Processing
Regulus told James to look in the little book by his bedside table if he ever disappeared, now no one knew where Regulus Black had gone.
James was left alone, the sun without his stars, without the star that brightens up his day.
The truth is, like on the sky, James and Regulus always seemed close but the truth is they could never have been further apart. The sun and the star always seem so near each other but they’re from different worlds, the star was forced to join the death eaters meanwhile the sun was forced to join Dumbledore.
Now the star is probably dead and James finds himself crying into what used to be Regulus’ pillow, thinking back on his life with Regulus.
That’s when James remembers Regulus telling him this would happen and what to do if it did, James quickly sat up in the bed, clenching onto the pillow and reaching out for the small notebook Regulus would write in every night.
The first page was a poem from
September 1st. 1972, the day Regulus started Hogwarts:
The hat said Slytherin, I felt so proud,
A cheer rose up, so very loud.
Brother in red, but I in green,
The perfect son, the perfect dream.
I’ll make them proud, I’ll do it right,
In Slytherin, I’ll show my might.
No wrong house shame, no family tears,
I’ll be their pride through all the years.
The snakes are cunning, fierce, and sly,
I’ll be the one to reach the sky.
For mother, father, I will shine,
In Slytherin, this place is mine.
Sirius chose his own wrong way,
But I’ll be strong, I’ll never sway.
The perfect son, I’ll always be,
In Slytherin, they’ll look to me.
Fuck, James started tearing up again, his tears falling into the page. He flipped a few pages, skimming through the poems, at least once a month from the day Regulus started Hogwarts. Another poem caught his attention, James started reading one that had the date December 24th. 1973, that was the day Sirius appeared at his house for the first time, crying.
Amidst the grandeur, the chandeliers' light,
A Christmas ball, a cold December night.
In robes of black, with silver and gold,
The Black family stands, traditions bold.
But darkness lurks in family ties,
As Sirius falls, his rebellion rise.
Mother's eyes blaze with furious might,
As Sirius falls, a starless night.
"Toujours pur," she whispers, her voice so cold,
A creed we follow, a story untold.
I stand there silent, my heart in fear,
As Sirius faces her wrath severe.
The Cruciatus curse, a twisted spell,
In agony, Sirius' cries swell.
I watch, I shudder, my spirit breaks,
As mother's fury, my loyalty stakes.
For purity's sake, I bow my head,
In silent agreement, my loyalty spread.
Though Sirius flees, his path unclear,
I'll stay true here, my place is clear.
In the Black family's shadowed embrace,
I'll wear my mask, I'll take my place.
"Toujours pur," our creed we share,
In blood and belief, I'll find my air.
James couldn’t stop reading now, he flipped through the pages and stopped again at another date he could recognise, July 20th 1976, the day Sirius left the Blacks for good and showed up at his door with nothing.
In shadows deep, where secrets lie,
A silent plea, a tear-streaked sky.
The weight of choices, heavy, cruel,
As stars above, in darkness duel.
A plea, a whisper in the night,
To flee this cage, to take to flight.
But bonds of blood, they hold me fast,
As shadows of the past, they last.
A disappointment begs to join,
In freedom's call, a whispered coin.
Yet I, a puppet, strings pulled tight,
In this dark dance, where wrong is right.
Sirius, a rebel, a fleeting spark,
In darkness lost, in shadows stark.
I watch him go, my heart a stone,
In solitude, I stand alone.
Mother's gaze, now cold and keen,
A new heir sought, a twisted dream.
The rules increase, the torture's pain,
In this grim game, there's naught to gain.
Alone I stand, in silent plea,
In shadows deep, where none can see.
A prisoner bound, by blood and name,
In darkness dwells, my silent shame.
The page is filled with tears but James doesn't see this, just sees the pain his Reggie went through that day.
A knock on the door gets James out of his thoughts and he goes to open the door to see none other than Barty Crouch Jr. in his door, eyes red from drinking or crying…or both.
"Crouch?" James’ voice is just above a whisper.
