Izar was feeling like shit. Now, this was not something new, they'd been feeling like this for years but these last months were the exact definition of hell. They just wanted to disappear, to crawl out of their skin and be someone else, at least for a few hours because they were so exhausted, why to them? Why them and not someone else?
It all started when they were eleven, the first day of their first year at Hogwarts to be precise. They remember being so excited to go to the new school and finally visit the place their dads and family always talked about. But all that excitement turned into dread when the dorms were assigned, Izar ended up the boy's dorm. They remember being confused, thinking that they weren't a boy or didn't feel like one at least but they certainly weren't a girl either, it felt as if they were somewhere in-between that but no one else seemed to have this problem so they didn't question it, maybe it was just normal , something everyone went through. The years passed by, the strange feeling always in the back of their mind but not really affecting them in a way that ruined their whole day or week but then there was the growing up, Izar's voice changed, girls and boys started to look at them differently, hair was growing in all the wrong places and there was no way to stop it. They never talked about this to anyone because it didn't feel normal, Izar didn't need anyone telling them how contradistinctive their feelings were in comparision to any teenager out there and even if they were to talk about it was so hard to explain, they couldn't put into words the mayhem their head was. At most times it didn't even make sense to them and they certainly didn't expect anyone else to understand.
The summer they were fourteen, Izar was navigating the internet when they came across this site that talked about gender and what the term 'non-binary' meant. They'd come across the term before and had the general idea of what it meant but they didn't have the courage to look deeper into it until that moment. Izar remembers regretting the decision immediately; the information was so overwhelming, so personal that when they were towards the end of the site, their breath was heavy and felt their heart going faster by the second. But by the end they had more answers than questions.
It was in the next few months that they started to come to terms with the fact that they were non-binary and went by they/them pronouns. Izar learned that conciliating with your gender identity was a relief but it didn’t make it easy whatsoever. They weren't ready to tell anyone yet, not even their dads or their sister who were the people they loved the most on this planet. It wasn't their reaction that scared them but the fear of disappointing them, because in their eyes they had a son or a brother, always calling them that and everytime Izar imagined going to their family to tell them the truth they felt sick to their stomach and had to go outside to have some fresh air because suddendly everything felt too tight.
The first person they ever came out to was Harry, during Izar's fourth year and Harry's fifth. Izar had been acting hostilely all year long and of course Harry noticed. So one day they were in the astronomy tower talking about everything and anything together when Harry finally asked them what was wrong and since they'd never been good at lying the truth spilled out of them without being able to stop. Of course Harry understood and supported them, he was Harry after all. But still, Izar didn't feel ready to tell other people yet even though Harry reassured them several times that no matter what, their family would always love them and there was no way on earth they could be disappointed in Izar.
Now, they were sixteen, it was summer and definitely the worst year of Izar's life so far. They felt more dysphoric by the second, their family didn't know yet and every time someone referred to them with he/him pronouns or masculine terms was like a stab straight to the chest. They were always angry, always snapping at someone, always getting annoyed by the smallest things; it was consuming, overwhelming, they were so filled with rage towards themself and unable to control it.
One day, they were listening to music in their room and drawing some senseless sketches trying to distract themself from thinking and inevitably going into a spiral when their sister came in.
"Knock, knock," Lyra shouted over the loud music and opened the door before Izar even replied.
She was already on her way to lie on Izar's bed when they replied sarcastically, "sure, sure come on in, this is basically your room after all."
"Ha, ha, really funny, you truly have an amazing sense of humor Iz," she deadpanned, "I haven't been here in like forever and I just wanted to come and spend some time with you."
"Okay?" Izar snickered turning around quickly to catch a glance of their sister who was now lying on the bed leaning on her elbow. She rolled her eyes at Izar's tone, "you just came back from the Potter's?" Izar asked.
"Yeah, they asked about you, it's been a while since you went, I just said you were taking a nap and I didn't want to wake you up."
