Harry’s Patronus changed. For the first year after the war he never saw his stag. By year two he was too scared to do it. By year three he missed his stag like an old friend. By year four he thought the war was over, what was the need for the Patronus charm in his arsenal anyway? He still missed his stag, but he could always use an owl, and no one was trying to kill him. Harry wouldn’t know by years five to eight after the war he’d never see his stag again. He thinks that if he knew that he might have plucked up that Gryffindor courage to say that incantation again. In reality, it would take eleven years to see his Patronus again.
When Draco asks him if he can teach him the Patronus charm Harry goes silent. “I can't,” he says, he won’t, he thinks. His hands clench hard against his wand.
“You can’t?” Draco asks, he says it in a way that used to always make Harry mad, when they were still trying to be kind to one another, because cruelty was so easy than being kind.
“Harry.” Draco says after a while, because Draco gives him that time to be quiet. To shut down, but like a hand feeling for Harry in the dark he brings him back.
“I'm scared, okay?” he wants to bite, don’t be mean about it. But he knows that Draco wouldn’t. Draco is mean, and most of the time unkind, but never with Harry.
It's Draco's turn to be quiet now. And then he closes the gap, grabs Harry’s wand from him and holds it on his own. He stares down at it for so long before handing it back to Harry.
“Let's learn to do it together then. If we can’t produce the charm then it’s not the end of the world.”
Harry used to be proud to be able to form the Patronus charm. People used to say a lot of things about Harry, but they could never doubt that he was so young when he performed the charm. They would say it in the same kind of voice that they said Hermione was the brightest witch of their age. It made him feel important, it made him feel like it was actually something he earned.
“I don’t want to sound dramatic, but it might be for me.”
Draco moves his back against the wall and Harry watches him stare at the garden. A garden that Harry took time to take care of. “Okay. Why?”
Harry used to get mad at that too, but mostly, he got mad at the fact that Draco made him acknowledge his pain. To take ownership of it.
“I taught it once, in school. The DA, you know.” Harry says.
Draco nods. “I assumed.”
Harry snorts. “Prat.” but then he’s sighing again, raking a hand through his hair. “After the war, those first couple of years I was scared that maybe I wouldn’t be able to do it anymore. And honestly? I think I was right. If I had tried to do then I wouldn’t have been able to, and I think it would have put me even lower than what I already was. So I avoided it. And no one asked because I think that they knew that too. I was a ticking time bomb the first couple of years.”
“Mmm, yes I do remember. You were a bit of a tart, Potter.” Draco says Potter with that little smirk that riles Harry up, saying his last name like it’s a dirty word and Harry reaches over to pinch his side.
“I think it’s a true testament of how much we’ve changed because I think I would have immediately gone for the jugular.” Harry smiles, his finger no longer pinching Draco’s side but now finding his way under his shirt on the small of his back. Draco moves closer because he knows that touch grounds him.
“We were cruel to each other.” Draco says with a nod. “But I see you trying to distract me. Go on.”
Harry sighs, “Then after a while I just decided what was the point of doing it since my life is no longer in danger. I didn’t end up being an Auror, I just work with plants.”
“I have to say Harry, it’s a bit cowardly.” Draco says this while resting his head against Harry’s shoulder. “So let’s talk about it. Break it down what happens if you can’t perform a Patronus anymore. Realistically what will happen?” God, Harry thinks, he’s so much like Hermione, he can’t help but smile.
“I’ll be sad?” Harry offers. Draco snorts and nods his head for him to continue. “It’s a good charm to have in case of emergencies? It used to be the only bit of magic that I thought I was good at?”
“You’re such a martyr. I know you can’t help but have a bleeding heart but for fucksake, you’re Harry Potter, and yes, I know you hate when people say it like that but you’re powerful in your own right, so people are not wrong. I get why you hate it, and I know the public was disappointed that you ended up opening a plant shop with Neville but who gives a fuck? You know what I think is impressive? Your wards. I know you said you got good at them for being on the run but they’re pretty incredible. I think you would have been good at Cursing Breaking but I know why you didn’t want to do it, but they’re so intricate and complicated and I can feel them standing in the backyard when I go to water all your bloody plants.”
