Four
25th September 1976
Please picture me in the weeds
Before I learned civility
I used to scream ferociously
Any time I wanted
James
For the first couple of days of sharing the field with Regulus, James was irritated that he no longer had his mornings to himself. Now he found that he rather enjoyed having Regulus there. The two didn’t talk unless it was to offer advice to the other on how to better get a move down, they never practised as you would with a teammate, and he and Regulus didn’t acknowledge one another outside of their quiet mornings, but there was something calming about the graceful way the other boy looked as he dove towards the ground only to pull up at the last second in a perfect Wronski Feint. Something soothing about the way Regulus wove around invisible people and dodged bludgers that weren’t there as he chased after his practice snitch. James had always thought Sirius had been pretty with his black curls and grey-blue eyes, and he’d truthfully never given much thought to how Regulus looked other than his similarities to his best friend, but as he watched Regulus he thought he finally understood why everyone called the Black boys beautiful.
Another week passed with James and Regulus talking more and more each day about quidditch techniques and offering advice to one another, and each day James noticed something new about Regulus. On Monday he noticed for the first time how Regulus’s curls, much shorter than Sirius’s, would get stuck down to his forehead with sweat and sometimes get into his eyes. On Tuesday he noticed that Regulus, though shorter in stature than Sirius, had a quite muscular yet lean physique that one would never notice under his school robes. On Wednesday he realised that Regulus had a softer and more melodic voice than his brother and on Thursday James saw how differently the two boys carried themselves when they walked. By Friday he realised he was watching Regulus in the Great Hall as well and James wasn’t quite sure how anyone had ever confused the two boys.
Sirius was loud and boisterous where Regulus was quiet and reserved. While Sirius lived for being the centre of attention, Regulus preferred to sink into the background and observe. Regulus liked to read anything he could get his hands on and could almost always be found carting a book around whereas Sirius only read what was required for his own interests. Throughout his mornings spent with Regulus, James came to realise that the only similarities the brothers truly shared were their family name and defining family traits, everything else about the two was completely different.
James thought at first that this would explain the disdain Regulus had always shown them, but he found that the more he and Regulus talked, the less the other boy seemed to hate him. When he found himself watching Regulus across the Great Hall during lunch on Saturday, James started to wonder for the first time how two very different boys could be brothers.
“Hogsmeade today lads?” Sirius asked as they were working through their lunch, drawing James’s attention away from where Regulus was sitting with his friends.
“I do say, I could handle with a pop on over to the old joke shop,” James answered in his best posh accent.
“My dear Prongs, you aren’t plotting something are you?” Sirius asked in mock horror, grasping one hand over his heart like he was in shock.
“Never my dear Pads, never. I only plan to peruse the great selection.”
“You two are idiots,” Remus was shaking his head as if disappointed, but he had a huge grin on his face.
“You love us,” Sirius threw his arm around Remus’s shoulders and pulled him close in a half hug.
“Don’t know where you’d be without us,” James added.
“Moony would’ve gone full looney by now,” Peter added with a snigger.
“Ha ha, very funny lads,” Remus tried to sound annoyed but he was smiling still.
The four boys finished their lunch and made their way from the castle down to the little village nearby. They started with Zonko’s and moved through Honeydukes, though the latter had lost its wonder early on in their Hogwarts careers when they’d found the tunnel that led to the shop’s basement. They were on their way to Scrivenshaft’s for new quills when James saw something down the road that made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up.
“You go ahead, I’ll meet you at the Three Broomsticks,” James quickly told the others before heading off down the road. He wasn’t sure why he felt the need to know what Regulus was doing, but that didn’t stop his feet from carrying him in the direction he’d seen him go with Snape. When James got near the alley he’d seen them duck into, his footsteps grew more careful and he inched himself as close to the corner as he could so he could hear what was going on.
“Oh come off it Reg, we all know it’s the truth,” James could hear the sneer in Snape’s tone.
“You don’t know anything, and you’re going to keep your mouth shut about my family,” Regulus’s tone was even and clipped, not a hint of emotion.
“Way I hear it, he’s not your family anymore,” Snape sounded haughty, like he’d caught Regulus in a trap.
