October 31st 1981
The door had broken off its hinges, the smell of smoke lingered in the air, and the roof had caved in.
He knew at that moment that this was the end. Whether Voldemort had been defeated or not this was the end for him; he had reached his limit.
Because how could he ever live without James? It was such a foreign concept to him that he hadn’t even registered that he was fully gone, that there was no more James Potter in this world, gone, deceased, dead. But alas, here he was lying on the top of the stairs, the dead body of his best friend, his brother, the person who got him through anything and everything, the sparkle in his eyes that had shone every day- gone, the star had lost the light that had kept him burning.
Trying to walk past the lifeless body of the rock he had relied on for so many years, Sirius broke down. He broke down into uncontrollable sobs, having to steady himself on the bannister of the stairs next to the lifeless frame of his brother. “James,” he whispered in between sobs, “James, I’m so sorry. I'm sorry, I’m sorry. I should have figured it out sooner, I’m so sorry.” he grabbed the now stiff, cold hand of James Potter and whispered through the tears streaming down his face. Gently, he shut the hazel eyes of his best friend and sat there as he let the grief overwhelm his body and take over.
Eventually, he stood up and walked to the room where he found Lily Evans Potter’s still uninhabited body. Her fiery hair was strung out across the carpet floor of her son's room, her eyes were glassy with tears that hadn’t been let out, gently Sirius shut her bright green eyes and as he did so, a tear gently streamed down her face, the look of sadness on her once spirited face was enough to make Sirius start to cry again until he heard the whine and cry of his godson. He wiped his own tears before attending to Harry. “Hey little man, do you remember me? Your Uncle Paddy? Yes, I know it’s been a long time,” gently Sirius lifted Harry out of his cot and began rocking him back to sleep, he didn’t need to see any more of this. “Yes, I know it’s sad. It’s very sad, trust me I know” he whispered soothingly, “But mummy and daddy are in another place now, far away.”
People usually say that loved ones are in a better place once they die, but Sirius didn’t believe that. How could James and Lily be in a better place when the best place for them was here? Here. With Sirius, Remus, Mary, and most of all Harry. How could Sirius possibly tell his godson that his parents, who loved him so, were in a better place when he knew that the place they were in was most certainly not here?
“It’s okay Harry, I miss them too.” slowly Sirius moved Harry’s hair off of his forehead, which revealed a large scar in the shape of a lightning bolt. “Oh, little prongs,” he said solemnly, “I’m so sorry that this happened to you, I wish I could change it, I wish I could.” A spurge of anger flooded Sirius' body, “When I get my hands on that little rat, I’ll-” he stopped himself, this wasn’t the sort of conversation to be having with a half-asleep one-year-old, he had to get out of that house and find his way back to Remus.
Surely, Remus would know what to do. Remus was the smartest person he knew, he and Lily always knew what to do, they were the sensible ones when he and James were up to no good. Who was going to control his and James’ antics now? Remus can’t do it by himself, James and he were a pair of troublemakers, and Remus would just get roped in, realisation hit him like a truck to the head. There was no more James. Not anymore anyway.
Godric, he had to get out of this house. Covering Harry’s eyes as he walked past James again, Sirius took one long last look at his brother before leaving the house for good.
He walked down the dimly lit streets of the small town he never got to know, yet the things he had seen today would forever be engraved in his memories.
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Apparating back to his and Remus’ small flat in London, Sirius felt numb- the only thing getting him through was the small baby in his arms. Landing roughly outside his door, Sirius banged on the door as loud as he could praying that it would wake Remus up. The door started to unlock and Remus stood there with a stunned expression on his face.
“Sirius?!” Remus questioned, “What are you doing here? I haven’t seen you in days! Why have you got Harry? Where are James and Lily?!”
“Remus…” Sirius choked out with a sob walking into their flat and sitting down on their couch, Harry asleep in his arms, “ They’re dead, they’re dead and it’s all my fault! I was supposed to be the secret keeper, it was supposed to be me! If I had just done my duty they would still be here and Harry would still have his parents and we could live a normal life, but instead, our best friends are dead and Remus I don’t know what to do!”
“What do you mean they’re dead?!” Remus asks, tears forming in his eyes. “Sirius. What do you mean they are dead?!” he questions again with even more urgency.
“I mean that our best friend is lying dead on the stairs of his house with our other best friend lying mere metres away in a room dead in front of her son! They are dead and it’s all my fault!” Sirius exclaims struggling to catch his breath. Sirius breaks, he sobs for the loss of his friends, for the pain that this will cause Mary- she barely survived Marlene and Dorcas’ death how could she endure this? Remus is just standing in front of him looking confused with his own emotions, he runs his hands through his mousy brown hair looking like he wants to cry with Sirius but realising that Harry is still in the room, asleep, blissfully unaware of what has happened to parents.
Finally, after what feels like years, Remus speaks “Who-who killed them? If you weren’t the secret keeper then who was?”
“Wormtail,” Sirius says the nickname that he had once said lovingly now tasted bitter on his tongue. “It was Peter, he’s the traitor.”
“Peter?! But Peter loved James, he- he loved Harry! Why would he betray them?!” Remus asks with exasperation.
“Your guess is as good as mine, but listen Remus we have to leave- we have to get out of here, no one knows that Peter was the secret keeper and so when the Aurors inevitably find Lily and James, they’re going to think it was me. They won’t give me a fair trial- they all still see me as the Black heir for God’s sake! Especially since Reg is dead! I’ll end up in Azkaban! Please, Remus, come with me.” Sirius knows that if Remus says no, if he chooses to stay here in London, Sirius could find a way to live with it, he was already engulfed by grief, and Sirius didn’t know if his body could take in any more.
“Okay.” Remus says with a sharp nod, “Okay, we’ll leave. But someone should call Mary first, she should hear from a friend not an auror with no tact. You pack some bags- make sure Harry has enough- I’ll ring Mary.” Remus turns away wiping his tears as he goes.
Moving swiftly into their bedroom, Sirius doesn’t even take in the fact that they’ll probably never live here again- that this is the last time they’ll see the place where so many memories were made, memories that will fade with time.
Shoving all necessary items into bags Sirius prepares himself for the life he is now going to lead, living in hiding for years, moving constantly to avoid the threat of Aurors. Placing the final item into the bag, he hears Remus shout “Sirius! We need to go now! I’m pretty sure Moody just apparated outside the flat.” Scrambling all the bags into his hands, Sirius bolts out of their bedroom, leaving behind the last two years of memories and reaches Remus who has Harry wrapped up in his arms.
“Ready” Sirius asks.
“No. But what choice do we have?” Remus replies still affected by his phone call with Mary.
“Hold my hand, I’ll apparate.” Remus grips Sirius’ hand as if it’s his lifeline. Sirius knows that with all the uncertainty that comes with being at war, Remus is the one thing he can count on to stay the same.
Taking a deep breath, Sirius apparates out of his flat hand-in-hand with the love of his life and his best friend's child, unsure as to what the future holds and unsure as to whether he’s even ready for it.