Nine
20th October 1976
Pack your dolls and a sweater
We'll move to India forever
Passed down like folk songs
Our love lasts so long
James
“You want to do what for his birthday?” Peter’s eyes were huge and Remus was shaking his head.
“Oh come on, it’s not that bad,” James was lying, even he knew it was that bad.
“You want to break into the Slytherin dorm and stick all of their furniture to the ceiling as a birthday gift to Sirius and you want us to think it’s not that bad?” Remus had that worn out look on his face like he couldn’t believe he was still having these absurd conversations in their sixth year.
“Don’t forget the huge inter-house birthday bash,” Peter added, his face only slightly redder than James would’ve thought it was going to be.
“All things considered, it could be worse,” James threw his arms up and huffed. “Come now lads, we’re Marauders, we have been training for an event as big as this since first year.”
“How would you even suggest we pull it off?” Remus of course would want to know every detail of his brilliant plan, and James was never one to disappoint.
“I can get the password for the Slytherin common room so that won’t be an issue, getting the furniture on the ceiling down there will only be a two person job, the other two will be providing the distraction.” He’d thought of every aspect of the plan, gone through everything that could go wrong, and he was absolutely certain he could pull this off.
“And you want me and Pete to be the distraction?”
“Clever as always Moons,” James knew his friend would be quick to catch on.
“What kind of distraction did you have in mind?” And there was good ole Peter, always excited about diversionary tactics.
“Something big during dinner, fireworks in the Great Hall?”
“Try thinking of something less dangerous Prongs,” leave it to Remus to bring up the logical points.
“I guess it would be mad to set off fireworks indoors,” James acquiesced. “Got any ideas then?”
“Just one, but it’s equally as mad as this entire plan,” Remus dropped his head into his hands like he already knew the sequence of events that were about to happen.
“Do share with the class Moons, we haven’t got all night before Sirius comes back from detention,” it had been hard enough for the three of them to find planning time as it was between everything they were doing as a group and separately, it didn’t help matters that whenever Sirius had free time he was almost always with James which left them very little time to plan surprises for him.
“We could conjure exploding crackers, they’re not as dangerous as fireworks, and we could set them up to detonate when people get too close to them, kind of serve as a deterrent.”
“I’ve got a plan for how we can all get out of the Great Hall without being noticed,” Peter said with his trademarked planning face on.
“See lads, we’re still Marauders!” James felt a lightness in his chest, one he hadn’t felt since before Sirius’s arrival in his home over their last Christmas break.
“Good to hear,” Peter absentmindedly replied as he went back to his solo chess game. The three of them fell off into their own worlds waiting for Sirius’s eventual return.
That summer had been long and hard for him, even though he would never tell that to his best friend. Every minute he felt like he was walking across a glass bridge that was cracked and splintered, waiting for the final crack to send him plummeting to his death. What if Orion and Walburga came after Sirius? What did it mean that they hadn’t? And what was Regulus going through now that he was in that house alone?
“I’m fine, but if I don’t get back soon I won’t be,” Regulus had said. “Someone has to play the part.” The words played on a near endless loop for him the rest of their holiday break and then once again when they went back home for the summer. He hadn’t done enough to convince Regulus to stay, he hadn’t tried hard enough to get him out of there after that night. Everything that happened to Regulus within Grimmauld had been entirely James’s fault following that night and he didn’t know how to shake that.
“I’ll be back in a bit,” James abruptly stood and walked quickly from the common room. He honestly wasn’t sure where he intended on going until he reached the top of the steps of the astronomy tower. The moon was nearly a sliver of silver in the sky, barely illuminating the quiet night. He wasn’t sure what exactly he was doing there, he just knew he needed to get away and think. He just felt so incredibly lost, so hopeless, the world felt like it was resting precariously on his shoulders and he, as always, would let everyone down.