“Last I checked Sirius and I have the Black name, not you. What’s your family known for again?” Regulus’s voice had taken on a cruel tone, one far cruller than James had heard him use before. “That’s right, I can't think of a thing. The day you have a family name to uphold, then you can go around spouting nonsense about who may or may not have some scandal attached to theirs. Until then, you are nothing.”
“Watch it-”
“Or what, Snivellus?” Regulus barked out a laugh. “I’ll have to thank The Marauders for that one, it’s genius. Mimblewimble.” Regulus spoke the curse with such ease, in such a bored tone, that James almost thought he hadn’t actually cast it, until Snape tried speaking again.
“Whunmm whhh uuhhh,” he sounded so much like a squealing pig that James had to start his walk to the Three Broomsticks early to hide his laughter, also knowing that Regulus and Snape would be exiting the alley soon. When he slid into the booth with his friends, a butterbeer already waiting, he couldn’t help but keep an eye on the door waiting for Snape to come running in.
“Where were you off to Prongs?” Sirius asked him after a moment.
“Thought I saw something in the window at Dervish and Banges, but it was nothing,” he answered with ease. James had never been much of a liar, most people thought he was bad at it, truth was there were certain things he could lie about with ease and others he just simply couldn’t. Finally, the door to the Three Broomsticks opened with a bang and Snape stormed angrily over to his friends.
“What do you suppose is up with Snivellus?” Peter asked with raised brows.
“Dunno, maybe we aren’t the only ones around here who can’t stand the git,” James had to hide his smirk with a sip of butterbeer. The rest of their Hogsmeade trip was uneventful and they eventually worked their way back to the castle. James couldn’t help his mind from wandering to the encounter that he had overheard and a smile spread across his face at the thought that Regulus had sounded just like a Marauder.
That evening in the common room, everyone sat around together doing their own things. Marlene was sat behind Lily, braiding flowers into her hair that somehow made it look an even more brilliant shade of red. Peter had his head bent over a letter he was writing, based on the blush that blossomed on his cheeks when it was mentioned James was almost certain it was to a secret girlfriend he hadn’t told them about yet. Sirius was laid out on the couch flipping through one of Mary’s muggle magazines; she'd gotten him hooked on them in their first year when he walked by and saw her looking at something where the pictures didn’t move. Remus was reading his care of magical creatures textbook and absentmindedly scribbling notes onto a piece of parchment and James was working on his arithmancy assignment while Mary painted her toenails in one of the armchairs.
“I forgot to ask, how was the Slytherin party Marls?” Lily asked after they’d been there a while in a comfortable silence.
“It was actually really fun Lil, you’d never know it but the Slytherins know how to throw a party. Showed them our version of spin the bottle though, that’s when things got really interesting.” Marlene answered, a smile working its way across her face as she replayed the night in her mind.
“Interesting how? Didn’t think that lot knew how to let loose,” Sirius added without bothering to look up from his magazine, though James could tell he tensed up ever so slightly.
“Well, Regulus kissed Crouch and Rosier,” Marlene started, Lily baulked.
“Panda kissed Regulus?” The disgust was evident in her tone, it almost made James want to jump to Regulus’s defence though he didn’t quite know why.
“No, no not Panda, her brother.” The look on her face showed just how excited she was to finally be sharing this with everyone. Sirius sat bolt upright at this and whirled on Marlene.
“You’re lying, McKinnon,” he accused her with squinted eyes and a sharp tone. Regulus had always been a sore subject for Sirius, but it had gotten even worse since the events of last Christmas. “My brother would never kiss another boy.”
“I’m not lying Black, I’ll say it again under veritaserum if that’s what it’ll take for you to believe me.” She lifted her chin at him and her hands froze in Lily’s hair as she locked eyes with Sirius and stared him down.
“My brother kissed two of his male best mates?”
“That’s what I’m saying, yes, they were quite steamy too. Even climbed into Crouch’s lap,” at this Sirius jerked back like he’d been physically slapped by Marlene.
“And he did it in front of everyone?”
“Yeah, there’s this rule at Slytherin house parties where nothing that happens there is allowed to get back to any of the adults and Regulus was pretty intoxicated I think,” Marlene shrugged and went back to braiding Lily’s hair.