Draco is gearing up now and Harry knows it’s best if he just doesn’t talk. “I think your problem, Potter, is that you see things in such black and white lenses, because that’s what you grew up in, but being able to cast a Patronus charm doesn’t define you. Just like that scar you cover up.” Draco reaches out this time to move a little bit of the hair back and his thumb brushes it.
This time Draco moves in front of Harry and holds Harry’s face in his hands. “I wish I could have seen your stag, I’m sure it was very beautiful, but we can come back to this when you’re ready.”
Harry looks him in the eyes, when they first started up this thing between them they never had the softness that they do now. “Give me another year.” Harry says quietly.
“Okay.” Draco presses a kiss to his scar before going back to the house.
In the end it would take two years.
***
In the two years they’d talk about it in passing. Harry thought it was unfair of him to not teach Draco, but Draco would say he’s gone this many years without having one that he didn’t care. Then he would look at Harry and say it again. Draco might have told a lot of lies before, but Harry knew that this wasn’t one.
When Hermione gets wind of these conversations she sits with Harry in her back garden that he was trying to fix with Neville. In law perks, Hermione used to say, now that Ginny and Neville were married, and she’d smile at Harry because he would always be a brother to Ron.
More like free labor, Neville would huff with a smile, looking at Harry.
Harry wouldn’t realize until much later just how much good things he stored within himself that he could use for his Patronus. And he knew that in his heart of hearts, that it had to be a strong memory, it’s one of the first things that’s taught when learning a Patronus, but then he thinks, people don’t seem to understand that Harry felt those small good things so much.
Later that night, on Hermione’s porch, it’s just the two of them, ( while Ron and Draco competitively teach little Rose how to play chess ), she rests her head against Harry’s shoulder and says, “Can I tell you a secret?”
“Always.”
“I really hate when people say that I’m the brightest witch of our age. I know it’s a compliment, and it means well, but I find it incredibly demeaning. People say it all the time at those stupid Galas I go to with Ron. I find myself holding my tongue to say that I’m only here because of Ron, because Ron has actually accomplished so much in his life. I know I’m smart, but god, I can also just be so dumb. When I don’t get something right away I tend to want to give up, but I don’t because I hear that in the back of my head and then I don’t sleep for days. What use can I be to my family if I don’t take care of myself? And it’s not even me needing to be of use to my family, I want to be. We fought hard for this and sometimes I just want to be Rose’s mom, or Ron’s wife, or Harry’s best friend. Everyone means well, but it’s just titles. I know I put a lot on you during the DA, but we were kids then. You’re more useful than just a spell.”
Hermione sniffs, and she wipes her face. “It’s been ten years and I still get really worked up about it, but that’s okay. It’s just life, Harry. No one here will think badly of you because you can’t produce it. But I know that you will when you’re ready.”
***
Harry used to try hard and not think about Remus and the way that they left things. He used to think that he’d never forgive Remus for what he did to Teddy, and then he thinks that’s a little unfair. It’s a complicated relationship that he has, holding a grudge with a dead side. It just seems cheap, because Remus is gone, but he left a brilliant boy that had all the best parts of Remus that Harry could remember. They never did get enough time together, and Harry knows that Remus loved him and that maybe they just didn’t know how to love each other well.
Harry tells Draco this one night, after the second of May. Harry went to Hogwarts and spoke, Draco and Hermione always told him that he didn’t have to, but he thinks that maybe it’s the one obligation that he can keep. Because he doesn’t just think about Remus, he thinks about Nymphadora Tonks, Colin Creevey, Lavender Brown, and Fred Weasley.
Draco stopped calling it The Patronus Problem, and started calling it The Remus Problem.
