Ever since I could remember, I have always felt a certain… urge about the people i’ve deemed important enough to care about. I could never put a name to the urge, but it’s always been there. My big brother Sirus is the first person I’ve ever cared about and the first person to show me care in return. I adored him and would do anything for him but our parents had ruined that for me. They would make me watch as he was beaten and starved, and only sometimes would they let me help him. Moments like that I felt the urge rear its ugly head. At the time, it was so quiet, but in brief moments the image of my parents tripping down the stairs or getting stuck in a house fire would pop up in my head and as odd and violent as they were, they almost… comforted me, in ways my lovely brother couldn’t. Whenever me and Sirius weren’t huddled against each other for comfort or crying to each other silently, I would allow myself to lay in bed and imagine, just for a moment, that I was the one that pushed them or started those fires. Being as young as I was, they should have just been silly little thoughts that resulted from living in an abusive home. I wondered if Mom and Dad would ever come to regret the treatment they gave us, but only time would tell.
Then we got older and started to be around other family members more. Our cousins Andromeda, Narcissa, and Bellatrix more specifically. This is when the urge became more than just quiet thoughts, Bellatrix learned that the hard way unfortunately. Me, Sirius, and our cousins were playing around in our manor. Well “playing” might be a strong word, but Sirius was feeling more calm that day so his fiery personality did not cause any arguments and we simply existed fairly peacefully in the same area. His personality was not his fault, he could do little wrong in my eyes at the time, but I would be blind to ignore the arguments his loudmouth can sometimes cause. That was until Bellatrix found a small poster of a muggle band. It was worn down and had rips all in it and what seemed to be tire marks as if it was found on the side of the road or in the trash. Sirius had been furious, screaming at Bella to put it back and that it was his while her sisters were attempting to negate the situation. It was at that moment I had seen that horrible glint in Bella's eyes, one where I knew this was about to blow up. Bella had left the room while I followed her, leaving a now panicking Sirius with our cousins.
“Where are you going Bella?” I asked in a calm, calculated tone
“To inform my lovely Aunt Walburga and Uncle Orion of Sirius' dreadful choice in music!” she said with glee “I mean really Reggie, he already talks back to your parents too much and now he is harboring filthy muggle imagery?? He will be getting his letter from Hogwarts soon and this is no behavior of a proper Slytherin!” and there it is again, the urge to… fix this.
“I really do not think that is the best idea Bella, you know what they will do if they find out about this” I say to try and stop this situation before the urge gets even stronger.
“Oh silly little Reg, I am counting on what they will do to him! How long do you think he can last without food until he’s normal again?? OH or how many hits and kicks he can take?? It's been a while since I've been this excited!”
It was in the moment I could make out what the urge was saying for the first time … make her pay … I couldn’t do that because she was much bigger and stronger than me at the time … All it would take is one little… push in the right direction … The stars must have aligned at that moment because right before the stars that lead downstairs, there was a vase that was on its side. Must've fallen over at some point in the commotion. The only way I knew to protect my brother and to silence the loudest urge I have ever heard was all laid out in front of me.
“Let Siruis know that he will be fixed soon enough!” She giggled as she started to backup toward the steps, with her eyes still on me.
Fixed
Hm. Interesting.
“We must have very different meanings of the word ‘fixed’ dear cousin” I said with a kind, sickly smile as I marched toward her with open arms
“I do wish you all the best in that endeavor” I said as I appeared to be going in for a hug until I just … fixed her.
I gave her a hard shove and she stumbled backwards and slipped on the vase. I watched as her face turned to horror as she realized that gravity was not on her side anymore. Her head snapped back as she hit the stairs, knocking her out cold as she continued to fall down the stairs. A few of her limbs seemed to bend oddly but truly I was not focused on how she looked or even if she would survive. I was focusing on the …freeing feeling. The urge was silenced and all I was left with was the satisfaction that I had protected Siruis and fixed Bella. The thought made me giggle as the crowd of adults came to Bella's aid. The giggling soon turned to tears as I had to now protect my innocence and those fools believed it. Even Siruis believes my fake sob story but it’s okay, he could do no wrong in my eyes. Bella woke up a few hours later and she was so out of it she didn’t even remember she was at our manor in the first place. The feeling of fixing her had been wonderful, but I knew that would probably be a lucky one time thing.
After this event, Sirius received his letter and was shipped off to Hogwarts. I missed him dearly when he first left, but I knew that he would be sending letters of his own to me so it feels like he never left.
—-
He lied
He rarely sent any letters and when he did? All he could talk about was… James Potter. He would also talk about a certain Remus Lupin or Peter whatever his name was but it was clear none of them could compare to Potter. Not even me.
I realized during his first year at Hogwarts that he was the perfect brother I thought he was and when I realized this all of the urges that lived in the back of my mind just… stopped. It was like I couldn't feel much of anything. My brother did not care as much about me anymore and god knows my parents never cared so I was stuck in this limbo where those nasty urges had finally stopped but at the cost of… feeling nothing.
Mother and Father could do whatever they wanted. Being locked in the cabinet was nothing compared to the emptiness without Sirius. I needed to understand what was so important about James Potter so I could maybe move on and really feel something again.
—-
The good news is that when I did meet James Potter I finally felt something again. You’d think it'd be anger at him for stealing Sirius or confusion at Sirius at how he could replace me.
But no, all it took was one smile from James and there it was. The urge was back. I was obsessed with James Potter.
We met when it was my turn to go to Hogwarts. Sirius was tugging me along after our parents had left, so excited to introduce me to his friends.
That's when I bumped into a teen bigger than I and when I looked up I saw him. He was blinding, I couldn't look anywhere else. His bronze skin, deep eyes, and perfectly curly hair paired with a sweet smile… how could I not become obsessed
“OI! You must be Reggie! Sirius has told us so much about you” James says with such a bright tone, almost as if he actually cared about meeting me
“I sincerely doubt that” I say while glaring at Sirius but he just looks back with a sheepish smile
“Well believe it baby Black, your a bit famous within our friend group” James says
“Im swooning, truly” sarcasm lacing in my voice, I really could care less about this friend group, only James Potter
“Don’t tell me that Black, I might try to do it more often” he says with a wink and a smile and oh. I loved the shock that sent through my body.
“Good lord Prongs, you’d think you would have enough decency to not flirt with the first person you see on the train! Let alone Pads little brother!” said Peter. I don’t know who Prongs or Pads are but I assume at least Pads is Sirius which means James must be Prongs.
But that's not important. Because Peter had just insulted James and that gave me the first urge I’ve felt since Bellas tragic accident. He said it with such mockery, he glared at James while he said it. Then Sirius Laughed and… he continued to feed the urge. He had done such wrong. James just laughed it off. But that's okay, James can do no wrong in my eyes. It's okay he doesn't understand when someone is trying to hurt him but it’s okay, I can fix that.
James will never have to worry about anything ever again.
But first, I have to deal with a certain… Rat