“Potter, can I stay here for a bit? I promised…I promised Reg I would make sure you’re okay if anything like this happened” the man's voice is hoarse and choked with tears, James’ probably is as well.
“Uh, yea…if that’s what…he would want…go ahead. Uhm, want anything? Tea…” James trailed off, breaking down again. Regulus used to love tea.
“It’s fine, Potter. I don't need anything, if I do I know my way around your flat…just, uhm rest? You can talk to me but I won't promise I will be of any help, Reg just didn’t want you alone” Barty said, trying to comfort to the crying man in front of him.
“Okay, can you just tell me something?...about him? Something happy?” James felt stupid asking but he wanted to hear something good about Regulus from someone else.
“Uh, let me think, yea? I don’t think I can handle thinking too much about him right now”
James just nodded and went back to Regulus’ side of the bed, picking the book back up.
He stopped on a poem that looked like a love poem from 1977, the year they got together, this one is from before they got together though.
In whispers soft, in hidden grove,
I steal a glance, I dare to love.
The sun, a beacon, radiant and bright,
In James's smile, my heart takes flight.
A Gryffindor, so bold, so true,
In every laugh, a sky of blue.
Yet I, a shadow in his light,
A secret love, a silent plight.
Oh James, my sun, my guiding star,
Though distance keeps us, near or far.
In dreams, I hold you, close and tight,
In darkness deep, you are my light.
Though worlds apart, our love shall soar,
In whispered wishes, forevermore.
For in your gaze, my soul takes flight,
My sun, my love, my endless night.
James flips the pages to when they were a month into their relationship.
In the amber glow of the morning light,
There dances a sun, so pure, so bright.
James, oh James, my heart's delight,
In your radiance, I find my flight.
Your laughter, a melody, in golden hue,
A beacon of hope, in skies so blue.
With every smile, you paint the day,
In your warmth, my shadows sway.
But hark, my love, in the dusk's embrace,
As shadows lengthen, I find my place.
For in the dark, I must reside,
While you, the sun, in heavens glide.
Yet in the quiet of the night's embrace,
I dream of you, in hidden space.
In whispered words and stolen sighs,
I'll love you still, beneath dark skies.
Though worlds apart, our love shall soar,
In secret whispers, forevermore.
For you're my sun, my guiding light,
In your embrace, my soul takes flight.
Oh god, all James wanted at this moment was for Regulus to hold him and read this to him, read all the poems to him and tell him everything and not keep anything to himself.
James flips through pages, desperately trying to find one that’s not about him, trying to find something that Regulus had written about anything but James or the Black family.
Eventually he found one from 1978.
In shadows deep, where secrets lie,
A chosen family, beneath the sky.
Barty's laughter, like wildfire bright,
Evan and Pandora, in the moon's soft light.
Dorcas, a beacon in the night's embrace,
In her courage, I find my grace.
Through trials dark, they've stood by me,
In whispered vows, our bond set free.
For blood may bind, but hearts entwine,
In the covenant of friendship divine.
In laughter shared and tears shed true,
My chosen family, I see in you.
Through battles fought and scars we bear,
In each other's love, we find repair.
For in this darkness, we're not alone,
In our bond, a light is shone.
So let the shadows dance and play,
In our unity, we'll find our way.
For in their arms, I find my home,
My chosen family, no longer alone.
James stands up, the poem in his mind. He goes to the sitting room and finds Barty, he just hands the book to him, he takes the hint and starts reading. Tears hitting the pages once again.
“I thought you would want to see that…he never…let me read him poems and probably never let you guys either but, I think he would want you to read that one. Did he ask the others to come over as well?” James asked Barty just nodded yes, as he read the poem again and again.
After a bit Barty looked up at James and spoke “mind if we read together, pretty boy? These can’t be easy to read right now” James smiled at the teasing nickname Barty had started calling James when him and Regulus started dating.
“Yes, please. I have been skimming most because the book is filled with them, read some carefully…important ones” James said, taking the book back and flipping through the pages again, finding another one. From Regulus’ final year, the year they were long distance as James had left school the year before.
January 5th 1979.
In the looming shadow of war's cruel might,
Two hearts entwined, in the fading light.