Izar sighed, they knew everyone was worried about them and their sudden demeanor of distancing themself from everyone and everything, "thanks." They needed to avoid the question that was coming next so they just interrumpted Lyra, "how's Alya?"
Lyra blushed lightly, "good? Why do you ask?"
Izar turned around again to be face to face with their sister, "come on Lyra you're both infatuated with each other, don't lie to me."
"Nah, come on, Iz stop talking nonsense. Maybe , just maybe I am but she's most certainly not..." She sat back up, "and I didn't come here to talk about who I have a crush on with you, anyways." She snorted.
Izar turned back to the sketches before answering, they knew where this conversation was going and didn't like it one bit, "Well, enlighten me, why are you here for?"
Lyra groaned, "come on Iz, lose that sarcastic tone I'm trying to have a genuine conversation with you."
"Merlin, Lyra you sound like Pa' and Dad."
"Whatever," she sighed, "I just came here because I feel like we've been so distant lately and I know we fight sometimes and everything but I kinda hate it that we're so far away. I barely know what's going on with you, you've been so angry and snapping all the time for no apparent reason and I guess I just miss you, that's all."
Izar was on his desk, with their back to where Lyra was but they literally see her expression even without even gacing at her. They could sense how she was probably just starring at her hands on her lap with furrowed eyebrows and pricking her thumb, something she alwayd did when she was anxious. Izar hated that they were causing such feelings on their little sister but they couldn't bring themself to explain, to say sorry because it seemed impossible to control all the rage within them and what's the point of asking sorry when you know that you'll probably distance youself again or you'll snap again for a stupid reason?
"I'm right here?" Izar chuckled turning around trying to defuse the tension in the room, because Lyra was right, they were more distant that ever.
"Come one, Izar you know I didn't mean that." She sighed shaking her head.
"Then what did you mean?" Lyra started to talk but Izar interrumpted her, "no, no let me talk, we live together, we see each other every morning we joke together and I'm sorry I haven't been the nicest person to be around lately, I'm sorry I'm not all sunshine and rainbow all the time. I know I've distanced myself from you, Pa and Dad and fucking everyone, I know I'm not the best person to be around right now and I'm sorry, I really am but I'm just not going through something pretty lately and it's not your fault or anyone else's and I also know my attitude towars you all has not been fair but please don't come in here asking for something I can't give you right now." Izar was so angry all of the sudden, they just wanted to be left alone but no one seemed to understand something so simple.
"Then talk to me, to us," Lyra said getting up from the bed, "I see that you're going through something, I'm not blind, I know you, I'm your sister so don't ask me to sit and do nothing as I see you uselessly drowning in a glass of water. There are people who love you Iz, who are willing to listen to you, no matter what but you don't seem to understand that."
"But turns out it is not that easy!" Izar said mockingly as they got up too. Now they were stading in front of their sister, "It's easier said than done, you don't even know what this is all about and here you are telling me that I don't understand, that I'm drowning in a glass of bloody water? You've never had a problem in your entire lifetime and it shows!" Izar shouted, unable to stop. They wanted to close their mouth shut, to stop talking before they say something they most definetely will regret but they can't. They just want to be left alone, in their own misery 'cause maybe that's exactly what they deserve for their behaviour.
"Oh fuck you, Izar. Fuck you for saying that, really. I'm just trying to make you realise that you don't have to be the martyr, you don't have to suffer in silence and make Pa or Dad feel bad by making them feel like they did something wrong or like they failed at building a loving and safe relationship with us. Something that you and I know that couldn't be further from the truth,"
Izar wanted to cover their ears, they didn't want to hear this mostly because they knew their sister was right, she was always right. But no matter what, she kept going.
"I just wanted to come here and talk to you because I care about you and I don't like to see how you're hurting, but all you fucking do is shout and build walls around you that it's only worse because you don't know how fucking hard they are to tear down." Lyras was so angry, her face was red and her arms were crossed across her chest so tightly that Izar could see the tension all over her arm muscles.
