solene blinked. Despite herself, she felt her chest warm at the gesture. It was so innocent, and Solene greatly appreciated the honesty behind it.
Sure, there were many people who called her different variations of pretty, but hearing it from a kid who appreciated it despite not seeing what was behind the straight posture and the flowing hair, it made Solene feel content.
The young lady laughed softly as she gently accepted it, making sure not to crumple the little flower. “Why, thank you.”
The girl beamed, her nervousness fading at the friendliness of the one in front of her. Those who passed by wrinkled their noses or furrowed their brows at the odd sight of a little Hufflepuff girl interacting with an older Slytherin student, but no one dared to ruin their moment.
It was like they all subconsciously felt that this Slytherin was different compared to her house mates.
Solene looked around, suddenly remembering another lonely person. Everyone deserves flowers, even people I don’t talk to that much and don’t really like.
“Why don’t you give one also to the boy with the book over there?” Solene suggested, gesturing towards Lupin a few meters away. “He looks like he could use one.”
The little Hufflepuff nodded eagerly, another flower already in her hand as she sped walked towards the mysterious, scarred boy.
Solene watched with amused eyes as the girl tapped on Lupin’s shoulder to catch his attention. The boy’s head reluctantly turned away from his book to look at the interruption. Even from a distance, Solene could see the way his eyes grew larger in surprise before softening into a kind smile that even Solene couldn’t deny was beautiful. The girl said words that Solene couldn’t hear, and the lady stiffened as the girl turned to point in her direction.
It was like time slowed down as Lupin’s eyes glanced around before landing on hers.
Solene’s eyes widened.
Shit.
Judging from how the boy’s eyes widened as well, she knew that they both felt the same thing, that she wasn’t just paranoid and the mark below the right side of her ribs wasn’t just burning for no reason at all. Her chest contracted painfully, and an unwelcomed warmth spread throughout her entire body as if the blood in her veins were replaced with molten gold.
He’s my soulmate.
It was supposed to be a pleasant feeling, but how could something be pleasant to someone who hoped to never feel this way?
Despite the shock, Solene didn’t hesitate; she grabbed her bag beside her and stood, weaving through the groups of students in the courtyard as she ran away as fast as she could.
“I remember the first time your mother and I met. It was —”
She faintly registered the shouts behind her — Lupin was calling after her, but his voice was becoming increasingly more distant. Huh, Solene didn’t peg him for someone stupid enough to think that she would return to him after obviously dashing away.
Damn ringing.
She hated that sound.
It was one of the first signs of a panic attack, and she absolutely despised those.
“— could stop us. We always had each other, and that was —”
Her breaths grew uneven as she kept running. She bumped into a few students, but she didn’t stop to apologize.
I have to get out of here.
Amidst the chaos in her brain, Solene forced herself to think. She felt as if her airways were constricting, but she refused to stop until she was in a place she knew was safe
Where can I go where they can’t find me?
The common room.
She turned, stumbling slightly over the steps as she descended into the dungeon levels.
“— don’t do this! Please, you can’t —”
There were two boys just about to enter the common room that turned when they heard the commotion, and Solene almost let out a cry of relief when she saw that it was Barty and Regulus.
They spotted her, pausing in front of the open door and looking puzzled. She probably looked quite disheveled.
“Sol?” Barty called. He had fallen into the habit of calling her that over the past few days. He liked calling people by nicknames, she noticed. “You good?”
Solene opened her mouth, but the words couldn’t leave her. It was harder to breathe now.
No, I can’t tell them about my situation. I just need to get inside.
“I’m — I’m good,” Solene forced out. “Just wanted to go back to my dorm.”
It was obvious neither of them believed her, but she didn’t care. She just wanted to get inside. She brushed past her friends, praying that her walk didn’t look too awkward, and headed up the stairs to her thankfully empty dorm. Her pace was quicker than normal, but she didn’t want it to seem too rushed to the people watching.
She barely made it to the small bathroom before she threw herself onto the toilet bowl and let out all the contents in her stomach.
She couldn’t stop it even if she wanted to. Her body just kept convulsing and shuddering until there was nothing left to heave out of her system.
She turned and kicked the door closed, locking it with shaky fingers as she slumped against the stone wall.
I can’t breathe.
Her eyes were trained on the ceiling, but she couldn’t really see anything. Blurry hands of darkness clawed at the sides of her vision, narrowing it to almost nothing. The ringing in her ears still hasn’t stopped.
She banged her fist to her chest in an attempt to free her airway of whatever was blocking it, but she knew that the only thing in the way of oxygen was her own emotions.
And oh did she hate it when they took over her.
It was when the memories came back. Memories that she kept locked in the furthest part of her brain that she always refused to reach.
And they were locked there for a reason.
It was a dark night. The stars were covered by gray clouds that cried out their sorrow through thunder and heavy rain.
It was the ideal night for someone to die.
But Solene didn’t cry. She couldn’t, not when all her siblings were sobbing and desperate for some way to anchor themselves.