Remus was the person to teach Harry. In the end it made sense, but it was buried.
“I wish we had time to talk about our fight.” Harry just wished they had time. “Then he just...Died. Now I have to live with that.”
Draco has let Harry rant in the dark, but then Harry feels him moving, and then he feels a body on top of him. Harry can’t see much in the dark, so he uses his hands and wraps them around Draco’s waist, and he can feel Draco’s breath.
“You have a lot of trauma, huh?” Draco says, and Harry actually laughs. He can’t see Draco’s smile but he can feel it. Draco breathes out his nose and then moves his mouth to his neck, pressing kisses against it before reaching his collarbone, down to his chest before making his way back up to Harry’s mouth.
“I’m going to say something that would make a lot of people mad, but I don’t think you have to forgive him. Not even for Teddy’s sake. I know it causes you a lot of pain, and I actually think you were right. I also can find the nuance in Remus’ actions, but that doesn’t mean it was right. I think war makes people a little cowardly and Remus’ instinct was to run. You’re a better man than most, you know.” Draco presses kisses all over Harry, he knows that he’s doing it so Harry won’t talk.
“Maybe in ten years when we have a family you can revisit The Remus Problem again.” Draco says, pressing a kiss to his scar.
It wouldn’t take ten years, because that night in a very Harry manner, he was determined to not let this hinder him anymore.
“Tomorrow then,” Harry yawns, after Draco has gotten off of him, he pulls him to his chest. “First thing after breakfast we’ll do the Patronus charm.”
Harry is drifting into sleep when he hears Draco saying, “You’re fucking unbelievable, Harry Potter.”
***
“I think I’ve been unfair to you for two years,” Harry says once they’re in their backyard. “I know you said you didn’t mind waiting but I did. I know you think it’s a martyr act but I know you’ve been waiting a long time to do it.”
Draco is holding his wand and tossing it back and forth in his hands. “Harry, I could have taught myself to do it. I wanted to wait for you to teach me. Hate to say it, Scarhead, but I hear you’re a good teacher and I want to learn from the best. Let it be known, it was purely for selfish reasons.” Draco smirks.
Then, he says, “If I’m being honest, I’m scared that this has tainted me from being able to produce one.” Draco’s eyes trail down to the Dark Mark. “My mother used to be able to do the Patronus up until The Dark Lord was in our house. She can’t even do a whisper of a wisp now. My father had never been able to perform one.”
Harry has never been the one to be philosophical, that was all Draco, but he reaches out to lace their hands. “I had a piece of Voldemort in myself when I first performed the Patronus charm. I don’t think you’re tainted.”
It has been fourteen years since Harry first learned the Patronus charm. It seemed like a lifetime ago since then. He didn’t have the same curiosity as he first did when it came to learning it. The intensity of learning magic didn’t burn as brightly as it once did, Harry has lived with magic for so long now, it’s just a part of who he is. Things are always more beautiful when they’re new, but now his magic feels like a gentle hum. It’s secure and stable in a way that it’s never been. He knows that he wields more than most, but in the end, Harry loves the convenience that magic brings, it’s just like breathing, he thinks.
“Okay,” Harry says, “Let’s do this.” Harry let’s Draco’s hand go and then stands up straighter.
“You want to hold your wand like this, and do a circular motion. I found it easier to close my eyes and meditate on my happy memory while doing it. I wouldn’t even say the incantation until I had got used to the motion of just doing it.” Harry had closed his eyes then, tried to empty his mind completely, and then he tried to think of the happiest that he ever felt. The memory of his parents stopped working a long time ago, he had to think of the new ones, and he had many.
“Expecto Patronum!” Harry said, and nothing came of it, but he didn’t expect it to. He looked over at Draco who’s eyes were closed.
“Expecto Patronum!” Draco said, and again, nothing came of it. When Draco opened his eyes he looked over at Harry and smiled. “We’re going to be here for a while.”
It wasn’t a failure. So they kept trying.