"Then leave! If you know me so fucking well then fucking leave!" Izar shouted so loudly that their Dads were probably already on their way up. "Just leave me and let me drown in the fucking glass of water you mentioned, I'll go through this alone just like I have for my whole fucking life."
"Then fucking go through it alone if you want, I don't care anymore." Lyra said as she left the room, slamming the door shut.
As soon as Lyra shut the door they heard voices right outside their room, Izar was right, their Dads had come right up when the shouting started. "Lyra? Lyra what happened?" Sirius asked earnestly.
"Nothing, just that you can't have a bloody conversation with him without being shouted at." She replied loud enough for Izar to hear and then she walked down the stairs.
It was just a few secons after Lyra left when Remus and Sirius opened the door with nothing but confusion behind their eyes, "care to explain what that was all about?" Remus asked.
"Oh just your daughter that has fake presumptions and perspectives as always, so nothing fucking new!" Izar shouted sitting down on their bed and running a hand through their hair.
"Izar!" Said Sirius firmly, "no shouting in the house or to anyone at all, you know it. You can take that and your attitude outside because none of us are your trash cans where you can just throw shit at. You are my son and everything you want but I will not allow it."
And there it was again, that word, son, they hated it so much, couldn't they see? Couldn't they notice the way Izar flinched everytime thet used that word? They just wanted someone to read their mind, wasn't that possible? They just needed someone to help them and everything would be over, all of it. Izar ran a hand through their face, covering it and whispered just loud enough for their parents to hear, "I know, I'm sorry I shouted, Pa'."
"We don't know what's going on with you and I think we've made you understand a handful amount of times that we're here for you but wether or not you decide to communicate with us doesn't mean we should tolerate your mood swings or all hat rage within you, understand?" Remus said unwaveringly.
"Yes, I said I'm sorry," Izar said swallowing the lump past their throat and with voice thick with tears, "can I just be left alone? Please?"
They didn't have the guts to look up to their parents but Izar knew they were starring at each other having somewhat of a telepatical conversation, wich they did most of the time. After Izar was finally alone is when they broke down crying, unable to stop, regretting every single things they said to Lyra or Remus or Sirius. It was't fair with none of them and Merlin, Izar hated themself so much for it, hated very corner of their mind and every inch of their body.
After that night Izar decided to apologise, to everyone and try to do better but now they were in an even worse mental space they were before and had a constant lump in their throat and their eyes would fill with tears over the tiniest things. Their dads had a conversation with them a few nights ago when they'd found them crying in the garden. Sirius came first, Izar tried to dry their tears quickly and pretend that everything was fine but it was all in vain when their dad just sat in front of them, staring at them with sad eyes and without asking questions he just whispered a quiet 'c'mere' and Izar broke down in their dad's embrace feeling like a little kid again. A few minutes later, Remus came out the garden too and just like Sirius did, he just sat beside them running a hand up and down their back and drying their tears. Thank Merlin their sister wasn't here, Izar couldn't handle their whole family worrying from seeing them in these conditions.
"I know you're not ready to talk about it yet," Sirius started, "and you're probably also know this but we're here for you, always have and always will. We see you fighting a silent battle but know that you don't have to do it alone, don't keep it all in, it's no use, don't let it control you and most importantly don't let it define who you are.You are our kid, our Izar and there's no changing that, not ever. You've always been afraid of disappointing the people you love and I can see that it's one of the main things on your mind, not only because I was sixteen once too and you remind me so much of my teenage self but mostly because I know you, Izar, better than the palm of my own hand. You don't have to hide, especially not from us." Their Pa' concluded and felt as if someone was ripping them open and healing them with gentle words and hands that were holding their own gently.
