Twelve
3rd November 1976
I bet you think I either moved on or hate you
‘Cause each time you reach out there’s no reply
I bet, it never ever occurred to you
That I can’t say hello to you and risk another goodbye
Regulus
The nightmares were worse, and though he wished he could say he didn’t know why, he did. He knew exactly what had caused his typical nightmares, the ones that came so often they were almost comforting, to change drastically the night prior. He knew why he woke up gasping for air with sweat dripping off every inch of his skin, sticking his hair to his neck and his nightshirt to his body. He knew and he wished he didn’t.
It was only two, something that only made the fact that he’d awoken from nightmares all the more infuriating, he’d never be able to go back to bed now. With a frustrated huff he threw the blankets off, got himself changed and moved to leave the dormitory, pausing for a moment before he actually crossed the threshold when he remembered the box he was keeping in his trunk. It was a medium sized clothing box that he’d wrapped and stuffed into his trunk before boarding the train on the first of September, something he’d hidden in his closet halfway through the summer holidays. He contemplated his options, weighing them heavily in his mind before eventually deciding on bringing it with him.
He climbed the steps to the astronomy tower, nearly on autopilot. When he reached the top, he breathed a heavy sigh, looking towards the stars.
“Hey Siri,” he breathed, shaking his head at himself for his foolishness. “Happy birthday.” He thought about the last time he’d actually said those words to his brother in person, it had been years now, lifetimes even. It had been Sirius’s eleventh birthday, the last one where both brothers had been at Grimmauld Place and Regulus could admit it hadn’t been a happy one.
Their mother had spent the morning casting slicing hexes at Sirius who had nicked her wand early that morning to try a bit of magic. ‘Gotta practice now Reggie,’ he’d said, ‘I’ll be starting Hogwarts soon.’ Regulus could still recall the lopsided grin he’d spread across his face, could hear the laughter that came from them both, neither knowing their fun was soon to end forever. That night their mother sent Sirius to bed without dinner, something Regulus felt was extra unfair given that it was his birthday, but Regulus still found a way. He’d snuck into the kitchens, found Sirius’s favourite late night snack and as silently as possible brought it up the steps and to his brother’s door.
‘The stars are bright tonight,’ he’d whispered their secret code before going to his own room and climbing through the window onto the roof. This part was always risky, not only because of their parents but there was the added risk of falling off the roof, though neither of them did. Sirius joined him only a few moments later and they sat side by side, eating the snacks and whispering about how great their birthdays would be once they were both off in school together, the ways they’d celebrate when they didn’t have Maman and Papa there to worry about.
“Do you remember the plans we had for celebrating your seventeenth birthday? We were going to stay up all night together, I was going to convince the house elves that we absolutely needed cake at midnight with seventeen candles and you were going to find some way to get your hands on a bottle of champagne and we’d toast at midnight. We’d toast to one of us finally being free of maman and papa and all the horrors of Grimmauld Place. You would come back for that summer just so it would be bearable for me but the second I left for school you’d leave and get a life started so I could join you the summer I turned seventeen.”
He felt the tears falling now, the once sweet memory turned sour on his tongue. “But that isn’t what happened, is it Siri? No, you left me a whole year and a half ahead of schedule. Do you know how angry Maman and Papa were when you didn’t come home over the summer? They thought, even I thought, that you’d come home with us and when you didn’t? Let’s just say it was Christmas on repeat the whole summer.”
He could still feel the tremors, the ones that had been nearly constant over the summer in between his rounds of the cruciatus, sometimes his hands still shook as they were now. It had undoubtedly been his worst summer yet, trapped all alone in that house of horrors with only the occasional reprieve when the Death Eaters would flood in for their weekly meetings, though that hadn’t been much of a reprieve as it was. No, not when his cousins would be there, one driven mad by their family and the other playing the dutiful wife to a high ranking Death Eater, all of them so far gone from who they had been only just ten years prior.