They wouldn’t get it for another year.
***
They’re out in the garden again, not to practice, but because it was such a nice day they decided to have their morning tea and breakfast outside.
“Teddy says that he’s loving Hogwarts and he’s already made soooo many friends. He says specifically to me that he’s fine and that you don’t need to worry so much Harry.” Harry says with a smile shaking his head tossing the letter to Draco.
“He would’ve made a perfect little Slytherin,” Draco sniffs, before he smiles down at the letter.
“I think he would have too, but that’s only because I think Hufflepuff and Slytherins are more alike than they think.” Harry leans back in his chair now and looks at his garden that took him ten years to perfect. It had been in shambles from the years of neglect. Grimmauld Place had been so dark even after the war. It eventually started to breathe life when Draco and Harry became friends. Draco told him about house magic, and how the house's core was rotting because Harry was letting it. They didn’t know how to be around each other but they cleaned Grimmauld Place together. It used to scare Draco as a child when he would come with his mum, and it’s been a few months since Narcissa last visited but she always loved the garden, it gave Harry the incentive to care for it even more than he already did.
Harry thinks about those early days of their not-so-quite-friendship, Draco’s first task was to remedy the tapestry wall. He worked so hard to unburn the names, to add Teddy Lupin to the wall where he belonged, because this house belonged to Harry now, and he was his godson, and Draco’s cousin. When Harry thinks about it that was when he first knew that he might have loved him, or that he was capable of loving him. It would take a little while longer after that to accept it, but he remembers after a particularly long day of cleaning Draco had gone back to the tapestry, quietly saying intricate spells and waving his wand around. He looked absolutely knackered, but so determined to get it right. When he had felt Harry come into the room he had barely turned his head before saying, “I’m going to do this, Potter. This house is stubborn but for Salazar’s sake, Teddy Lupin will be on this blasted thing.”
Harry kept his eyes on his Asphodel plants that were just starting to bloom, and then at his magical trees that he planted so many summers ago, and he listens to the birds that have already made nests in those trees and closes his eyes. Draco is narrating the best part of Teddy’s letters adding his own commentary in that high pitched voice he gets when he’s scandalized.
He moves his wand in a circular motion and says, “Expecto Patronum!” And that tight great ball of light and love comes pouring out. It isn’t his stag that greets him, but it’s a Thestral that moves closer to Harry as if he’s known him all along. Its nose bumps his head against Harry’s hand and he can feel the wisp of it.
“Holy shit,” He can hear Draco say, and Harry doesn’t even realize that he’s crying as he watches the Thestral take in the scenery, as if it were really here.
“Oh, hello.” Harry finally croaks out, his voice hurts. “I didn’t expect you, but you’re beautiful.” He says as the Thestral bumps his nose again before he trots away.
It’s only seconds after that Draco tries again, and then Harry sees what looks like a serpent, but then it hits. “It’s an Occamy.” Harry watches as Draco gets up from his seat, he looks absolutely shattered to see it, his hand reaches out to touch the creature and he’s crying. The Occamy rolls itself as if to preen under Draco’s attention and Harry can’t help but laugh.
It’s a beautiful and rare Patronus, much like Draco. He loves him so fucking much it sometimes feels unbearable.
“I used to think that if I had a Patronus it would be a Lynx like my mother’s,” Draco says, his fingers still reaching out to touch it, “And then I thought it would be a stag because of you,” Draco doesn’t look at him when he says this, “Occamy are said to be pure and thoughtful creatures, I don’t think that’s something that I really had within me.” The Occamy bumps it's serpent-like nose against Draco’s cheek before it slowly starts to disappear.
“Occamy are also protectful of their own. Sounds Slytherin to me, I reckon.” Harry says quietly, walking towards Draco and wrapping his arms around him.
“Maybe we give our Patronus’ a couple of years. Maybe they’ll change again. Who knows?” Harry smiles into his neck. “Let’s just enjoy it right now.”