It's a pain that I caught you at a bad time
"What do you want from me, Agatha?" Rio shouted, tears streaming down her rosy cheeks Agatha always loved.
Like the world fell over her shoulders, leaving her in a field of nothingness. Rio's face showing nothing but hurt and frustration, not to Agatha, no— never to the only woman she ever loved. She was frustrated at herself, for not being able to do anything to save them, to save what could've been them.
The other woman's heart shattered at the sight. She wanted to reach out and wipe the tears away, but she couldn't move, her feet seemingly glued to her spot.
"I'm trying my best to fix us, but everything I do is wrong in your eyes. But I'm trying, Ags," she continued, the nickname slipping out, not going unnoticed by the other woman.
"You've made it clear that you didn't want me! That you didn't want anything to do with me. Hell, you even told me you didn't want to see me anymore— and when I try to move on and force myself to forget about you, suddenly, you pretend that you care!" she screamed.
"I've tried everything to forget about you. I tried weed. I tried to drown myself in alcohol, I even tried drugs— drugs Agatha! I was forced into rehab, all those to forget about you! And when I finally thought I've moved on, you come back and ruin me all over again!"
"You can't do that," she said weakly.
"You can't just waltz back into my life when I've finally made some progress. You can't just waltz back and pretend to care, and when I finally trust you again, you start pushing me away!" "It feels like I'm at the edge of a cliff, you pull me a few steps away from the edge only to keep pushing me until I fall," she whispered.
"I'm so tired. I don't want to do this anymore. Not when I don't even know where I stand with you, or what your intentions are. I've given you time. I've waited so long for you to save me from this hell of a trance. So I want you to decide right now—,"
Rio cut herself off, her voice cracking. "I want you to decide if you want me or not. I need you to get your shit together, if you don't want me, I want you to say it to my face. I need you to let me go, Agatha. I need to move on. I can't be on this void any longer. I can't keep hanging by this thread and wait for it to slowly break. Because this—" she paused, gesturing between her and the latter. "—this is killing me. And it's killing me so painful yet so slow. So please— please decide want you want from me. I don't want to die,"
Rio cried, whispering the last part, raising her white flag, ready to forfeit this battle she had been fighting for nearly a decade. This battle with Agatha, against her own feelings. Silence enveloped the two of them. Rio knew— she knew that she finally lost, completely. She lost the battle she thought she was finally close to winning. Agatha didn't want her. She wanted the attention Rio was giving to her.
And it hurts, it hurts Rio so fucking much, it makes her want to die.
April 2005
"Meet me at our spot. -R"
Agatha smiled, pocketing the small note Rio had stuck in her locker. Agatha and Rio had just started dating. It was a bliss. A seemingly endless happiness.
Every afternoon, after their last class, Rio would be there, under the bleachers, waiting for her love. For Agatha.
Every afternoon, Agatha would bring snacks and DVD's, meeting Rio under the bleachers— their spot.
It had become their routine. Meet up in their spot, then go to Rio's to watch the DVD's Agatha stole from her mother's collection.
That's another thing. Agatha's mother. Evanora Harkness is a bitch. She made Agatha suffer in the worst way possible, every chance she gets. Getting her all stressed up about school. Not letting Agatha go out all 104 days of summer vacation. Agatha hated her.
Agatha walked down the hall to her biology class, eyes wandering, looking for Rio. As if she was watching her, Rio was already smiling at her when Agatha saw the girl. Her brown eyes bright in the soft light in the school's corridor.
Rio, ever the sap, winked at Agatha, making the other woman blush. Mirroring the Rio's expression, Agatha smiled back.
As usual, Agatha went to meet Rio after school, immediately leaning in for a hug. They went straight to Rio's, heading to the garage she renovated into their hang out place.
Agatha was snuggling into Rio's chest, while the other woman gently stroked her hair.
"I really love Jane Smith." Agatha blurted out all of a sudden.