He’d let Sirius down by not getting him out of his parents’ house sooner, he’d let Remus down by not watching Sirius more closely the year prior, he’d let Peter down by not being there for him like he had when they were kids, he’d let his parents down by not getting higher marks in school or owling them as often as he should’ve, and he’d let Regulus down by failing to get him away from his horrible parents. James Potter was a colossal disappointment, though everyone was far too polite to tell him that. He was so lost in his own wallowing, his own self-hatred, that he didn’t hear the footsteps coming up behind him or feel the presence of another person until they were right next to him at the railing.
“Potter, what brings you up here?” Regulus asked without looking at him.
“Needed to think I guess,” he shrugged, unable to put the usual cheerful inflection into his voice that everyone had grown to associate with him.
“You, thinking? That’s a new one isn’t it?” James managed a derisive snort at Regulus’s attempted joke, on any other day he might’ve had a witty retort but he just couldn’t manage it. Whether it was from the late hour, the months of mental gymnastics, or the mental lashing he’d given himself he wasn't sure.
“Guess so,” he shrugged halfheartedly. “What are you doing here?”
“Same as you, I guess. But if you need the space…” He trailed off, starting to turn.
“You can stay, if you like. I can go,” James stopped him before turning himself.
“Potter, you don’t have to go anywhere. You were here first,” he wasn’t sure why Regulus was being nice, even during their morning practices he hadn’t quite been what most people would consider to be nice. Though, he hadn’t been mean, and James guessed that for Regulus that might be the same as being nice.
“I don’t own the astronomy tower,” he attempted a lighthearted joke using words similar to those that Regulus had said to him the first morning they’d met on the quidditch pitch.
“No, you don’t, but neither do I as a matter of fact. My family might think they run the entire world, but astonishingly, it’s not actually true,” he turned to face James, leaning casually against the railing.
“If that were the case, they would’ve gotten their way with Sirius,” James answered bitterly, though he knew it wasn’t exactly fair. Regulus really had nothing to do with how their parents had treated his brother, and if anything Regulus was the reason Sirius had gotten away.
“You’re right about that,” Regulus’s tone and face didn’t change much at the mention of his brother or how their parents had treated him.
“Reg-”
“If you’re going to mention any of it, I will walk away right now Potter, I’m not in any kind of mood to discuss with you the inner-workings of my family.” James’s mouth snapped shut, he had been about to ask Regulus how he could stand any of it, how he could live there knowing what they’d done to Sirius and possibly even what they were doing to him.
“What do you suggest we talk about instead?”
“What are you up here thinking about?”
“What a complete and utter failure I am,” he felt no reason to hide it from Regulus, Regulus hated James and would probably agree with him. What he didn’t expect was for the other boy to laugh.
“No, really, what are you thinking about?” Regulus asked again after he’d managed to stop laughing.
“I wasn’t joking.” At this, Regulus sighed heavily.
“How are you a failure? I’m fairly certain you’ve never failed at anything in your life,” there was a hint of something in Regulus’s voice though James couldn’t discern what that was.
“I’m a shit friend,” he offered up first.
“Ah, yes. I have heard on occasion that shit friends do have a tendency for saving their best mates from unsustainable living situations,” he could practically hear Regulus roll his eyes.
“That has nothing to do with it,” James replied rather petulantly.
“Doesn’t it?” He still didn’t turn to look at him but he saw in his periphery the way Regulus cocked his head to the side, his curls falling across his forehead.
“I just did what anyone would’ve,” he shrugged as though it were no big thing, and to him it hadn’t been. It had been easier than breathing to let Sirius come live with him, he would’ve done it even if his parents had said no.
“No, it takes a rather special breed of stubbornness and caring to do that for a person. No one else has ever tried it, no one but you.”
“But I couldn’t-”
“No, that isn’t on you. Next, what else have you supposedly failed at Potter?” Regulus cut him off again, though James couldn’t really be sure how he’d known what he was about to say.
