Toujours Pur
Narcissa Black will never be perfect.
No matter how much she aches to be, she never is.
Her existence is a mistake, that she knew for sure, her birth had done more to anger than to rejoice.
The reason Narcissa will never be perfect is that she had been born into the black family - born a girl, and not a boy.
She knew her father held no love for her. Cygnus Black had only married to create heirs, and he had none. He had never cradled her infant frame while she cried of hunger or from being awake too long, he had never told her she was smart or beautiful or calm, he barely ever said a word to her or her sisters except for reprimanding them when they weren't as proper as he wanted, or commands for how they were to act. It was like Narcissa didn't exist to him. She knew it would be different if they were all born boys, if she had brothers instead.
She knew she was different from her sisters, something had always held her back from joining them in childlike rebellion, she had more fear in her slight body than the others. She knew they had suffered worse punishments at their father's hand than she, but she still strayed from disobedience and tried her best to be the perfect daughter, and later the perfect wife.
Being the youngest, her sisters had taught her how to survive, and raised her in the ways her parents couldn't. It was Bellatrix who taught her how to braid her straight blonde hair - another thing that set her apart from the other two, it was Andromeda who showed Narcissa how to use cherries to stain her lips and cheeks and bring colour to her otherwise lifeless, pale face, they were the ones who taught her what it meant to be a child born in the noble house of black, and more importantly, they taught Narcissa how to survive.
Her mother was never around, physically she was always around the house, fixing the roses on the table or dusting the window sills, but Druella Black was lost to her own mind. Narcissa remembered when her mother was truly alive, she would bring her and her sisters close to her on cold nights, smelling of vanilla and lavender, and would tell them stories until the fire burned out and then would kiss them goodnight. Narcissa never did know what exactly happened to the woman she called her mother, but had a dreadful feeling it had something to do with the only man in the house.
Three sisters, stuck in one house, one family, forever in a golden cage.
♡
Narcissa is nine and she is hungry. She is starving.
She is not hungry for food, rather for the love she hears about in fairytales and music she hears in France when they visit their holiday home. The families in stories that love each other through it all - she has that with Bella and Andy, but she wants it with her parents too. She is desperate for her fathers affection, her mothers love.
She is pathetic and wanting, she would do anything for her father to smile at her because of the love he feels, not because she has served him in being silent and still. She would kill for her mother to look her in the eyes and actually know her own daughter, instead of being a ghost of a once lit soul.
Narcissa wants bone-crushing devotion, but she knows she will never have it. She will never deserve it.
Even in her pre-teens, she knows she will have to marry a man of her father’s choosing, rich and noble and somebody who lives in his stuffy office and owns a beautiful house, with no room for love.
She daydreams of a man who holds her and kisses her in the rain, a man who asks for her marriage instead of taking it. But dreams are just dreams, and that man will never be hers.
She knows that she must not fantasize and give herself hope, but a girl can dream.
♡
Narcissa is eleven and is too small for her age.
She knows this because she sees the muggle girls in the park near her house, they are bright and happy and fill out the clothes made for them.
Their fathers push them on swings and laugh when they talk to them, they don’t choose what they deserve to eat and when they should have it.
It was the summer before she could finally get out of the house and start Hogwarts. She was outside picking flowers for inside with her sisters, all of them laughing, real and carefree. Still Narcissa made sure to cover her mouth and never show her cheer loud enough for her father to hear, this was the only joy she had, and she knew he would try to take this from her.
She knew this was one of the last glances of sisterhood she would have before they would have to grow up and marry and have children of their own, she tried to capture this feeling before she had to go to school. She knew she had to make sure she was viewed flawless and never out of place, it was what everyone expected of the Black family, and therefore she would play the part, her arms contorted into poses by the strings held above her head, the silent obeying puppet, a faultless performance even when nobody is watching her move.
Her sisters knew she was nervous to start but tried to give her hope. “Don't worry Cissy, you'll get sorted into Slytherin like the rest of the family and then you can see us in the common room whenever you need.” Andromeda spoke in a careful, kind way, like she was trying not to spook her. This was contrasted by Bella’s loud, manic way of speaking. "Yeah, Cissy you have nothing to worry about, we're here, always”.
Narcissa doubted this, they had to go their separate ways eventually, she was hesitant but who was she to go against her sisters words? They had never lied to her before. “Always?” she asked with a tremor to her voice.
“Always.” Her sisters agreed, smiling down at her. She had a feeling it had been a lie.
♡
On the first of September, 1966, Narcissa is cold.
She is standing on platform 9 and ¾ with her trunk and sisters beside her. Her father predictably is absent, the same is true for her mother. She is nervous to attend a school where she will be out of place, she had no idea how to act there, how to be perfect.
Andromeda noticed her fear first, spotting the telltale signs, a crease in her brow, the colour of her skin a shade too light. “Oh, Cissy please don't worry, if you make the right friends and stick to us when you can, everything will be alright.” Her voice was as warm as it had always been.
“What if nobody likes me, Andy? I know you will, but I can't bear the loneliness if I don't make friends.” Narcissa felt her lashline start to water, it was rare she spoke of her fears so freely, but in that moment she let the clumsy words fall out of her mouth.
“You will make friends. It might seem hard at first, but you have to. Although me and Bella want to, we can't be with you all the time.” Narcissa felt her eyes wet again.
“Come on Cissy, stop moping and get on the train, Andy and I will see you in the great hall after your sorting. Goodluck.” Bella’s higher pitched voice joined the conversation, tugging on Andromeda’s arm. She ushered Narcissa into the doors of the Hogwarts express.
“Bye Cissa.” She heard Andy call out before she was left alone in the hallway between all the carriages.
She didn't bother to reply.
♡
Narcissa finds her way to the back of the train, and out of pure luck finds an empty carriage.
With a sigh, she sits down and tries to push away all her nerves in favor of sleep.
She is awoken moments later by a crash. Startled, she sits up quickly, to make out where the noise had come from. The crash had come from another student, presumably trying to make their way into the carriage Narcissa was in. She looked about the same age as her, young and lively and full in places Narcissa should be.
Finding there was someone else in the carriage the intruder covered her shock with excitement, her eyes lit up a brighter amber than their usual chocolate brown. Her smile grew wide, and Narcissa noticed a gap between her front two teeth, it made her look innocent and kind. Real, unlike the dolllike image of herself, blue-eyed and lifeless.
The girl stuck out a hand with a grin and introduced herself as Alice Fortescue, Narcissa didn't recognise the name, meaning she was a half-blood or worse a muggle-born. She had been told over and over to only associate with members of the sacred twenty-eight. She was scared, but she saw no harm in sitting with someone for one train ride, one time. That was it. She told herself repeatedly, a mantra in her mind, she could not fall out of line, especially before she even makes it to Hogwarts.
Nothing can come of her and Alice. Nothing at all, or Narcissa would face the consequences.
“I'm Narcissa.” She introduced herself harsh and unfeeling, a warning for Alice to stay away.
She ignored this sign.
“Are you in your first year too? Are you nervous? My mum told me that I can learn to fly.” So Alice did have some magic in her blood, the thought calmed Narcissa, at least she wasn't talking to a muggle-born, that could get her into trouble.
“I'm in my first year too.” Narcissa finished the conversation, and before Alice could protest she closed her eyes and again tried to rest.
There are no more disturbances the rest of the way.