They were watching Mr. and Mrs. Smith, only because they were huge fans of the lead.
"Right. Angelina Jolie is so hot." Rio agreed, momentarily pausing. "Not as hot as you though." She added with a wink, making Agatha roll her eyes on her girlfriend.
"Sap."
"You love it."
"That I do."
"John Smith should go to hell though." Rio added, making Agatha laugh.
"What so you could marry his wife?" Agatha retorted.
"No, Agatha. So we could marry his wife. We'd be a throuple," The other woman added, making her laugh even harder.
Agatha had fallen asleep in Rio's arms, the movie softly playing in the background.
"Oh my God! She really kissed him!" Rio exclaimed, waking Agatha up.
"That's his wife, Rio. Of course, she would kiss him," she answered, a hint of annoyance in her tone.
"Oh. Did I wake you up? I'm sorry, baby. Go back to sleep," she apologized, giving Agatha a light kiss on her forehead. The other woman sighed contently, slowly drifting back to sleep.
"Agatha, dear?" Rio's mom, Camila, called out.
"Oh is she sleeping? Her mother is here."
"I'll wake her up, Ma. She'll be there in a sec." Rio replied with a polite smile.
"Aggie, baby. Your mom is here. She's looking for you."
"Who?" Agatha replied sleepily.
"Your mom. She's here," Rio replied softly.
"What? How did she know I'm here?"
Agatha stood up abruptly, the last remnants of sleep leaving her.
"Hey, calm down."
"No, Rio. You don't understand. She can't know." Agatha reasoned. "Know about what?" Her girlfriend questioned. "This!"
"This what?" Rio asked, her voice raising slightly. "Us, Rio! She can't know about us!" Agatha replied. Rio's face fell. Agatha seemed to notice the way her expression changed.
She walked towards Rio and took her face in her hands.
"I'm sorry okay? Can we talk? Just.... not right now." Agatha said softly.
Rio, ever the understanding one, just nodded and gave Agatha a tight hug, sniffling. Agatha gave her a soft kiss before going out of the garage to face her mother.
"End it." Evanora said, her voice firm and commanding, but all Agatha could think about was Rio, and how broken she looked when she left. Every fiber of her being wanted to go back and explain everything to Rio, wishing the other girl would understand her.
"But-" Agatha started. "No buts, Agatha Harkness. End it, you know the consequences," she replied, turning her back on Agatha. "Mother, please."
"End it, or your little girlfriend will suffer. I can't have a dyke as a daughter." Evanora spat. "Go to your room and pray, Agatha. Pray for forgiveness for your actions."
"I will set up a date for you and partner's son, Ralph. His family is rich, it will be good for the business. You will be thanking me for this in the future."
With that, she turned around and headed to her office.
Agatha went up to her room, taking a pen and a piece of paper. She wrote Rio a letter.
Dearest Rio,
I am sorry, but I must end what we have. My mother found out about us and wanted me to end it. I love you, my Rio. But I don't think that love is enough for me to risk it all. What we had is real. I know it's very selfish of me to say this, but I hope you remember me in the things that I loved. I want you to know that it is not your fault, she would have found out about us one way or another. I guess some things are just not meant for us. I am sorry for keeping you and what we had a secret. I love you so, so much, and I always will. But this is not what you deserve. You deserve someone that can love you the way you love them. I will forever yearn for you, your touch, your voice, and everything we used to be.
Had I known that this afternoon was our last moment together, I would have hugged to tighter, kissed you harder.
As much as this hurts me, good things must come to an end. I knew what we had is too good to last, anyway. I'll have you know that I will spend my last days loving only you, waiting for the time when my eyes finally meet yours once again.
Goodbye, Rio. I promise to look for you in every lifetime, looking for one where I can love you the loudest. I love you, I’m sorry.
Forever Yours,
Agatha.
Agatha fold the letter neatly, carefully slipping it into an envelop. She gave the back a kiss, her lipstick leaving a stain. She spent the whole night crying, silently talking to a God she didn't even know if she believed in.