“Wonder what else the Slytherins get up to at their parties,” Sirius almost whispered, James was curious himself.
“They’ll probably throw at least a couple more before the year is out,” Lily piped up. “They usually throw about as many parties as we do, I think.”
“We should gate crash,” Peter supplied without looking up from his letter.
“Why would we want to party with them?” Mary asked, a disgusted tone in her voice.
“I dunno, it sounds like fun don’t you think?” He squeaked.
“Oh yeah, loads of fun, Pete. I’m sure they’d have absolutely no issues with Lily and I being there,” she snapped.
“Why would they?” Even James could admit that that was a rather dumb question.
“They’d sooner curse Lily and I for being ‘dirty’ than let us have even a glimpse of their common room,” she capped the bottle of polish and cast a quick-drying spell on her toes so she could put her socks on.
“But you’re friends with Dorcas and Pandora,” James almost groaned, Peter was not helping himself at all.
“Because Dorcas and Pandora are practically the only two Slytherins with any brain cells!” Mary’s voice was growing in volume and James could practically feel the battle she was preparing for.
“Pete, just drop it, yeah?” James tried, though he knew it wasn’t much use. Peter was backed to a corner and wouldn’t give up his argument even though Mary was definitely right.
“I’m just saying, if all the houses were invited I don’t see why they couldn’t go.”
“For Merlin’s sake Peter, would you want to go to a party where you might get cursed or poisoned if your back is turned to the wrong person?” Sirius snapped.
“N-no, but they wouldn’t do that here,” Peter’s voice was getting smaller as he shrank in on himself and lost his will to fight.
“Oh, yes they would. Just yesterday in fact Snape and Mulciber cursed Daisy Smith as she was walking down the hall to transfiguration. There were even teachers not far away when they did it!” Lily added in, never one to let Mary fight a battle all on her own that was hers to bear as well.
“They did what?” Sirius was angry now, his time spent under his parents’ roof had made him extra sensitive to any slights against anyone because of their blood status.
“Don’t worry Siri, I got them back,” Lily replied with a mischievous glint in her brilliant green eyes. James had always loved Lily’s eyes, they changed and shifted their green hue so often they were hardly ever the same from one moment to the next, always different with each emotion she felt.
“I don’t think that’ll be enough to set them straight Evans, I think we need something a little bit bigger,” Sirius started to get his planning face on, an expression James was all too familiar with.
“Merlin, I can practically hear you concocting a plan over there,” Remus sighed, shutting his parchment inside his book and standing.
“Come on Moony, we haven’t played a good prank in ages,” Sirius’s eyes were still alight with the prospect of pulling one over on the Slytherins.
“There’s a good reason for that, Sirius,” Remus replied with a stern look and a harsh tone, one that made Sirius deflate immediately. “I’m going to bed.” He said to the room at large before turning on his heel and walking towards the stairs.
“Come on then Pads, what did you have in mind?” James tried.
“Nothing, nevermind.” His face was crestfallen and he looked like a kicked puppy. “I think I’ll go to bed myself actually.”
“What’s going on with them?” Lily asked after she was certain Sirius was out of earshot. Marlene had finished with her braids so Lily was free to perch herself on the arm of James’s chair so they could have a conversation without the others overhearing.
“Oh, nothing,” James tried to brush her off, he wasn’t sure how much Lily knew and he wasn’t about to reveal anything he shouldn’t have.
“Don’t you ‘oh, nothing’ me James, I’ll hex you into next week. I know there’s something going on. Remus hardly even looks at Sirius anymore and those two used to be about as joined at the hip as you and Sirius. He hasn’t told me anything but I know it started last term and I know it must’ve been something big.” She crossed her arms over her chest in a way that reminded James so much of his mother when she was trying to get information out of him and Sirius about something they’d done and shouldn’t have.
“I really can’t say, Lily,” James hated telling her no, knew that if it had been any other subject he would gladly spill every secret he’d ever kept to the girl sitting there, looking at him with those brilliant eyes.