James, my love, across the distant miles,
In your absence, my heart defiles.
The first whispers of war, they call my name,
In darkness deep, I face the same.
Forced to take the mark, a crimson stain,
In silent agony, I bear the pain.
Long-distance lovers, in shadows dwell,
In whispered secrets, we cast our spell.
But as the world around us turns to ash,
Our love, a flame, in darkness flash.
For though our paths diverge, our hearts align,
In the chaos, our love, a sacred sign.
James, my anchor, in storms we brave,
In your love, my soul, I save.
As war's cruel tide engulfs the land,
In your memory, I'll make my stand.
For love, a beacon in darkest night,
In your absence, I'll hold it tight.
James cried as he felt Bartys arms around him for comfort, Bartys tears falling onto James’ shoulder. They just sat there for a bit, Barty holding James while both of them cry, James’ tears falling onto the poem.
“Potter, you should put the book away for now” Barty said. James just shook his head and started flipping through the pages of the book, searching for a fully happy poem “Potter.” James ignored him till Barty took the book and closed it.
"Crouch give it back” James almost cried.
“Later. Regulus told me to make sure if anything happened he wanted me to make sure his wanker of a boyfriend don’t do stupid shit” James said, his tone harsh but slightly worried.
At that moment someone opened the front door, there’s only so many people it can be, now that Regulus is gone it’s cut down to Sirius, Remus, Peter, Marlene, Mary and Pandora.
“Prongs?” It was Sirius’ hoarse voice.
“...Pads?” James cried.
“Alright, mate?” Sirius replied, carefully.
“My boyfriend just fucking died, what do you think?” Sirius finally actually looks at James and sees Barty.
“What is he doing here?” Sirius said, sharply.
“Chill mate, Reggie wanted me to keep an eye on Potter if anything like this happened. Here I am, he knew whatever happened to him would happen. Leave or accept the fact that I’m here, Black.” Barty spat ‘Black’, knowing it’s gonna upset the man in front of him and so it did. Sirius looked at him with anger.
“…it’s Lupin to you Bartemius Crouch” at that Barty let go of the crying James in his arms and jumped on his feet.
“Leave. Get out of my best mates house you fucking git” Barty was still crying.
“It’s James’ and Reggie is still my brother”
“So he’s your brother now that he’s gone?” Barty asked, pulling his wand out and pointing it at Sirius.
James scrambled to his feet, his heart pounding with fear and desperation. "Stop it, both of you!" he pleaded, his voice cracking with emotion. "Regulus wouldn't want this. He wouldn't want us fighting."
But his words fell on deaf ears as the tension in the room thickened, suffocating any semblance of reason or peace. Sirius glared at Barty, his own wand drawn now, ready for a confrontation. "Put that away, Crouch. You don't want to make this any worse than it already is."
Barty's lips twisted into a bitter sneer. "Worse? How could it possibly get any worse, Black? Regulus is dead because of your damn war!"
James stepped between them, his hands outstretched in a feeble attempt to diffuse the situation. "Please, let's not do this. Not now."
But the animosity between Sirius and Barty seemed to have reached a boiling point, fueled by grief, anger, and resentment. They circled each other like predators, their wands at the ready, each daring the other to make the first move.
"Enough!" James shouted, his voice echoing off the walls. "I won't let you fight in Regulus' house. He wouldn't want his memory tarnished by violence."
For a moment, it seemed like his words might have some effect, as both Sirius and Barty hesitated, their gazes flickering with uncertainty. But then, as if by some unspoken agreement, they both lunged forward simultaneously, their wands ablaze with magic.
James could only watch in horror as the room erupted into chaos, spells flying and furniture splintering. He tried to intervene, to stop them, but his efforts were futile against the tidal wave of anger and grief that consumed them both.
And so, as the battle raged on around him, James could do nothing but stand helplessly in the midst of it all, his heart heavy with sorrow and regret. In that moment, he realized that some fights couldn't be stopped, no matter how desperately you wanted them to end.
James broke down on the floor, hoping one of the spells would hit him and kill him.