Even their newborn baby sister, Soph, was bawling. Wailing, actually. But the ringing in Solene’s ears did an impeccable job of blocking it out as she picked little Soph up from her crib and cradled her in her arms, hoping that she could pacify her sister a little bit.
The urge to cry, to scream, felt like a hot iron being pressed behind her eyes and her throat. It felt like she was suffocating, like her sight was getting blurrier by the minute. It was a different kind of torture, and it was so, so tempting to give into.
But Solene resisted.
She didn’t cry. She couldn’t, not when her siblings needed someone strong now that the strongest people they’ve known for their entire lives were gone.
She tried her best to steel herself, to offer as much support to her siblings — even their eldest, Lucas — as the cracks of Apparition resounded outside of their house. She knew that hugs and kisses and whispered sweet nothings would not be enough to soothe the hole all their hearts had, but it was all Solene could do.
After all, how could you expect a nine-year-old little girl to offer the comfort only a parent could?
Solene let in a gasping breath, her heart beating rapidly as her lungs suddenly let in a large amount of air. Her vision cleared, and she slowly became aware of her surroundings once more; the cold stone floor against her palms, the light of the three candles floating above, the tear streaks on her face.
Wait.
Tear streaks?
Shit. I’ve been crying.
Solene immediately brought the sleeve of her blazer to her face to wipe the lines of water running down her face. She felt disgusted. Since when did she have such a loose hold on her emotions?
Weak. Weak.
Solene let herself shakily inhale, and she felt more grounded than before. Sure, she still felt like she was run over by a truck, but she was able to breathe better nonetheless.
Once she felt ready, Solene hoisted herself from off the ground, dusting herself off and stepping out of the small bathroom. She knew that she had to head down for dinner soon, but she didn’t feel like eating, not after what just happened.
Besides, going down to the Great Hall meant possibly confronting her soulmates, and she didn’t want to do that just yet. Or ever, if possible.
She collapsed onto her bed, not even bothering to remove her shoes, sighing and letting her muscles relax as soon as she felt the soft mattress on her stomach. Solene let her eyes flutter shut, her senses dimming as she fell asleep in record speed. If it were any other occasion, her mind would be too busy to let her sleep, but she was exhausted from the strain her breakdown left on her.
So it’s best to just let her sleep.
After all, it might be the only sleep she’ll get in the next couple of days.
~•~•~•~
“Solene? Solene, we have to eat dinner.”
The girl remained motionless on her bed, her scrunched up face framed by groups of hair.
Pandora rubbed her hand on Solene’s shoulder, trying to shake her awake. The boys had told her of Solene’s weird behavior before she went up to their dorm, and Pandora’s concern only deepened when she saw Solene passed out on her bed just a few minutes ago.
Even asleep, the girl could tell that Solene wasn’t entirely at ease. Her brows were furrowed, and her body occasionally twitched. She was most probably having a dream, and an unpleasant one at that.
“Solene?” Pandora tried again, shaking a little harder.
This time, Solene woke with a start, eyes blown open as she raised her head from her covers. Her breathing was uneven, and sweat started to form on her forehead.
“Pandora,” Solene greeted, her voice hoarse. She cleared her throat and sat up properly, putting some distance between her and the girl. She was still a bit disoriented from her dream.
“We’re going to eat dinner,” Pandora informed Solene.
Solene made herself smile as she shook her head. “Thanks, but I don’t feel like eating. You can go ahead.”
Pandora paused, her brown eyes unreadable as she studied Solene. “Are you alright?” She asked finally.
Solene opened her mouth to reply, but closed it again. It didn’t feel right to say that she was “fine” anymore. It seemed too unrealistic now. “No, but I will be.”
Thankfully, Pandora didn’t push any further, stepping away from her bed and moving to leave the dorm. “I can bring you food.”
Solene wanted to protest, but the girl was already gone. Solene sighed instead, burying her face into her hands as she rubbed her eyes, like if she rubbed them hard enough, the images seared beneath her eyelids would fade away.
It was the same dream that plagued her for months on end after the incident that left her and her siblings orphans. The same vision that found itself flashing through her eyes whenever someone mentioned her parents.
The same event that altered the course of her life.
She thought that it was getting better, that she was getting better at putting the past aside in her mind. She avoided recalling the memory at all costs, and although it was difficult, she was successful for a time.
It all just had to come crashing down today.
She was stupid to think that these next few years were going to be smooth sailing. She was stupid to think that she wouldn’t meet her soulmates in a school of all places when it was the most common place that brought soul bonds together.
Despite her anger and her pain, a little part of her, the child in her, was relieved. The part in her that still hoped for a fantasy that was meant for everyone, the part that still yearned to have such an intimate connection with other human beings. It was her chance to no longer feel so alone despite being surrounded by such loving family members.
Solene fell back onto her bed, eyes glaring up into the cobblestone ceiling above her. She felt her resolve forming, a silent vow made as she clenched her jaw in determination.
Our parents loved each other unconditionally and placed all their trust on each other because they were soulmates. They exposed a part of themselves to each other that made them vulnerable.
I’m not going to make the same mistake.