She whispered the words: I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry over and over like a mantra, wishing—hoping, that Rio would understand her.
The next morning, Agatha woke up with her eyes bloodshot red and swollen. She didn't even remember falling asleep, she just remembered crying about Rio.
Right, Rio.
She quickly got up to get ready, not even bothering to eat breakfast, heading straight to school. She prayed that she doesn't bump into Rio, but that was inevitable. Rio always waited for Agatha in the mornings, especially when she knew something was wrong.
As Agatha had expected, Rio stood there, her eyes catching Agatha's. She immediately noticed the way Rio's eyes were red, maybe from crying. The other girl was already in the brink of bursting into tears when she left.
Rio ran to Agatha, hugging her. Agatha, out of instinct, and the longing she felt for Rio, wrapped her arms around the other girl. She bit her lips, trying to prevent the tears from falling.
"Are you okay?" Rio asked. Her voice was so soft it hurts Agatha, knowing this is probably the last time she gets to hear it again. Not trusting herself to speak, Agatha just nodded, taking the note out of her pocket.
"What's this?"
"Open it later," she managed to choke out.
Agatha leaned in to hug Rio once again, this time a lot tighter.
"I'm sorry, Rio. I love you so much." Agatha had whispered into Rio's ears. Rio's body stiffened, like she knew what was coming, not wanting to ask why but doing it anyways.
"For what?"
Agatha just shook her head, kissing the crook of Rio's neck before pulling away. Turning her back to Rio and walking away. She looked back though. She saw Rio's confused expression shift into a broken one, Rio was reading her letter.
Once again, the words: I'm sorry started ringing in her ears, only this time, there was a little voice in the back of her head blaming her for the agonizing pain Rio is feeling.
Agatha had felt like her heart was breaking into thousands of pieces. She knew that she broke Rio's heart so badly there was no way she could ever put it back together, and Agatha will forever hate herself so much for giving Rio that type of pain when the only thing Rio gave to her is love.
"Agatha, can we talk?" Rio pleaded, grabbing Agatha's wrist. The other woman swatted her hand away and started walking faster. "Agatha, please."
"Rio, please stop." Agatha finally replied, turning to face Rio.
"Please, Agatha. We can face this together."
"No, Rio. We can't. You don't know my mother." Agatha turned around, about to take a step when Rio grabbed her wrist once again. She took a deep breath. Agatha knew what she had to do.
"Look, Rio. I thought you already got the hint." She paused. "What's written in that letter," she pointed to Rio's hands, clutching the letter. "Those are just excuses. I never loved you, okay? I was just curious, so you could say that I used you. I am sorry that you feel that way, but I am not sorry for what I have done. Being with you made me realize that I was not meant for women."
"I was just confused, Rio. And you seemed easy enough to approach, so I used you." Agatha said coldly.
"What?"
"Did you not hear what I said?"
"You don't mean that." Rio replied, her voice cracking.
"I do. So please, leave me alone. I am done with you. My mother was right, this—" she gestured between them, "—was just a phase."
Agatha's heart clenched, seeing Rio look so broken. But she had to do this. She knew the only way to make Rio stop hurting is to replace the pain with hate.
Rio's expression changed.
"How could you do this?" Rio asked, her eyes filled with hurt.
Agatha, not trusting herself to speak, just stared at Rio, biting the inside of her cheek to prevent the tears from falling. Rio have had enough.
"Fuck you, Agatha. I wish I never met you." Rio spat, turning around, running away from her.
Agatha knew that Rio will never look at her the same again. But she did this for her.
Just like what she said, Evanora had forced Agatha to date Ralph. The boy was enjoying way too much, and as for Agatha, she made sure to latch into Ralph's arm like a snake, especially when they are walking near Rio. She needed to make RIo hate her more, it was the only way the other woman will move on.
A few months later, they finally graduated. Agatha never heard of Rio again.