“I failed Remus too,” he nearly whispered.
“How did you fail Lupin? If it’s anything like the way you supposedly failed my brother, I’m going to have a hard time believing much of what you have to say afterwards so choose your words carefully.”
“Last term, Sirius did something really awful and it hurt Remus, I didn’t stop him.” James hung his head in shame, he knew he couldn’t tell Regulus the full story but even that little tidbit was enough to condemn him.
“Did you know what he was going to do?”
“No.”
“Then how could you have stopped him?”
“I know Sirius better than I know myself, I should’ve known he would do something reckless and stupid and I should’ve kept a better eye on him.” At this response, Regulus heaved a heavy sigh.
“You aren’t responsible for the actions of others Potter, especially not my idiot brother, that’s something I’ve had to learn time and time again throughout my life.” Regulus almost sounded pained and James wished he could ask him about it, wished he would open up, but knew better than to push that particular boundary, especially when Regulus was actually being nice to him for once. “Anything else you’re apparently a failure at?”
“Well now it just feels like you’re mocking me,” he huffed and crossed his arms, finally facing Regulus fully for the first time since the younger boy had joined him. He was leaning casually against the railing, a teasing smirk on his lips and his eyebrows raised in amusement.
“Sorry if I find it hard to believe that perfect James Potter has ever failed at anything in his natural born life,” there was a twinge of something akin to jealousy laced in Regulus’s voice, though he couldn’t determine what exactly that was from.
“Not sure if you’ve heard, but I’m far from perfect. Would’ve thought Snape would be shouting it all through the Slytherin common room after all I’ve done to him,” he hadn’t even considered his treatment of Snape to make the shortlist of things he felt the worst about, though he thought maybe it should.
“Don’t even begin to feel sorry for that halfwit, he’s even more insufferable when you can’t escape him. Honestly I’m not sure how Mulciber, Amycus and Dolohov handle him all the time.”
“I thought Slytherins were all mates,” he knew at the very least that Regulus didn’t like Snape from the spying he’d done in September in Hogsmeade, but Regulus wasn’t aware of that particular piece of information.
“Far from it actually. Outside the common room and in the presence of the other houses we protect our own, but inside the common room? It’s a free for all.” That much did surprise James at least, he’d thought for the most part the Slytherin students did get along with rare exceptions to the rule.
“How does that work?” He was aware that he was distracting himself, but he was so tired of feeling like he was drowning in his own thoughts and here Regulus was, offering him a lifeline and pulling him back above the surface.
“Well, I have Barty, Evan, Dorcas, and Pandora. Snape has Mulciber, the Carrow twins, Dolohov and Avery. Everyone else falls somewhere in the middle mostly, though there are those that take a strong stance one way or the other. Though, to be fair, more of the house can’t stand Snape, especially after last year.”
“What about last year?” James’s heart went to his stomach, had Snape gone against Dumbledore and said something to the students of Slytherin house?
“Snape was non stop bragging about how he invented levicorpus, it was a bit grating to be honest. That’s all stopped though since you lot used it against him.”
“That was his spell?” James asked in astonishment, that was the last thing he’d expected.
“According to him, yes.”
“There’s no way he invented a spell,” he rolled his eyes and scoffed. Sure he’d modified spells with the Marauders and combined them for the map, but the idea of inventing one entirely new sounded far fetched.
“Pandora’s done it, she’s working on another right now actually,” Regulus shrugged as though it were nothing.
“Pandora invented a spell?” He’d known the witch was brilliant, but he never could’ve imagined this. “Wouldn’t that make her more suited for Ravenclaw?”
“You would think, but it speaks more to her ambitious nature than her intelligence that she’s going to invent two spells before leaving Hogwarts I think,” he chuckled lightly.
“What spell did she invent?”