"I'm sorry," was the first thing they said, managing to look both their dads in the eyes, "I'm sorry I shouted the other day, I know you guys hate it, I'm sorry for the way I've been acting lately, It's not fair to you or anyone but I don't know what to do..." They sobbed leaning to Remus' shoulder who was whispering quiet reassuring words and holding them, like he always had. After some time they'd calmed down and tried to talk again, "I'm not ready to talk about it, yes, but I promise you it's not your fault or anyone's. It's just something going on inside me and it's ripping me apart," they said, clenching their fist right over their chest trying to take some of the pain away, "I feel it too strongly, I feel it in every inch of me and sometimes I just want it to stop. I want to feel nothing, numb."
"Listen to me, Iz," Remus answered, taking their fist and placing it on his lap, "if there is pain, nurse it. Don't be brutal with it. We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster, that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty. But to make yourself feel nothing so as not to feel anything? What a waste. Don't push it away, don't ignore it, let it out. Scream, cry, whatever, but just know that keeping it can turn it into something much uglier, much stronger. As your Pa' said, don't let it define who you are and if you ever need someone to remind you who you are, to remind you of all the good things, there are people who won't hesitate to do so because they love you, kid."
After that, they couldn't help but keep crying for what it felt like hours and their dads never once left their side. By the time the tears stopped they felt so much lighter, something inside them had healed but they weren't ready just yet. They would talk with their family about their gender eventually, soon, just not yet.
The two weeks after that were the plain definition of the calm before the storm. They were feeling happier than they'd felt in months and were learning to appreciate the little things a bit more, not letting their rage towards themself define who they were or their actions. The second week of August was when everything started to go downhill for them. They were waking up everyday feeling awful for no apparent reason, the sight of them in the mirror made them want to go back to their bed curling up in a ball and not exist. The Potters had invited them and Lyra to a sleepover at their house, alongside Neville, Luna, Venus and Achilles but Izar had stayed behind lying about being sick because they couldn't physically handle any kind of social interaction feeling like this. Their parents had noticed this sudden change of behaviour in them but didn't really force them to talk about it. They were just constantly around Izar, and they couldn't be more grateful about that little gesture because they needed it.
The morning of the day Lyra was supposed to come back they were in front of their bathroom mirror staring at themself and hanging onto the sink for dear life until they couldn’t feel their fingers. Izar hated looking at themself on the mirror but they weren't able to just walk away, it was as if someone was forcing them to stare at their reflection to feel all the hatred and rage towards themselves through every inch of their skin. “Fuck. Fuck, fuck fuckfuckfuckfuck-“ Izar was hyperventilating now, gripping their hair trying to stop all these intrusive thoughts and feelings. But the effort was in vain because everything felt too loud, too bright, the mirror wasn’t helping and as if they weren’t in control of themself they punched the mirror several times and watched as it broke into tiny pieces, watched as their knuckles started to turn red and leak blood that was becoming more by the second.
“Izar!? Izar, are you okay up there!?” It was Sirius’ voice screaming from downstairs.
“Shit.” They whispered they couldn’t let their dads see this or their condition because that would lead to questions and they weren't ready yet, they just couldn't. Izar had to lock the door. With their good hand they rushed to lock it, maybe not the wisest decision but they would think about that later. Right now they just needed to fix this, somehow, needed to stop the bleeding and think of any believable excuse. As soon as they locked the door, Izar heard Sirius coming into the room and straight to the bathroom. “Izar? Izar, are you okay in there?” He asked, knocking “Can you open the door please?” Knock, knock, knock, so much knocking.
They were barely breathing at this point, their fist pulsating with pain and blood, they could feel tears forming rapidly in their eyes and their throat was completely closed, unable to form any kind of sound. How did they end up like this? How did they let all of this go this far? And as if things couldn’t get worse they heard Remus coming in and whispering loud enough for Izar to hear, “what is it? What happened?”
“I don’t know, Izar won’t answer me.” Sirius’s voice was thick with worry and they couldn’t bear it but their body chose to freeze completely.
They heard Remus sigh before he asked, “Izar, love, I need you to answer and open the door, yes?” He was talking in such a soft voice it made them want to cry even more. All these years being scared of disappointing them and it was just what they were doing right now.