He’d thought about the way things had been before Andromeda had run off with Ted Tonks and turned their family upside down. They had been close, all five of them, always together and more like siblings than cousins. Bellatrix was the oldest of them, and for a while she’d been the most responsible too, taking care of Sirius and Regulus and making sure they didn’t get into too much trouble. Andromeda had always been the happiest, the most outgoing, she was the one that always made them laugh. Narcissa had been Regulus’s favourite, she was reckless and wild and everything Regulus wanted to be.
He and Sirius never felt left out or awkward with their older cousins, even with the age gap between them and the gender differences. They were cut from the same cloth, every single one of them entirely the same but wholly different. Until Andromeda ran away. That had been the spark that lit the fire of change within their family, though Regulus had doubted she’d ever considered that when she chose love and freedom over their family’s oppressive ways.
From then on Bellatrix got more and more mad, trying desperately to fit herself into the mould their family had delicately crafted for her as the oldest Black sister. She married Rodolphus that same year and Regulus saw less and less of the wild-haired girl who admonished him for climbing too high in the sycamore tree, instead finding a manic and almost off-the-rails lookalike of that same girl in her place, masquerading as they all were. Narcissa was different too, though not quite as overtly as Bellatrix. She became more reserved, withdrew into herself and the loud, lively laugh that Regulus loved so much that once used to echo through the hills of the countryside was now stilted and demure, almost entirely extinct.
“Do you remember your last birthday before Andy left?” The memories swam through his mind now, overlapping and screaming at him in bright, swirling colours and sounds. “The girls managed to sneak out of the castle somehow and stole us away in the middle of the night. Cissy brought your favourite cake, Bella had gotten her hands on some butterbeers, and Andy managed to get us all brooms so we could fly together. Maman and Papa never did figure that one out, I think it’s the best birthday of either of ours I can remember.”
That had been the year Andromeda had given each of them lockets with a picture of the five of them nestled on one side and engraved on the other “Ma famille est ma force et ma faiblesse.” in scrawling script. The five of them put them on by the light of the nearly-full moon and spent their time until just before sunrise drinking, eating, and flying around the stars together. ‘The stars are bright tonight,’ Andy had called as she flew through the sky, a carefree laugh spilling past her lips. ‘I can see us all!’ Bellatrix had called, a lightness to her voice that Regulus hadn’t heard in the years since that night. Whether she truly saw Andromeda, Bellatrix, Sirius, Regulus, and Lyra (Narcissa’s middle name and the constellation that represented her) Regulus would never know, but he’d laughed and flown about with them all the same.
With his thoughts swirling around him, taking life much like they would in a pensieve, he’d lost track of the time and the sky was lightening ever so slightly around him. Would Potter even be there? Or would he opt to spend the morning with his best friend instead? Regardless, he couldn’t take the risk of missing that morning in particular so he hurried himself down the steps and out of the castle, making sure to carry the wrapped box with him.
The morning was cool and quiet when Regulus finally stepped outside, the air had gotten quite the bite to it, especially so early. His steps down to the quidditch pitch were uncertain and almost hesitant, more so than he’d even felt on his way there the first time. He was there of course, he wasn’t sure why he’d ever doubted the older boy would break his routine when even Regulus was aware that he hardly ever did, though he wasn’t in the air nor was he dressed for practice. He felt his thumb go to fidget with the ring nestled on his index finger, a nervous habit that increased tenfold in areas concerning his brother.
“Potter,” Regulus nodded in acknowledgement, trying to maintain the facade that nothing had changed and his brother’s birthday didn’t affect him at all.
“You’re late,” he didn’t sound agitated, nor did he sound questioning, he was simply stating an observation.
“I wasn’t aware we had a set meeting time,” that was a blatant lie, one Regulus wasn’t even aware had been a lie until it spilled past his lips. It might not have ever been spoken, but there was an agreed upon meeting time for the two boys.