“One that lets us access the library catalogue from anywhere in the castle. We still go to the library, but sometimes it’s closed or we want a book we can’t get ahold of or we need it right then,” he paused for a moment then laughed. “Or, like Barty and Evan, you’re up until three in the morning debating muggle inventions and their proper uses and if you don’t settle the debate soon your incredibly cranky roommate will pitch you off the astronomy tower.”
James barked out a laugh, “what do Barty and Evan know about muggle inventions and their proper uses?”
“Absolutely fuck all,” he laughed himself, “they thought a television was something akin to a telescope, I could understand their confusion but they wouldn’t listen when I told them that it was a muggle entertainment device they watched plays on.”
“How do you know about the television?” James was well and truly astonished now.
“I know things, Potter,” Regulus answered haughtily.
“Muggle things?”
“If I’m expected to despise something, I ought to know what it is that I’m despising exactly oughtn’t I?” He quirked a brow and tilted his head to the side in a way that was so aristocratic and yet so incredibly Sirius that it took him aback for a moment.
“Your parents let you study muggles?” James wasn’t exactly shocked by the laugh that came from Regulus at his question, but what did shock him was how genuine it was. His face lit up from within, shining in a way that reminded James of the star he’d been named after, it made him stunningly, achingly, unbearably beautiful and James wanted nothing more than to capture him in that moment forever, he’d do anything to bring out that light in him again.
“Absolutely not,” he shrugged, “that doesn’t stop me.”
“How?” James had been under the impression that Regulus was Walburga and Orion’s mouthpiece, that was always how Sirius had explained it to him. His perfect brother, Walburga and Orion’s idea of a perfect son, he would never go against what they wanted and he shared in all of their beliefs. Though, James realised that he hadn’t really thought that, not entirely. If that were the case, would Regulus have helped his brother escape? Would he have become acquaintances- friends?- with James?
“I do spend almost nine entire months away from them every year,” he shrugged as if this revelation hadn’t been life-altering information for James to learn.
“And what have you learned about muggles during that time?” He knew he was treading on unsteady ground, knew the conversation could turn sour, but he needed to see what Regulus would say.
“They’re quite interesting actually.” He almost seemed like he wanted to say more, James desperately wished he would.
“Interesting how..?”
“If you’re waiting for me to say that I hate them and think they’re beneath me, you’ll be waiting quite a while Potter,” Regulus sighed before leaning back over the railing, no longer looking at James.
“You- you don’t?” He could feel the shocked expression on his face and attempted to control it.
“No.” No was a simple word, only carrying one meaning, a complete sentence all on its own, simple. And yet, somehow, this one single ‘no’ meant more than just no, more than just disagreement with a statement. This singular ‘no’ spoke more than any number of sentences and managed to render James entirely speechless. This ‘no’ had changed everything.
They spent a while longer there together, both silently looking to the sky and lost in thought. Had Regulus regretted revealing that to James? Would he deny it if James brought it up again? Had he meant it or did he only want to end James’s questioning? Above all else, did Sirius know any of this? His mind was spinning with questions once again, but this time they didn’t feel as though they were drowning him, no chains attached to his ankles to weigh him down and no world rested heavily on his shoulders. There was instead simply a boy with fair skin, beautiful angles, elegant curls, and stunningly bright eyes. A boy whose laugh sounded like music, whose smile was the brightest thing he’d ever seen, and whose wit rivalled those in Ravenclaw.
All at once James realised that Regulus was quite possibly the most fascinating subject at Hogwarts. The boy he’d spent every morning with for nearly two months was a deeper puzzle than he’d thought and he longed to put every last piece into place. He wanted to figure out the beautiful boy next to him, wanted to learn every secret he held and keep them safe within himself. James knew then that he would solve every mystery Regulus Black held within himself no matter how long it took and no matter what he had to do in order to achieve that goal, and if he were lucky, maybe he could save him from the life he was living but didn’t deserve. James was determined, and once James Potter was determined to do something, it was only a matter of time before he got it done.