“I-I can’t- I-“
“It’s okay, no need to explain now I just need you to open the door for us, okay?” Sirius said.
They looked around the mess that the bathroom was now, glass everywhere with drops of blood on the floor and the sink. They wanted to hide away and never come out, they didn't want their dads to see this but like they said once, Izar couldn't fight this battle alone, couldn't do it by themself, and there was nothing they wanted more right now than to fall apart into their parents' embrace and let them hold them like a little kid again. After a few seconds, they managed to unlock the door but didn’t have the strength to open it.
“Okay we’re coming in," Sirius said as he turned the door's handle. Seeing the faces of their dads sick with worry was what did it for them, they broke down, a sobbing and hyperventilating mess. Sirius hugged them and started whispering reassuring words into their ear as he led them to the living room. After a few minutes or hours -they couldn’t really tell - Izar started to calm down and realized that somewhere in between the time they were here Remus went to find the first aid kit for their hand.
“We don’t need an explanation right now, love, I just need you to give me your hand so I can clean it before using any spells, okay?” Remus said and just the sight of their hand was what made them start hyperventilating all over again.
“Hey, hey, just look at me Iz, yeah?" Sirius whispered, grabbing them gently by the chin so they were staring at their dad and nothing else, "it’ll be over soon just come here.” He pulled them towards his chest and it was like being five years old all over again.
Once their hand was healed and wrapped came the silence, so loud they wanted to cover their ears such as not to hear it, because there was only one thing left: the questions. Izar was dreading this moment but there was no way on earth their parents would just let them go on without an explanation for what happened.
“What happened?” Remus finally asked, he wasn't angry, he never was. His tone was confused, hurt. Izar was so ashamed of causing such a feeling in their dad, they wanted to give them the explanation they deserved but when they tried to open their mouth no sound came out.
“It’s okay, would it be better if we asked you yes or no questions?” Remus asked.
They nodded, it was all they could do, nod.
“Did you do it on purpose? Did you hurt yourself on purpose, Izar?”
“No, no, no no no I swear it wasn’t, I didn’t mean to- I didn’t-“ Izar said panicking.
“Woah, hey slow down we believe you, it was-“ Sirius replied.
“Wait, wait let me- let me explain,” somehow they had managed to gather the bravery to speak. Izar understood that they owed this to their dads, they deserved to get to know this part of themself and as people had been reassuring them their whole life, Izar wasn't going to disappoint them. If they couldn't trust their dads, who could they trust at all? Taking a deep breath and drying their cheeks, Izar spoke “I- I am non-binary and I go by they/them pronouns,” they really couldn’t bring themselves to see either of their dads in the eyes as he continued, “And I'm sorry I didn't tell you before, I was still figuring this whole thing out and I didn't want to disappoint anyone," they started to cry again, "you think you have a son and I don't want to take that away but it's just not who I am, I've never been and I'm sorry, so, so, so sorry..." They trailed off covering their face with both their hands trying to control the stream of tears running down their face.
“Oh kid, hey it’s okay, you’re safe. Shh c'mere, you're okay, thank you for telling us.” Sirius was holding him, always holding him no matter what.
"There is nothing to be sorry for, not now, not ever. You’re still our kid, our Izar- Is it okay to use the name Izar, yeah?” Remus asked.
They let out a wet laugh at this, after all this, their dad was worried about their name, if they were still comfortable with it. This made him want to cry even more, “oh, yeah, um yeah, Izar’s still okay, always.”
“Well, you’re still our Izar and nothing will ever change that, and me, your dad, your sister, and everyone will respect however you identify yourself yeah? We didn't have a son, we just had you and that's all we need. You.”
That made them sob even harder, Merlin. They were so tired of it but they couldn't help but notice the difference. These were tears of relief, an insane amount of weight was lifted from their shoulders and they could finally breathe again.
“You’re safe, love, you’ll always be, thank you for telling us,” Sirius said as he and Remus wrapped them into a hug and the only thing they could think about was that they were safe and it was going to be okay.
They were safe.