“I suppose we don’t, but you always come at the same time every morning regardless,” his smile was almost sheepish as though he’d been caught paying more attention than he should’ve. “What’s that there?” He nodded his head to the wrapped package in Regulus’s hands.
“It’s for Sirius, would you-” he needed to breathe, he felt his throat constricting and all but refusing to allow the words to come out, and yet he persisted. “Would you give it to him please? Just, don’t tell him it’s from me.”
“Reg-”
“I mean it Potter, he can’t know it was from me,” he’d blast the damn thing before even opening it and Regulus wasn’t sure he could take that. He extended his hand to take the package from him, a war evident behind his eyes. “Please.”
It was one word, a simple and yet powerful word that caused him to snap internally into place. “Okay, yeah Reggie, I won’t tell him.”
“Thank you,” he breathed, finally feeling like he could for the first time in ages and extended the package and placed it into Potter’s waiting hand.
“Can I ask you a favour then?” He seemed uncertain once again, as though he were afraid this could all blow up in his face.
“What is it?”
“What’s the password to the Slytherin common room?” Well, Regulus was shocked to say the least.
“I’m sorry, what?” He blinked a few times at the boy in front of him whose eyes were as wide as a deer caught in the headlights of a muggle car.
“I have a surprise planned for Sirius, but we kind of need to get into the Slytherin common room to do it. Would you give us the password? I’m sure I could get it from Marlene or even Dorcas might be willing, but I wanted to ask you.”
“I don’t want to know what it is you have planned, do I?” He quirked a brow though he could hardly hide his amusement.
“Probably not,” James admitted, a small smile on his face.
“Serpent-tongue,” Regulus answered after a minute, “the password is serpent-tongue. Though it changes every fortnight so don’t expect it to work next time you want to get into the common room.”
“So if I want to visit you, I have to find some other way then?” There was a hint of something in his voice, though Regulus couldn’t place it, but the implication of James Potter wanting to visit him in the Slytherin common room caused his cheeks to heat.
“You’d visit the snake nest?” Regulus quirked a teasing brow at him.
“I’d visit you anywhere,” he answered with a wink, causing his cheeks to burn hotter than any flame he’d ever been near. “Thank you, for the password, it means a lot that you’re willing to help,” he paused, “it would mean a lot to Sirius too if he knew.”
“Not sure how much it would mean coming from me, but I have faith you’ll have your share of fun with whatever it is you have planned.” The words had to be forced around the lump in his throat.
“Do you- uh, do you mind if I ask what it is you got for him?” He asked sheepishly, tilting the box as if Regulus could’ve possibly not known what he meant.
‘They’re just so cool Reggie, I mean, muggle fashion is so much better than wizard fashion. Who wants to be stuck in stuffy old robes when they could wear this?’ That had been one of their last civil conversations when they’d walked around Paris together one summer, what felt like a lifetime ago. They looked in muggle shop windows together, rarely venturing inside and only able to admire from the sidewalk, at other times they’d sat on a bench and watched people go by, critiquing their style and listing off pieces they wished Maman and Papa would’ve let them get. “Something he’s wanted for a long time.” Was all he managed, a small smile tugging itself onto his lips. “Shall we practise?”
“Sure!” His face had lit up then, always brightened by quidditch. They flew around the pitch for roughly an hour, which seemed to be all the time they had since Regulus had been later than usual and their conversation had delayed them further. By the end of practice Regulus could feel the nip of the cool air against his nose and cheeks and it only made him realise once again that he needed to bring his winter gear from now on. This hit him like a ton of bricks, it was heading fast towards winter and Christmas break where he would have to return to Grimmauld once again without his big brother.
His mood had soured even further now, something that not even his morning session with Potter seemed to be able to brighten. After leaving the pitch he’d huffed and trudged up the hill into the castle, wishing that he could make time speed up and cease to move all at once. Would he even be able to escape once he’d turned seventeen? He doubted it, doubted he’d ever be able to leave now that responsibilities of becoming the heir rested squarely on his shoulders. As he picked through his meagre breakfast he found himself wondering again if Narcissa had felt any bit the way he was now feeling after Andromeda had left.