“Potter, Remus is my friend as much as he is yours, I can’t help him work through whatever is going on unless I know what it is exactly. Now fess up,” the look she levelled him with would make any weaker man wither.
“Lily, I’d tell you if I could, really-”
“You can and you will, I already know Remus’s biggest secret, this can’t be any worse or any more shocking than that.” James was more shocked than he ought to have been, Lily was brilliant, there was no telling how long she’d known the truth about Remus’s condition.
“You won’t let this go until I do, will you?” He huffed, already knowing the answer.
“Nope, and I’m allowed in your dorm. I can pester you day and night, and if you’d really like I can show you firsthand the hex I cast on Snape and Mulciber.” James knew that Lily wasn’t joking, she really would hex him and pester him until he gave in.
“You have to understand before I tell you this, that Sirius had an incredibly rough time of it last Christmas, I’m sure you gathered as much,” James began, Lily nodded.
“Yeah, he left home and came to live with you, right?” She’d put some pieces together from what they’d said around her vaguely, most of it from Sirius himself.
“Yeah, it got really, really bad. And I’m not saying that to excuse what he did, nothing could excuse what he did and he knows that, but it does explain where his head was at, okay?” He needed Lily to understand that above all else before he told her any part of what had transpired in February.
“Okay?” She pressed for him to continue.
“Well, Sirius he kind of ran into Snape on the fifteenth of February, that was the day of the moon that month. Snape was boasting about some muggleborn kid he’d hexed, some first year, and it really got under Sirius’s skin. You know how he is, extra protective and defensive of muggleborns because of how his family is and all that. Anyways, he wasn’t even really thinking and he sort of let slip to Snape that if he really wanted something to brag about, he knew how to get past the Whomping Willow, that’s what hides the pathway to Remus when he transforms.” Lily’s face was growing more and more horrified as James spoke and he paused for a moment to let her come to terms with everything he’d just told her.
“So, when he told me last term that you lot had almost killed him..?” She said slowly, James nodded. “Oh my god.”
“Look, I know it’s bad Lily, I do, but so does Sirius. He came straight here and told us what had happened and I immediately went to try and stop Snape, but he’d already caught sight of Moony and well, we both ended up in the hospital wing that night.” He was sheepish about telling her this part, hated telling her any of it.
“Well, I can see why he doesn’t want to forgive Sirius,” she didn’t sound as angry as he’d thought she would. Lily had still been friends with Snape when it had all gone down.
“I think he’s working on it, but I think it’s harder for him to forgive himself, you know? He hates that part of himself and hurting someone was the last thing he ever wanted, even if that person is Snape.” It felt better than he’d thought it would for Lily to know, almost as if it were something she should’ve known in the first place.
“Well, even if he never does I can’t say I’ll be surprised. That’s awful, what Sirius did,” she pursed her lips in thought. “Thank you for saving him James, I know he’s not your favourite person.”
“I did it more for Remus than I did it for him,” it was the truth and he didn’t want Lily to praise him for a completely selfless and courageous act.
“I know, but it still means something that you did. So, thank you,” she kissed the top of his head and ruffled his hair as she stood. “I’m glad we’re friends now James, I like you much better when you aren’t trying to win me over.”
“Yeah, me too Lily,” James only realised after he said it that it was the truth. Lily gave him a genuine smile before telling the room goodnight and heading up to bed herself. James stayed in the common room late into the night, his thoughts spinning and spiralling in his mind. He couldn’t help but feel that he’d betrayed his best friends by telling Lily what had happened, until now it had only been those directly involved that knew what had happened that night.
James couldn’t help but let his thoughts eat and wear away at him. What if he’d ruined everything? Would they hate him for telling Lily? Would Lily say anything to either of them? Had he broken Remus’s trust? He really was the worst friend they could’ve asked for, he’d always known it but this just confirmed it even more. James was absolutely useless and Remus and Sirius would both just be better off without him.
He worried himself nearly sick, he didn’t get a wink of sleep and by the time that he dragged himself off to the quidditch pitch he was barely able to keep his eyes open. He’d sleep after his practice with Regulus, but right then he needed the peace that came from being in the air with the younger Black brother, something he filed away in his mind to consider the implications of when he’d had a few hours of sleep.