‘The stars are bright tonight!’ She’d called out on Sirius’s last birthday she’d spent with them. That had stuck with the boys for some unknown reason, becoming their new signal to one another. They used it when they wanted to meet, a way to tell the other that they weren’t alone, never alone as long as they were together. To Regulus though the stars hadn’t been bright since his brother left, they all seemed to have disappeared from his night sky. Sirius and Andromeda were gone, Bellatrix and Lyra were dimmer than they were ever supposed to be. And Regulus? Well, he wasn’t sure Regulus had ever really been there to begin with, another star who’d died long ago and yet the phantom light still remained on Earth, finally having gone entirely out Christmas night the year prior.
He heard laughter and shouts coming from across the great hall causing his eyes to lift and find the source. There, standing across the room, was his brother with the largest smile on his face. His brother, looking so much more alive and free than Regulus had seen him in a long time. ‘I’m just saying Reggie, all the coolest people seem to wear them. I see them on every magazine, on so many posters, I’ve even seen them on five people today.’ The words still echoed in his thoughts, his brother’s never-ending enthusiasm had a way of infecting everyone around him, including Regulus.
‘Maman and Papa would never let you have that,’ Regulus had answered every time, not wanting his brother to get his hopes up about something so trivial. ‘I can dream can’t I?’ Sirius had asked petulantly. ‘With Maman and her abilities?’ Was Regulus’s steadfast response. ‘Fine then, when I move out to get us our apartment I’ll get us matching ones. Wouldn’t that be cool Reggie?’ Sirius’s face had been absolutely lit from within at the prospect. ‘Why would I want to match with you?’ Regulus had scrunched his nose in fake annoyance, though he’d never get the chance to tell his big brother that he would love to match with him.
Despite the bittersweet nature of the memory a smile still graced Regulus’s lips as he watched his big brother from across the hall, the older boy not knowing that his brother even cared. He sat and pretended he was there, across the hall with him, watching the glee on his face up close. He wished he could’ve been, and maybe in another life he had been. Maybe in some wonderful, perfect life Regulus had been able to give his big brother his seventeenth birthday present with his name stamped on the front, a clear and perfect message to all others that he, Regulus Black, Sirius Black’s one and only brother, had gotten the perfect gift.
He imagined the way Sirius’s eyes would widen and shine with unshed tears. Pretended he could feel the weight of his brother’s bone-crushing hugs that had always brought Regulus such comfort. Would he pretend to be embarrassed and push him away? Or would he allow himself to sink into his brother’s warm embrace? Would they be the kind of siblings that openly told one another they loved each other? Or would they tap it out to one another like they had when they’d learned morse code to communicate without Maman and Papa hearing them? Would they meet at the astronomy tower to have cake and champagne under the stars like they had dreamed of when they were young?
He couldn’t know, and as much as he wished he could he would never be able to change the way their lives had gone and led them to where they were now. Opposite sides of the Great Hall, opposite sides of the family, opposite sides of a war. He liked to think their lives could be different, like maybe there was a universe out there where it remained them against the world.
However, right now and in this universe, Regulus would just have to live with Sirius standing across the Great Hall. He’d have to learn to accept that he was standing there, a smile plastered on his face as he excitedly looked at his gift over and over again, turning this way and that as he modelled it for his friends. Would have to find a way to be happy with his big brother proudly wearing the leather jacket Regulus had painstakingly picked out for him, never knowing that it was his little brother, his Reggie, that had gifted it to him in the first place.
Across the Great Hall a stunned James Potter caught Regulus’s eyes, tears streaming down his cheeks as he mouthed a silent ‘thank you’. Not the one he wanted, but the only one he would get, and for Regulus that would have to be enough.